Christian and Ana-Hanging At The Catch
by SmileRose
Summary: Ana's & Noah's parents have been friends for years. What happens when tragedy strikes? Ana turns to Noah for comfort, they fall in love. They attend Harvard with Christian G who is known for having his way with the ladies and having a dark side. Will Ana fall prey to his charms or will Ana's first love keep her safe from the darkness that is Christian. AU and OOC.
1. Chapter 1

**Let me begin with a disclaimer. **

******I do not own the Fifty Shades Trilogy or any of the wonderful characters. They belong to the lovely Miss E.L. James. This is just me having some fun with these captivating characters writing MY story as I see fit in a place called fan FICTION! **

**I am no longer a 'virgin' to writing as this is my second story. I hope you enjoy it but if you don't, please back away slowly and digress from leaving a nasty remark. I've grown a thick skin and I cannot and will not be STOPPED! Buah! Ha! Ha! Ha! **

**If you haven't done so already, please do check out my first story. It's called Meet At Graduation:Remember Me? You don't need to read it to follow this one but I just thought I'd put it out there!**

**My entire 'summary' didn't fit so I'm including it here.**

**Anastasia Steele's and Noah Shepherd's parents have been friends for years. Noah and Ana grow up together and become best friends. What happens when tragedy strikes this pair of teenagers? Ana turns to Noah for comfort and they fall in love. Their future has them attending Harvard as does the troublesome Christian Grey who is known for having his way with the ladies as well as having a dark side. Will Ana fall prey to his devastatingly good looks or will Ana's first love keep her safe from the darkness that is Christian Grey? This is a story of young love, a first love and the pain that goes with it. Character's ages have been changed in order for this story to work. This is an A/U and OOC story. I really liked the "Noah" character in my first story "Meet At Graduation:Remember Me" so I thought I would bring him back.**

**APOV**

I don't feel a thing. I am completely and utterly numb. The final guest has left. Noah and I are alone and our parents have been laid to rest. We have said our final good-byes. I haven't cried, I'm not sure why. I guess I feel like I should be strong but I'm not sure for whom? Noah cried the night the officer came to the door to tell us that our parents had been killed in a car accident. Noah sobbed in my arms, I was happy that I was able to comfort him, but who will comfort me? His parents are dead, my parents are dead. I don't know what to do.

I want to go back, back to a time when we were all together and everyone was happy. My parents Ray and Carla Steele were the best parents any child could ask for, the only thing I didn't have, was a brother or sister. Mom had complications during my birth and they were lucky to have me. My dad worked for Noah's father and my mom worked part-time at a local elementary school. She worked with children who had special needs. Mom always wanted to be around children and she had a huge place in her heart for children who had challenges in life.

Noah's parents, Andrew and Stephanie Shepherd were beautiful and glamorous, they baptized me. They were my God Parents and they were ultimate power couple, though you couldn't tell unless you visited their home...mansion was more like it. My God Father Andrew made his fortune selling medical supplies. He eventually made so much money that he branched out and opened his own medical supply company. Stephanie, my God Mother was a teacher at the same elementary school were my mom worked. They became fast friends and had their babies, (babies meaning Noah and I) one month apart.

Noah and I grew up together, he's like a brother to me and I love him very much much. My earliest memory of Noah is of him calling me 'Stay.' My parents and I were going home after having dinner with the Shepherds, Noah kept saying, "Stay, Stay, Stay."

I recall my God Mother saying, "Noah, they have to go home now. They can't stay."

My mom held me in her arms as I looked down at Noah who had his arms crossed and was pouting. My mother giggled and said, "Oh my goodness," as she lowered me on the carpet next to Noah. "He's not saying 'stay'...He's saying 'Stay' for Anastasia. He's so adorable."

Mom sat me down next to Noah and he was quickly placated. He held my hand and said, "Stay." He had a huge smile on his face. I will always remember that day. Since that time Noah has always called me "Stay."

I don't think I could have gotten through this week without Noah. He cried all night after the officer left us with news that would change our lives forever. The following morning, Noah took control, he handled everything. He made the arrangements for our parents burials, it wasn't difficult as they had already made their wills so Noah just made sure that their wishes would be respected.

I wasn't much use for anything, I only did what Noah told me to do. He even purchased the clothes I would wear today. I didn't recognize Noah. He's fifteen years old but it's like he grew up over night. He was like the adult, he was taking care of me and I felt useless, he was strong and I was grateful because although I didn't break down, I know it is only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down on me.

Noah has already made plans for us to be legally emancipated. I have no other family and Noah's family are all gold diggers-his words, not mine. So the arrangements have been made and quickly approved. The legal system allowed this only because Noah has grown up with his staff and they are more like family to him than his own blood relatives.

The days go by in a clouded haze. We don't celebrate Noah's sixteenth birthday, it just sort of came and went. Summer is over and Noah makes arrangements for me to attend private school with him, we have drivers and a full staff at our disposal. I go through the motions one day at a time. On my sixteenth birthday, Noah invites me to the Lake Union Rowing Club. I watch him row and I am entranced. It looks amazing, the power of the oar and how you glide across the water. Next thing you know, I'm in a uni and I'm on the girls rowing team. I'm a strong rower but I'm utilized as the coxswain due to my small stature.

It's only been one month since our parents have passed away and I've still not broken down. Noah and I have dinner and he asks, "Stay, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine Noah. Well, I'm as well as can be expected considering. Why do you ask?"

"Come on Stay, it's me. You've been like a damn robot, just going through the motions. I haven't seen you break down yet. I'm worried Stay. I don't want anything to happen to you. I am after all...responsible for you. I feel that way even more so now since our parents...well, you know how I feel." He says as he lets out a sigh.

I know the way Noah feels about me and I cannot let my feelings get clouded, especially now. I do love Noah and I cannot hurt him. He is my everything. The last thing I want to do is jeopardize what we have by ruining our special relationship. I cannot be his girlfriend.

Noah is the most beautiful boy I've ever seen, beautiful sea green eyes, sandy blonde hair, he's even gone through a growth spurt. He's well over six feet tall and his rower's physique is perfect in every way. If I'd seen him on the street he'd definitely have my attention, but this Noah...my best friend. I've loved him ever since I can remember but not in that 'special' girlfriend kind of way. I did have a crush on him at one time but quickly pushed those ideas out of my head. I thought he wouldn't be interested in me, that he viewed me as a sister, boy was I wrong but I can't go there now...I can't. My emotions are everywhere and I cannot deal!

Noah and I have an evening ritual, dinner, home work, then we chill on the sofa and watch a little tv, something mindless and light while we eat ice cream. It's something we did with our parents and we didn't want to lose that tradition. It almost feels as though they are still with us. As we are flipping through the channels I see something silly about fishing that makes me laugh, I laugh so hard, I can't stop. I start thinking about my dad, he loved to fish. God I miss my parents! I miss them so freakin much! Shit?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

Noah starts laughing too, "Stay," he says as he continues to laugh. "What is it? What's so funny?" He asks.

**NPOV**

Is this it? Is my little Stay finally going to fall apart? Her laughter sounds off, as though it will turn into tears. Shit! I hope I can handle it. In a way, I've been grateful that she hasn't broken down. It's given me time to focus on all the things that needed to get done with regard to our parent's funeral services, our emancipation, Stay's transfer to my school and living arrangements in what I consider to be our home. I've been in love with Stay since my thirteenth birthday. I've always looked at Stay as my little sister but something happened, something changed. She developed, I developed and I wanted her. She's so beautiful and kind and giving. Unlike the girls at my school who are born of money and wealth, they aren't interesting to me. Granted, some of them are pretty, some I would say are also beautiful but they are nothing compared to Stay.

I'm broken out of my thoughts when I feel Stay launch herself at me, she's kissing me...finally! She's kissing me and her lips feel so good. She is hungry, needy, she's crying as she pushes her tongue in my mouth. It's a frenzied kiss, it's desperate, she needs to fill that emptiness inside of her and as much as I want this, I'm not sure I can do it. It's not right, I cannot take advantage of her emotions. I pull away quickly.

"Stay, what are you doing?" I ask as I feel myself getting hard. Shit! This is so embarrassing.

Stay is panting, she has the saddest eyes. She looks confused. "What do you mean Noah? I'm kissing you, don't you want this? Don't you want me?" She asks as she starts to cry.

"Oh Stay, you know how I feel about you. You know I love you but I can't...I can't...not like this. You're confused and scared and hurt and I can't take advantage of you. Please understand Stay. Please don't make this harder for me because I'm not sure I can control myself." I plead as a try to control my out of control dick that has a mind of its own!.

I take her hand and say, "Come," as I lead her upstairs to her bedroom, "It's been a long day and we have rowing practice in the morning."

She takes my hand and I practically run upstairs before I change my mind, I walk Stay to her door, open it and say, "Go on, get some rest."

She has her head down and says, "I'm sorry Noah, I don't know what came over me."

I cup her chin and say, "It's ok Stay, I understand. Promise me you won't do that again, you know I'm not that strong." I say as I playfully nudge her shoulder and push her towards her bedroom.

**APOV**

I look up at Noah and it's as though I've seen him again for the first time. He's still in his dress clothes from school, he wore a suit today for his debate class. He looks so handsome, like a young entrepeneur. He gently shoves me and says that he's not that strong. I nudge him back and feel the ripple of his strong arms under his dress shirt.

"Good night Noah, see you in the morning." I say as I quickly turn and walk in my bedroom.

Geez, I don't know what I was thinking! I practically threw myself at Noah. I need to get a grip here, I'm only sixteen years old. I've not had a boyfriend, I have never been interested. I've had a few boys that asked me out on dates but I preferred reading my romance novels on a Saturday night. Who needs drama at such a young age? Not me! Losing my parents has been more than enough pain and drama for me. I want to live a simple quiet, drama-free and happy life...I wonder if it's in the stars? I hope so. I close my eyes and say, "Good night Daddy and Mommy...I love you guys so much, I hope you know that I'm always thinking about you and that I know you're always with me, guiding me, protecting me and loving me."

**A/N**

**For the record, in my story Ray Steele is/was Ana's biological father. Please review and let me know if you have any questions. I'll be happy to answer them.**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie**


	2. Chapter 2

**APOV**

_The police officer shows up at the front door. "No, please! Please don't tell me, I don't want to know! It's not true! It cannot be true if I don't hear the words!" I run out the back door and jump in the nearby lake. I'm drowning and I don't know why! I can swim! I'm a strong swimmer and yet, I feel myself sinking deeper into the depths of the lake, fighting for air, I inhale the water, I'm blacking out..._

"No!" I shout as I gasp for air.

My clothes are soaked in sweat. Noah didn't want me to know, he always tries to protect me but I saw the police report. The officer told us that our parents were hit by a drunk driver which was true but we didn't know (at the time) that they died gasping for air. Their car was submerged under water. They couldn't get out. I have nightmares about their deaths almost every night. I wake up screaming and fighting for air, tonight is no different.

I'm a stinky sweaty mess so I decide to take a quick shower and it finally happens. I break down and sink to the floor. I let the water hit me and I cry until I have nothing else to give. I slowly dry myself off, get dressed in a tank top and booty shorts and I look out my bedroom window. This is not my home, I miss my home with my mom and dad. I will never see them again, I am alone...all alone. I need my mom and dad, I need them now more than ever. I'm a kid without parents, who will take care of me, who will give me the parent talks that I need, who will make me hot chocolate when I don't feel good? Who can I share my day with after school? I'm lost and all I want right now is security, all I want is love. I start to cry again..."Mommy! Daddy! Why?" I shout as I sob, "Why? I need you! I miss you guys so much! It's not fair! Why did this happen? Please God, bring them back! Wake me up from this nightmare! Please!"

I quickly run to Noah's room and sit on his bed, "Stay?" Noah sits up, and I see his strong chiseled chest as he's not wearing a shirt. "What is it? Are ok? Did you have another one of your nightmares?" He asks as he turns on his low light desk lamp.

I nod and say, "Noah, they're gone! They're not coming back! I miss them so much! What am I going to do? What are you going to do? What are we going to do? I need them, I need them so much. I'm...I'm all alone!" I cry as I lean into Noah's chest.

"Hey now," Noah says as he pushes my hair out of my face and rubs my back. "I know Stay, I miss them too. I miss them every hour of every day. We had the best parents ever and now they're...gone. Don't worry, we'll be ok Stay. We have each other and we will always take care of each other right?" He says as he cups my chin and looks into my eyes.

I think of my parents and how empty I feel without them here, "I'm alone Noah, you're alone. Our parents our gone. We are all alone!"

Noah grabs my face and says, "Stay, We. Are. Not. Alone. Got it?"

I look into Noah's beautiful sea green eyes and I get lost in them. I slowly lean into his face and gently kiss his soft lips. I scoot closer to him on the bed and put my hands on his chest. He feels so hard, his muscles are rippled and I feel something deep inside me. I'm tingling, my body is alive, I feel my nipples getting hard. Holy cow! What's happening to me? I hear Noah moan, "Oh God Stay, please...don't do this..."

I ignore his plea, this feels so good, there is no longer pain. I kiss him harder and I gently push my tongue in his mouth. I've never kissed anyone before. This feels so good, I need this, I need to feel loved. I need his strong arms around me. Noah begins to shift away and I see that he has a boner, it's popping through his bed sheet.

"Noah, let's do it." I say as I try to lean forward as he again pushes back away from me.

"Stay, God Stay...I told you not to do this. I'm not that strong, I'm still a guy you know! I have...needs dammit and you're really making this hard...uh I mean difficult for me to do the right thing!"

"Noah, us doing it will be the right thing. Please, I need you Noah. I want you to...make love to me, please." I need him to fill me. I need him to fill this emptiness inside of me. My body is on fire and I want him, I've never felt this way before and looking at him now, no shirt, strong arms, he's gorgeous! How have I not noticed this?!

I look at him with the saddest of eyes, hoping I can reach him, hoping he will take me. I want to forget about the pain and the rest of the world. I just want Noah and I to be close, I want us to be one, together. I guess I'm feeling what you would call 'lorny' a mixture of lonely and horny and Noah is 'lorny' too because his woody has gotten much bigger.

Noah looks at me and I can tell he's having an internal battle with himself. I think 'Good Noah' is going to win because he takes a deep breath and says, "Look Stay, I know you want this but..."

I cut him off and lunge at him. I kiss him again and push him down on the bed. "Noah," I moan, "I want you, please." I say as my hand wanders down to his penis. It's so hard and before I know it, I find myself reaching under the sheet to grab it. Whoa! He's naked! He's not wearing pj bottoms! I wasn't expecting that!

Noah moans "Oh man!" He kisses me with an urgency, the same urgency that I have. I soon find myself straddling him and I lower myself to kiss his face.

Noah looks up at me and says, "Stay, you are so damn beautiful." He grabs me and rolls over so that I'm beneath him. He straddles me and slowly reaches for the hem of my tank-top. He's having that damn internal battle with himself and I quickly lift my shirt up and remove it exposing my breasts. His eyes darken and he slowly lowers himself to them. He takes my breast in his mouth and begins to suck me. Oh my god! It feels so good! My back lifts off of the bed in response to him sucking on me! Wow! I like this feeling but it's not enough. I want more of him, I need him inside me. His penis is right in front of me so I grab it and proceed to stroke him.

"Oh God Stay, that feels so good." Noah moans as he kisses my other breast.

"Noah please, I need you...please do it..." I moan as I lift my hips up.

He slowly removes my panties and positions the tip of his penis near the entrance of my kitty kat. I lift my back again, I want him inside me, to fill the emptiness deep within my soul. He takes himself in his hand and rubs his tip up and down my kitty kat, I can feel that I'm wet down there and he's rubbing my wetness all around. He's moaning and I'm wondering if this is going to get him off. I sure hope not because I'm ready to feel all of him inside of me.

"Please Noah, put it in. I need you to fill me, I'm so empty inside." I cry out as I feel the tears slide down my eyes dripping into my ears.

**NPOV**

My cock is so hard and so ready to plunge inside Stay, I cannot wait any longer but I'm still a gentleman, my parents raised me with manners so as much as I want this I have to be sure, absolutely sure, "Stay," I moan as I probe my cock a little further inside her hot wetness, "Are you sure about this? We can stop, I will understand baby."

Fuck, I called her baby!

"Yes Noah, I'm sure please I need this emptiness inside to go away. Please fill me with your love."

She said 'love!' Does Stay love me? Is this really happening?

"Ok baby," I say as I push further and position myself to dive into her beautiful pink flower, "I'm going in," and with those words I thrust hard and I feel something inside her give.

She moans, "Oh God, it hurts!"

Fuck! Should I stop? What now?

"Are you ok? You want me to stop Stay?" I ask hoping that she doesn't want this to end. I want to come and I want to feel her.

"No, don't stop. Keep going, I just need to get used to this feeling." She says as she starts to buck up against me. "Please keep going Noah, I need this." She begs as she grabs my shoulders.

She feels so damn good and I know it's only a matter of seconds before I come.

"Stay, oh God Stay, keep moving. I'm almost there baby, I'm almost...Oh God! Yes!" I shout as I feel myself explode. I collapse on Stay and she holds me tight. Crying and kissing my head.

"Oh Noah, that was...thank you Noah." Stay says as she strokes my back. I love feeling her hands running up and down my body.

"Ana, that was amazing." I say as I try to return my breathing to normal.

"Noah, you just called me 'Ana'. Why is that?" Ana asks as she kisses my head once more.

I lift myself and crawl up to her face and say, "Well, your name is Ana. 'Stay' was my childhood friend, I think we've just changed our relationship and we have taken it to another level."

I feel Ana stiffen up, shit! Maybe this is too soon? Well geez, we just had sex, doesn't mean something to her? I love her! Doesn't she love me?

"Yes Noah, we have taken our relationship to another level and I want to you to know something." She says as she takes a deep breath.

Shit, this isn't going to be good. She's going to break my heart. I know it! She can't love me, she never has, well, not in that way, not even now after we had sex?

No! We didn't have sex, we made LOVE!

"What is it Ana?" I ask as I caress her soft cheek. Damn she's so beautiful!

"Noah, I...I love you. I know we're only sixteen but..."

I don't let her finish her sentence as I kiss her hard on the lips. I want to jump up and shout to the mountaintops! She does love me! Ana loves me! Finally!

"I love you too Ana! So very much! I know we're only sixteen, but Ana my love for you is...I don't know how to put it into words but you must know that I will always love you Ana. Always."

Ana looks scared, something is freaking her out. Maybe I came on too strong? She has to know what I feel for her, she has to know that this is special. I feel a lump in my throat but I have to ask, "Ana, what is it?"

"Shit!" Ana jumps out of bed completely naked and looking oh so hot! "Noah, what's wrong with us? We didn't use a condom!"

I feel the ground swallow me up, I'm dizzy and all I can manage to say is "Fuck!"

**APOV**

"Noah! What have we done?!" I shout as I grab a bed sheet to cover up my nakedness. "I can't be pregnant! Please don't let me be pregnant. I'm only sixteen years old!" I shout as I start to feel sick to my stomach. Geez, this can't be morning sickness already can it? Of course it can't! We just had sex not two minutes ago! Oh great! Now I'm losing my mind!

"Ana, did you hear me?" Noah says as he carries me back to bed and lays down next to me. We are face to face.

He wraps his hard muscular body around me and I shout, "What are you doing? Oh no you don't! We're not doing **_that_** again! Haven't we done enough? I might be pregnant! Is that registering in your thick skull? You might be a father dammit!" I'm finding it hard to breath, it's like I'm having a nightmare only this one is real.

"Easy Ana, I'm not going to do anything. I'm only trying to calm you down baby. Relax, take a deep breath. It's going to be ok. We'll figure this out." He says as he kisses my cheek.

"Oh Noah, I'm sorry I came on to you. This is my fault." I say as I find myself getting turned on again as I feel his penis getting hard and poking my stomach. Good Lord, what the hell is wrong with me?

Noah laughs and says, "Ana, this isn't your fault. I mean it does take two to people to uh...you know."

I look at Noah, my best friend, my boyfriend and I can't help but laugh. He can't even say what we just did. It's quite funny actually, the more I think about it, the more I laugh, maybe I'm going crazy. Is that one of the side effects of pregnancy I wonder?

"Ana, what's so funny?" Noah asks as he smiles at me with his perfect teeth. He really is hot!

"Well, look at us Noah. We've been best friends since forever and now we're...more than friends and you can't even say we just did. It's called having sex Noah. You can say it ya know, it's ok." I say as I twirl my finger in his curly golden locks.

"No Ana, you are mistaken. We didn't have sex, we made love. I love you Ana." Noah says as he kisses me.

"Noah, I can't do it again. I'm a little sore." I say as I yawn and lay on his chest. His body feels so nice. His chest is strong and warm and even though I might be pregnant...for the first time since we have lost our parents, I feel...safe.

**A/N**

**Wasn't that a nice sweet loving moment between Noah and Ana? Not enough you say? You want to read something really hot? Well, might I suggest you read "Submit To Ana" by author missreadingfool. Nothing but hot lemons with out all the drama and angst. Unfortunately this story was removed from the FF website. Do not read the story if a little 'girl on girl' action offends you. I've tried to send a link but I believe the FF website prohibits that type of stuff so try going to a search engine (like google) and enter 'Submit To Ana' I hope you can find it because it's really hot!**

**I've also been a cheerleader and have recommended that you try reading/following a couple of stories. I have two personal faves; Late Night Thoughts by Author Netzel, it's a 'happy place' where you can bask in the undying love of Christian and Ana. **

**My other fave is Darkness and White by Author Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps. This is not your typical FSOG story, they have entirely different characters but it is a really well thought out story and I have become Perhaps' personal cheerleader. If you have a moment, do check these stories out and if you like them, please review and tell them that I sent you their way. **

**I will try to update regularly on Tuesdays.**

**Thank you to Tik, Jaimini, Dreamcatcher51, Kid and Mallory! You are all very sweet and I appreciate your reviews! **

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	3. Chapter 3

*****Two Weeks Later*****

**APOV**

I know I should feel relieved that I got my period but I guess I should be careful what I wish for because 'Aunt Flow' arrived with a vengeance and she is really pissed off! I lay in bed with a fever and the cramps are so sharp, I'm doubled over in pain. Noah arrives from school and puts a cold compress on my head.

"Ana?" Noah says as I open my eyes, he looks so worried about me. "I'm calling Dr. Stevens."

Dr. Stevens has been our Doctor since we were kids. He's a long time family friend. He knew both mine and Noah's parents. He checks in on us from time to time. He's not fond of us living on our own but he knows we are in good hands.

"Noah, I feel so silly. I mean it's just my period but...ooohh..." I feel that sharp pain and with that Noah walks to the intercom and pages Mason.

Mason is Head of Staff at Shepherd House. He's more like an Uncle to me just like Laurel who was Noah's one time nanny and is now the full-time house keeper is like an Aunt to me. I've known Mason and Laurel for as long as I can remember. Noah and I know that Mason and Laurel are 'together' but they try to keep it on the down low. Noah and I laugh about the fact that we are a couple trying to keep our secret just like they are a couple trying to keep their secret. It's like we have an unspoken agreement with one another about our sex lives.

"Ana honey," Laurel murmurs as she takes my temperature. "Are you feeling any better?"

"A little bit," I lie as I feel more pain hitting me hard.

"Don't worry sweetheart, Dr. Stevens is here now. You're going to be fine."

Two days later and after several tests, I have been diagnosed with uterine fibroid tumors. It sounds scary but it's not, the tumors are very small in diameter and I have been prescribed the pill to help control my excessive 'flowing' so I guess it works out well in case Noah and I...you know.

****Saturday Morning-Lake Union Rowing Club*****

Our Junior year (11th grade) in high school goes by in a flash. Noah and I are making plans for our senior year and then trying to decide where we would like to attend college. I'm such a homebody, I wouldn't mind staying here and attending a local Junior College. I know I don't have to worry about paying for my higher education but I feel strange knowing that my college tuition comes from the Shepherd name. My parents have left me with a rather large nest egg and my God Parents have also taken care of me financially so money isn't an issue, I suppose I just want to do things on my own.

Noah on the other hand, has big dreams. He plans on attending Harvard and I have a sneaky feeling that he wants me to go with him. We still have a year to figure things out so I guess we will have to wait and see.

"Steele! Are you listening to me?" Coach Walsh yells from across the lake.

Shoot! That's what I get for day dreaming.

"Sorry Coach Walsh, what was that?" I shout back as I row back to the dock.

I love to scull on a single and get lost in my thoughts...I escape reality and for a little while, I imagine my life is back to normal, that I've not lost my mom and dad, that all is right with the world.

"Ana!" Noah shouts as he rows in the 8-boat, Noah is a total stud. He is always in the stroke seat. "Where are you going?"

"Coach wants to see me, I'll see you when you get back!" I shout as they boat zooms by. I wish I could row more often but my skills are better utilized as a coxswain and I know this season will be my biggest and best season ever!

"What is it Coach?" I ask as Coach Walsh motions for me to take a seat.

"Ana, you've been recruited." Coach Walsh says with a huge smile on her face.

"Recruited? I don't understand. What do you mean?" I ask wondering how this will affect me.

"Harvard wants you to attend their summer program at the end of the school year. They have offered you a full ride scholarship for rowing. They want you on their team!" Coach Walsh is practically jumping up and down.

Harvard? Where Noah is planning on attending. Did he have anything to do with this?

"I see." I say with no emotion.

"Is that all you have to say Ana? Harvard wants **_you!" _**They have singled you out to attend their rowing program and offer you a full ride and all you can say is 'I see?' Are you ok?"

"No Coach Walsh, I'm not. I'm sort of confused. Does Noah know about this?" I ask wondering if perhaps Coach Walsh is involved as well.

"Of course not, why would he know about this? The scouting and recruiting process is all done with no advanced notification to us or to our potential candidates. That way the recruiters can see everyone without the possible candidates putting on a show...so to speak."

"Ok, well. I really have to think about this. I mean, if I say yes, how soon will this happen?"

"Right after you finish your Junior year. You're grades are exemplary so you will skip your last year of high school."

"Wait a minute, this all happening too fast for me. The school year is over in two weeks. Can I sleep on this? Is this something that has to be decided right now?" I ask feeling overwhelmed...Mommy, Daddy...I could sure use your guidance right about now. I love you guys so much...I'm so sorry Mom and Dad, so very sorry.

"No, you don't need to decide at this very moment Steele but I do recommend that you make your decision quickly. These types of offers only come along once in a lifetime."

*****Later That Evening-Shepherd House*****

**NPOV**

"Ana, did you hear me?" I ask as I try to pull Ana from her thoughts. She looks worried.

"Sorry, what was that?" Ana asks as she plays with her food.

"I said, 'Are you going to eat or just push your food around the plate?' What's going on Ana, it's obvious something is on your mind." She looks at me and I get lost in her baby blues. She is so beautiful. I hope we can fool around tonight.

"I was asked to attend a summer rowing program at Harvard. Coach Walsh said I can skip my final year in high school and attend Harvard one year early. I've been offered a full scholarship. What do you know about this Noah? Did you make this happen? If so, I'm not going. It doesn't seem right, my taking scholarship money from someone who may rightfully deserve it." She sounds mad. Why would I want her to leave me? This doesn't make any sense.

"No, I didn't have anything to do with this, but this is great news Ana! We can go to college together! We won't be apart! I'll join the summer program too! I'll speak to my counselor about starting my first year at Harvard with you. I have awesome grades as well and hopefully my AP classes will impress them. I try not to use my 'Shepherd' name or money to get things that I want but this is different!"

I'm so happy! Ana and I will be together. I won't have to worry about her meeting someone else! Ana is my first and only true love. I know we are young but I cannot see myself with out her. We've been through so much together. We will eventually marry and have a wonderful life. I want to make Ana happy. She's been through enough sadness and so have I. We deserve a happy life...together!

"So...you really didn't have anything to do with my attending Harvard?" She asks me while she squeezes my hand.

"No, does that mean you plan on accepting the scholarship?" Please say yes, please say yes!

"Of course I am accepting! I cannot believe that I was chosen! I really have to step up my game if I plan on taking Harvard by storm! I'm so excited Noah!"

She jumps out of her chair, sits on my lap and kisses me. "I love you Noah." She says as she runs her fingers in my hair.

God she makes me feel so good.

"Let's take this upstairs baby." I say as I grab her hand and we run like four-year olds chasing an ice cream truck!

I take Ana to my room and despite our many times making love, Ana is still shy. She always makes my dim my night stand light. I would like to leave the light shining brightly so I can check out her perfect body but I guess there's something about girls...they are so hard on themselves.

I remember one 'mean girl' in particular that was being very nasty to Ana during gym class. Ana stood her ground but I heard her crying that night. She puts up a strong front but I know it's hard for her. Her nightmares happen every night and I told her we should sleep together but she prefers to sleep in her own room. I feel as though she's torn between wanting someone to care for her and wanting to be independent.

I'm only sixteen years old and I'm still trying to figure this all out. I hope one day I can make her feel safe, I want her to be happy with me...as happy as I am with her.

**APOV**

Noah dims the light and that is my cue to undress. I do it quickly, jump on Noah's bed and hide under the sheets. Noah doesn't have any self-esteem body issues, he shouldn't! He lifts up his shirt and I see his strong muscular chest. He takes off his pants and boxers and I can see he is very 'excited.' His body is perfect in every way.

Just looking at him turns me on. He's tall with a bronze God like tan, his curly blonde hair and beautiful sea green eyes pierce my eyes. My body feels warm all over, he does things to me, makes me feel things I've never felt before. I know we are young but I can't see myself with anyone else but Noah.

He looks like a surfer 'dude' from California. The kind I've only seen in the movies, why he loves me, I have no clue, I only know that we've been through so much together and if it weren't for Noah, I'm not sure how I would have survived. He is it for me and I am grateful that I have him in my life and that he loves me.

**NPOV**

I undress slowly because I know that Ana likes to look at me while I strip. I don't mind giving her a show. I like knowing that she enjoys looking at my body, I only wish she would do the same for me. It will come in time, I know. We're still young and we have our whole lives ahead of us to have fun and maybe we can be more 'adventurous' with each other. For now we will just do things nice and slow. There is nothing better than making love to Ana. I lose all control when her perfect body bucks up against me. I wish I could make her cum. We will just have to keep practicing until we get it right.

I lay down next to her and she cuddles up against me. I lay on my back and she half lies on my chest and kisses my nipples. I feel a shiver and I'm ready to plunge inside her but I want to make her feel good as well. I push her off of me and kiss her breasts, I softly bit her nipple and she moans with pleasure. I love hearing her moan. It makes me that much more horny only that's not such a good thing because it makes me want to fuck her hard and I'm not sure she's ready for that. I lower myself down as I plan on kissing her pussy. I start by kissing her stomach and I reach up with my hands and caress her tits. They feel so soft and sexy. I start to kiss the apex of her thighs when she stiffens up, "Uh Noah, please don't go there."

"Why Ana? I know you'd like it." I plead as I look up into her eyes.

She looks worried. "I don't know, it just...just give me some time please. I just...I'm not sure about it. I mean, I pee down there for goodness sakes."

I can't help but laugh, "Oh geez Ana, I love you!" I say as I work my way back up and kiss her face. "I'm going in baby."

She bucks her hips and says, "Yes, please Noah."

With those words Ana and I get lost in each other but I still didn't make her cum! Shit!

**A/N**

**From time to time I will be explaining what some rowing terms mean. Sculling is when a person rows with two oars, one in each hand. Sweeping is when you row with more than one person (in a boat) and you each handle a single oar. If in the future I fail to describe a rowing term, just let me know and I will gladly explain it to you.**

**Did you recognize/see your name? Yes, that person was really named after you, my loyal follower. I will be throwing in some of my reviewers/followers names here and there and perhaps give some of you a part in my story (like I did with my first story, MAG-Meet At Graduation) so let me know if you might be interested when I put the word out for a particular character.**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Rosie :D**


	4. Chapter 4

*****Harvard University*****

**APOV**

Can it be? Am I really here? I've been in the summer program for a little over two weeks and I still cannot believe it! I'm sixteen years old and I've been recruited by Harvard! The campus, if you can call it a 'campus' is beyond huge. It's like its own little city. You really don't need to leave the Harvard for anything. Everything you need is right here! The first thing Noah and I did once we settled in is checked out where we would be rowing. It's called Charles River and it is absolutely awe-inspiring! I've been out rowing every day since we got here and I love it! I've been taking advantage of the relaxed schedule and getting familiar with how things work around here.

There are five other scholarship kids and I've met them all. They seem nice and even though they are only one year older than me, they seem so much more mature and what blows my mind is that they know who I am. I'm shocked! It appears that the word is out that a sixteen year old girl is going to take rowing by storm. Great! No pressure on me!

Noah is taking this change all in stride. He's the talk of the girls rowing team and I do not like that one bit! The girls crew has some really pretty girls on the team, very athletic looking but in a girly type of manner. They all look very intimidating. I'm not sure they are in the right place, some of them can easily pass for super models!

I go to the girls dressing room to put on my uni when I hear some girls arrive. I planned on introducing myself but I stopped as I heard one of them say, "_I don't know much. His name is Noah and he's gorgeous. He looks like he comes from California. He has that typical beach boy kind of look. Blonde hair, green eyes, golden tan and muscular!"_

_"He is definitely muscular. Have you seen him rock his uni? Oh dear me! He's very blessed and that's just him being 'normal' sized. Imagine what his cock looks like when he's got a hard on?!"_

The girls start giggling and I feel the anger rising in me.

_"I won't have to imagine for long, give me some time and I'll fill you all in on how good he really is."_

_"He's really nice too, a gentleman in every way. He helped me put away my oars. Looks like Christian is going to have some well deserved competition and this Noah guy is just what we need. Someone nice, sweet and polite. Not dark and brooding. Grey can be such a dick! He's so full of himself."_

_"That's right ladies, you leave Grey to me. I like that type of guy. You all can have your fun chasing Mr. Sunshine. Give me a bad boy any day!" _

Whoa, she sounds like a man-eater!

_"Hmph! You can have him Bree! Grey is nothing but trouble, he will chew you up and spit you out!" _

Smart girl!

_"I like being 'chewed' up, especially if Grey is the one nibbling on me!" _

So says the man-eater who apparently likes to be 'eaten' as well!

_"Well it's settled, Bree goes after Grey and we can fight over Noah AKA Golden California Boy!" _

The girls squeal in delight.

I hear another voice say, _"I don't think so, rumor has it that Noah came with 'The Kid!' They are a couple, you know, as in dating? You guys better watch yourselves. Coach Bowness has made it clear that we are to welcome her with open arms."_

Ok, this girl sounds nice.

_"I don't get why __**we **__have to welcome her? She's not even part of our team!" _

Ugh, this girl sounds like trouble!

_"I know right? The Kid is going to be hanging out and coxing all those hot guys! Why couldn't I be born with a tiny frame?"_

_"Listen, it doesn't matter that she's not part of our rowing team, she is still part of our crew and you will all be nice to her if you know what's good for you!" _

The nice voice says in my defense. I need to find out who she is, it's good to know I have someone on my side.

_"What's that suppose to mean?"_

_"It means that 'The Kid' is already making heads turn and while she is quite pretty, the heads are turning not based on her looks, but on how she can cox a boat."_

_"Oh! I heard that too! Rumor has it she can make an 8-boat fly across the water in record time."_

_"I wonder what her secret is?"_

_"Why do you care Bree? You're much too tall to cox." _

_"Well, sometimes secrets can be used to expose weakness."_

_"Geez Bree, leave 'The Kid' alone. You don't even know her!" _

Score more points for the nice voice! Yay! I think I have a friend!

So, I'm known as 'The Kid'...and I've already got a pack of 'mean girls' to deal with in addition to trying to find my way. I wait for the voices to die down and I head out to the water. I need to get on a boat and escape my self doubting thoughts.

*****End Of Summer*****

**GREYS HALL**

**APOV**

School is starting in one week and things have been going rather well. My dorm room is meant for two but I've not been paired with anyone. I feel like an outsider and I can't help but feel like this is how it's going to be for the next four years. The only time I feel happy and normal is when I'm with Noah but since this is a girls only dorm we usually say our good-byes in the evening. The good thing about not having a roommate is I can sneak Noah in for some 'fun' time. Sometimes I wonder if he planned it this way. He's still trying to make me have my first orgasm and I feel guilty that I can't come, I want to, if only to put Noah's mind at ease but I guess we can still have fun practicing. I think I have to learn to let go and release my inhibitions but I still feel...Oh I don't know.

**KNOCK! KNOCK!**

I'm startled by someone at my door. I jump up and open it and there she is, the prettiest little blonde girl that I have ever seen! She has luggage!

"Hi, are you 'The Kid?' That is, oh gosh! I'm so sorry I meant to ask if you are Ana Steele?"

I can't help but giggle, I have come to accept my nick name and wear like a badge of honor.

"Yup, I'm 'The Kid' AKA Ana Steele."

"I'm your new roommate. My name is Holly, Holly Owens." She says as she extends her hand.

"I didn't know I was getting a roommate. Not that I mind, I think it's great!"

"Yeah, I didn't know I would end up attending Harvard but I got a call at the last moment and they said they had an opening and now, here I am! A full scholarship!"

"I thought there were only accepting five of us with a full scholarship?" I ask slightly confused as I scratch my head.

"I know right? Well, somehow the numbers were crunched and they found room for one more and here I am!" Holly hugs me hard and I can tell we are going to be good friends.

It hits me, all at once and I feel like I'm going to cry. I think back to a conversation that Noah and I had just as we were packing up and moving to Harvard.

_"Noah, I'm glad I have a full scholarship but I can't help but wonder who else would be here if I didn't accept the scholarship. I mean, there are so many kids out there who cannot afford this type of education and I'm taking someone's spot because my pride won't allow you to pay for my tuition."_

_"Ana, quit over thinking things. Just relax and be grateful that you're here, with me, we're together."_

_"I love you Noah."_

Listen Holly, I have to go. I need to see my boyfriend and thank him for something. I'll be back later.

I run across campus to Weld Boathouse and there he is, with his uni off of his chest looking perfect! He just put away his oars and he's going in the boathouse. I hide behind the Empachers.

"Hi Noah," I purr as I approach my boyfriend.

"Ana, what are you doing here baby?" He smiles as he walks towards me and kisses me full on the lips.

"I'm just making sure that my boyfriend hasn't been claimed by one of the super models, that's all." I say as I run my hands through his soft blonde hair.

"Ana," Noah moans as he squeezes my ass. "You know those super models have nothing on you baby. You're all I want. I love you."

"I know that. I have to tell you something. I have a new roommate."

"Oh? How did that come about?" He asks as he takes me to a secluded area on the deck where we can have some fun.

"Well, it appears that some money has been 'found' to allow for one more scholarship."

Noah stiffens up, "I'm sorry Ana. Please don't be mad at me. I know you were feeling guilty about 'taking' someone's scholarship and I thought that I could balance things out. I'm either paying for your tuition or the new kid's tuition. Either way, you don't have to feel guilty anymore. Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive Noah. Matter of fact I came here to thank you. Would you like me to show you how I plan on thanking you?" I ask as I take his hand. "Come, let's do it under the moonlight."

"Geez Ana, you really are happy aren't you?" He asks in complete surprise.

"Yes, I am. You do that to me Noah. That was such a sweet thing to do and now I have a wonderful roommate and I don't feel so alone in that dorm. Lie down and take off that uni. I want to be on top."

"Boy if I would have known that I would get this kind of reaction, I would have funded ten more scholarships." He says as he slides off his uni showing off his big boner.

"Hush and watch." I say as I slowly strip off my clothes. I know he is enjoying my show because he can see everything by moonlight. I feel very sexy and I am enjoying every minute. He is the sweetest boyfriend ever!

I slowly straddle Noah and glide myself down on him, he moves against me and we find our balance. We grind up against each other and it feels so good, I keep moving up and down, pushing a little harder and I hear Noah start to moan.

"Oh God, you make me feel so damn good Ana. Don't stop." He pleads as he tilts his head back.

His words fuel me and I start to move faster and harder, then I feel it, I start to shiver and tremble. There's something building up deep inside me, it wants to break free. I feel like I'm going to self combust or something. I start pounding down on Noah and I hear him shout, "Ana, I'm going to..."

"No!" I shout. "Not yet! I feel...oh! It's happening! Oh God!" And with those words, I feel myself tense up and then I explode and throw myself down against his strong chest.

"Ana!" Noah shouts and I feel us come together.

"Oh my God Noah, that was..."

"Perfect." Noah says as he gasping for air. He picks his head up kisses the top of my head.

"I love you Noah." I say as I drift off.

"I love you Ana...always."

**A/N**

**There really is a "Greys Hall" at Harvard only it's spelled 'Gray,' but for the sake of my story I've named it "Greys Hall" as The Grey Family donated all of the funds for this dorm. I think it's cute that Ana is staying at Greys Hall. **

**A 'uni' is short for a 'unitard' which is the customary uniform of a rower. An 'Empacher' is a very expensive row-boat used by only the best funded rowing teams and athletes.**

**Did you see/notice your names my lovelies? **

**Guess who's finally going to make his long-awaited appearance on my next update?**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling.**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm posting much sooner than I had anticipated because I really like the name of a certain guest reviewer. She goes by the name of 'SmileSmore.' Thanks SmileSmore, you made my day!**

**L****ove, **

**SmileRose :D **

**And now Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Christian. **

**Enjoy!**

*****Weld Boathouse*****

**Charles River**

**CPOV **

Oh fucking joy! Another damn year at Harvard listening to a bunch of instructors talking out of their asses! What a fucking waste of time! Damn Carrick and Grace for making me return here once more. I tried to reason with them, I told them that this was just a way for them to _**attempt**_ to keep me out of trouble.

Truth be told, rowing is the main reason, fuck it's the **only** reason that I have returned. Well, that and the fact that I owe it to my parents. They saved me from a shitty life. I would be dead if it wasn't for them so I do try to keep them happy.

Why they love me is beyond my comprehension but I am grateful for their love and I will do what I can to please them, so here I am with a bunch of spoiled ass rich kids living off of their parent's 'legacy' trying to impress one another. What a bunch of losers, I think to myself as I light up a cigarette.

Fuck!

I better stop smoking these damn things now that I'm back!

I step towards the dock to check out the new rowing equipment when I'm called from my thoughts.

"Those things will kill you." Says the tiny little girl in a sarcastic tone as she points with her chin while carrying some oars from the dock.

She has her hands full with those oars. I should give her hand...nah, fuck that!

"Who the hell are you? The Surgeon General?" I spit back.

"I'm the person that will decide your fate, that is if your part of Harvard's Crew." Replies the little firecracker.

"_**You...**_will decide _**my**_ fate?! Well, aren't you the presumptuous one?" I snap back. Who is this kid? She's a pretty little thing.

"I'm not presumptuous. I'm the one that will determine whether you make the Olympic caliber 8-boat so I suggest you stop smoking yesterday." She says without missing a beat.

God, she's hot little dish and that smart mouth! I would love to fuck her brains out!

Shit!

I better get my mind out of the gutter! She looks like a fucking child!

I can't fuck her and how in the hell can this little kid determine who is going to make the 8-boat?

"Not that it's any of your business but I happen to scull a single and who the hell are you, to think you are going to determine who makes the 8-boat?" I ask curious as to how this kid managed to sneak into the boathouse.

**APOV**

Wow! Is he for real? This walking tree has not heard of me? Hell, the entire crew knows who I am.

_Easy Steele get a grip, sounds like you're getting a massive ego!_

I smack down my inner voice and tell her to shut up!

What makes this dude any different from the others who are on the rowing team and why hasn't he offered to help carry my oars?

What a prick! A gorgeous prick but a prick just the same!

"I'm The Kid!" I say with pride.

The dude manages to smirk at me and says, "Well that's fucking obvious little girl."

He follows me back to the boathouse and now I'm really mad at Mr. Attitude!

"That's not what I meant! Everyone, the entire crew refers to me as 'The Kid'...haven't you heard? I'm going to be coxing the 8-boat." I say with pride.

The guy steps a little closer to me and leans down near my face. He better not try anything or else I'll kick him in the balls.

Since he hasn't heard of me, he probably hasn't heard about the jerk that tried to pick me up and impress me with his 'family legacy' and fortune.

Bleh, just thinking about that jerk...what the heck was his name? Jasper? James? Ah yes, Jake! Jake the Snake! I can still hear his voice, the way he spoke made my skin crawl.

"_Hey pretty lady. You know that uni looks great on you. The only thing that would look better on you is me...on you_."

He slithered up to me and caressed my cheek, I couldn't believe it. The nerve of that guy! I saw Noah approaching and I really didn't want Noah to fight or get in trouble so I decided to introduce my knee to Jake's balls! It was over before it started!

I'm called from my thoughts as I hear the dude speak.

"How old are you little Firecracker?" He asks as he keeps his face near mine and that's when I notice his eyes.

They are grey and hauntingly beautiful. I can't help but think of Noah's sea green eyes, they have the same pain in them that this dude has in his eyes. I wonder why? What could have happened to him to make his beautiful grey eyes so sad?

"My name is Ana and why do you want to know my age? What does my age have to do with anything?!" I shout.

"Easy there. No need to shout." He says as he backs away from me.

"Sorry, I'm just tired of people, the crew mostly, questioning whether I should be here. I know I'm younger than most but I am a damn good coxswain!"

"You must be if you are here little Firecracker, you seem to have lots of...'pop' little one." He says as he smiles at me.

Holy moly! What a smile! I'm freakin' blinded by his aura, that's what it is...he has an aura about him and he knows it. Smug bastard.

"So, what's your story Mr. Walking Tree? What brings you here?"

"Walking Tree?" He says with a questioning look on his face.

"Yes, you know. You're tall like a tree, you're walking...haven't you seen 'Lord of The Rings-The Two Towers?' It was a massive block buster movie trilogy you know. The Ents were the name of the walking trees."

Geez, why am I rambling? This guys makes me nervous.

"I'm not into movies." He says rather gruffly.

What's up with this guy? Who the hell is he?

"Well, what are you into?" I ask curious as to what this dude's story is.

**CPOV**

What am I into? Oh little Firecracker, if you only knew! Yes, I'd love to see the look on her face when I say, _'Well, since I can't handle human touch of a soft nature, I basically fight and fuck to tolerate human contact. What about you? What are you into?'_

_Easy Grey, she is a kid! You'll destroy this little girl by chewing her up and spitting her out!_

"What I'm '**_into'_** is rowing and you are currently obstructing me from doing so, now if you will excuse me please?" I say as I curiously find myself bowing to her...what the fuck is that all about?!

"Of course," The little Firecracker says as she steps out of my way. "Don't let me stop you."

I proceed to unbutton my pants and lift up my t-shirt, she might as well get accustomed as to how I do things around here.

"Whoa, what are you doing? There's dressing quarters in the boathouse ya know?" Little Miss Firecracker says as I see her face turn a lovely shade of red.

"True, but since I'm in a hurry to get out on the water and since no one is here..." I drift off and continue to undress. Unbeknownst to her, I'm wearing my uni under my street clothes.

"Uh, ok. I'll see you later." She says as she runs back towards campus.

"Hey wait!" I shout.

Why the fuck do I want her to wait?

Whatever!

I need to fine tune my feathering technique. Damn kid is nothing but a bother! I'm so fucking happy that I decided to quit the 8-boat midway through the season last year. I decided to row a single. No team and no coxswain trying to hit on me while I'm rowing and trying to keep an even stroke rate! It's just me and my boat and my fucked up thoughts! That's how it should be.

Fuck them! Fuck all of them!

"Hey Christian, how are you doing baby?"

I turn to see Bree staring at me wearing shorts that are two sizes too small for her and a white camisole that leaves nothing to the imagination.

"What do you want Bree?" I ask in frustration.

My biggest regret is fucking Bree. I should have known better than to fuck someone on the crew. Things tend to get complicated when you do that shit. Once I'm rich, one of the rules that I will follow will be to not fuck my staff!

"Well, it's nice to see you too tiger." She purrs as she steps near me.

"Tiger? I don't fucking think so! My name is Christian or Mr. Grey." Might as well get accustomed to people addressing me by my surname. "Look Bree, what we had is in the past. I made it very clear to you that I don't do the 'girlfriend' thing so you better move on! I'm done! I don't fuck the crew! You were my biggest mistake and I do not intend to fuck up again. Got it!?" I shout as I try once again to get my point across to this stubborn mule.

"Oh Christian, what will you do for...entertainment? I'm the only one crazy enough that will allow you to do 'certain' things to me that I know you like to do." She steps closer to me and attempts to touch my chest and I see red.

"Don't you fucking touch me! I've told you about that shit and in case you don't remember we only fucked once! One fucking time! Now get the fuck over it and leave me alone!" I shout again.

Bree winces at my words but I really don't give a shit. I don't care about anyone so she might as well figure it out now. I refuse to take her or anyone for that matter down my dark path. No one can go there, not that I really care about Bree in any way shape or form but I still wouldn't want to subject anyone to my fuckedupness.

"Ok, Christian. Message received." Bree says dejectedly as she walks away.

Thank fuck!

I can finally get out on the water!

*****GREY'S HALL*****

**APOV**

I fly back to my dorm room at record speed. Geez, what was up with that guy?!

"Ana, are you ok? You look a little...flushed." Holly says as she pulls the buds out of her ears. She's sitting on her bed with her lap top.

"Yeah, I'm fine Holly. I just decided to take a quick run from the boathouse to our room. You know, sort of getting fired up for our first official practice." I say as I try to regulate my breathing. My heart is racing. Hmmmm...

"Oh! I'm so excited! It's going to be so much fun!" Holly squeals with enthusiasm.

"I have to admit...I'm a little nervous. I mean, I hope I can live up to everyone's expectations. I hope the crew accepts me." I say ambiguously.

"Relax Ana. You'll be fine! You're so lucky! You get to cox the boy's team! There are so many hotties out there to drool over!" Holly says as she slips into per pj's.

"I hope you're right Holly. Let's get some rest and see what tomorrow brings. If your practice ends early come on by and watch me cox. I could use the support of a friend." I say as I smile at Holly and throw her an extra pillow.

"Thanks Ana, I will do that! Any excuse the check out the talent!"

And with that, we turn off lights and get some much-needed rest.

**A/N**

**Find me on Facebook under Smile Rose. I'll be posting pictures from my stories Meet At Graduation and Hanging At The Catch. **

**So, what did you think? Not what you expected? I'm sure you didn't expect them to declare their love right then and there did you?**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling! :D**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie**


	6. Chapter 6

*****Weld Boathouse Charles River*****

**NPOV**

Ana and I arrive together for our first practice. We are both 'newbies' and we are also extremely competitive. I know that Ana is a little nervous but I think she is ready to get out on a boat to cox and I am more than ready to impress the team as well as the coaches with my skills. I've improved my feathering technique thanks to Ana. She has a great eye for observing the smallest of things and making me a better rower. I really want to make stroke seat but I won't let the crew know because I don't want to overstep my position since I am a novice on the team.

Ana and I get lucky as we are immediately assigned to the first 8-boat. I think word has gotten out about 'The Kid' and her strong coxing skills. I cannot help but beam with pride as I look at my beautiful girlfriend.

There's a lot of testosterone on the dock and I can see that Ana is getting plenty of admiring looks from the crew. I don't mind at all, let them look!I know she is mine.

I don't have a worry in the world! Everyone knows that Ana is my girl with the exception of one jerk who tried to hit on her. He was subsequently kicked off the team for excessive partying and not having a strong commitment to the team. Apparently he was more interested in hooking up with the girls rowing team.

Once we are out on the water Ana does her usual 'hand dip' as she tries to get a feel for the water. I wait for her to make her exclamation.

I know she's freaked out about being out in the water but she hides her fear very well. Nobody knows about Ana's problem and I prefer that we keep it that way until we can figure out how we are going to address the issue.

"The water feels good today guys!" Ana shouts as we position ourselves. "It feels like victory!"

"Yeah it does!" I shout in return hoping to the team fired up.

"Ok crew, let's show them that **this **crew and this coxswain is the Olympic caliber 8-boat!" Ana shouts.

I hear several outbursts of, "Hell yeah!" "Let's do this!" "This is the team!" And then I'm completely surprised when the crew yells out, "Team Ana!"

I wish I could have seen Ana's face. I'm sure she was shocked but happy upon hearing that shout out. I was placed in the sixth seat which isn't bad especially since I'm new but sixth isn't good enough for me! I will make the stroke seat, I have an advantage. My girl is the coxswain and once she evaluates everyone's strengths and weaknesses, she will be able to tell me how and what I need to do to improve my chances of moving up!

Ana makes her power calls and the crew is confused, they aren't familiar with Ana's way of racing. They will become accustomed to it once we race and then we will blow everyone out of the water! This is going to be a blast!

**CPOV**

I watch from afar as the little Firecracker coxes the 8-boat. She's in absolute command of the crew and the boat. It's very awe-inspiring and I cannot help but feel the smallest twinge of regret for quitting the 8-boat I could easily be sitting right in front of her and gazing on her beauty.

Whoa! Where the fuck did that come from?! Shit!

I can hear the crew shouting and getting pumped up as they glide across the water in what looks like record time! The little Firecracker has plenty of pop! She makes them work that boat in a way I've not seen...ever! She's not only coxing, she's evaluating, taking mental notes in her head. She looks adorable with her headset on, shouting her commands out. I have to speak to her...

**APOV**

"Ok everyone, great job!" Coach Bowness shouts out. "You were all impressive today but I do sense that some of you are rusty so everyone and I do mean everyone, including the coxswains will do a 2K on the ergs first thing tomorrow."

I hear a collective groan from the crew and then Mallory asks, "Why do the coxswains have to erg Coach Bowness? We don't row."

"Because we work out together as a team." Coach Bowness replies sternly. "Ok, let's get these boats rigged so we can call it day!"

Everyone disperses to get the boats rigged and to start putting the oars away. I see Noah approaching when I hear someone call out, "Hey, Golden Boy! Come give us hand with 8-boats!"

"Ana, I'll catch up with you later this evening?" I smile and give him a quick kiss.

"Of course. I'm going to help with the oars." I say as I walk towards the dock.

"Oh hey!" Team Captain Tik yells out. "Before everyone goes their separate ways, remember we have karaoke night. It's a great way to get to know everyone on the team and have some fun!"

I grab my oars and walk back towards the boathouse when I hear someone say, "Need a hand with those oars?" I turn quickly and lose my balance.

"Take it easy Firecracker, those oars are heavy." The walking tree says as he flashes me a smile.

"Yes, I know they're heavy. I'm quite familiar with how to handle and carry oars." I say as I turn back around and intentionally attempt to swipe him with the oars.

"Hey!" He shouts back, "You almost hit me!"

"Sorry, I'm in a hurry. I need to meet my boyfriend." I say frustrated that he's slowing me down.

"Boyfriend huh?"

"Yup!" I say as I pop my 'p.'

"Here, let me take those for you." He says as he lifts the oars on his shoulder.

"Thanks," I say as I grab another set of oars and we walk back to the boathouse together in silence. Everyone else has left.

"Any time Firecracker." He says as he puts the oars away.

"I told you, my name is Ana!" I shout unexpectedly.

Why am I so ansy?

"What's your name anyway? You've not properly introduced yourself." I say with my hands on my hips.

"I apologize **_Ana,_** my name is Grey. Christian Grey." He says as he extends his hand.

"Well Grey. Christian Grey, it's nice to meet you." I say as I shake his hand and I'll be damned if I don't feel a pulling sensation when we touch. What the heck is that all about?

Wait a sec? Christian? Christian Grey? He's the one that the girls were talking about in the dressing room. They said he was dark and brooding and full of himself. They were spot on. I think they also said he's somewhat of a bad boy or trouble maker of some sort. I need to get away from him. I don't want him getting in the way of my hopes and dreams.

"Thanks again Christian, I have to go now!" I say as I practically run to make my escape.

"Hey Firecracker, are you going to karaoke tonight?" He asks as he runs to catch up to me.

"Uh, I don't know. I'll check with my boyfriend Noah. See ya!" I say as I smile and run for my life.

**CPOV**

I am...I don't know what I am other than in shock, figuratively and literally! That damn little Firecracker is getting under my skin. I don't understand what the hell is happening to me!

Shit!

She most certainly looks like a nice piece of ass but there's something...more to her, something different and I cannot explain it, I knew from the moment that I saw her and when we touched I fucking felt it! There's a feeling that went through my body, we connected. I have to see her again. I have to know what's going on with this boyfriend of hers and find out if it's serious.

I'll go to the fucking karaoke party in the hopes that she will be there. I hate those stupid team comradery things but perhaps it will allow me to gather some information on the little Firecracker.

That's another rule I will have when I'm rich. I will hire someone who will be available to me at anytime to do background checks. That way I don't have to waste my time doing this shit myself!

**NPOV**

I wonder if Ana is playing dumb or if she completely forgot that it's her birthday today? I know it's been tough for us but I want her to be able celebrate her birthday again. I will do it tonight! Hopefully I don't make too big of a fool of myself.

Knowing my Ana, she will take it all in stride.

**KNOCK! KNOCK!**

"Noah, it's me. Let me in!" Ana shouts and my heart skips a beat. I wasn't expecting to see her until later this evening.

I run towards the door and open it and she launches herself at me.

"Ana, what's up baby?" I say as she pushes me towards the bed. "Did you hear the good news?"

"Good news? What good news?" Ana asks as she starts to undress me.

"I made stroke seat Ana! Can you believe it? Me! My first year and I made stroke seat!" I shout still not believing the good news.

"Oh Noah, that's wonderful!" Ana shouts as she pushes me down on the bed.

"We must celebrate now. I want you Noah. Watching you row and seeing you in your uni...you looked so hot! Come on, let's fool around." She moans as she kisses me and lifts off her shirt.

"Well you don't have to tell me twice baby." I say as I unhook her bra and get undressed.

"I love you Noah..." Ana moans as I kiss her neck and we proceed to get lost in each other.

*****One Hour Later*****

**NPOV**

"Ana, wake up baby." I say as I gently nudge my beautiful girlfriend as she lies on my chest. God I love feeling her, skin on skin, my chest against her beautiful breasts. I could lay like this forever.

"Come on Ana, I want to take you the karaoke party tonight."

"Mmmm...give me a minute." She says as she kisses my chest and starts to stroke my cock.

"Don't start again Ana or we might not leave my room tonight." I say as I caress her back and then squeeze her perfect ass.

"So, you do want to go to that thing tonight?" Ana asks.

I smile and nod.

"Well, in that case I better leave." Ana says as she rolls off of me and stretches out. I love to look at her perfect body. So beautiful.

"Why do you need to leave?" I ask.

"Oh geez, look at me! I need to change my clothes and fix myself up."

"Ana, you look fine baby. You're beautiful. Don't you know that?" I say willing her to understand.

"Oh Noah, you're just saying that because you are a wonderful boyfriend and that's what you're suppose to say to me." Ana says as she kisses my nose.

"Ana," I grab her hands and make her stop to look at me. "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You are amazing just the way you are. Please believe it, please believe me baby."

**APOV**

He tells me every day, not a day goes by that Noah doesn't say 'I love you' or that I look beautiful but today is different. The way he said it, he's pleading for me to understand how beautiful I really am. He's wonderful!

Noah and I arrive at the party together holding hands. That's right bitches, he's mine so you all better recognize! I notice some of the girl's faces fall when they see us together. I'm sure more than one of them was ready to get their claws in my man. Sorry, not gonna happen!

I notice one the girls approaching Noah and myself.

Wow! She's absolutely stunning! She reminds me of my two of my best friends from middle school. Lynn and Erika with a dash of Rihanna and Naomi Campbell with out the anger issues I hope!

"Hi, my name's Carolyn. You must be Noah and you must be Ana." She says as she extends her hand.

"It's nice to meet you," Noah says as he shakes her hand and then he nudges me as my jaw is agape.

"Oh yes, it's nice to meet you." I say as I shut my mouth. "Forgive me for staring but you are...beautiful and very exotic looking."

Carolyn smiles and says, "Thank you, I've never been greeted like that before. Welcome to Harvard and welcome to the team."

It's then that I recognize her voice, she's the nice voice from the pack of mean girls.

"Thanks for the nice welcome Carolyn." I say as I smile and notice the other girls are scowling.

"Yes, thanks Carolyn. If you'll excuse us please? Ana, let's sit over here." Noah says as he guides me to a table with a large cake and before I know it, the entire team breaks out in an out of tune version of 'Happy Birthday.'

I look at Noah and I smile, he whispers in my ear, "To new beginnings. We will now start celebrating again, celebrating life, celebrating us and celebrating my love's birthday. I love you Ana, always."

**A/N**

**An erg is a rowing machine that can keep track/pace of your stroke rate.**

**Carolyn is named after my lovely reviewer Fluffy Empress Carofenn! **

**Coach Bowness is named after the beautiful Missreadingfool who is a reviewer and author as well. Check out her story Fifty Shades of Sisterhood on this FF website and my personal fave of hers is "Submit To Ana" which is deemed "too hot" for this website, which means it's REALLY good!**

**A shout out to my girls S Lynn and Erika!**

**Guest reviewer Tik, did you see yourself in my story? :D**

**I hope you enjoyed seeing your names my lovelies!**

**Guest 2/28/13 . chapter 5 **

**Jasper, Jack, James, Bree are from Twilight! -_-; but i love your stories/**

**^^Guest Reviewer, I seriously had no clue about the names! Ha! Ha! :D**

**Ana's birthday celebration will continue in my next update and guess who is there watching it all play out?**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Rosie :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**CPOV**

Sometimes The Grey Name and Grey money come in handy. Of course the fact that Carrick and Grace donated all the funding to build and furnish Grey's Hall helps as well! It got me all the information that I needed on my little Firecracker. She's a young thing, just turned seventeen years old today.

Is she too young for me? I'm nineteen going on "stay the fuck away from me if you know what's best for you!" She's extremely bright, which is why she started here at Harvard one year early, like Noah...her boyfriend, both Noah's and Ana's parents were killed in an auto accident. I feel sad for Ana and Noah as well, losing their parents like that. The crack whore creeps into my thoughts and I quickly push them out.

I sit in the back of the room in a low lit area where I will not be disturbed, but I can still see everything that is going on around me.

The Golden Boy arrives holding hands with the little Firecracker and I am consumed with a strange feeling. I can't explain it. Am I jealous of the Golden Boy? Is that possible? Do I care about the Firecracker? What the fuck is happening to me?!

Suddenly the entire room breaks out in song, they're singing 'Happy Birthday' to the Firecracker. She's blushing and she's fucking adorable.

Whoa what? Did I just say the word 'adorable?' Christ I sound like a love-sick puppy or something! This is ridiculous!

Oh fucking brother, they're going to start the fucking karaoke now. I'm getting the hell out of here before I scream from sheer boredom!

"Everyone? May I have your attention please?" The Golden Boy announces as he takes center stage.

Fuck this! I head for the back exit so I'm not spotted.

"Today is Ana's birthday and..."

I stop dead in my tracks. What the fuck is he going to do? I'm curious, I have to see this.

"I would like for Ana to start this year with a clean slate, starting with her seventeenth birthday. Ana, I love you and this song is for you." Noah looks to the karaoke guy, clears his throat, then the music plays.

I look to Little Miss Firecracker. Her beautiful blue eyes are alight, she has a perfect smile, showing all the love that she has to give and for the first time in my pathetic life, I find myself wanting and craving another woman's love. I find myself wishing that I was on the receiving end of her gaze showing nothing but love and admiration. That lucky bastard. I hate him!

What fucking song is this? He can't sing for shit! It's that Bruno kid. He's singing something about loving her just the way she is! Nice song fucker! Well played, that is until his voice starts cracking! Ha! This is great! The joke will be on him! The fucker can't carry a tune!

Wait! What the fuck is happening? The entire team is cheering him on and The Firecracker is still smiling at him! Can't you hear him? He sucks! I don't get it?

Is this what you do for the one you love? Are you so blinded by love that you do not realize that the fucker can't sing? They must all be deaf! What the fuck is wrong with these people?!

"I love you Ana." Noah says as she slowly walks up to him...tears in her eyes. Fuck! She does love him! I feel a sharp pain in my chest. What the fuck? Am I having heart attack?

The entire teams erupts in applause and cheers. I'm fucking out of here!

**APOV **

Oh my God. I cannot believe that Noah, my Noah is doing this! I know this song, it's Bruno Mars singing "Just The Way You Are."

Oh, her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shinin'  
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin'  
She's so beautiful  
And I tell her everyday

Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her, she won't believe me  
And it's so, it's so sad to think that she don't see what I see  
But every time she asks me do I look okay?  
I say

When I see your face  
There's not a thing that I would change  
'Cause you're amazing  
Just the way you are

And when you smile  
The whole world stops and stares for awhile  
'Cause girl, you're amazing  
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she'd let me  
Her laugh her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy  
She's so beautiful  
And I tell her everyday

Oh, you know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change  
If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same  
So don't even bother asking if you look okay  
You know I'll say

When I see your face  
There's not a thing that I would change  
'Cause you're amazing  
Just the way you are

And when you smile  
The whole world stops and stares for awhile  
'Cause girl, you're amazing  
Just the way you are

The way you are  
The way you are  
Girl, you're amazing  
Just the way you are

After Noah's performance is over he says, "I love you Ana."

I walk up to him with tears streaming down my face and I say, "I love you Noah."

He takes my hand and we slow dance. It's the perfect ending to a perfect birthday thanks to my wonderful boyfriend who I love so very much.

**CPOV**

"Hey bartender, hit me again!" I say as I motion for another drink. I need to get numb. I need to rid myself of this feeling of...of...Fuck! I don't know what the fuck I'm feeling. I only know I need to get that little Firecracker out of my head!

My phone vibrates and I see that my 'date' is here. I've been a regular customer of Esclava's since I've been at Harvard. Esclava's a very high-class 'escort' service which is just a fancy way of saying that I pay for hookers, yes I pay to fuck. No strings attached, no heartache and no drama. I learned my lesson after fucking Bree. She didn't understand why I wouldn't let her touch me but she wanted to fuck me in the worst way so she let me tie her up. No more dealing with that shit.

I go upstairs and meet my fuck partner in the hotel room that I have pre-paid for during the school year. I have my own place off campus but I don't like to fuck there, you have to play it safe in case you get a hooker who goes "fatal attraction" on your ass. When I'm rich I'm going to have some sort of clause that my fuck partners will have to sign so they know what they are getting into when I fuck them.

**APOV**

_"No, please. I'm sorry, I'm sorry...Mommy, Daddy...NO! NO! NO!"_

"Ana, Ana. Wake up hon. You're ok, come on now. It's just a dream." Holly says as she gently brings me out of my nightmare.

"Oh Holly, I'm so sorry. I forgot to warn you that I get...nightmares." I say as I wipe the tears from my eyes.

"I know Ana, tonight wasn't the first one that I've heard." Holly says as she hands me a glass of water.

"Thanks," I say as I take a drink. " Sorry, I hope I haven't been too much of a bother with my nightmares. I...well, Noah and I both lost our parents and...and..." The tears start falling again.

"Hey, hey...you don't have to tell me anything ok? If you want to talk about it, I'm here but if not, I understand ok?" She hugs me and says, "Go back to sleep now. We have an early morning practice."

"Ok and Holly?"

"Yes?" She says before she turns out the light.

I smile and say, "Thanks."

She smiles and turns out the light.

*****Weld Boathouse*****

**Charles River**

**APOV**

I get to the Charles early because I like to see Noah warm up. The mean girls are there as well, perhaps they have the same thing on their minds. Hmmmmmm...

"Hi Ana!" Carolyn says as she approaches me.

"Hey Carolyn how are you?" I ask.

"Great, the team and I came to check out the fellas. They are sure looking good aren't they?" She says with ardor.

"I wouldn't know." I say as I see Noah row by on a single. "I only have eyes for my boyfriend."

"Hi baby!" Noah says as he passes by.

I smile and wave, "Isn't he gorgeous?"

"Oh yes, he really is." Carolyn says with a little too much fervor. I think she realizes how she sounded because she quickly recovers and says, "Well, I'm going to check out the talent with the girls. Care to join us?"

"No thanks, I actually have to get ready to cox so you'll see me floating by. Wish me luck. There are six other coxswains out there and they have more experience than I do." I say nervously.

"You'll do fine Ana, just relax and show'em what you got!"

Since Noah and I are new to the team, we've had to keep quiet about making our positions. I've already been told that I'm going to cox the lead 8-boat and Noah's already made stroke seat. This needs to be kept quiet until the coaches figure out who would work best with Noah as stroke seat and with myself as the cox.

Carolyn walks, actually she 'struts' back to the viewing area with the girl's team. She's confident...but in a quiet kind of way. She may have eyes for Noah but I cannot help but like her. She's the only one aside from Holly who has been nice to me. I thought the coxswains would be kind to me but since I am their competition, they ignore me. Hell, they're not even nice to each other!

I sigh and wonder quietly if I really do belong here. I quickly kick those thoughts out of my mind and join the boys.

"Ana!" Noah shouts as he gets out of the boat. "How did I do? Am I ready?" He asks as he hugs me.

"You're ready Noah, just remember, your feathering technique. Don't over think it, just do it! Remember to make your strokes sharper and quicker and you'll be fine."

"Thanks baby!" Noah says as they prepare to seat race.

**CPOV**

The Golden Boy is looking good out there, he has a solid form and technique. He shouldn't have any problem making one of the top seats. Hell, that fucker can probably make the stroke seat if he puts his mind to it.

I was planning on watching from a distance but I don't give a fuck. I may as well check out the action up close.

"Hey Christian!" One the crew members yells out. "You thinking of trying out?"

"Not on your fucking life! I just came to see if I have any competition." I say casually trying not to look at all interested. The irony of that statement is not lost on me. Fucking Golden Boy!

Ah, there's the little Firecracker. She turns as she hears me approaching.

"Hello Christian." She says as she smiles.

Damn, the little Firecracker is so beautiful.

"Hello Firecracker, how are you?" I ask as I give her my best smile. I think I hear her gasp. Do I affect her?

"I...uh...I'm fine thanks. You?" She asks as she looks away. No doubt, she's looking for the Golden Boy.

"Not so good. I didn't get much sleep last night." I say surprised that I actually am sharing that information with her.

"Really? Neither did I." She says and she looks surprised that she shared this information with me. Hmmmmmm...

"Why didn't you sleep well Christian?" She asks as she looks up at me with her brow furrowed. There's a little "V" that appears on her forehead. Oh how I would love to kiss it.

_Fuck Grey! What's wrong with you? You don't kiss foreheads! You like to eat pu..._

"Christian? Did you hear me?" The Firecracker asks.

Shit! I that's what I get for having my mind in the gutter, though I prefer to think of myself as more of a **skin savant**. It sounds...classier.

"What was that?" I ask

"Why didn't you sleep well Christian?" She asks again.

What should I say? That I constantly dream of my birth mother the crack whore? That I blame myself for her death? Or better yet, should I tell her that I couldn't cum last night with my fuck partner because all I kept thinking about was you?

I go with, "I just don't sleep well, that's all."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I'm going to head out closer to the dock. It appears as though the girl's team is helping to cheer on the boys and I don't want to miss Noah's time. See ya!" She says as she walks away.

I feel sad, I want her to stay with me. "I'll join you." I blurt out before I can stop myself.

She turns and smiles, "Ok." She says as she runs without looking forward and shouts, "Hurry up. I don't want to miss anything!"

Some of the girls are heading back from their practice. They've got their hands full carrying oars back from the dock.

I see Bree talking and laughing with Carolyn and Mallory. It happens in slow motion, right before my eyes.

Bree turns quickly, my little Firecracker doesn't see her and she gets hit hard by the oar and she falls in water.

"Ana!" I shout as I run towards her and jump in the water. I don't hear a thing, I only hear my heart racing as I try to get to Ana.

By the time I jump in the water my senses have returned. I hear someone shout, "Ana, relax! Don't panic!"

I hear Ana saying, "No, no, let me go! I'm sorry! Mom, Dad, I'm so very sorry!"

Mallory shouts out, "She's taking Carolyn down with her!"

"Someone help!"

I reach for Carolyn and push her towards the dock. Mallory helps her up and I hear Holly shouting, "Christian, she's panicking! Be careful!"

I reach for Ana and I'm shocked at how strong she is. She tries to stay above water by pushing me down. I was not expecting that as I go under. I swallow and choke on some water. I get my bearings, float to the top and hold the Firecracker from behind.

Ana's arms are flailing.

"Easy Ana, it's ok." I say as I attempt to regulate her breathing by holding her tight against me, her back to my front. Her body is rigid and I can hear her whimpering.

I squeeze a little harder, "Easy, easy..." I say softly.

Her arms stop flailing. "That's right little Firecracker. Just breathe."

I feel her body start to relax, "There you go, you're fine sweetheart. No one is going to hurt you. You're safe with me."

I feel and hear Ana attempt to suppress a sob. Poor kid, I wonder what brought this panic attack on?

"Listen sweetheart, I'm going to turn you around so you can face me ok?" I make to move my arms and she tenses up.

"No, don't let me go. Please." She begs me.

My fucking heart is splintering listening to my little Firecracker. I've not heard her voice sounding so...broken, so frightened.

"I won't baby. I'm just going to have you face me ok? Can we do that sweetheart? You'll be strong won't you. You won't panic."

"Yes, I'll be strong." She says in a timid voice which does nothing to convince me.

Perhaps she's in shock.

I turn her around slowly and there we are, face to face. Her arms wrapped around my neck, my arms around her waist. There's that pull, that feeling that draws me to her. It's like we are both under one another's spell. I bring her closer against my body. I want to feel her. I want to be inside her. She's a siren and I...

"Ana! Oh my God! Ana baby! Are you alright?" The Golden Boy shouts.

Great timing fucker!

"Noah!" Ana shouts breaking us out of our trance as she turns to face her fucking boyfriend. "Noah, help me up."

Noah quickly reaches for Ana and she starts to cry as she hugs him.

"Oh baby, I saw what happened and I got here as fast as I could." The fucker says as he kisses her all over.

The fucker turns to me and says, "Hey thanks a lot buddy, I'm Noah, Noah Shepherd."

Fuck!

Now I have to be human which is difficult since my cock is rock solid. I stay in the water to keep my dick under wraps so to speak.

"Grey," I say as I extend my hand. "Christian Grey."

"Thanks again Grey, please join us tonight. I'm taking my girlfriend out to dinner and I'd really like to thank you again. I'll even buy the drinks." The fucker says with a lightening white perfect teeth smile.

"Thanks but I'm not sure I can make it." I say back to him.

"Well, please try. It's the least I can do, since you saved me girl." He says as he kisses the Firecracker once more.

"I'm sorry Noah, I...I panicked." She says as she squeezes him tight.

I stay in the water like some sort of dumb ass love-sick fool waiting for Ana to throw me a bone.

Hello?! I saved you! Remember me?! The dumb shit that is still in the water? The one that's trying to hide his massive cock that is aching for you!

"It's ok baby. We'll come back tonight and figure this out ok? Just you and me." He says as he kisses her hard on the lips.

Ana kisses him in return and now it's me that wants to go under the water.

"Oh Noah, I love you so much!" She says as she runs her fingers through his hair.

"Here Ana, I brought you a towel." Bree says as she wraps Ana in the huge towel.

"Thanks Bree." Ana says as they walk away.

She loves him, she fucking loves him. The worst part of it is, he seems like a decent guy.

Shit! I need to do some digging. Perhaps he's a serial killer or something? If he turns out to be the real deal I am fucked!

Fuck me! Fuck my life! I think to myself as I go under water for a bit.

When I float back up to the surface of the water, I'm surprised to see Ana standing there. She is smiling a most beautiful smile at me, she gets on her knees and says, "Christian, I forgot to say 'thank you' to you."

She kisses my cheek and I hear her gasp. She felt it! I know she did! Her eyes go wide and she jumps up quickly and runs back to Noah. He's smiling at her as he extends his hand. She quickly takes it and he brings her in and wraps his arm around her waist.

**APOV**

I run back to my boyfriend and I feel safe in his arms. I kiss him full on the lips and I am grateful that I am ok. I'm not sure what would have happened if Christian wasn't there to help me.

"Ana, we'll come back tonight. We will get through this together baby." Noah says as he holds me in his arms.

"I'm scared Noah, I'm not sure I can do this." I say as I feel myself tremble.

"I believe in you Ana, you can do this. I will be there to help you. You will swim again!"

I'm not sure I can, since our parent's passing I've had a fear of the water. I've always been an excellent swimmer but now that I'm rowing here at Harvard it's a must that I conquer this fear.

Noah is right, I need to do this once and for all!

**CPOV**

I wonder that Noah meant when he said that he and Ana will figure this out tonight? Could this be the reason why she had her little panic attack? I may have to return and investigate for myself.

**A/N**

**Have any of you read Darkness and White? If not, your missing out. It's a great story, unlike any of the FSOG stories that are out there. Give it a shot. I'm sorry if I'm nagging about this story but I just really love it and it makes me sad that this story doesn't get the recognition that I think it deserves. Ok, I'll shut up now!**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie**


	8. Chapter 8

**To the guest reviewer inquiring about Darkness and White. It's an original Fan Fiction story by an author who goes under the name of PerhapsPerhapsPerhaps. It is a riveting story unlike any other that is out there. Thanks so much to those of you who have mentioned that you are reading and following Darkness and White as well. I hope the rest of you do check it out and I really hope you enjoy it as much as I do! **

**WARNING! ADULT SEXUAL CONTENT!**

*****Weld Boathouse*****

**NPOV**

My poor sweet Ana is so nervous. I know this won't be easy for her to have to face her fear but she must do this, it's for her own good. I'm hoping this will not only help her with feeling more confident when she's out in the water but perhaps it will also help to ease or make her nightmares dissipate once and for all.

My heart breaks when I think of the many nights I ran to Ana's room to find her screaming and crying, yelling, "I'm sorry," over and over again.

I always manage to calm her down after her nightmares. When I ask why she's apologizing in her dreams, she stiffens up and starts to cry again so I drop the subject.

I walk hand in hand with Ana trying to dispel her fears of going back in the water. I squeeze her hand and she stops walking. I face her and say, "You're not getting out of this Ana. It must be done."

She gives me an adorable smile with her big blue eyes. Damn, my girl is so good at distracting me but it won't happen this time.

"Noah, isn't there something else you would prefer to be doing with me at the moment?" She asks as she runs her fingers through my hair. I lean into her touch and moan as she reaches up to kiss me.

I lean into her kiss and those soft beautiful lips make me weak for the rest of her touch. Yes, I must have her...now!

_No dummy! You're supposed to get her back in the water. Quit thinking with the little head down there and use your brain!_

I snap out of the spell that Ana has me under and say, "We'll have fun later Ana, right now you need to swim. Let's go!"

**APOV**

Well, so much for distracting Noah with sex. I really don't want to get into the water. I've not felt safe going in water since my parents passing. I have an eerie feeling that I'm going to die in a body of water and I can't shake it.

Noah is right, I do need to face this fear of mine. I'm being ridiculous and I know it but I still don't want to do this!

Noah strips down to his swim trunks, his body is perfect. It's a beautiful night lit up by the full moon. He dives in the water and says, "Come on in Ana, the water is perfect."

I shake my head.

"Well then," Noah says, "Just sit at the edge of the dock and dangle your feet until you're ready."

I do what Noah says but first, I take off my tank top and jeans shorts. I'm wearing a bikini underneath. I sit at the edge of the dock and dip my feet in the water. As soon as I do, my breathing becomes labored, it's like I feel something pulling at my feet. It wants to drag me down deep into the water, it wants me. I am being sacrificed for my sins against my parents and against Noah's parents. It should have been me, I'm the one that should be dead!

I'm starting to have trouble breathing and I can see Noah swimming towards me.

"Ana," Noah says softly. "I love you, know you that right?"

I nod.

"I won't let anything happen to you. You know that right?"

I nod again.

"It's ok." He says as he extends his hand. "Come in Ana, you can do this. I believe in you. You are a strong person."

I shake my head and the tears begin to fall.

"I'm not strong! I'm weak and I'm a coward!" I shout.

Noah shouts back, "Bullshit! I do not have a weak girlfriend! We've been through hell and back and you make me happy! Only a strong person could make me feel that way! We were dealt a shit hand but somehow, someway, we managed to put the pieces together and make a life for ourselves! I wake up everyday happy knowing that you are my girlfriend Ana. My beautiful strong girlfriend."

"You're wrong about me Noah! All wrong!" I shout back.

"No I'm not! You are the strongest person I know Ana! Now jump in this water right now dammit!" Noah shouts in a tone I've not heard from him...ever.

I sit at the edge of the dock, debating, debating, debating...

"Dammit Ana, don't make me come and get you!" Noah shouts again as he's about jump back on the dock.

Before I have a moment to think about what I'm doing, I'm in the water and I try to relax. I'm treading the water in front of Noah and I feel...strange. I'm still scared but at least I don't feel that 'pulling' sensation. The feeling that I'm wearing cement shoes that are dragging me down.

"See Ana, your fine. You can do this." Noah says as he smiles at me.

"Thank you for making me do this Noah. I love you, I love you so much." I say as I tread closer to Noah and wrap my arms around his neck and he wraps his arms around my waist.

"Oh Ana, I love you...I will always love you Stay."

I smile back and kiss him under the moonlight. "You called me Stay."

He smiles and kisses me, his lips feel so good. This feels so good, this feels so right. This feels...

I'm sinking, someone or something has a hold of my feet and my legs. I'm being pulled under!

"Ana, what's..."

I grab Noah and hold on for dear life!

I feel myself dragging Noah down, I'm drowning him in my panic.

"Ana, stop it! Relax!" He shouts.

"I'm going under! They're taking me!" I feel myself sink and I hear Noah yell "Fuck!"

I feel his strong arms pull above the surface and he effortlessly lifts me up and out of the water.

"Reach for the dock Ana, pull yourself up." He says as he pushes me up on my bottom.

Did he just squeeze my butt? I'm back on the dock catching my breath.

"I'm ok now Noah. Thank you." I say as I catch my breath and Noah jumps on the dock.

He grabs the huge beach towels and wraps them around us.

"Jesus Ana, you had a full-blown panic attack."

"I know...it's awful. How I'm I going to do this Noah? I don't know how..."

"Shhh, it's ok. You're ok Ana, just take a moment to relax."

Noah coos and says, "You're fine Ana, you're safe, you're ok now. Just breathe."

Noah is wonderful, I love him so much. We lie down on our backs and face up looking at the moon and stars.

"I love you Ana." Noah says as he rubs my thighs. He sits up and leans down to kiss me.

Would he still love me if he knew about what happened that night?

I'm called back from that horrible memory as Noah says to me, "Come on, let's go to the boathouse." He stands and takes my hand.

"And what would you like to do there my handsome boyfriend?" I ask as I kiss him once again. Oh yes, I want him, I need him inside me.

"Whatever your heart desires Ana."

And with those words we run like kids chasing that ice-cream truck again, knowing we are in for a special 'treat' that we both crave.

**CPOV**

I am one sick mother fucker. I feel like a stalker, hiding out like this trying to see what the Firecracker is up to with Shepherd.

Based on what happened earlier today, I'm guessing the Firecracker has some sort of fear of the water. If that in fact is the case, why in the hell did she end up rowing?

Shepherd jumps in the water and says something to the Firecracker.

The Firecracker starts to strip off of her clothes, hmmmm...very nice baby. Please be naked under that clothes. Please give me a little show Miss Firecracker.

Shit, she's wearing a bikini. A very small pink bikini that leaves very little to the imagination!

I can't believe that fucker allows her to wear that item of clothing, if you can call it that. If she were mine, she'd never get past the front door wearing those four tiny triangles that are strategically placed in those four areas that my mouth and dick would love to visit. Yes, I could make all those sweet areas my home. Home sweet fucking home! Hell yeah!

I take her all in. She's a Goddess, her skin is milky white and I'm sure her skin is soft to the touch. She has legs for days and in that fucking string bikini she looks so ready for me to take her.

My cock twitches and I feel myself getting hard.

How in the fuck can she affect me like this? Christ, this is so frustrating!

I hear them exchange words, they're shouting at one another and then the Firecracker jumps in the water.

I walk a little bit closer to get a better view. The Firecracker looks nervous but she manages a meek smile.

They exchange a few more words and they kiss. Fuck this shit!

As I turn to walk away I hear the Firecracker scream, she's having another panic attack. I run towards them to help but Shepherd is able to lift her back up on the dock and I notice the fucker squeezes her ass as he lifts her up. Lucky bastard! I'd love to get my hands all over her delectable delicious bottom!

They're heading back towards the boathouse, I think I'll see what they're up to.

**NPOV**

We run to the boathouse and try to catch our breath. I feel guilty, perhaps I pushed Ana too hard. She was doing good in the water, then that look came across her face and I knew I only had a second to steel myself because she was going to panic. I didn't have enough time and she pushed me under. It's a good thing that I'm not only strong but I'm also a very strong swimmer. I pulled myself up then I had to reach for Ana as she sunk in the water. It was like she was wearing weights on her ankles or something...like something was actually pulling her under. Strange.

We'll need to put that moment behind us and replace it with the memory of us making love under the moonlight once again.

I'm happy that Ana has become more comfortable with her body. She won't give me a full on strip tease in the light of day, but by moonlight, she turns, she changes...and whatever the moonlight does to her, I love!

It's as though the moonlight makes her free, it makes her lose her inhibitions with me. I wish she was like that every night but for whatever reason it only happens under the moonlight.

"Let's do it under the moonlight Noah. You know how I love to do it like that." She says as she pulls me next to her.

"Oh yes, I am very familiar with how you like it Ana. Now lie down so I can make love to you."

**CPOV**

Holy shit, they're going to fuck under the moonlight! I didn't think the little Firecracker had it in her to be such an exhibitionist! Oh this I've got see!

_Grey, you really are one sick mother fucker aren't you?_

I ignore the fucked up voice in my head and watch in fascination.

The fucker lays the Firecracker down gently on the make shift futon and he hovers over her. She looks beautiful in her tiny pink bikini and as the fucker lies on top of her I can see her creamy white breasts pressed against the fucker's chest, her breasts slightly spilling to her side.

How I would love to take one of her delicate nipples and place it in my mouth, I would lightly nip at the tip and gently suckle on it.

My cock is rock solid and making a full fucking salute and I can tell my balls are bluer than the blue because I'm in pain for lack of a release. I haven't been able to get off with another woman since I pulled Ana from the water.

It's just been me and my fucking hand, speaking of which, I just now realize that my hand is in my shorts and I'm stroking myself as I watch them.

Her touch appears to be soft and magical. Who would have thought that I would associate the word 'touch' with soft and magical. That's what the little Firecracker does to me. I fucking crave her touch and for the life of me, I cannot understand why!

The fucker pulls at Ana's strings of her bikini bottoms and then he pulls the string of her top as well. Ana is completely naked and it's taking everything ounce of will power to contain myself. I want to grab that mother fucker and pull him off of her. I don't know why but I feel as though she is mine! She belongs to me dammit!

I look down at my cock and find that I'm stroking myself harder and faster. I'm being fast, hard and rough. That's they way I like it. I don't make love, I fuck...hard!

I look back to the Fucker and the Firecracker and I watch as he positions himself above her. Oh fucking hell, I can see her pussy is glistening with excitement. She wants him and she's ready for him to take her.

Why can't that be me? I should be the one that takes her, I can show her what her beautiful body is capable of, I can make her scream aloud with passion, I can make her come so hard she would pass out from the ecstasy that I could give her with one fell swoop! Ok, with several swoops but still, I could do so many wonderful things to her beautiful body. I wonder what she could do to me? Could she make me feel as good as I know I can make her feel? Fuck yeah! I know she can!

The fucker takes off his swim trunks and I can see his dick is hard. I look down at myself and smile. Yeah, my cock has the edge over that fucker. He is big, but not as big as me.

Wait, what the fuck am I doing? Why the fuck am I looking at his dick? Oh this is beyond crazy! I need help!

_Well no shit Sherlock! Look at you! Stalking the Firecracker and watching them go at it! Why don't you just rent a porno?_

I ignore the fucked up voice in my head and continue to watch in amazement. The fucker eases himself inside of her and the Firecracker lifts her back. He continues to ease gently in and out while she gently lifts her hips to meet his soft thrusts.

This is strange, yet I find it oddly beautiful. Is this what it means to make love? To be this gentle?

Fuck! I can't even be gentle with myself! I'm so rough on my cock that I nearly sprained my wrist while trying to jack off the night Sarah couldn't get me to cum!

Who the fuck needs Sarah? Not me!

My hand stroking my cock feels just fine. I'm so good I fucking turn myself on! Yeah, you know how you like it you sick fuck! I squeeze my cock harder and continue the violent assault against myself.

I'm grunting and groaning and I can feel myself building up, it feels so fucking good. I'm so good at this shit that I should call out my own name when I fucking cum!

Shit! I better not yell or else I will freak out the fucker and Ana who are going at it like fucking rabbits!

I keep stroking myself, fuck yeah! Harder and harder! Shit, this feels good! The only way this could be better is if the Firecracker were here with me instead of with that fucker.

I feel myself building up and I let go as I squirt all over myself. Oh yeah...It felt good to finally come, but at what cost? I'm pathetic.

I sigh and close my eyes, I take a deep breath and quietly say, "Ana..."

I can't watch them anymore. I don't want to see the Firecracker come with him. I'd rather it be me looking into those beautiful baby blues while I watch her come with me.

I've come to the realization that I want the Firecracker. I can no longer deny it, I want her and I will do whatever it takes to make her mine.

**A/N**

**I think Christian may soon start showing a shade or two of his crazy Fifty Shades! **

**Throw me a bone and let me know what you think of this chapter.**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Rosie :D**


	9. Chapter 9

**CPOV**

I stretch out in my bed, wearing only my boxer shorts. I have my eyes covered as I cannot get the images of Anastasia out of my head. She's my beautiful little Firecracker and I must figure out a way to claim her as my own.

Fuck!

How in the hell did this happen to me? When did I start to have 'feelings' for her? Is there anything I can do to stop this?

It's fucking bad enough that she drives me insane when I'm near her, now I'm fucking dreaming about her. She's laying on top of my naked body and fuck if it isn't the best feeling in the world. It feels so damn real! I can't escape my little Firecracker, nor do I wish to!

*****One Week Laters Baby*****

I jump out of bed with a new-found determination. I will take what is rightfully mine. Somehow I know that Anastasia and I are meant to be together and I will stop at nothing to make her see that she and I are meant to be.

The first thing I have to do is get closer to her and the obvious way to do that is by trying out for the 8-boat. As if I, Christian Grey need to 'try out' for anything. Once I put my mind to it, I can do anything I fucking want!

I see Coach Bowness heading towards her office and I rush to speak to her while she continues her fast pace.

"Hi Coach," I say as I keep up with her long strides. "I was wondering if I could speak to you for a moment, if you have the time?" I ask in my most polite and humble voice.

"What's this about Grey?" Coach asks without stopping.

"I wanted to try out for the 8-boat." I say and Coach stops dead in her tracks.

She looks at me and says, "My office, now!"

I sit across from Coach's desk and she gazes at me with a studios look, she's questioning my motives. I can tell.

"So tell me Christian, why do you want to join the 8-boat? What made you change your mind about joining or rather trying out for the 8-boat?" She asks knowing full well what I'm up to.

You can't pull one over on Coach. She's not to be trifled with.

"Well, I think it would be good for me." I say trying to convince Coach that my motives are innocent.

Coach crosses her arms and says, "This is not a given you know? You quit this team and you chose to row in a single. You left us without a stroke seat. How can I be sure you won't pull that crap again Grey? I am responsible for this team and every member of the team. I need team-players, not a diva!"

"You have my word Coach." I say looking her straight in the eye, shoulders square. I will not be turned down. I will try out and make the 8-boat.

"I see," She says as a sly smile spreads across her pretty face. "Which one of my girls are you going after? Who is it Grey? Carolyn? Holly? Mallory? Please don't say Bree, that girl is nothing but trouble. Even for you!"

I'm about to speak when she stops me.

"Never mind, I'm sure I don't want to know. The only thing I will say is this. If you try out and if you make the team, I expect 110 percent from you and that's in rowing, not in screwing all the girls on the team! Are we clear?" She states as she stands letting me know that my time with her is up.

"Yes Coach, crystal clear." I say as I smile and shake her hand.

Well, operation light my up my Firecracker is well on its way!

Any person that attempts to obstruct me from my goal, which in this case is laying my claim on the Firecracker will rue the day they were born!

*****Charles River*****

**APOV**

"Ok everyone, let's get lined up!" Team Captain Tik yells out. "Check out the board to see what boat you're assigned to today and let's welcome Christian back to the team as well."

I turn to see Christian wearing a uni and oh Sweet Mother of God, the man looks incredible! He's rocking his uni and I cannot help but gaze down at his 'package'...the man is obviously blessed. He's wearing a long sleeve compression shirt under his uni but you can see very well just how defined and sculpted his upper body is.

I look to the assignment board and I notice that Noah and I are on the same boat and of course Noah is stroke! I cannot help but beam at him as we take our positions.

There are two other 8-boats that we will be racing against. I believe that Coach Bowness is trying to figure out who will be the lead 8-boat and who will be the number two 8-boat, the remaining team will be parlayed to doubles, quads and a few singles. I'm a little nervous but Noah reaches over and squeezes my knee.

"Relax Ana, we got this." He says as he grabs his oar.

"Ok team, ready positions." I say as I hear my heartbeat.

I'm suddenly nervous as I take a peek across from me and see Christian in the 8-boat with Stacie as his cox. We wait for the whistle and we're off!

Stacie's boat takes the lead over us but we know what we're doing, we have our strategy. We keep our strokes far below their pace and I can see that they are going all out. I remain calm and pick up the stroke rate once we reach the halfway point.

We are going steady with a power 10 stroke rate and I notice we are catching up to them as one of their rowers ***caught a crab**. I decide to make the winning move and call out to a power 20 stroke rate. We catch up to them but then I notice their rower that** *caught the crab** jumps out of the boat, therefore making their boat lighter which is what they needed since the lost an oar.

We are racing head to head, I can feel them right next to us and I can hear Stacie's calls. I focus and keep calm while Noah manages a great stroke rate for the team to follow. We reach the finish line and my team falls back in exhaustion. I notice team captain Tik, Jamini and Wattle lean over the boat and vomit. My poor team, they gave it their all and from the looks of the 8-boat that Stacie was coxing, the must have won.

Their team is just as exhausted but I can hear their cheers of delight and I notice the crew lifting Stacie up and throwing her in the water for their victory show.

Shit! I completely forgot about that! My team would have thrown me in the water had we won! How would I have handled that! I look at their team and they are as happy as can be. I catch Christian staring at me, he looks concerned but I look away and go back to my team.

"Hey guys, we gave it our all and remember this was just a practice. Nothing is set in stone. You all did great." I say as they all try to catch their breath. Rowing is a wonderful sport but when you race, you give it your all. You row so hard and so fast that at times you think you're going to pass out.

Rowing is not a sport to be taken lightly and neither is a loss, even if it is just a practice.

I approach Noah. He's laying down on the dock face up and I can tell he is upset. He really should be because we had no business losing that race, especially since their team was short one rower.

Noah knows that just as well as I do, but I won't say that to the team. No need to kick them when they're down. I mean we did just get our asses handed to us.

"Dammit Ana, that was awful!" Noah shouts.

"I know Noah, but keep your voice down. We don't want to bring the team down. We just need more practice, that's all." I say as I sit next to him while he's still trying to catch his breath.

"Did you see Christian at stroke seat? He was amazing, I saw him out of the corner of my eye. He can really keep the team in unison." Noah says.

"He hangs at the catch and he over thinks things. You're the number one stroke Noah, don't let him get in your head." I say as I give him a kiss.

Coach Bowness comes to the dock and says, "Well done everyone! Very well done everyone! We've done some evaluating and we are going to mix things up a bit. Before you leave practice today, check out the board and see what your assignment will be for tomorrow. That's it for today. Get the boats ready for tomorrow and set up the equipment for an early practice."

Everyone rushes to see what changes have been made but I stay with Noah and make sure he's ok. Noah will occasionally throw up after a race. It's a common thing that happens in rowing, the first time I saw him vomit I was completely freaked out. Now, it's just business as usual.

"Noah, are you ok? Can I get you anything?" I ask as I twirl my fingers in his hair.

"No baby, I'm fine. I think I'm just going to head back to the dorm and crash for a bit, I'm exhausted. They have ergs in the gym and I want to practice for a bit before the day is over."

"Ok," I say as I give him a kiss and with that I see him walk away, slightly dejected and it breaks my heart. He takes this competition so seriously, even though it's only practice.

I am so grateful that I have fairly good coxing skills because I have been able to improve Noah's rowing technique. He doesn't have the natural ability to row but he does have the passion. That combined with my ability to analyze where he needs improvement is what makes him the excellent rower he is today.

Team Captain Tik on the other hand, is a natural rower. Tik's skills are something that were already there, practice only enhances Tik's abilities. That's what makes the difference between a rower who practices hard to improve himself like Noah does or a natural rower like Tik whose skills come naturally and with practice makes Tik an elite rower.

I walk away lost in my thoughts and then I remember that I should check the board to see what changes have been made within the 8-boats.

I look for my name and I see the change in line ups. The first thing I notice is that Noah's name is not next to mine. The name I see, the person that will be in front of me in the stroke seat is Christian.

"So it looks like we'll be on the same boat for the next race." I'm started and jump to turn and see Christian standing right in front of me.

"It would appear so," I say calmly though I can hear my heart racing as I feel that pulling sensation when he is near me.

"Are you ok Firecracker? You look a little pale." He says as he edges closer to me.

"Yes, I'm uh...I'm fine. I'm just sort of nervous about the race tomorrow." I say quietly.

**CPOV**

"So you seem to believe that we will win the race tomorrow?" I say with a smirk.

"Well, I hope we do as I don't like to lose like I did today. You were great by the way." She says as her soft pouty bottom lip trembles.

"Thanks Firecracker, you guys did really well." I say even though we beat them hands down and we were still short one person!

"We did terrible but thanks for saying that." She says as she smiles at me and I get lost in her mesmerizing baby blues.

Does she feel it? Does she full the pulling sensation that is occurring between us. There is no denying it on my part but the Firecracker is so hard to read.

Frustrating little thing that she is, she's driving me insane and she doesn't even realize it!

Fuck!

She turns to walk away. I don't want her to leave me...ever.

"You're welcome Firecracker, I'll see you tomorrow?" I say hopefully like I'm asking a question in which I'm desperate for her reply to be in the positive.

She turns around before she leaves and says, "Try and stop me."

Her smile melts my almost non-existent cold heart.

My God Ana, what you do to me and you've not the slightest clue!

**A/N**

**Have I t****old you all how much I love and appreciate your reviews? Well I'm telling you now! I love you all and I thank you so much!**

**Thank you to my lovely missreadingfool who helped co-write her dialogue between herself as "Coach Angie Bowness" and Christian Grey. **

**Hey! Do you like hot looking cowboys? **

**Well, picture this...Christian in tight jeans, a tight form-fitting t-shirt, cowboy boots and the ****pièce de résistance...leather chaps! **

**If that sort of thing gets your 'juices flowing', well do I have a story for you! Try reading Secrets of the Heart » by Author BabyGurl2012. I've not seen a "Cowboy Christian" type story as of yet. Check it out!**

***Catching a crab is one of the worst, and most embarrassing, things that can happen while rowing. The term "catching crabs" refers to sticking an oar in the water and not being able to release it. When the oar fails to come out of the water, all of the forward momentum of the boat is focused on the offending oar, rigger, and oarsman behind it. If someone catches a crab, it looks as if the oar had hit a crab swimming in the water, stopping the oar dead in the water. Crabs are almost always devastating to the boat's speed and may even cause a small boat to flip.**

**I'm sorry so many of you are having a difficult time finding me on Facebook. I've updated my profile page here on the Fan Fiction Website and the link to my Facebook page is now on display. Just message me to let me know that you are a follower of either Meet At Graduation or Hanging At The Catch so I may accept your friend request.**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling! :D**

**Rosie **


	10. Chapter 10

**Ok primovere, irenebalazs and lovereads, you asked for me to "update soon" so here ya go, two updates in two days! No promises as to whether this can happen again. I just found a little bit of down time and 'whipped' this out. Pun intended! :D**

**APOV**

I've made up my mind! Tonight's the night I will overcome my fears! I will face them head on, on my own! I shouldn't have to rely on anyone's help!

A part of me knows I should have done this a long time ago but I'm a coward not willing to own up to the wrongs that I have done. The sins that I have committed against my parents, against Noah's parents! It wasn't their fault! They shouldn't be dead!

If I can get through this perhaps I can forgive myself, if only for a moment, to be free from the guilt that I constantly carry. It is my cross to bear. I am responsible and If I cannot get through this, if I go down in the water, never to return then my pain will be over once and for all! No more pain, no more guilt, no more nightmares!

I am not afraid and I have a new-found determination. I get dressed quickly in my bikini and cover up with shorts and a tank top. No one will be at the boathouse so I know I will not be disturbed. I know that Noah is probably resting or working out on an erg but I need to speak to him, he needs to know that I love him. That I will always love him, no matter what.

I call his cell phone and he answers on the second ring. He must have been sleeping as he just manages to grunt, "Hello...?"

"Hi baby! It's Ana." I say as I feel a knot in my throat.

"What's up baby? I was sleeping." He moans.

"I'll let you sleep Noah, I just wanted to say that I love you. I love you very much!" I feel the tears well up.

"I know Ana, love you too...m going to sleep...m tired."

I hear Holly walk in the room and she asks, "Hey Ana, you going for a swim?"

I cover the phone in the hopes that Noah didn't hear that remark and I quickly say to Noah, "Sleep well my beautiful boyfriend." I close the call.

"Yup," I say to Holly as I head out. "I'll see you later."

"Ok, have fun and you better win tomorrow! I can't wait to see the guys throw you in lake!" She giggles.

"Yeah, I can't either." I say as I close the door and march to the boathouse. It's now or never I think to myself.

I reach the boathouse and head towards the dock. I look at the water and I can already feel it calling out to me. There is a force pulling me to the water, it wants to claim me, to take what it should have taken that night, not my parents not Noah's parents but me!

An odd wave of peacefulness washes over me, I'm facing the demon and we both know what's going to happen. Fight or flight, which will it be. We shall soon find out.

I turn around quickly as I feel as though I am being watched. I scan the area, there is no one to be found. I'm just a bundle of nerves. I strip down to my bikini and sit at the edge of the dock. I tentatively dip my feet in the water and I do not feel that 'pulling down' sensation.

I decide that the moment is now, "Mommy and Daddy, I love you both so much. Nino Andrew and Nina Stephanie, I love you both so much. I'll see you soon or later...I'm not sure which but, here goes nothing!"

I take a deep breath and go in the water.

**CPOV**

I'm about the leave the boathouse after going out on a single like I do every night. I like to be alone and get lost in my thoughts. I row out as far as I can and just drift, it's peaceful and calming. Something that I didn't have in my early childhood.

_Christian, help mommy find her medicine. That's a good boy. _

I push the voice out of my head and I turn to see my Firecracker. I quickly hide so she cannot see me. She turns to scan the area. She obviously wants to be alone. What can she be up to at this hour?

She's wearing some cut off jean shorts and a tank top that caress her lovely and delicate curves. She looks down at the water and I see a look of fear over take her. She takes a deep breath and strips off her clothes and I feel my cock twitch.

Fuck!

I hope she's not meeting him here. I don't think I could take another show of them and their love-making. It's too much for me and my heart to bear. I want her like I've never wanted anything else before.

God, if you do exist, prove it to me. Let me have her, let this goddess be mine.

The Firecracker sits at the edge of the dock and dips her pretty little feet in the water. Shit, now I hope that Noah does show up. After her panic attack, she has no business being near the water, especially on her own.

I see her take a deep breath and before I can say anything, I hear her say something and then she dives in!

Holy fuck! I run like I've never run before, trying to get to her before she goes under. Mother fucker! What the hell is she doing?

I see it all happen in slow motion, she appears to be relaxed and then suddenly she goes under. I scream, "Ana! No!" I jump in the water and I reach for her as she's going down.

"Ana, hang on!" I shout and she grabs me and pulls me under once more. I'm ready this time and I take a breath before I go down. I push myself up and grab her from behind again. I hold her close, her back to my front. I breath loudly and try to regulate her breathing. I can hear her trying to contain a sob.

"Sssshhhh, hush now. It's ok, you're ok baby. I'm here, you're safe. Just breathe." I say as I stroke her hair.

Her body feels so good against me and I feel that pull, that connection that draws us together.

"Ana, I'm going to turn you around now."

"No, don't let me go. I'm going under. They're going to take me. I've been bad." She says as she begins to sob.

"Hey, I won't let you go and what are you talking about? No one is going to take you." I say as I turn her to face me.

Her face is down, she won't look at me.

"Hey," I say as I cup her chin. "It's ok sweetheart, you're safe." I feel myself wanting to kiss her and before I lose control I lift her up on the dock.

I wait a few moments for my cock to calm down and I jump on the dock. Ana had the good sense to bring a towel which I quickly wrap around her. She starts to shiver and I hold her close, her head is down. I lean in and take in her scent.

Being this near to Ana is very dangerous for me. She intoxicates me and makes me want to lose control. She is not mine...yet. I must remain calm, then suddenly the anger hits me and I back away.

Why is she alone? Why did she want to go in the water alone?

Before I can stop myself, I shout at her. "Just what in the hell did you think you were doing out there?!"

"I...I was trying to overcome my fear of the water." She says quietly still looking down at her feet as though they hold some magic answers or something.

"Like this?! Alone? What the fuck were you thinking? Oh that's right, you weren't thinking were you?" I shout again at her, more in frustration that this enticing creature isn't mine rather than anything else.

"What business is it of yours anyway? Why can't you leave me alone?" She spits back at me and puts her hands on her hips. God I would love to grab those hips and...shit! Control Grey! Get back to the issue at hand.

"I can't leave you alone because...well...because you're my cox! I want to be the best and I can't lose you...that is, I mean, the team, we as a team can't lose you!" Shit! Nice recovery Grey. Let's hope she doesn't pick up on your slip!

"We're going to lose anyway if I can't swim! This is over for me!" Ana cries out desperately.

"Hey, hush now. It's not over." I say as I step closer and caress her cheek.

_Watch your boundaries Grey!_

I take a step back.

"Yes, it is. I can't do this. My dreams are over." She whispers in a soft voice that is breaking my heart. This is all she wants and she's afraid she can't do it. She doesn't seem to panic with me. Maybe I can help her.

I take a step forward again.

"What if, what if I help you?" I say as I cup her chin and move her hair out of her baby blues.

"You'd do that...for me?" She looks at me in complete surprise and her face lights up with her signature beautiful smile.

Oh baby, if you only knew!

"Of course I will. If it will help you achieve your goals and make your dreams come true...well, of course I want to do it for myself and for the team as well." I say quickly.

_You're slipping Grey. She's going to figure out that you have an ulterior motive and that is to get inside her panties!_

Her eyes light up like nothing I've ever seen and my breath hitches as she approaches me. What happens next feels as though it's happening in slow motion. She launches herself at me and gives me a hug. I feel her warmth shoot through my body. Holy fucking hell, she feels fucking fabulous!

"Oh my gosh! Thanks Christian! I really do appreciate it!" She says and she backs quickly away. I see her face turn red and she blushes all over.

My God she's fucking adorable! God I want her in the worst way!

"You're quite welcome Anastasia." Her name is a prayer that rolls off my tongue.

I can almost taste her sweetness just by saying her angelic name...Anastasia.

She backs away with a spring in her step and she says to me, "I have to go now!"

"Ok!" I say sounding like a love-sick high school fuck!

Before she runs off she turns and shouts, "I'm so excited that you're going to help me! I can't wait to share my news with Noah! He'll be so happy that you are going to help me! I will finally be able to get back in the water!"

And with those words she disappears.

She's going to tell Noah?!

Well, I gotta hand it to her. She really does believe my motives are purely innocent. I almost feel guilty for setting her up in my trap...I **_almost_** feel guilty but not quite!

**APOV**

I ran back to my dorm room filled with excitement and new promise! I don't seem to have that pulling sensation when Christian helps me in the water, I wonder why?

_Yes, why is it that you feel that way with Noah? Hmmmmmm...is the guilt weighing you down?_

I ignore the voice in my head and call Noah. I have to share my news with him! It goes directly to voicemail. Perhaps his phone died, he might be charging his battery.

Holly is already out for the night so I decide that I will speak to Noah in the morning.

Yup! Tomorrow will be a new day with a new beginning for me!

**A/N**

**Ana called her God Parent's Nino and Nina short for which is short for "Padrino" and "Madrina" which is Spanish for God Parents. Noah's mother-Stephanie was Latina and she taught Noah and Ana a few words in Spanish. Stephanie was so honored to be Ana's God Mother that she kindly asked Ana to call her Nina and to call Andrew Nino. **

**I forgot to mention in my previous update that Elena does not exist in this story. I know, I know, try not to shed too many tears! :D**

**Please forgive me for not recalling your FF name but who told me about the screaming fireworks? Please PM me because I would like permission to use your line in my story. Thank you so much.**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling! :D**

**Rosie**


	11. Chapter 11

_**Fan01:Hello Rosie, i wonder if may you set your facebook to private? Thanks  
i also love your writing! it was wonderful! (:**_

**Thank you Fan01: I'm an airhead, how do I set my facebook page to private and what does it mean when I do that?**

**Thank you so much for your kind words Autumn, they really touched me and made me smile that much more.**

**To all my unregistered guests, log in officially so we can chat! :D I'd love to respond to your comments via a PM.**

**I have another recommendation for you all, Sex and Seattle by Carmelroads. Check it out, it's a great read and it's freakin' funny too! I hope you enjoy it!**

**How do I love thee? Let me show you the ways by updating three times in one week!**

**Enjoy!**

**APOV**

Today is a new day meant for new beginnings and I am feeling really good because our race was cancelled. That will give me more time to face my fear. I cannot wait to get in the water. I can't believe it! I am actually looking forward to finally facing this ominous feeling. That has to be a good sign. I call Noah and again to let him know that I'll be meeting with Christian at the dock so that he can help me with my fear of the water, Noah's cell phone goes directly to voice mail.

I don't bother to leave a message. I wonder what's up with my boyfriend. I check my phone and realize I have some missed calls. Of course they are from Noah and that's when I realize that I have a voice mail message.

_"Ana! I'm sorry I had to leave without saying good-bye in person. I got some really great news. The Olympic rowing recruiters have asked me to row at a regatta in Prague. They're holding the World Championships in Prague next year! Isn't that great? Anyway, I'll be back in two weeks. I've already got the ok from my professors so I can make up my missed assignments. I'm not sure about cell reception out there but I'll try to call or text. See you soon! I Love you Ana!"_

Great! Now what am I going to do? I'm going to be alone, my boyfriend is out of the country for two whole weeks and I'm here. Perhaps I can hang out with Holly or Carolyn? I feel lost without Noah.

I attend my morning classes and I feel as though as part of me is missing, which it is, a huge part...Noah. We don't have any classes together but just knowing that he is not on campus leaves me feeling bereft. I go through the day in a daze but I still manage to maintain my focus in all my classes, my favorite being my literature course.

I eat dinner on my own, Grey's Hall has a huge dining area with all the comforts of home...a home that is empty without Noah.

Geez, I really have to learn to quit being so dependant on Noah. I need to be a strong woman. Mom and dad would expect that of me, I've let them down enough already...mom and dad...Not a day goes by that I do not think of them or my God Parents.

I lose track of the time and I notice my phone is vibrating. I reach for it quickly in the hopes that it's Noah. I don't recognize the number.

***Meet me at the boathouse and be ready for practice in 30 minutes-Christian**

Oh shoot I completely forgot about that! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm losing my focus. This morning I was so looking forward to this but now...I just don't know. I go to my room and grab my pink bikini and then I freeze. I put it back and grab a swimmers bathing suit. It's much more conservative. Ordinarily I wouldn't think twice about wearing my bikini but...I shake whatever thought was in my head and dress for swimming.

**CPOV**

Christ! I thought this day would never end. I've had the little Firecracker on my mind twenty four-seven.

I cannot wait for her to show up! Just thinking about her here with me gets my cock twitching. I hope she wears her pink bikini because she looks so fucking hot in those little triangles.

Oh fuck!

Maybe it would be better if she doesn't wear it or else I'll have to explain my massive hard on. I then think of the memory of her with Noah together! I want to see those pretty pink triangles and then I don't want to see them for fear that 'The Big Guy' will make his own personal fucking salute!

Fuck!

It doesn't matter what she wears my fucking dick has a mind of its own and right now it wants in between Ana's legs in the worst fucking way! Why didn't I jack off before I got here?!

Oh fuck!

Here she comes now. Easy there 'Big Guy,' stop twitching you stupid fucker! Remain calm, don't think about her in that pink bikini and don't think about her beautiful breasts being covered sparingly by those little pink "triangles."

She looks so hot and she doesn't fucking have a clue. She's wearing those way too short cut off jean shorts and a simple tank top. How I would love to lift those shorts up and just grab and squeeze her curvy little ass!

Shit! 'The Big Guy' is twitching again. Easy there fucker! I'll take care of you tonight, like I have every fucking night since I've held the Firecracker in my arms. I swear to God I'm going to sprain my damn wrist if I keep jacking off as hard as I do!

The good news is that Shepherd isn't accompanying her. I wonder where he is and why he's not with her? I suppose that works out best for me because it would be totally fucked up for me to make a move on her right in front of him...not that it would stop me but it still wouldn't be right!

**APOV**

I approach the dock and see Christian wearing swim trunks and a tight form-fitting tank. His sculpted body is amazing. I've seen many fit bodies over the years because of rowing but looking at his body does something to me. He has a huge smile on his face and it makes me feel warm all over. I guess I'm feeling that way because I'm grateful for his help.

"Hi Christian, thanks again for doing this. I really do appreciate it." I say as I put my bag down.

"Of course Firecracker, it's my pleasure. I'm glad our race was cancelled today. It gives us more time to help you to confront this issue you have with the water."

"Cool, are you going to go in and should I follow you?" I ask anxiously as I want to get this started.

"Well, if it's ok with you Ana, I'd like to start by asking you some questions first. Do you mind?" He inquires with a very soft voice.

Geez, what's he going to ask me?

"Uh, sure. I guess that's ok." I say as he extends his hand for me to sit on the edge of the dock with him. I strip off my shorts and tank top and I dangle my feet in the water as does Christian. No pulling sensation, so far so good.

"I'll start with the obvious. Can you swim?"

"Yes."

"Are you a good swimmer, a strong swimmer?"

"Yes."

"How old were you when you first started to swim?"

Oh, these are easy questions to answer. I was scared for a moment or two.

"I really don't know. My parents loved the water and they wanted to be sure that I was 'water safe' and I was enrolled in swimming lessons as an infant. I've been in the water ever since I can remember." I say surprised at how much I'm opening up to him. I suppose it's necessary if he is to help me.

"I see." Christian says as he takes a deep breath. "When did you start having these panic attacks or this fear of the water?"

Now I'm angry, what business is it of his?

"Christian, are studying to be a shrink or something? I'm not your little pet project you know! Why are you asking me these questions? Why aren't we going in the water?!" I shout.

"Easy sweetheart, I'm just trying to understand what's going on with you before we get in the water. I'm trying to figure this out." He says as he pats my thigh and I feel a jolt of heat rush through my body. I'm taken aback by this feeling and I hear myself gasp. I need to get in the water now!

**CPOV**

I'm glad I'm able to focus on my questions. I'm fucking grateful and disappointed at the same time that she is wearing bathing suit that is meant for swimming. It doesn't matter, she still looks hot and ready to be fucked!

I didn't expect Ana to get so upset about my questioning her fear of the water. I immediately tried to put her mind at ease and without thinking I gently touched her thigh. I felt a warm jolt shoot through my body and I hear the Firecracker's breath hitch. The next thing I know I see Ana lunging in the water. I immediately jump in after her. I reach for her, steeling myself for the moment that she panics.

She's treading water and I can see the look of fear in her eyes. She's waiting too, waiting for the feeling, waiting for the fear, waiting for the panic. I try to ease to her mind.

"You're doing fine Ana." I say in a soothing voice.

She still looks scared, unsure of herself, but she is doing this on her own.

The tears start welling up in her eyes as she looks at me, "Christian, I'm scared..."

I'm right in front of her and as much as I want to touch her, I did promise that I would help her. Regardless of my ulterior motives, I find that I really do want to help her in any way that I can.

"You're doing fine sweetheart. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you, just take deep cleansing breaths ok?"

She nods and starts breathing deeply and she looks down at the water.

"That's great sweetheart, you're doing great."

Ana looks up at me with the biggest smile and says, "Christian! I'm doing this! I'm not going under!"

"I know, how does it feel? Are you ok?" I ask feeling very proud of myself even though I haven't done jack shit to help her. I hope she doesn't realize it as well. I could do with some appreciation from the Firecracker.

"I feel great! Do you think we can go for a swim?" She asks sounding like a kid on Christmas morning.

"Of course, you set the pace and I will swim right next to you." I say sounding happier than...well just sounding fucking happy. This shit is all new to me.

Ana swims with a very strong and determined pace. It's as if she's daring what ever was troubling her to come and bring it! She is most definitely a Firecracker in every sense of the word. She takes long commanding strokes with her arms and legs, she's breathtaking. Just simply poetry in motion as she glides above the water.

"Ya know when I was little, I wanted to be a mermaid in the worst way!" She shouts as she turns back, swimming towards the dock.

Fuck!

Why is she doing this to me! Christ! She's killing me! I can so see The Firecracker as a mermaid. Her crystal blue eyes, her long beautiful hair just covering up her creamy white breasts and those nipples, those beautiful nipples in the prettiest shade of ...pink.

"Pink."

"Christian, what did you say?" Ana asks as she reaches for the dock and lifts herself up. "Pink? Pink what?"

Holy fuck! Did I say that out loud. Did I say everything about her out loud? What the fucking hell?!

"I uh...was thinking we're going to turn pink if we don't put some sunscreen on."

_Nice thinking Grey only you do realize that..._

"Uh Christian, it's dusk. Not much chance of us catching some sun and besides, you have a wonderful tan." She says as she blushes.

_Nevermind her blush, what about what you said stupid. There's no sun! Get your shit together and pay attention!_

**APOV**

Oh geez, did I really mention his tan. That only let's him know that I am looking at his body. Shoot! Not really the message that I would like to send his way. I'm only here to overcome my fear, fear of the water!

_Yeah, you keep telling yourself that! You felt that jolt run through your body. You can't deny it! You felt it and so did I!_

"Thanks so much for helping me Christian." I say as I reach for my bag.

"Whoa, what's the hurry Firecracker? Oh yes, I'm sure you have to report to your boyfriend don't you?" Christian says with a voice that is dripping with disdain.

"I don't 'report' to anyone and not that it's any of your business but Noah is in Prague at the moment. He'll be gone for two weeks as he works out and practices with some of the Olympic team and Olympic hopefuls!" I spit back and suddenly I get that feeling again. That feeling that I got when I found out that my parents died...I'm alone.

All alone, my parents are dead and Noah is in another country. He might as well be on another planet for all I'm concerned!

**CPOV**

Well this is not how I wanted this fucking night to end! Shit! I've upset her and I can see the pain in her eyes. I've seen that pain...in my own damn reflection! I hate that she's feeling this way and I feel like shit!

"Hey Sweetheart," I say quietly as I approach her. She's looking down at her feet and I cup her chin to look up at me. "What is it Ana? I'm...I'm sorry ok? I had no right to speak to you that way. I'm so sorry."

The Firecracker looks into my eyes and it's as if she can see me...all of me and all of my shit.

"What happened to you Christian? Why the pain?" She asks.

I gasp and feel as though the wind has been knocked out of me.

Holy fuck she **_can_** see me and I don't like that one fucking bit! No one is supposed to see all that shit! No how, no fucking way!

"What the fuck are you talking about Ana?" I shout at her.

"I'm...I'm sorry Christian, it's just that I know that pain, I've seen before. It's in Noah's eyes, it's in my eyes. It's familiar."

"Well I don't know what the fuck you are talking about so let's just call it a day and I'll see you tomorrow!" I shout again and walk away feeling my palms twitching in anger.

Fuck!

**APOV**

Wow! What the heck just happened?

One moment I'm beyond ecstatic that I am facing my fear of the water and the next, Christian is shouting at me. What's worse is he's walking away angry! I hate that! For me personally, that is one of the worse things that you can do. Walk away angry, leaving things unresolved, wishing you could take back the ugly and hateful words that have been spewed.

I see him in his anger and I swear that I can see his palm twitching. Shit! He really is angry. I can't let things end like this! I promised myself, never again. I can't! I can't! I can't!

The anger that Christian is radiating both scares and calls to me and I cannot understand why. I only know that I cannot end my day like this! I will never end my day like this ever!

As these thoughts are running through my head I realize that I am running full force to catch up to Christian. I need to speak to him, I need to let him know that we cannot end our day like this. I can't and I won't do it! I don't care how angry he is! I've made a personal vow! Never again dammit!

"Christian! Please wait!" I shout, he turns to look at me. He walks back towards me, he has a look on his face that I cannot define. He appears to be hurt, confused, angry and something else...what? Determined maybe? Who the hell knows with this guy!

"Firecracker." He says as he reaches for me and it happens in slow motion. He takes my hand, pulls me towards him, wraps his other hand around my waist. The hand that pulled me to him now travels up to my face, he caresses my cheek and I still. I'm not sure what's happening. I don't know what to do. It's like I'm outside of myself and I cannot stop what's happening before me.

My hands stay dormant on my side when I feel it, my eyes close and his lips are on mine. I feel this pull, this energy shooting through my body. It knocks me completely off guard, it's unlike anything I've ever felt before...ever!

He's kissing me and it feels...like heaven. His soft tongue traces my lips and my hands travel up to his hair. His hair feels so soft and I go back to the sensation of his tongue asking for entry into my mouth...oh yes...please...

**A/N**

**Just a gentle reminder that Ana has just turned seventeen years old. She's still a kid, so try not to be too hard on her for this 'misstep.'**

**Wish us luck! My son has a regatta this week-end!**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling! :D**

**Rosie**


	12. Chapter 12

**APOV**

"No! No! No!" I shout as I pull away from Christian. My body is on fire, I'm feeling so 'lorny' once again and I am angry at myself. How the hell could I do this? What the hell is wrong with me?

"What are you doing Christian? I have a boyfriend!" I shout.

"He doesn't deserve you!" Christian shouts back.

"And you do?!" I shout in return. "I know your type Grey. I'm not interested!"

"Oh? And what type is that?" He spits back at me.

"The spoiled kid who is used to getting his way." I exclaim as my breathing slowly returns to normal, my body calming down.

"So does that mean you're not the least bit...interested?" Christian asks.

"No, I'm not. I've been dragged down the road, or have been attempted to have been dragged down that road." I say as I think of Jake The Snake.

"Really? Well you haven't been down **_my _**road. You should try me, I can guarantee you that the road will be very...'bumpy' but it's also fucking amazing." He says those words and they ooze of nothing but sex and lust it sounds so...hot!

"Well, I give you this. You certainly don't lack for self-confidence." I say. "Why is that?"

"I know what I'm capable of. I know what I can do to that body of yours. You feel it, you need it, you want it." He purrs at me like a hungry tiger about to devour his prey.

"No thanks, in case you didn't notice there's a 'detour' sign in front of you so I suggest take heed."

And with those words I choose to walk away. Breaking my own personal vow, it's best this way. It's safer this way.

"You are such a firecracker Anastasia, so full of...pop!" Christian shouts as I continue to walk away, refusing to look back.

"I love Noah!" I shout back trying to reiterate what I know is true in my heart.

I get to my room and I slam the door. Holly is there on her laptop.

"How was your swim Ana? Ana? What's wrong?" She asks, her voice laced with concern.

"The swim was good and I'm fine Holly, I just...I miss Noah." I say as I flop myself on the bed.

I hear Holly sigh, "Yes, I could see why are you affected. Noah seems like a great guy. Don't worry, he'll be back before you know it." She says as she smiles at me.

"I know Holly, it's just when he's not here I feel so...lost."

"Whoa Ana, don't you start feeling too needy with Noah. It's one thing to miss your boyfriend, it's another thing entirely to be dependent on him or any other man. Be strong Ana!" Holly says as she smiles at me.

"Sure Holly, easy for you to say. The guys are always falling all over you." I smile back at her.

"Well, they can fall all they want. I don't mind the occasional date here and there but no man is going to make me all googly-eyed and love-sick!" She says as she laughs and returns to her lap top.

Yeah, easy for her to say. She doesn't have some grey eyed sex-imal kissing her and leaving her without any senses!

Shit!

This is not the way I expected this day to turn out. What to do? How do I deal with this? Can we still practice together? Do I think we should practice together? I don't want to think about it. My phone vibrates and I can only hope that it's my Noah.

It's a text...and it is from Noah!

***I'll call you in one hour make sure you answer your phone. I love and miss you Ana! :)**

I close my eyes and all is right with the world. Noah, my boyfriend, my love is going to call me. I need to hear his voice, I need to know that we are ok, that we are strong, that we will always be together. I need some reassurance after the day that I've had.

**CPOV**

She loves Noah? My ass! How could she love Noah and kiss me the way she did? That's a load of bullshit! She knows it and so do I! Why the fuck did she feel the need to yell out, _"I love Noah!"_

I will tell you why, because she was trying to convince herself that she still loves him! That's fucking why!

I decide to go out and scull, get away from these thoughts and this feeling that is still coursing through my body. What the fucking hell is this shit? Desire, hunger, need...I'm like a fucking addict needing my fix of the Firecracker.

Fuck! I've got the perfect match stick right here and it would do wonders to light up and make my Firecracker explode in pure sexual elation!

Firecracker...what an apt name. I can't help but think of a former school mate of mine. The lovely Miss June. We got into trouble at school so many times. Ditching class, smoking, drinking and June mentioned that she had an illegal firework called a screaming kitchen maid. We set if off during a classroom assembly. We were so lucky we didn't get caught...some memories of school weren't so bad I suppose...

_"Christian, mommy needs her medicine...that's a good boy. Christian loves his mommy don't you baby?"_

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up you fucking crack whore!" I shout as I'm out on the water.

Shit! I row to escape these thoughts, not to bring them with me, here where I find some semblance of peace. If only for a while...

**APOV**

My phone rings and I grab it quickly, "Noah?!" I exclaim as my heart races just knowing he's on the other end of the line.

"Ana? I don't have much time, the cell service here sucks! How are you baby? Noah asks and out of nowhere I become choked up. I can't speak. I try to hold in a sob.

"Ana, are you there? Answer me baby." He pleads.

"Noah," I say as my voice cracks, "Oh Noah...I miss you so much..." That's all it takes before I'm overcome with tears.

"Hey baby, I'm sorry I left so suddenly. Everything happened so fast. Should I come back. You don't sound good at all." He says as he speaks to me in that soothing tone that makes me feel safe and warm all over.

"Don't be silly Noah, I can't ask you to give up on your dreams. I'm just feeling lost without you but I'm fine. I'm sorry that I'm crying. The last thing I need is for you to be worrying about me when you should be focusing on your goals and dreams." I say as I try to calm down.

"Well, I guess I won't ask how you're doing." He says with concern in his voice.

"I'm fine Noah, stop worrying. Just focus out there make them notice you." I say trying to sound up beat.

"What was that Ana? You're breaking up." He says and I can just hear his voice, there appears to be some static.

"Noah, I do have some good news to share with you!"

"Really_** xxxx**_ is it? I _**xxxx**_ sure use some."

"Noah, I can't hear you. I hope you can hear me. Noah, I'm not afraid of the water anymore!"

"What _**xxx**_ that? Ana? Ana?"

"Christian is helping me to face my fear of the water."

The phone goes dead.

My phone vibrates again and I grab it quickly and say, "Noah?"

There's silence so I'm thinking we have bad reception..."Noah can you hear me?"

"Ana." The voice says and I feel the heat shooting through my body.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

"Yes?" I say acting as if I have no idea who is on the other line.

"It's Christian." He says softly.

"What's up?" I say curtly.

"I just...uh...I just wanted to apologize for my behavior. I had no right to speak to you that way and I definitely had no right to kiss you. I know you have a boyfriend and I crossed a line. A line that I shouldn't have crossed. I hope you can forgive me and I hope that you and I can still practice together."

I'm stunned...Christian does not seem like the type of person who apologizes...ever! What do I do? I'm having such mixed emotions and it doesn't help that my boyfriend is so far away.

Mommy, daddy...I wish you were here. Growing up is such a difficult thing to do and it's much more difficult to do if you don't have your parents words of wisdom.

"Ana? Ana are you there?"

Shit! I spaced out!

"Yes Christian, I'm here. I'm just thinking. I really don't know what to do about this. I'm so confused."

"Listen Ana, why don't I take you out to dinner. It's still early and we can discuss this." He sounds sincere.

"Please Ana, I promise to behave." I can hear the pain in his voice and it calls out to me.

"Yes, yes of course. Dinner sounds great."

"Excellent! I'll pick you up in an hour?"

"Sure, sounds good. I'm staying at Grey's Hall. See ya in bit." I say and I'm feeling much better.

The last thing I want to do is go to bed angry. I don't want to be angry with Christian or anyone for that matter. I don't like to leave things unsettled. I need to have some sort of conclusion before this day is over. It's the only way I can pay tribute to my parents and my God parents. I have to know that their deaths were not in vain. I can't live knowing things are unsaid and unresolved.

Then why won't you tell Noah? Why won't you talk to Noah? Why? Because you are a coward, because he will never forgive you, because he will no longer love you.

I shake those unwanted thoughts out of my head and get ready for dinner.

I go downstairs and text Christian to let him know that I will be waiting for him out in front of Grey's Hall. As I'm texting him I feel someone approaching.

Holy sweet jingle bells!

I see a tall rockin' body decked out in a black leather jacket and the most perfect fitting snug you in all the right places faded blue jeans. His leather jacket is open and I can see he's wearing a very snug white t-shirt that shows the definition in his chest. Who the hell is this? My eyes finally work their way up to the leather God in black and Lord help me...It's Christian!

"Hey Firecracker!" Christian says in a very playful way that I've not heard from him...ever.

**CPOV**

"Uh, hi Christian." Ana says dubiously.

That's right baby! Take me all in! I know you like what you see! I love that her eyes are all over me. Scanning me up and down.

"I hope you're hungry." I say as I lead her to my ride. I'm making an effort to keep things light and simple between us. I do not like the way we left things earlier.

"Starving!" She says as she smiles at me.

"Good, I'm taking you some where off campus." I say as she stills, looking dumbfounded.

"Uh, where's your car?"

"Oh, sorry. I guess I should have told you. No car, just this." I say as I point to my motorcycle.

"Whoa! This is awesome!" Ana squeals with excitement. "I love motorcycles! I must say I'm sort of scared of them at the same time."

"Don't worry Ana, you're safe with me." I say as I hand her a helmet.

She's not safe with you Grey and you know it you sick fuck!

"I love the color of my helmet. Uh I mean the extra helmet, it's such a pretty shade of blue." She says as she places it on her head.

I try to hide my smirk.

She doesn't need to know that I purchased this helmet just for her, with her color eyes in my mind. I would never let anyone ride with me. Not even Mia, no matter how much she whined. I know my parents weren't happy about my ride but once I have my mind set on something, I don't stop until I get it, what ever it is!

I hop on my bike and Ana climbs on slowly and carefully not knowing what to do with her hands. She places them on my shoulders and I say, "Ana, you're going to have to wrap your arms around my waist or else you will fall off, we can't have that now can we?"

"Uh, oh. Ok." She says as she scoots forward leaving no space in between us. My back to her front.

I can feel the warmth of her body, the softness of her full breasts rubbing against my back. Her hands, her soft hands, they're gripped tight around my waist and it's the best feeling ever. I've not tolerated physical touch before but with Ana, it's different. I'm not tolerating her touch, I'm needing it, I'm craving it, I must have it.

She feels so fucking good, oh God I don't think I can focus. This might not be a good idea after all. Oh Jesus! Not you 'Big Guy!' Not now! I took care of you before we got here! What the hell is the matter with me? I can't control my cock! I feel like a damn horny thirteen year old!

"Shit!" Dammit! I said that out loud!

"Christian, are you ok? Why aren't we leaving?" Ana asks breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Just making sure everything is in place." I say as I start my bike. I hope I can do this without leading with my cock! "Hang on tight!" I shout as we zoom away.

"Wow! Oh my gosh! Faster Christian! Go Faster!" Ana shouts as I give it the gas.

Well, little Miss Firecracker likes it fast eh? I'll show her fast, in more ways than one!

We arrive at our destination and I can see the place is busy, it's always busy here.

"Christian! It's Mr. Bartley's! I seen this place on the food network! Noah and I have been meaning to come here. We tried once, but it's always busy."

I hop off my bike and I take her hand to help her off and as soon as I do, I feel that fucking jolt again.

I hear Ana try to suppress a gasp and I know she feel it as well. She quickly withdraws her hand and says, "I'm fine Christian, I can get down on my own."

I'm hurt that she's breaking our contact and she must sense it because she quickly says, "I know I'm short but I'm not that short." She giggles.

Christ, even her giggle makes me feel warm all over. Oh God, I'm helpless and I hate and love it!

**APOV**

Why do I get that 'feeling' when I'm with Christian? I don't understand. After our meal I need to set things straight with us, but for now I'd like to figure out how and when we're going to eat. This place is jumping and I'm hungry.

"Ana, I'm going to make a quick call." Christian says as he takes a few steps away from me.

I look up at the Leather God and nod. I make a mental note to purchase a leather jacket for Noah. He would look so sexy in one of these.

"Ok sweetheart, we're good." Christian says as we walk to the front of the line and we are greeted by a very pretty girl.

"Christian! It's great to see you! Come on in!"

"Ana, I'd like you to meet **Andrea**. Andrea, this is my...friend, Ana."

"Ana, it's so nice to meet you. Come on in, I got you a nice spot in a secluded area." **Andrea** says as she leads us to our table.

After we order our burgers and drinks there is nothing but uncomfortable silence. I need to say something, the tension is killing me.

I take a deep breath and go for it, "Christian, I need to say something."

"Of course, what is it Firecracker?" Christian asks as he leans forward putting his elbows on the table, with his hands together. I have his full attention and I feel those grey eyes piercing me, right through my soul.

I want to look away, I want to look down but his eyes, they draw me in. Whatever I wanted to say is gone. I look deeper and deeper into his eyes and there it is...the pain, buried deep inside of him.

"Christian, what is it?" I ask softly.

Christian's look changes and I can feel him tense up. He leans back and crosses his arms.

"What is what? What do you want from me Ana?"

I'm about to speak when the server arrives with our burgers.

"Never mind, I'm really hungry. Let's just eat." I say as I grab a french fry.

"Sounds good." Christian says as he takes a bite of his burger.

I finish my burger and fries and I even have room for a chocolate shake. I catch Christian every now and then looking at me with a huge smile on his face. I can't help but get the feeling that he's enjoying watching me 'pig out.' I can't help it, I'm hungry! I'm not a salad and water type girl. I want food!

"It looks like you enjoyed your burger my little Firecracker."

"I did, it was delicious. Thanks again, I'm stuffed."

"Me too, let's go walk it off, shall we?" Christian asks.

"Sure, sounds good."

**CPOV**

I'm a nervous wreck, what the hell. I'm the one that makes the girls and women nervous, I'm the one who is in control, not the case with this little one. Who would have thought someone so tiny could wield such power over me and not have the slightest clue?

I did notice when I introduced Ana to **Andrea, **that Ana's brow was furrowed. I think her eye color changed momentarily from blue to green. Yes, I liked that! It appeared as if the Firecracker got a small sample of the bitterness that I've been tasting since we've met, knowing she's with The Golden Boy. Yes, it sucks doesn't it Ana?

If I would have known that it would make Ana jealous I would have hugged and kissed Andrea. Maybe next time. I like seeing Ana jealous!

"Why the smile Christian? What are you thinking?" She asks breaking me out of my reverie.

"I enjoy when the tables are turned." I say without thinking. Shit! She is so disarming! I really need to watch myself!

"Oh? How are the tables turned?" She asks.

"Never mind."

I hear Ana take a breath and sigh. "Why won't you talk to me?"

"I am Ana." I say frustratingly.

"Why won't you tell me about your pain."

"What pain?" Now I'm getting pissed.

"You can't hide it from me, I can see it. I know you have it." Touché Firecracker.

I shoot back with, "Why won't you tell me about your fear of the water?"

Ana stops walking and I realize we're near a park. She walks towards a picnic table and she takes a seat.

I sit across from her, she's contemplating...Come on Firecracker. You can do this.

"I'll share if you share, deal?" She looks at me with hope in her eyes.

Now I'm silent. Do I tell her? Can I tell her? Perhaps this is a way for us to become close.

"What do you say Christian? Listen, if I do share, you have to promise not to tell anyone. Especially Noah!" She sounds desperate.

Yes, this is good. She'll share something with me that only I will be privy to and the thought that I have a small piece of Ana that no one has, not even Shepherd makes me happy.

Fuck!

Who would have thought?! I'm a fool...a fool in...Don't say it! No you are not!

"Deal, you first." I say quickly before I change my mind.

I lean forward, put my hands together and wait for the bombshell that she's about to drop on me.

Ana takes another deep breath and then she does it. I see the resolve in her face. She's going to do it! Yes my little Firecracker, open up to me and only to me!

"Christian, Noah and I lost our parents." She says this and I suddenly remember that I have to act as though this is news to me. Fuck! I don't want to start out our relationship with a lie.

What relationship idiot? You have nothing with her!

I take a deep breath and say the words quickly before I try to hold back, "I know Ana."

"What? How do you know?" She asks completely taken aback by my admission.

Don't start with lies, don't start with lies.

"I had to know about you Ana, I'm...I'm attracted to you in case you didn't know. I wanted to know all about you."

There, I said it. I put it all out there. Something I've never done before, of course I've never felt this way before either.

"Christian, I...I love Noah." She says softly as the tears well up in her eyes.

As much as what she's telling me is slowly and painfully ripping me apart, I need to know her pain. I want to help her. I put aside my pride because I feel an obligation to help rid her of her pain. I hate to see her like this.

I want to heal her, I want her happy, I want her pain gone forever.

Those words reverberate through me and I go back in time...

I'm six years old, I'm screaming. Grace rushes in and calms me down. I pretend to go back to sleep but I am wide awake. I don't like to see Grace upset. She saved my life. I can hear her crying. She's crying and Carrick is holding her.

_"I hate this Carrick. I hate that our baby boy is in so much pain!"_

Grace says as Carrick squeezes her tight.

"_I know Grace, I know. It hurts to see the ones we love in pain, we'll get through this my love._"

_"I just love him so much! **I want to heal him, I want him happy, I want his pain gone forever. **_

"Holy fuck!" I shout

"Christian, are you ok?"

"Oh God, I'm sorry Ana." I don't, it's not possible, I can't...can I? Do I...love her? "I didn't mean to interrupt you, go ahead sweetheart."

**APOV**

Oh God, please help me. I'm going to say it. Finally. Come on Steele, you can do this. Just let it out...

"Well, you may know that Noah's parents and my parents are dead, but you don't know this..."

Christian looks at me and I have his full attention, I can do this. I can do this...

"I'm responsible for their deaths. They're dead because of me Christian!"

There, I said it and after the words leave my mouth I lose it. I cry, I finally let go of the tears, the tears that I didn't cry the night they told us that our parents were dead. I let it all go and I cannot stop.

It feels so good to finally release the pain and guilt that I've been carrying these past few years.

"Ssssshhhhh. Hey, it's ok sweetheart." Christian says. "I'm here. I'm here." I realize that I'm now sitting on his lap and my face is buried in his chest. I'm not sure when or how it happened and for now, I don't care. I just want to let go. It so cathartic and feel a huge weight being lifted off of me.

**A/N**

**The '_xxxx_' are meant be static.**

**Yes Andrea, that's you. Somehow you always manage to be Christian's good friend. One day I may have to make you be a 'special' friend with 'benefits!' Hell, you probably already are since you're his 'good friend' ya know!**

**'Sex-imal' Definition - A combination of a "sexy" and "animal" rolled up into one sexy beast. Yeah baby!**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Rosie :D**


	13. Chapter 13

**CPOV**

"It's ok sweetheart, I'm here. It's ok." I say as I cup her chin to look into my eyes. Fucking hell, she's even beautiful when she cries. Those soft full lips. How I'd like to...

_Jesus Grey! Get a grip you sick fuck! The girl is opening up to you and all you can think about is fucking her mouth! You're worthless and you don't deserve this delicate beauty before you!_

I shake those thoughts from my twisted mind and reassure my Firecracker. "It's ok Ana, say it. You'll feel better if you do. You've been holding this in for too long a time. I see the pain in your eyes as well sweetheart."

Ana takes a deep breath and the words spill out.

"Christian, my parents were going out with Noah's parents on the night that they died. It was a business celebration. I got in an argument with my mom and my dad that night. Words were exchanged and in the heat of the moment I said that I would never forgive them and that they were being unfair. It was awful! I knew I was being unreasonable but I didn't care. Noah and I were studying at his house when I got a phone call from my mom. She said she didn't like the way things ended with us and she didn't want me to use my God parent's car service to go home. She didn't want me to go to sleep angry or upset. She said that she and my dad weren't having a very good time because we argued. We had never argued before. They wanted to come home early and talk things out."

Ana takes a deep breath and begins to sob again.

"Shhh...It's ok sweetheart, you can do this. Just take a few deep breaths." I say as I rub soothing circles on her back.

"Well, I could hear my mom telling my God parents that they were going home so my God parents decided to go home with them. They all went together! All four of them!"

She continues to cry and she's heaving, her I can hear her fighting to breathe.

"It's ok, keep going. I'm here."

"Don't you see?! They all came home together! They left because of me! All them died because my parents and I got in an argument and they wanted to talk things out! If I hadn't acted like such a spoiled brat this wouldn't have happened!"

She cries harder and harder and buries herself in my chest. I don't feel the pain, she's breaching my no-go zone and I don't see red. Perhaps I'm pushing the revulsion down because Anastasia needs me? Who knows? Now is not the time to question that shit. I need to help her.

I wonder what they argued about? Not that it matters but shit. How fucked up is this? How can she feel guilty about this? It's not her fault!

"You know what the worst part is Christian? The worst mother fucking part of this is?" She asks as she laughs and cries at the same time.

Holy fuck, am I falling for a nut case? Should I call my shrink?

Shit! What do I do?

Well, she asked a question..."Uh, what's the worst part of this Ana?" Why did I ask? I'm such an idiot!

Ana jumps off of me and backs away, she looks at me with crazy eyes. Holy fuck is she going 'postal' on me? What the fuck?

"The worst part is...I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THE FUCK WE ARGUED ABOUT CHRISTIAN! How fucked up is that?! They are dead and I don't remember why we even argued in the first place!" She screams out loud and then falls to grass.

I've heard screams like this before. They are the screams of my nightmares, it's more like a howling screeching sound. I'm overcome with feelings and emotions that terrorize me. I'm dying seeing Anastasia like this. It's not her fault!

I want to heal her, I want her happy, I want her pain gone forever.

I want to help her, I want to take away her pain.

There are those words again, those words that Grace said to Carrick. Those words that now run through my mind as I see Anastasia Rose Steele attempting to face her demons. Anastasia Rose, my fragile little flower. I would give anything at this moment to have my Firecracker return.

What I see before me is ripping me apart. I feel as though I now have somewhat of an understanding of what Grace and Carrick suffered as they heard and watched me suffer through my night terrors. My parents who love me and through no fault of their own other than being loving people, opened their hearts and home to me and I brought darkness into their lives.

How can I do that to my fragile flower? How can I even think of making her mine when she has darkness of her own that she needs to deal with.

Fuck!

_Holy shit Grey! Can it be? Are you actually growing a conscience?_

I take a deep breath and lift Ana off of the grass. I carry her in my arms and return to the picnic table and sit. I let her cry, crying is good. She needs to let this all out. I don't counsel her, I only say, "Shhhhh, it's ok sweetheart. Just let it all out. You need to let this all out. You've been holding it in for much too long. It's ok."

**APOV**

I'm physically and emotionally drained. I don't know how long I've been sitting in Christian's lap but I've finally stopped crying. All the tears that I've with held for so long. They finally came pouring out.

I cannot believe that I finally said what I've been feeling for so long, I finally said the words out loud. My parents and my God parents are dead because of me. Although it hurts to say it, it does feel good to admit it out loud and to finally say it to someone.

Then the realization hits me. I take in my surroundings and jump off of Christian's lap.

"Christian, you won't...you won't say anything about this to anyone will you? I mean...you did promise me..."

Before I can finish my sentence Christian stands up walks up to me, I look up at him and he looks down at me with those eyes, those beautiful grey eyes that have so much pain them.

"I made a promise Ana, I won't tell anyone. You have my word sweetheart." Christian extends his hand as says, "Come, sit. Let's talk a bit more before I take you back to your room."

I give Christian my hand and he tugs on it as I'm still in some sort of daze. The jolt I feel as he touches me runs through my body. He leads me to the table and helps me to sit. I expected him to sit next to me but he sits across from me instead.

I say nothing, I just look at him and I can tell that he wants to say something. He probably thinks I'm an awful person as well. Fighting with my parents and then causing not only their deaths but the deaths of my God parents as well.

I can't take the silence, "Just say it Christian! Say what a horrible person I am. Say it and get it over with already!" I shout.

"Ana, sweetheart. Stop that! Nothing could be further from the truth! Look, you've just unloaded what I presume to be the biggest burden that you've ever carried. How can you think that I could or would ever blame you for your parents death? That anyone would blame you for your parents death?"

"Because it's my fault that's why!" I shout.

"Listen sweetheart, it's been quite an emotional day for you and I really don't think you're up to continuing this conversation right here, right now. How about I take you home and we can talk about this tomorrow? Hmmm?"

"Christian, you haven't shared your pain with me. It's not fair. You should have someone to share with as well."

"Don't worry about me, I've had plenty of shrinks to talk to about all of my shit for as long as I can remember." He says with a heavy sigh.

"Well, but...speaking to a shrink isn't the same as sharing your hurt with a friend Christian."

**CPOV**

Boom!

She looks at me with baby blues and says those words with the utmost of sincerity. She slowly and carefully and fucking methodically manages to chip away at my brick wall. Something my parent's have tried doing for years, something Lelliot and Mia have tried as well. Mia has come close but no one has disarmed me like Anastasia and again, she does so without even knowing how much this means to me. If my family knew how the Firecracker was able to breach my wall, they would throw her a fucking party.

"Listen, I'll share my shit with you tomorrow. What do you say? We can practice swimming and then I can take you out to dinner and then we can talk. Is it a deal?"

Ana looks at me with that furrowed brow, the 'V' taking shape on her forehead.

"You know when you're contemplating or deep in thought, you have a little 'V' shape, right here." I say as I trace it with my index finger.

I feel it again, as I touch her and Anastasia slowly backs away.

"I don't know Christian. You kissed me today and..."

Shit! I'm losing her. What do I do? What do I say?

"I promise I won't do anything. Please, you're right. It's not fair that you got to unburden yourself. What about me?" I say as I pout.

Ana finally gives me a small smile. "Don't pout Christian."

"Why? Is it working?" I make an exaggerated pout and the Firecracker returns!

"You're silly and pouting doesn't suit you." She giggles. "Ok, fine. I'll see you tomorrow. We should get going, it's late."

And with those words I take the Firecracker back to Grey's Hall.

*****The Following Day******

**CPOV**

I feel like I'm having a déjà vu of some sort. Here we go again, only it's twenty-four hours later. I think back to last night and all the stupid shit I said.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking?! I gave the Firecracker my word that I wouldn't do anything. What possessed my to give her my word? I may be the son of a crack whore but my word does mean something to me.

Shit!

Maybe it's best this way, as much as I want her, need her and fucking crave her touch, it's best that she stay with Shepherd. He is after all, the mother fucking 'Golden Boy!' The name suits him well! Ana deserves gold in her life, he's Mr. Sunshine and I'm fifty shades of fucked up!

Why would I want to subject her to my grey skies when The Golden boy can make her happy?

_Holy shit Grey, you almost sound human. Are those feelings that you have? Could it be that she really is reaching you? I didn't think it possible, not for a sick fuck like you!_

I shake my head and wait patiently for my Firecracker.

Here she comes looking sexy as fuck without a clue. I can see the fuckers checking her out as she walks past them.

Assholes! Put your fucking eyes back in their sockets! Christ almighty!

Her walk is much lighter, she has a slight spring in her step. Perhaps I had something to do with that? The fact that she finally purged what she kept buried deep down inside of her soul has been lifted...because of me!

_Oh yes Dr. Grey, you are the reason for her feeling light and carefree. Get the fuck over yourself!_

"Hi Ana!" I say again a little too enthusiastically.

Oh Christ! Someone help me!

The Firecracker has single-handedly turned me into the male version of my sister Mia! For fuck's sake, shoot me now and put me out of misery!

Ana giggles and says, "Uh, hi Christian. You sound funny."

"Funny? Funny how?" I ask knowing full well that it's my fucking Mia mode.

"Oh, I don't know. Over the top I guess? It's funny. Not all like I pictured you. The girls in the locker room said that..."

Oh hell, she did pick up on my 'Mia mode and what the hell did the girls say about me dammit?!

"Said what? What did they say? Ana, they don't know me. No one does." I say desperately not wanting her to believe their shit! I never cared what anyone thought about me...until now that is.

"It doesn't matter Christian, I base my opinions solely on my own interactions with a person, not based on the 'he said-she said' type stuff. I'm way past that type of high school type of baloney."

"Ok, let's get in the water. Are you ready?"

"I am Christian! I'm actually looking forward to it now!" She says with her patented signature smile that takes my breath away.

"Well," I say as I pull off my shirt, "Let's dive in!"

After I jump in I see Ana pull down her shorts and peel off her tank top. Holy hard ons Batman! She's wearing the pink triangles. No! No! No!

Someone remove this picture from my brain. The Firecracker rocking those pretty pink triangles, I'm fucking helpless! Those damn triangles, they are my kryptonite and I'm defenseless!

Whoa, wait a minute...did I just say...? '_Holy hard ons_?' and '_Kryptonite_?'

Am I Robin or Superman for fuck's sake?

Get your super heroes sorted out you dumb shit!

What the fuck?! Is she testing me by wearing those pretty pink triangles?

Why?! Why?! Why?!

Thank fuck that the water is cold. 'The Big Guy' has hidden away, frightened off by the water temperature. Don't look at her breasts, don't look at teeny tiny triangle that is covering her world, a world that I long to explore. I can't take this, I go under to try to control myself.

I hear a splash and rise to the surface. Ana is in front of me, she has a small smile but I can tell she's nervous.

"It's ok Ana, you're fine." I say quietly.

**APOV**

I'm so happy the water is cold, as soon as Christian peeled off his tank my body went into extreme over drive. I can see the outline of his 'package' and it leaves little to the imagination. Christian is definitely 'blessed' in size. I may have only seen Noah's package in person, but thanks to the unis that the rowers have to wear, I've seen many an outline! He is an Adonis amongst men. Of all the rowers physique's that I have seen, none can compare to the one in water before me.

I feel so exposed in my pink bikini, I had no choice but to wear it. Christian has no clue that I came in my swim suit last night. I was laying in my bed and I hadn't taken off my swim suit. I was feeling 'lorny' again so my fingers started exploring. It's something I've never done before. I closed my eyes and touched myself. It felt so good, I did things to myself that made me moan.

I pictured Noah above me and rubbed my clit as my fingers went in and out of my kitty kat, I could feel my wetness. Just as I was about to explode, Noah's sea green eyes turned grey. I saw Christian before me and that was it, I came loud and hard. It was like fireworks going off inside of me and it was one of the best orgasms I've ever had!

This is just too hot for me! I still feel so guilty! I need to cool off so I decide to go under water.

"Ana!" I hear Christian shout. "Ana no!"

Shoot! Christian thinks I'm having a panic attack! I can't tell him what I'm really thinking!

Christian reaches for me and pulls up, my back to his front. He's holding me tight and it feels so good!

"It's ok sweetheart, you're ok." He coos softly not knowing that I needed to cool off certain parts of my body that were running hot...for him no less!

No! Why am I feeling this way! I love Noah, yet my body is alive with electricity.

I'm tingling all over, thinking about his package. Suddenly I feel it, it's rubbing against me. His throbbing member is right in between the crack of my butt cheeks. It feels so good.

I'm trying so hard to fight this feeling of sexual lust but I can't stop it! The power of his dick is overwhelming. I've become...'_**dicmatized**_' and I can't do a damn thing about it.

"Dick!"

Holy crap! I said that out loud.

"Ana? Are you ok?"

I quickly break away from the man who has me dicmatized and I shout, "Let's swim! I'll race you!"

And with those words, I break from the pulling sensation of his dick. Christian beats me back to the dock and we are breathless. It seems as though I gave him a run for his money.

Yup, I'm a strong swimmer alright. Much more so because I was trying to escape the pull of his delightful dick!

"Wow Firecracker, I must say I'm quite impressed." Christian says as he smirks at me. Why is he trying to hide his beautiful smile?

"Thanks Christian! I think I'm doing pretty good. What do you think?" I say as I jump on the dock.

"Ana, you may have this panic attack thing licked."

He frowns after he says those words. Why is that?

**CPOV**

Why in the hell did I have to say 'licked?' Now all I can think of is her sweet mouth and her luscious tongue wrapped around my cock like a fucking cobra! Shit!

"Christian, what's wrong. Why are you frowning?" She asks so innocently, unaware of my fucked up thoughts.

"Are you hungry? Let's change and go out to dinner early today, what do you say?"

"I would like that very much." She says as my eyes rake up and down her body, focusing on her tiny pink triangles.

She senses me eye-fucking her. She grabs her towel and quickly wraps it tightly around her beautiful body.

"Ok," I say trying not to sound too dejected that she covered up. "I'll pick you up in say, an hour?" I hope she's not like Mia, taking two hours to get ready doing who the hell knows what?!

"Make it half an hour, deal?" She smiles and she grabs her things.

Oh I like her, she doesn't waste time getting ready. Of course, she doesn't have to, she's a natural beauty.

"Deal! Laters baby!" I say as we go our separate ways.

*****Two Hours Laters Baby*****

Ana and I sit across from one another at the same picnic table that we sat on yesterday. Ana is silent. I suppose she's waiting...waiting for me to unload my shit on her. I don't want to open up to her. I don't want to open up to anyone. I'm...I'm scared. Ana will hate me, I know she will. It's bad enough that I hate myself. I'm full of self loathing.

I swear if the crack whore's pimp didn't burn me, I think I would have been a self mutilator. Thank fuck I'm not. Carrick and Grace had enough of my dark shit to deal with, the last thing they needed to worry about was razors and box cutters and shit like that!

"Christian?" The Firecrackers softly and cautiously.

"Yes Firecracker?"

"I'm waiting, it's your turn ya know?"

"I know Anastasia, I'm just a little nervous about this. I've...I've never done this before."

"Never done what? Shared your pain?" She asks as she raises her eyebrows in shock.

"Yes, I mean, my family knows but we never discussed it. It's not that they didn't try, it's just that I just couldn't." I say just above a whisper.

**APOV**

"Christian, we had a deal remember? I don't want to force you but I really think you should talk about it. You might feel better. I know I do, I still feel as though what happened to my parents and God parents is my fault but, at least I finally said it out loud. It's ok, don't be afraid."

Christian stands up and takes a deep breath. Oh shit, this is it. I better brace myself. Who knows what he's going to say.

"Ana, I'm adopted. Grace rescued me from a horrible life. My birth mother was a crack whore and her pimp abused me."

Holy shit. It's a good thing that I braced myself. I try really hard to keep an impassive look about me. I don't want him to stop speaking but I can't help but feel sorry for the little boy who was Christian Grey.

"I'm so sorry Christian." I say without thinking. "Go on..."

Christian proceeds to tell about his childhood, what he can remember anyway. It was endless nights of men coming to see his mother for job skills. Christian told me about how he was supposed to hide in a closet when his mommy had a 'visitor.'

The pimp would take the crack whore in between visits and Christian walked in on them. The pimp chased Christian around the apartment and beat him. He beat him with a belt, he kicked him with his boots, he beat him with whatever object was near by and within his reach.

I feel sick, this cannot be true. Who could do that to a small child? Who could be so evil?

"Ana, are you still with me?" Christian asks.

I'm so proud of myself. This horror story that is the life of a young Christian Grey has ripped out my soul and yet here I sit, not shedding one single tear. Perhaps I'm in shock, just like I was the night I was told that my parents were dead. It's a good thing, it's good that I'm not crying. I need to be strong for Christian, he needs me.

"I'm still with you." I say quietly.

Christian takes a deep breath and he drops down to knees. He's kneeling right in front of me. What's he doing?

He looks up into my eyes and I see it. It's no longer hiding in the depths of his soul. The pain is here, right in front of me and I fear what he will say. What can it be? Was he molested? Did the pimp also pimp out Christian? Oh dear God, I feel sick.

Too many ugly things are running through my mind. Please Christian, please say something!

He lays his head down on my knees and I instinctively run my fingers through his soft silky hair. I caress his cheek and say, "It's ok, I won't say a thing Christian. Your secrets are safe with me."

Christian looks up at me once more and something in his eyes has changed, I think he trusts me. There was some sort of wall or barrier that he built around himself. That wall is gone, well...temporarily anyway. Oh please say something Christian, please. I feel like I'm going to throw up!

"Ana, I...I killed my birth mother."

**A/N**

**Props to Lulu Price for the word 'dicmatized!' Definition - When you're getting good "dick." It's so good you become hypnotized and don't give a shit about anything, except the dick.**

**Much love Miss Lulu!**

**I have another GREAT read for you! "****Fifty Shades of All the Tea in China" by Author showdog. This story is fantastic and the lemons are scorching hot! Give it a go, I can assure you that you will not be disappointed!**

******Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

******Rosie :D**


	14. Chapter 14

**APOV**

Oh dear God no, please let me be wrong about what Christian just said. Please God!

"I...I don't understand Christian. What do you mean? Did you just say, 'You killed your birth mother?' That doesn't make any sense. How can that be?" I say quietly as I continue to caress his cheek.

"It's true Ana, I killed her." He says as he buries his face in between my legs. I can see and feel his chest heaving up and down. He's forcing himself to hold in the tears, the tears of a child, a child who has no business carrying this burden with him.

I have to ask, I must. How can I help him if I don't know the circumstances of his birth mother's death.

You can do this Steele, just take a deep breath and ask.

"How did it happen Christian, tell me."

He looks at me once more, so much sadness, so much pain.

"The crack whore was looking for her medication. She asked me for her medicine every night and every night I gave it to her. I'm not sure what she took but I knew where it was and I brought it to her with a glass of water. Medicine is supposed to make you feel better and I wanted her well."

Christian takes a deep breath.

"Go on Christian." I say quietly.

"She fought with her pimp every night and eventually she would curl up in a ball and take a horrible beating, but the night she died something was...different, she stood up to him. She yelled that she wasn't going to take it anymore and that she was leaving. She wanted a better life herself and for me."

Christian takes another deep breath and continues.

"Her pimp laughed at her and said that she would have nowhere to go. He dared her to leave and said the only living she could make was on her back."

Oh dear God. I cannot help it, the tears that I've withheld are now pouring out of me.

"Keep going Christian, please."

"It's like I said, she asked for her medicine and I brought it to her. She took too many pills and she...well...you know." He buries himself once again between my legs and this time I feel the warmth on my legs from his tears that he is finally shedding.

I know that feeling, carrying all that pain and guilt inside you. Not wanting to share your darkness with anyone, only Christian has had it much worse. He was an innocent child! I have anger and rage coursing through me as I think of what happened to Christian. It's awful, it's beyond my comprehension.

I say nothing, I just let him purge...

Christian stands up quickly and turns his back on me.

"Christian, are you ok?" I ask.

Nothing.

He stands there with his back turned and he says nothing. So I wait...and wait...and wait.

I stand up and I'm right behind him. I can feel the 'pull' between us.

"I'm sorry Ana." He says quietly. "I didn't mean to lay out all my shit on you."

Now I'm angry! Why is he apologizing to me?

"Listen Christian," I say firmly. "Do NOT apologize to me. I'm glad you were able to finally let all that guilt out."

"I...I shouldn't have told you. It's too much for you." He whispers.

"Christian, please turn around. I want to see you."

He takes a deep breath and faces me. I stand closer to him and I caress his face. He leans into my touch and I say, "So much pain, so much pain."

I get on my tip toes and I kiss him on the cheek. It's not a sexual kiss by any means, it's a healing kiss, it feels nice and safe and sweet. Christian kisses me back in the same way. It's not sexual for him either, I can tell.

After the kiss, we hold one another tight. We are lost in our comfort zone. Needing the healing touch that we find together in our embrace.

We break apart and Christian says, "Ana...that was... I have no words."

"I know right? It wasn't sexy or anything, it was...I have no words either."

"It was therapeutic?" Christian asks.

"Sure, therapeutic works for me." I giggle.

"I've never felt a therapeutic kiss before." Christian says with a smile.

"Well, speaking of therapeutic. There's something you need to understand Christian."

He looks at me and I take his hand and lead him back to the picnic table. He sits next to me this time as opposed to sitting across me.

"You did not kill your birth mother."

"That's not true Ana, I did kill her. I'm the one that gave her the pills." Christian says matter-of-factly.

"No Christian, you brought her medication to her in order to make her feel better. You were a child who had no way of knowing what she was going to do." I say trying to make him understand.

"Ana, I'm a bad person...I"

"Stop it Christian! Just stop it! I won't hear this! I won't! You need to stop blaming yourself for something that was entirely out of your control!"

Christian keeps his down, refusing to look at me and this time it's my turn to cup his chin. I force him to look at me and there it is, the pain, it goes so deep. There's more I can tell but I don't want to push it.

"Listen to me Christian, please. You. Were. A. Child!"

"Ana I..."

"No Christian, no! You have to let this go! You have to forgive yourself, this wasn't your fault!"

Silence.

Christian just sits there, saying nothing. He takes a few deep breaths. He's thinking again, contemplating. Oh if I only knew what he was thinking!

"Christian, please say something...please."

**CPOV**

I hear what Ana is saying, I've had many shrinks say it to me over and over and over again. I heard them but I never really listened to them.

For whatever reason, Ana's words cut through me. She manages to reach me in a way that no one has before, ever.

I can't help but think about Lelliot. My care free big brother. He tried to pull a Dr. Sean Maguire on me after watching the movie "Good Will Hunting." Lell was desperate to reach me and tried that "It's not your fault" bull shit line on me.

I thought my big brother finally snapped and I was tempted to drag him to my next therapy session...that is until I saw the movie. I then understood that it was his way of trying to help. I know it hurt him to see me so closed off when he was the complete opposite.

Open, loving, caring, silly and just the life of any party. He wanted desperately for me to open to him, I did in increments but nowhere near what he wanted.

I suppose I can try the Dr. Sean line on Ana and see if it works on her.

"You need to face up to and deal with this misguided guilt Christian."

"What about you Ana? You also have to let go of your guilt." I say with conviction.

"We're talking about you Christian, not me."

"Well, we never got to finish up with you and we will do so now Firecracker and don't try to stop me because I said 'you first' and what I say goes!"

I give her my future "I'm The Master of The Universe" stare and will her to submit to me.

We stare each other down but she does not know who she's fooling with. I've played the staring game with my brother Lell for many years and I've not lost a single stare down, ever!

It seems like hours and Ana finally says, "Ok, fine!"

Fuck me! It worked!

I'll remember this look when I become a rich CEO. Everyone will bow down to me! I'm the boss and I will let everyone know it!

Ok, you can do this Grey. Take a deep breath and go!

"Ana, it's not your fault."

"Yes it is!"

I try again.

"Ana, it's not your fault."

"It is my fault!"

Shit!

"Ana, it's not your fault."

"Why do you keep saying that?! It is my fault!"

Dammit! Thanks for nothing Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. Your shit didn't work! I have to go another route.

Think Grey, think dammit!

I got it!

"Ana, I'm going to ask you several questions and I want you to answer them. Don't think about anything else, don't say anything. Just...answer my questions. No interruptions. Can you do that for me sweetheart?"

Ana nods.

"Ana, what happened to your parents? How did they die?"

"They were hit by a drunk driver."

Ask her again Grey.

"How did they die?"

She looks at me questioningly but she answers.

"I told you. They were hit by a drunk driver."

Keep asking.

"How did they die?"

I see the tears welling up in her eyes and it's breaking my cold heart.

"They were hit by a drunk driver."

She's starting to shiver, fuck! Come on Grey, keep going!

"How did they die?"

"Christian, please don't do this." Ana pleads with me.

This is so fucked up, but I can't stop. She needs this.

"Ah-ah, you promised, no interruptions. Please sweetheart, just answer the question."

"They were hit..." Ana starts sobbing..."by a drunk driver."

"How did they die?" I ask again as I cradle her in my arms.

_You're a sick fuck Grey! Enough! Leave her be!_

"They were hit by a drunk driver."

She buries herself in my chest and cries once again. It's killing me to see her in so much pain, but at the same time I'm enjoying cradling Ana in my arms. She feels so good, this is where she belongs, with me!

_Quit being selfish Grey! Focus on the Firecracker!_

"Ana, listen to what you are saying baby. Please."

"I...I don't understand, what do you mean?"

"Your parents, Noah parents...they were killed by a dunk driver. Those are your words Ana. They came from you. You are not to blame. Do you understand?"

Ana looks up at me, confused.

"No Christian, they came home because of me. If they had stayed out, if we hadn't gotten into a fight..."

"Ana, you can't do this to yourself. This isn't living, you need to let it go. Do you think your parents would want you to live like this? Of course they wouldn't. They loved you, they want to see you happy. They wouldn't want you carrying this guilt Anastasia."

"I don't know Christian..."

"Ana, did your parents love you? Of course they did. If they were here now, if they could speak to you, they would say the same thing. I know it. I know they would!"

Ana's baby blues light up in the bluest of blues and she cracks a small smile.

"I think that goes both ways Christian. I can let go if you can. Can you do that?"

Now she's talking crazy. The Firecracker has no clue of what I have locked up deep inside of me.

"Answer me Christian, can you do that...for me please?"

Oh hell! Now what do I do?

"I can't make any promises Ana, but I'll try...for you I'll try anything."

*****Two Days Laters Baby*****

**APOV**

This week has flown! I made it! One more week and my boyfriend will be back. Back where he belongs, with me! I cannot wait to show him how I've faced my fear of the water. I really need to speak to him about Christian as well.

I can't lie to Noah, he has to know what happened between us. Lies fester and grow like a cancer. Lies destroy people and destroy lives, I don't want anything to ruin our love. Noah means everything to me and I know I mean everything to him as well.

I break out of my thoughts and meet Christian at the dock. He's usually there before me but not today. I strip off my shorts and tank top and dip my feet in the water. It feels so good, I feel so free.

I look around, still no Christian. I decide to go for it, I dive in! I make a huge splash and I'm in heaven! I did it! I did it on my own! No Christian, no safety net! I go for a swim! I take long strokes, I'm six years old and I'm a mermaid! This is great!

As I swim back to the dock I see Christian looking at me. He's angry, then in shock, his jaw is on the floor, he then looks sad. Why is that?

"Christian!" I shout! "Look at me! I can swim again! Isn't it great?"

Christian takes off his tank, oh my he's so hot. Quit staring at his package! I make note of the scars on his chest. I wonder if he will tell me about them? I don't want to force the issue but I really would like to know what happened to him. So much pain in his beautiful grey eyes.

I'm getting sad, I need to lighten the mood.

Christian dives in and I start to swim away. "I'll race you!" I shout as I get a big head start.

I can feel Christian catching up to me as we reach the halfway point, by the time we make our turn, he's taken over the lead. I refuse to give up. With new-found strength I feel a shot of adrenaline course through me, I can swim! I can swim! I'm Michael Phelps! I think to myself as I reach the dock.

Christian beat me by a hair but I have to tease him and say, "It's a tie!"

Christian laughs and says, "Oh, I don't think so Firecracker."

I hop back on the dock as does Christian.

"Well Sweetheart, I would say that you don't need a lesson today. How's about an early dinner instead?"

"Dinner sounds great Christian! I agree, I don't need a lesson today. Matter of fact, I would say your work here is done, wouldn't you?"

Christian flinches, what's wrong?

"Christian, are you ok?"

"Ana I..."

"What is it? Talk to me. Please."

"I don't want to stop seeing you, I...enjoy spending time with you Firecracker."

Oh shit, what do I do? I know what he means, I feel the same way but...I love Noah so much and I can't hurt him.

"Christian, I...I can't do this. I have a boyfriend. You know that. Look, why don't we go out to dinner and forget about everything else. I'll take my final swimming lesson with you tomorrow and we deal with it then. Right now I just want to eat, I'm starving! Can we go back to Mr. Bartley's? Their burgers are sooooo good!"

**CPOV**

How can I say 'no' to Ana? Especially when she looks at me with her big blue eyes and child like innocence.

"Sure thing sweetheart. Mr. Bartley's it is."

Ana makes me feel as if I don't have a care in the world, the darkness that is always with me dissipates when she's near. I don't know what I'm going to do with myself anymore. It's gotten to be part of my routine, wake up, morning practice, class, work out, see my sweetheart, dinner with my sweetheart, attempt to sleep through night terrors and start the day anew.

Now what the fuck am I going to do? I can't remember what life was like without her and it's only been one fucking week! Shit! Shit! Shit!

**NPOV **

I am so happy to be going home! I can't wait to see Ana! She's going to be so happy that I've arrived one week early. I've missed her so much. The workouts with the Olympic team and Olympic hopefuls was the most challenging thing I have ever done and I pride myself on pushing my limits! These guys go balls to wall! At least I know what I'm in for when and if I make the team!

Speaking of team, I wonder how our team is doing? I hope we're ready for our next race. I know I will be more than ready after the races and workouts that I've had this week. Hopefully Ana is doing well. Ana, how I long to wraps my arms around my girlfriend. I can't wait for her to wrap her sexy long legs around me, I can't wait to squeeze her curvy little butt that fits perfectly in my hand, I want to kiss her and hold her and bury myself in her, I want to get lost in...

_Ladies and gentlemen, we've come entered into a rain storm and we expect turbulence throughout the remainder of our flight. Please fasten your seat belts._

I fasten my seat belt and close my eyes, I want to sleep and dream of my Ana. I want to go home...

_Shouting, screaming, bumping, Please fasten your seat belts and prepare for a crash landing...Oh God help us! God help us all!_

No, this cannot be happening! Please God! Don't do this, please save me, not for me but for Ana! Please! She has suffered a lifetime of loss! Please!

**A/N**

**Credit to My Divine Bronze Goddess Author of Paging Dr. Steele for 'The Staring Contest' reference!**

**"It's not your fault." line credit goes to the Oscar Winning Movie, "Good Will Hunting."**

**So I recently saw the movie "Flight" starring Denzel Washington, thus the plane crash reference.**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Rosie :D**


	15. Chapter 15

**APOV**

Today is our last day of swim training, I am both sad and relieved.

"Come on Ana, focus!" Christian shouts.

"I am focused, stop being so mean!" I spit back. "Stop shouting at me!"

Christian has been very short with me today. It hurts. This is our last session together and he's ruining it!

"I'm not shouting!"

"Yes Christian, you are."

"Well, I wouldn't be shouting if you were paying attention now come on! Focus! I want you to swim a double lap, then I want you to tread water, let's go!"

Why is he like this? What did I do?

"No!" I finally shout back at him. "You know what Christian? I'm done! I don't need this, I think we both know that I'm ready! I'm fine and I don't need this attitude from you!" I swim back to the dock and jump up.

Screw him and his attitude.

**CPOV **

_Nice job shit for brains!_

Damn! What the hell am I thinking? I'm so sad, hurt and angry that this will be our last swim session and I'm taking it out on my Firecracker. That's the last thing I wanted to do!

I see her at the dock, she's done. I can tell. She's just dipping her feet in the water and her body is perfect, I see the water beading down her sexy curves. How I would love to run my tongue up and down her body.

I approach the dock and jump up sitting next to her.

"I'm sorry Ana. I didn't mean to be so short with you. I'm...well, this is our last day together and...you know, I'm going to miss you Ana."

"Christian, you will still see me. We row together, we practice together, we compete together." She says softly, did I hear her voice crack?

"That's not what I mean and you know it Firecracker."

"I know Christian, I'm just trying to make this...easier on us that's all."

Whoa what? Did she say 'easier on **_us_**?'

"Is this going to be difficult for you as well sweetheart?" God, listen to me. I'm fucking pathetic!

Come on baby, show me something, anything! Please!

"Well, I wouldn't be honest with myself if I didn't say that I'm going to miss our swim sessions as well. I'm also going to miss having dinner with you and I'm really going to miss riding on the back of that motorcycle of yours."

Fucking great!

She'll miss swimming, she'll miss food and she'll miss my ride! So much for having women falling at your feet Grey. Ana is most definitely one of a kind! She is not one to be easily caught in my sexual web.

"Fuck Ana! What about me? You'll miss swimming, dinners and my bike? What the fuck? Won't you miss me? I'm going to fucking miss you so much Ana. I never knew I had a heart until I met you and now my heart is fucking breaking dammit!"

Oh Christ! What the hell is wrong with me? I hate this shit! No one is supposed to know what I'm thinking or feeling, yet here I am, spilling my guts all over the floor! Carefull where you walk Ana, don't slip on my intestines that have been spilt all over!

I'm going to have to figure out a way to keep my shit together! I need control! I'm hopeless, fucking hopeless!

"I'll...I'll miss you too Christian but..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know."

"Christian, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Ana, I'm just trying to find the right words to say how I feel and sometimes..."

This is hopeless. I want her so bad!

**APOV**

Christian runs his fingers through his hair and I'm taken in by his profile, he is so beautiful. I remember the feeling of running my fingers through his soft silky hair. It felt so good. Easy Steele, remember Noah!

We've both been quiet for far too long, I need to break this uncomfortable silence now!

"Christian, what kind of motorcycle do you have? It's really nice but I didn't see any type of brand name. I mean, not that I know anything about motorcycles and such but you know. Is it a Harley? That's the only type I've ever heard of."

Christian suddenly turns to me and his face lights up. Yes! I guess I asked the right question. Two points for me!

"Do you really like it Ana?" Christian morphs right before my eyes, he's seven years old and it's adorable.

"Of course Christian, it's an amazing ride. So pretty and powerful!" I say with intensity.

Christian makes a funny face, "Pretty isn't exactly what I was going for when I built my ride sweetheart but powerful was, so you're forgiven." He says with a chuckle and a smile.

"Whoa, wait a minute. Did you say that you 'built' your motorcycle Christian?" I say with amazement.

"Yes, of course I did. My parents would never allow be to purchase one so I built my own."

"Wow Christian, I'm...that's just...wow!" I'm blown away.

Christian beams at me, he's happy that I'm so impressed. I can tell. I'm getting better at reading him. I like that.

"It's nice to know that I can impress you...so much so that I leave you speechless."

"It's just so..I'm in awe of you Christian. Are you a mechanic or something? Do you know people who build motorcycles? I...this is just so cool. Is your father a mechanic?"

Christian snorts, "My father, a mechanic? Not hardly."

"What do you your parents do for a living? I'm curious." I ask realizing I know very little about him.

"My father is a lawyer and my mother is a Doctor. A pediatrician to be exact. She's the one that..."

Christian stops, he was going to open up and he stopped.

Damn!

"She's the one that what Christian? Please tell me."

He's silent...

"Ok, well. Do you have any brothers or sisters? Can you answer that for me?"

"I have an older brother named Elliot and a little sister named Mia. We were all adopted. Grace, my mother had medical issues and she could not have children of her own so Carrick, my father and Grace adopted us."

"I miss my parents Christian, you're so lucky." I'm feeling sad and I don't want our last day together to end like this.

He's still thinking about what he almost shared with me, I need to lighten the mood once more.

"Tell me more about your ride. How did you do it?" I ask.

Christian's face lights up once again, "Well, I just made up my mind that I wanted a motorcycle. I was fifteen years old and I decided if my parents weren't going to allow me to have one, then I would build my own. So that's what I did."

"So you just 'decided' (I use air quotes) to build a motorcycle? Just like that? How does that work Christian? I don't get it?" I ask enthralled with what he might say.

"It's the strangest thing Firecracker. Ever since I was a child I've always been fascinated with how things work. You know, what makes them tick so to speak."

"Wow! That's pretty cool Christian."

"My sister Mia didn't think so when I decided that I wanted to know how her dolls spoke by pulling string or pressing a button. I dismantled a good amount of her dolls. She came home from school and went crying to Grace."

Oh my God, Christian is sharing a family story and he's laughing about it! This is great! I love it.

"Go on, what happened?"

"Well, Grace and Carrick were mortified. They thought I was being 'sick', you know, like I was mutilating the doll. They took me to a shrink, the first of many and they come to find out that I was merely working on the mechanics of the doll."

"Wow Christian, that's great! Did Mia forgive you?" I ask.

"Eventually. Grace convinced her the 'Dr. Christian' was going to take her dolls to surgery and make them better, so that's what I did. I took them apart and put them back together again. I've always been that way."

"Christian, you're a genius! You know that don't you? Your skills, the way your mind works it's...it's unbelievable! You're going to go far in this world 'Sir!' I can already see it!" I say as I nudge him.

**CPOV**

For whatever reason, when Ana say's 'I'm going to go far in this world' I believe her and it only makes me that much more determined to prove that she is correct in her assumption. I will never go back to being poor, I will never go back to that life, the one that left me starving as a child. Never!

I get lost in my thoughts of anger, hopelessness and determination. Ana calls me out of my thoughts. I must have a look on my face that gives me away.

Dammit!

I need to work on my impassive look. I will need it when I become a rich and powerful person.

No one will know what I'm thinking, they will always be guessing, never being able to read me, never being able to understand what I have planned. I will always be one step ahead of everyone! Never showing weakness, never showing emotion, always on top of my game.

Yes!

That will be my plan!

"Christian, you wanna know a secret?" Ana asks as she jumps back in the water and I quickly follow.

"I want to know everything that you're willing to share with me Ana, don't you know that by now?"

Fuck me!

There I go again, opening up to the Firecracker, showing my emotion and my weakness. Well, only to her and to no one else!

"When you're rowing, you're hanging at the catch." She says in a way that only a cox or a rower would understand.

"I do not!" I shout back.

"Oh yes you do. I guess it's that mind of yours. It's good when it comes to taking things apart and putting them back together, but it sucks when it comes to rowing."

"What? I don't think so Firecracker!"

"Come on!" She smiles at me, "I'll race ya!"

And with her words we swim as fast as we can! I catch up at the halfway point and easily beat her to the dock!

"Now," I say, "About me hanging at the catch..."

"You do Christian, I can see the look on your face. Your mind is thinking, you need to shut that part of your brain down when you row."

I close my eyes and picture myself on the 8-boat...

She's right! I do over think when I'm rowing. I think about my stroke, my feathering technique, my foot position...I'm shooting on all pistons! I've never had anyone critique my rowing skills as am the best rower out there.

I do recall Angie, er I mean Coach Bowness saying something similar to what Ana said, but me being the complete asshole, knowing that I was and am the best, didn't feel that I needed any type of advice.

That thought of course was blown out of the water when I decided to go out and scull one night. I saw Coach Angie in a scull and she was a complete bad ass in the water! I remember someone mentioning that she won the silver in the women's quad at the World championships.

"Fine, you are correct. I do tend to over think things. So I hang at the catch?"

"Yes, just let go Christian. Let it happen naturally. You can lead anyone with your skills, don't you see that?"

I close my eyes and her words reverberate in my mind..._Just let go Christian. Let it happen naturally. You can lead anyone with your skills, don't you see that?_

The only problem with her words are that I don't think of rowing, I think of fucking Ana! Damn this girl! Everything she says and does takes me back to sex!

"Christian, are you ok? What are you thinking?" The Firecracker asks.

I open my eyes and I'm filled with lust. I take in Ana looking so beautiful and wet and I know she has an idea of where my fucked up mind has gone because she's blushing all over. I decide to go for it.

"Oh sweetheart, do you really want to know what I'm thinking at this very moment?" I purr.

"Uh, on second thought...no. Let's swim!"

We swim a few more laps and I know our time is almost over. As we swim towards the dock I can see someone there, waiting for us.

Ugh, it's bitchy Bree.

Ana and I reach the dock and Bree says, "So here you are and how convenient that I've located you both...together. Isn't that lovely?" Bree's voice drips with sarcasm.

"What is it Bree? What the hell do you want?" I spit.

"Easy there tiger, Team Captain Tik wanted to me remind everyone that we're having a karaoke party tonight. Relax your loins Grey!"

And with those words, Bree leaves in a huff.

I shout out to her, "Stop calling me Tiger, it's Christian or Mr. Grey to you!"

Ana hops on the dock, "I guess our training time is over, Mr. Grey."

"Whoa, I'm Christian to you sweetheart, never Mr. Grey. Although 'Sir' sounded pretty hot coming out of that sweet mouth of yours."

"Christian, did you and Bree...well, are you and her...oh God. Never mind. It's none of business."

Christ, I'm an open book with this woman! She can see right through me! Damn she's good!

"Ana, it was one time. It's my biggest regret, she wants something more from me, I can't give her what I am not capable of giving."

"What does she want?"

"More. A relationship, something I'm not capable of. I'm fucked up Ana but as much as I know that, I want more with you, not with her, never with anyone else, ever."

"Christian, please stop. Don't say that."

"Fuck, I know, I know. You and the Golden Boy." I say with frustration.

"Wait, what? The Golden Boy?" Ana giggles.

"Yes, he's perfect for you. Golden blonde hair, always happy, good-looking. Yes, I'm secure enough in my manhood that I can appreciate the fact that he is good-looking I suppose. If you like that type."

"I...I love that type Christian."

"Fuck! I know!" I shout and Ana flinches.

Nice job Grey, you scared the shit out of her.

"Well, I better go. I'll see you tonight?" Ana asks and it sounds like she's wishing I would go to the get together this tonight.

_Not bloody likely!_

"I can't go Ana. It would be torture for me. Seeing you there, happy, talking with everyone, all those fuckers wanting to be near you. I would want all your attention. I couldn't share you with anyone. I'd want you all to myself. It would drive me nuts because all I'd want to do is take you in my arms and..."

_Shit! Shut it Grey! You're so fucking whipped!_

"Well then," Ana says as she stands up. "I guess I'll see you when you when I see you huh?"

Fuck that sounds awful.

"Yes, I suppose so. Ana?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think I can have a hug? I won't try anything, I promise." I hold up my 'Scouts Honor' salute, not that I've ever been a fucking Boy Scout! Far fucking from it in every way. I would have been kicked out for trying to fuck all the girl scout leaders!

"Yes, I suppose a hug would be ok." Ana says as she approaches me and I brace myself.

I need to see if what happened in this week with her breaching my no-go zone was just a fluke or if I can really tolerate her touch. This will be different. I know full well that she will be touching me where no one has touched me before.

I open my arms and she walks into them, she nuzzles her face in my chest and I feel it...the warmth shoots through my body and I fucking love it. She feels great, I lower my head and inhale her seductive scent. I feel myself getting hard and Ana starts to squirm as she quickly backs away from me.

"I'll see you later Christian." Ana says in a soft somewhat despondent sounding voice.

"Ana, good-bye."

Neither Christian nor Ana had been aware that they were being watched. Someone witnessed their intimate moment. It seemed innocent enough but there was something there and the spectator needed to know exactly what it was...

**A/N**

**Thanks to everyone for all the lovely reviews, I really do try to respond to them but I'm sure you'd much prefer that I write my story in order to not keep you waiting for the next update. I've been on a roll lately as you can tell.**

**I'm still working on my first story (Meet At Graduation) as I need it to come to a close, I just haven't found my mojo for it.**

**In the meantime...**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Rosie :D**


	16. Chapter 16

**APOV**

I run full force towards Grey Hall, running to try to escape these feelings that chase me. I miss Noah so much but I cannot help but feel that there is something happening between myself and Christian. He's made it perfectly clear how he feels and I've shut him down. It's best that we say good-bye and no longer have these moments alone together. It's much too dangerous for me.

How am I going to explain this when Noah returns. I can't lie to him. I've already mislead him by not telling him the truth about what happened to our parents and in all honesty, I need to open up to him about that as well.

Our relationship is much too important for me to keep these kind of secrets. Noah deserves better than that, much better!

I'm breathless when I reach my room.

Holly is on her way out. "Hey Ana, don't forget about karaoke tonight. You are coming right? It's going to be blast!"

I should go, it would help to get my mind off of Christian.

"Yup, I'll be there."

"Cool! See ya!"

I hit the shower and get ready for tonight.

*****One Hour Laters Baby*****

I'm sitting at a table with Carolyn, Holly, Mallory and some of the other girls from the rowing team and they are actually being nice to me. I wonder what gives?

"I'm going to grab a flavored water, does anyone want anything? Ana?" Carolyn asks as she stands up.

I look up at Carolyn and smile, that girl has legs for days, "I'm good Carolyn, thanks."

She walks towards the cooler and grabs a few waters, I can't help but watch the boy's team ogle her.

I must have let out a deep sigh because Holly asks me, "What's up 'Kid?' "

I can't help but giggle, "I'm just looking at Carolyn. She's so strong and confident. I wish that I was as secure as her."

"Don't let the picture fool you Ana. Carolyn's had some struggles of her own ya know."

"Oh?" I want to know what Holly's talking about but I don't want to be 'catty' and gossip.

"I'm sure Carolyn won't mind if I share this with you, the entire team knows about it."

"Do tell."

"Well, in case you haven't noticed, Carolyn is black."

I smile and say, "Yes, I know. What does that have to do with anything? She's a strong rower. I've seen her in action, she's a machine!"

"Yes, you know that, I know that. Hell the entire team knows that. It's just that our Coach...well, our former Coach had 'issues' with people of color."

My jaw drops, do people actually still feel this way? Are people really that stupid?

"Oh God, what happened?"

"Well, Coach Hyde tried to...you know, make a move on her and basically it was Carolyn's word against a 'respectable' coach's word."

"Oh no, what happened?"

"Carolyn is a sharp cookie, she had a computer tech friend of hers set up a sting operation and caught him cold! Now we have Coach Angie and she's the best!"

"Wow, that's a lot for me to digest."

"I know, I just thought you should know. We all have many layers Ana."

"Yes," I can't help but think of my parents and my God parents. "I guess we do."

"Ok everyone, let's start the singing!" Captain Tik yells out and the bad singing, cheesy songs and over the top performances begin!

I keep checking my phone in the hopes that Noah will call or text. I've not heard anything from him since that one phone call.

I suddenly have the feeling that Christian is here! My head shoots up and I scan the room. Nope, I don't see him but I certainly can feel him. Oh geez, what the heck is wrong with me? Now I think that I can 'sense' when he's here? Get a grip Steele! I need help! Ugh!

"I'll be back, I'm going to the ladies room."

The girls manage a slight nod as they can't stop laughing and they can't take their eyes off of the boys rowing team, they're singing a mash-up of songs and I have to admit, it is hysterical watching these rowing studs sing and dance to, "Man I Feel Like A Woman, Call Me Maybe and Put A Ring On It!"

I that feeling again, I feel eyes on me. I look around but don't see anyone. This is so strange!

The guys have just finished their performance as I return from the ladies room when a tall good-looking guy jumps on the stage and does the neck shaking finger snap.

He says, "Puh-lease! Let me show you how it's _**really**_ done ladies!"

Holy cow, this guy is good...too good. He has to be _fabulous_! My code word for gay. He's got the moves down and wow! He's a great singer and dancer. We all go crazy, clapping and cheering him on!

There's something familiar about him, he's quite good-looking but that's not it. I feel as though I know him somehow.

He starts by singing, 'Barbie Girl' then continues with 'Milk Shake' but he tops off his finale with the pièce de résistance 'It's Raining Men' and he's bloody brilliant!

Team Captain Tik approaches the stage and takes the microphone from our 'visitor' and says, "Ok everyone, that's it for tonight!

"Wait!" The visitor yells and grabs the mic from Tik. "Can one of you strong-looking men or women I suppose help me? I'm looking for a friend of mine. He goes by the name of Jake."

The visitor scans the room and his eyes stop on me. He pushes the mic back into Tik's hand and says, "Banana? Ana Banana is that you?"

"Jose? Oh my gosh Jose!"

"Banana!" Jose squeals and jumps off the stage prancing towards me. "I don't believe it baby! How the hell are you?"

Carolyn smiles and says, "You know this guy '_**Banana'**_?" Carolyn stresses the word banana.

"Yup, we were good friends in pre-school and kindergarten back in Portland. Then we lost touch and moved to Seattle."

"Wait," Carolyn says, "Let me get this straight, you haven't seen him since kindergarten?"

"No, but he recently found me on Facebook and let's face it, Jose is not the type of person you forget!"

I've noticed that everyone has left except Carolyn so I introduce them to each other.

Jose doesn't waste anytime. He gives Carolyn 'air kisses' and says, "Enchanté Mademoiselle Carolyn."

Carolyn replies without missing a beat, "Le plaisir est pour moi."

"Ok guys, can we keep this in English s'il vous plaît?" I say as I smile at my buddy Jose.

"No worries, Banana. I'm outta here." Carolyn says as she struts her stuff out the door.

Jose and I catch up on what we've been up to and I fill him in with what happened to my parents. I cry for a bit but Jose manages to cheer me up.

"So Jose, tell me about Jake. I'm surprised that you're asking for him. He's not gay...is he?"

"Of course he is! Only he won't admit it to himself. He puts on this macho persona and attempts to make his move on any female with a pulse!"

"Jake, The Snake is gay? Would have thought?"

"Well, snake is right if you're referring to his sweet tongue or his long and strong...

"Enough Jose! I get it!" I giggle at him.

"Sorry Banana, but the man has some amazing skills. He has me absolutely, positively dicmatized in every way!

"Dicmatized huh? I must have read that some where because I used that word earlier!" I say as I giggle. "Jake is gay? I'm still having trouble believing that especially after he tried to..."

Shoot! I stop myself. Jose doesn't need to know. Crap, the look on his face says he does know.

"Wait a minute Banana, don't tell me. Did he try to..."

"Yup, but I introduced my knee to his 'Little Friend' and I haven't seen him since. He dropped out of rowing. I believe he's still attending his classes but his rowing career at Harvard is pretty much over."

"Wow, what a shame. I was sooooo looking forward to seeing him in his uni! Oh well. Listen Banana, I really have to go. I met some really cool guys on campus and we're going out for some fun tonight! Give me your cell number and I'll be in touch ok? Toodles Banana!"

Wow! What a crazy day and evening I've had today. I think to myself as I walk to Grey Hall. Grey Hall...could there be a connection to Christian and Grey Hall. His family appears to be quite affluent. Hmmmm...

I dig into my jeans pocket when I realize that I forgot my phone.

Shoot!

**CPOV**

Well the good news is that the Firecracker never spotted me tonight, the bad news is that I had to sit through some shitty, annoying music and some God awful performances!

What the fuck?! How can people do that? How can they get up and sing making complete asses of themselves. What a bunch of idiots! Although even I have to admit that the final performer was pretty good. He really had a great voice and the guy can dance.

Maybe I'm just thinking this way because I find myself slightly inebriated. I should not have had that last beer. Oh fuck it! Who cares? Who cares about anything?! My sweetheart is gone, she's not mine even though I know we fucking belong together. Life sucks!

I scan the room and notice a piano, it's calling me. What can I do but reply...I take a seat and hit the keys. I play some lame ass tune that has been in my head these many nights that I've been alone, thinking about my _**sweetheart**_.

_I've been trying to do it right_

_I've been living a lonely life_

_I've been sleeping here instead_

I've been sleeping in my bed,

_I've been sleeping in my bed_

_So show me family_

_All the blood that I will bleed_

_I dunno where I belong_

_I dunno where I went wrong_

_But I can write a song_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, **you're my sweetheart**_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, **you're my sweet**_

_**I don't think you're right for him**_

_Think of what it might have been if you_

_Took a bus to China Town_

_I'd be standing on Canal And Bowery_

_And she'd be standing next to me_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, **you're my sweetheart**_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, **you're my sweetheart**_

_Love we need it now_

_Let's hope for some Cause oh, we're bleeding out_

_I belong with you, you belong with me,** you're my sweetheart**_

_I belong with you, you belong with me, **you're my sweet**_

Holy fuck I was singing! I scan the room, I don't see anyone but I swear I feel Anastasia's eyes on me. Shit! I'm going crazy! Crazy for my Firecracker!

Is that a thud I just heard? I jump to my feet...

**APOV**

Ah ha! There's my phone! Whew! Now I can head back and...wait a second, what's that sound...is someone playing the piano? I sneak in quietly and holy hell! It's Christian, he's the one playing the piano! Is there anything that he cannot do? I quietly take a seat out of his view while I watch and listen. He plays so well!

Holy moly! He can sing too! Oh good God! It's The Lumineers' song "Ho Hey!"

Gah!

He's slightly slurring his words, could he be drunk? He stresses the word 'sweetheart'...is he thinking about me when he's singing?

_No shit Steele! Even you aren't that clueless! What's it going to take to make you see that Christian Grey is crazy about you?!_

I shake those thoughts from my head and listen to his voice. I have my elbows on the table with my hands cupping my chin. I swear I'm swooning. I feel faint, his voice seeps deep into my pores, burrowing deep into my soul, piercing me...

**THUD!**

"Shit!"

I look up and I see Christian smiling down at me. He's boasting the most silliest face splitting grin that I have ever seen. He extends his hand, I take it and he pulls me up.

Drunk or not, the pull is still there.

"Anastaycha! Ferrrcracker, what ya doin' her? Donya godda go be with your, you know...that Mister Goldie fucking Locks?"

"Christian, are you ok?"

"Course m' ok! M' better thank ok! M' fine, I can't fucking feel my heart breaking anymore! It's fucking great! Oh yeah, Goldilocks isn't back yet but you no wanna see me anymore. We still had another week but noooooooo, you no wanna see me no more!"

Holy crap, Christian is wasted! I hate to ask but I need to know.

"Christian, did you drive over here?"

He looks offended.

"Course not! I drinking. That is waaaaaaay to dangerous, people get hurt like that...oh Fuck! So sorry Ferrcracker. Shit."

"No, it's ok Christian. I'm just glad you didn't drive. Let's get you home."

Twenty minutes later after calling a cab, I get Christian to his place and all I can say is 'Wow!' He has a small fully loaded apartment.

I help him to his bedroom which isn't easy since he's not steady on his feet.

"Come on Christian, let's get you to bed." I say as help him.

"Now yer talkin' baby! Let's go." He says as he smiles at me.

"No Christian, we're getting you in bed. You need to sleep this off."

"I'll seep it off way better if you seep wif me, **_you're my sweetheart_**! D'you like my singing ferrcracker? I'll sing in front of all those fuckers! I don't care if I make an ass of me, I will do it if you will be mine Ana...be mine Ferrcracker..."

Hiccup!

Christian hiccups and I ignore his comment. He needs to sleep.

I untie his shoes and remove his dress shirt. Oh holy moly. That chiseled defined chest.

"Christian, do you have any pain medication? Advil or something?"

"Kitchen cabinet, third one on the left." He says as he laughs out loud.

I walk away and he shouts, "Remember to come back and tuck me in! I wanna a good night kiss Ferrcracker."

Oh Lord, help me.

I get the Advil and a glass of water. I walk in and Christian is squirming in an attempt to remove his pants. I don't mind, he's more exposed in his uni rather than in his boxers. I put his shoes in his closet and when I return I see it..all in slow "Oh Dear Sweet Baby Jesus Help Me Now" motion!

Christian's '_**Happy Trail**_!' Christian goes fucking 'commando!'

His right hand is on the side next to him and his left hand is dragging down his pants showing the beginnings of his oh so happy trail.

His fingers are on the outside of his jeans grabbing his crotch. His thumb is inside his jeans and possibly touching the tip of his penis...who the fuck am I kidding? Of course his thumb is touching his penis, the man is 'blessed!'

"No Christian! Wait!"

"What's wrong baby, don'tcha wanna see what I have to offer you?"

"No, get under the sheets Christian."

He does so without complaining.

"Uh Ana? Have you ever wanted something so bad but you know...it's impossible, you just can't have it?"

My parents and God parents immediately come to mind and I quickly reply, "Yes, oh God yes."

Christian shoots up and shouts, "Oh God, thank you!"

Boom! He's on me. Crushing my body with his and he's kissing me.

Holy fuck!

I want to break away but I can't. It's as though he's a magnet and I'm steel.

Yes, the irony of that statement is not lost on me!

"No Christian, please." I say as I push him away. "We can't."

Christian sits up from the bed and crosses his arms like a petulant child. He's like a six-year-old before me.

"Why Ana? Why not? S'not fair Ana, you're mine! You belong to me! Why can't you see that sweetheart? Why?"

Oh God, what do I do? I back away from the bed and just stare at him, I have no words. Christian smiles and starts singing, "I belong to you, you belong to me, your my sweetheart!"

Wow, he's really gone.

"Do you like my singing Ana, I can do more than sing if you let me show you baby." He lies down and pats the spot on the bed next to him.

I turn to give him some advil. I really need to get out of here before...

Snoring...Zzzzzz...

Wow! He's out for the count! Thank goodness for that! I leave the advil and water on his nightstand. He'll definitely need it in the morning!

I call for a cab and head back home. This has been a very crazy day! I approach Grey Hall and dig in my bag for my key.

"Hey Ana." I hear a familiar voice call out to me.

It's Noah! He's back!

**A/N**

**I couldn't kill off Noah, I love his character! Just a friendly reminder that in this A/U story, Elena does not exist.**

**Did you like 'Drunk Christian?' Throw me a bone and let me know what you think.**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	17. Chapter 17

**APOV**

I see Noah's beautiful face and I run towards him. He opens his arms and I jump on him, wrapping my legs around his waist.

I kiss him all over and he says, "Wow! What a welcome! If I would have known that I would be greeted like this, I would leave more often." Noah laughs and kisses me in return.

"Don't you dare Noah! I've missed you so much!"

We kiss each other long and hard. His lips against mine feel like home and I am safe once again. Noah always makes me feel safe. It's what I've been missing since he's been gone.

For whatever reason I find that my heart is in pain and I start to cry.

"Hey Ana, it's ok. I'm here now. I won't leave you anymore. I'm so sorry." He coos as he gently puts me down.

"I want you Noah. Holly is out for the night. Let's go to my room." I say as I pull him by his hand.

"Oh Ana that's just what I need after a long night, day and night of non stop crazy travel." He says as his voice cracks.

"What is it Noah, are you ok? What happened?" I ask with concern. I look in his eyes and he seems sad.

"The connecting flight was pretty scary and...you know what? It doesn't matter, what matters is that I am back with you. Let's go to your room Ana. I need you so much!"

We run to my room and I lock the door, "I'll be right back Noah." I say as I run to the bathroom and 'freshen' up for my boyfriend. When I return I see Noah leaning up against the wall, his pants are down and he's covering his cock and Holy Hell! I am reminded as to why I love him so...I know I'm sounding rather shallow but he is quite a sight to behold!

Noah looks to me, smiles and says, "Say anything you like Ana?"

"No." I reply as I approach him, "But if you remove your hands I'm sure I will see something that I LOVE."

And with those words, our bodies reunite, making up for lost time...but where is my soul?

*****Two Hours Later*****

My poor Noah, he was so exhausted. He knocked out right after we fooled around. He's lying down and I'm lying on his chest. I look up at him. He's so beautiful, he looks so peaceful, sleeping like a baby.

It felt so good to orgasm with Noah. I really needed it in the worst way.

_Yes, why is that? Why the urgency to come with Noah? Feeling a little guilty? Did you need to know that you could still come with Noah. Did you even come with Noah? I think not because when you came you closed your eyes and saw a certain grey eyed hottie hovering above you!_

I shake those unwanted thoughts from my head. Sleep I need sleep. We have practice in the morning and I need my rest!

*****Weld Boathouse Charles River*****

"Ok ladies and gentleman, check the line-ups and get to your boats!" Coach Bowness shouts.

"Grey!" Coach shouts once again.

I turn and see Coach and Christian exchange a few words. Coach smiles and Christian smiles right back. I wonder what's up?

I check the line up and I can see that I'm coxing the 8-boat and Christian is my stroke. I wish Noah was here so he could be my stroke but the flight and time change was too much for him.

"Shit!" I shout out unexpectedly.

"Not happy about me being your stroke Ana?" I turn and see Christian with a huge smile on his face.

"No Christian, it's not that, it's just. We've not practiced together. Well, I mean not on the boat anyway."

"I understand that, Coach Bowness told me that you have an unorthodox way of coxing."

"I do Christian, my calls are unlike any other cox, it's just my way so I hope you can work with me."

"I'd like nothing more than to work with you Anastasia." He purrs.

Oh sweet Jesus, please help me! The way he says 'Anastasia.' Oh Lordy.

"Oh, and Anastasia," Shit, please don't say my name like that! "Thanks for the Advil. I'm sorry about last night...well, in all actuality I'm not sorry but I feel I should apologize for my behavior."

"No worries Christian." I say as I flash back to Christian and his happy trail.

Dammit Steele focus!

"Let's go Team Steele!" I shout as my rowers strip off their shirts, sweats and shorts.

I have Tik, Smills, Sam, and Loopsie as my "Strong Four." They've not let me down. Hopefully Christian can work with them. Gobears, Sonnie and Briggs round out my 8-boat.

"Ok guys, ready positions." I say as I settle in with my call box.

I face forward and take everyone in, my last look will be of my stroke. I look at Christian and my damn eyes deceive me. They go right for the money. Forgive me Lord for staring at his package yet again! Gah!

Focus Steele, focus!

"Ok Christian, here's what we do. My Power calls start out with a 'Power One' and then I jump to increments of five. Are we clear?"

"Ana, there is no such thing as a 'Power One' stroke rate." He says as he positions himself. I'm watching his muscles flex as he grabs his oar.

Damn!

"Listen, there is such thing as a 'Power One' stroke rate when you are in my boat as my stroke seat are we clear!" I say in my commanding cox voice.

"Ok Ana, whatever you say." He responds in an icy manner.

"Good, just think about the power ten stroke rate and kick down nine notches."

"I said 'Ok' Ana."

"I know what you said, but you're over thinking again. Stop it!"

"Christ Ana the race hasn't even started, will you give me a damn break!"

"Fine! Ready positions rowers!" I shout

We wait for the horn and we're off!

"Power one!" I shout as Christian keeps the pace slow but even.

Stacie's crew has a small lead and I can tell that they immediately went for a high stroke rate. I love when they do that, they always come out hard and fast and right when you should give it your all, when you think you have nothing left to give, that's when you dig deep.

I take no prisoners as a cox! I ride my team hard and fast, I expect my team to leave everything out on the water! If at least one person doesn't throw up, then I'm not doing my job!

Wow, look at Christian's arms ripple as they row, hot diggity dog does he look good!

"Ana, wake up!" Christian shouts. "I need to pick up my stroke rate!"

Holy crap! Where the hell did I go?

"Power ten, now!" I shout.

I feel like I'm in a Star Wars movie as our boat goes into 'warp speed!' The high that you get from feeling a boat glide, more like 'fly' across the water is addicting! You feel the wind against you! It's awesome!

I'm watching my team and they are all in sync. They look marvelous! I look to Christian and I can see that he's over thinking again, dammit!

He keeps hanging at the catch!

**CPOV**

Focus on your stroke rate Grey! Quit looking at her in that cute little white uni. Yes, she looks amazing but you have a job to do and you can't let her down!

I hope I didn't make too much of an ass of myself last night!

Shit!

I can't drink like that! It's too dangerous for me, I let my guard down. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about! I **_always _**let my guard down with the Firecracker.

She my addiction, my drug and I need a fix of her so bad. Look at that face, that long neck, the rise and fall of her soft breasts...Oh Christ! No! Not now 'Big Guy!'

"Christian, focus! You're hanging at the catch!"

Christ! Right now I'd give anything for the 'Big Guy' to be hanging and not saluting! Shit!

I focus and will the 'Big Guy' to go down, which thankfully, he does! I keep my focus, keep my mind clear, I'm rowing, even stroke rate. Keep everyone in sync. We've got this!

The next thing I know, I hear the horn and I noticed that we won by more than two boat lengths! That's pretty amazing! Our races are usually much closer than that.

I see a few of my team members hurling their guts out. I guess Ana wouldn't be doing her job if at least one person didn't hurl. To this day, I've not thrown up! I pride myself on that!

Ana is smiling and before you know it we are back at the dock when I hear Sam say, "Let's do it! We've been waiting for this!"

Ana is horrified, the fear coming back as Sam lifts her out of the boat.

I quickly jump out and say, "NO!"

Everyone freezes, I guess I shouted with a little too much fervor. Fuck it! It did the job! I walk calmly to Sam and take Ana from his arms. "I'm the Stroke, I'll carry Ana."

"Uh sure, no problem Christian." Sam says as we all walk to the water.

"Thank you Christian, I'm still a little scared." She whispers.

"Shhhh, it's ok. I'm right here if you need me ok? Now brace yourself, I'm going to throw you in. Are you ready?" I ask.

"Ready as I'll ever be Christian, just please stay near...just in case"

Ana takes a deep breath and you can hear everyone say, "Dunk her! Dunk her! Throw her in Christian!"

It really is fun for them but they have no clue how fucked up it really is for Ana. I'm tempted to just walk away with her in my arms and keep walking until I get to my place and have my way with her.

Since I can't do that, I say, "Of course I'll stay near. Here goes sweetheart!" And I toss her in ready to retrieve her if needed.

Ana's tiny body makes a huge splash and the entire team breaks out in applause. Ana pops her head up and says, "The water feels great! I think I'll go for a swim!"

And with those words, Ana is off and swimming. I can't be more proud of her as I watch her swim from the dock.

"Grey." I hear someone say and I turn to see who is calling me.

Fuck! He's back!

"Shepherd." I say and try not to sound annoyed.

That fucker has what I want, he has what should be mine!

"I saw the end of your race. You guys did great." The Golden Boy says, though I noticed he lacked his usual charm and enthusiasm.

"Thanks," I say, "It was a tough race."

"No it wasn't, you smoked the other two 8-boats."

We both look away from each other and watch as Ana returns.

Come to me Ana, come to me!

**APOV**

As I approach the dock I see someone standing next to Christian. It's Noah! He made it! I mentioned that I was racing this morning but I told him not to worry if he missed it. He needed his rest.

I jump on the dock and run towards Noah. I launch myself at him, I don't care that I'm wet or that I'm getting him wet.

"Noah!" I shout as I kiss him. "I'm so glad you made it! Did you catch the end of the race?"

"Hey baby, I did! You were perfect and look at you? You're swimming now! That's amazing! I can't believe it!"

"Well, I didn't do it on my own. Christian helped me."

Noah's eyes look to Christian and suddenly I the feel tension in the air.

Oh shit! I've not really had a chance to tell Noah about this, it wasn't like I was keeping it a secret. I tried to tell him during our single phone call and last night there really wasn't time and then this morning we had our race.

"Well." Noah says with an air of annoyance, "Thanks for helping **_my girlfriend_** out Grey. Please, let me pay you for your time and trouble."

Noah takes out his wallet and I see a mound of bills, holy shit! He never carries around such a large amount of money. What the hell is going on here?

**CPOV**

"Hey baby, I did! You were perfect and look at you? You're swimming now! That's amazing! I can't believe it!" Noah's voice changes now. He's returned to his cheerful sounding self but there's something there, something...different.

"Well, I didn't do it on my own. Christian helped me." Ana says rather quietly.

That's right Ana, tell him the truth!

Noah's looks to me and his eyes turn cold. That's right, it was me. I helped her when you couldn't. I can't help but revel in my victory, tiny as it is but it's all I got!

"Well." Noah says clearly upset with Ana's revelation, "Thanks for helping **_my girlfriend_** out Grey. Please, let me pay you for your time and trouble."

Well, well, well, seems like The Golden Boy wants to play. What an ass, offering to try to pay me for my 'time and trouble' that I spent with Ana!

What a fucker!

Maybe he's not all sunshine, rainbows and unicorns! It would be much easier if he stayed this way, an insecure over protective boyfriend.

If Ana were mine I would never do that! I would let her be her own person and I would not be insecure like this guy. I would give her all the freedom she needs! Somehow Ana doesn't seem like to the type to just do as she is told. She is very spirited and wouldn't take crap from anyone!

I can already tell that Ana is horrified at Noah's offer as well, but then something happens. She changes from the confident person before me to someone slightly insecure.

Why is that?

Does she think I should be paid for what I did?

Bull shit!

I need to get that ugly thought out of her head right now! Sorry Noah but I'm going in for the kill. I hope Ana can forgive me!

"Really Noah, you're going to offer me money for spending time with Ana? Honestly that's not necessary. Ana is wonderful company and I enjoyed every minute we spent together...trust me."

Ana is uncomfortable and starts shifting her feet.

"Christian, Noah is right. It didn't occur to me that I should have been paying you for your help. Please forgive me and please take the money."

That fucker is attempting to hand me a wad of what looks like hundred-dollar bills and what's more, he's taking away Ana's self-confidence at the same time. Making her think that I want to be paid for spending time with her.

Ok Noah, you want to go there, let's do it!

"I tell you what. How about we do this, you take that money that you planned on giving to me and donate it to Ana' favorite charity.

"Come on Grey just take it." Noah pleads.

Sorry guy, you're going down for this one and then you'll have to deal with the fall out. Ana won't like this at all!

"No thanks Shepherd." I say as I back up, preparing to walk away. "Like I said, a favorite charity of Ana's choice and we are good. Later."

I turn and walk away. Each step I take more painful than the other, as I leave the woman who I care for so deeply, with the man that she claims to love.

Fuck!

**APOV**

I'm hurt and embarrassed at the same time. Why would Noah offer Christian money to help me? He didn't do it for the money. I know he didn't but still, a tiny part of me wonders if he should have been reimbursed for his time and trouble.

Noah takes my hand I follow him silently, confused with my thoughts. I want to talk to Noah about this but not right now, it isn't a good time. Though I'm not sure if there will ever be a good time to discuss this. I've never felt uncomfortable speaking to Noah about anything, he's changed...or have I?

I don't know, he just seems different.

"Noah, why did you offer money to Christian? What he did, he did out of the goodness of his heart."

"Ana, I really am sorry. I'm making you doubt yourself aren't I? Believe when I say that wasn't my intent. I just think he's after more than just a friendship with you Ana. I liked the guy in the beginning but now when he looks at you I see it. He wants you Ana. You know that don't you?"

Oh shit! It's out now and I have to talk to him. We need to be honest if we want this work.

"Noah, I do know that."

"You do?"

"Yes, he told me so." I say quietly. "But I don't want him Noah, I want you. I love you Noah. You know that don't you?"

"Ana, let's sit." He surveys the area to make sure we are alone and we sit at the dock, our feet dipping in the water. I'm still in my white uni and I'm still wet. Noah is wearing a tank and some swim trunks. Perhaps I'll show him what I can do and he can join me in the water.

Noah takes a deep breath and say, "Ana please forgive me but, outside of practice and competition, I would prefer if you didn't see Christian."

Whoa, where did that come from.

"Noah, I only saw Christian when we went swimming and then we'd grab a bit to eat afterwards is all." I say quietly.

Noah takes another deep breath and asks, "Did you kiss him?"

**A/N**

******And therein lies the question! What will Ana say and do?**

**I forgot to say 'thank you' to my beautiful FB group that picked the songs that the rowing team and my lovely "Gay Jose" performed in Chapter 16, so thanks ladies, you know I love you!**

**Laters Baby!**

**Rosie :D**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N**

**Oh my gosh! So I had the best but much too brief conversation with my girl Nickole and she kindly informed me that the Charles River is not one to be swum in! It's typically referred to as "Dirty Charles." Ha! Ha! My bad!**

**Also I know it's probably much too cold for Christian and Ana to swim in the evening much less at night but because I live in beautiful Sunny Southern California where my beaches and harbors are relatively clean and you can swim in the evening and at night, let's just relax our minds and 'go there' for the sake of my story.**

**Much love and hugs Nickole! You were my very first voice contact from our FSOG Cyber World! I love your East Coast accent!**

**I have to give one more shout out because I love me thepumpkinqueen712! This is for you love and may you _always_ have endless amounts of Dove Soap at your disposal! I love you babe!**

**On with my story!**

**APOV**

Noah takes another deep breath and asks, "Did you kiss him?"

Better be honest Steele, "I didn't kiss him Noah, he kissed me. I told him both times that...

"Both times!? _**Both**_ times?! You mean to fucking tell me that he kissed you more than once and you _**still**_ went swimming with him?! What the fuck Ana?!"

Noah rarely swears so hearing him speak like that and spew those words at me really hurts. Take a deep breath and breathe Steele. It's going down right here right now so armor up!

Oh gosh here we go.

"It wasn't like that Noah, well...not for me anyway." I say quietly. "I pushed him away both times!"

Noah takes a deep breath and I know he's trying to keep his cool.

Shit, how would I feel if he did this to me? He has every right to be angry with me.

"Ana, let's turn the tables here. How would you feel if it was me. If I was the one that got kissed by a girl and I pushed her away and yet, I still saw her if she was helping me with something. How would that make you feel?"

And there it is, Noah's turning the tables on me and now I have to own up and face it! I take a deep breath and go for it.

"I wouldn't like it all. Matter of fact, I probably would have wanted to bitch slap any girl who tried anything on you. Especially if she knew that you were off the market."

"And this is _**exactly**_ how I feel about Grey! Can you please just understand what I mean and how I feel about this?"

Noah is right. I shouldn't have seen him after he kissed me. I know better than that and since I do know better, I need to give him full disclosure.

"Noah, there is one more thing I have to tell you." I murmur

Noah takes a deep breath, "Oh Jesus Ana, please tell me you didn't..."

I immediately know where his thoughts are going and I shut him down at once. How can he think that of me?

_He thinks that because you've dreamt that Christian was above you while Noah was making love to you that's why dummy!_

"No! Of course not Noah! Never!" I shout.

Noah's shoulders sag and he lets out deep sigh of relief. What am I doing to him? After all he's done for me, this is how I treat him?! I feel like shit! He deserves better than this.

The only reprieve that I can offer is to show him that my spending time with Christian was time well spent in the water. The idea comes to mind at once.

"Hey guys," Noah and I both turn to see long-legged beautiful Carolyn looking at us. "Tik wanted me to you remind you of karaoke night tonight. You guys are coming right?"

"Yes, we will be there." I say quickly. I didn't want Noah to shut that down. We need to be out together, we need to be seen together, I need to show Noah that we are still together.

"Cool, see ya later Noah, Banana." Carolyn says as she giggles and walks away.

The mood changes slightly, it's not so tense. Noah looks at me questioningly as says, "Banana?"

"Yes, it's a long story. I'll fill you in tonight. For now, let me show you what I can do."

I jump off of the dock and take my usual lap, the one Christian mapped out for me. I'm free and it feels great! I turn and I can see Noah standing. He's watching me with a huge smile on his face. Yes, he's happy for me. Happy that I can swim now, with out the fear.

Once I reach him I shout, "Why don't you join me Noah?"

"I think I will baby." He strips off his tank, kicks off his flip-flops and dives in.

Once he's next to me I reach out to him for a kiss.

"See Noah, see what I can...No! No! No!"

I go under once more.

"Ana! Ana! Ana!" I can hear Noah shouting as he reaches for me. I'm going down, down, down...

*****Thirty Minutes Later*****

"Ana, talk to me. Are you alright?"

It's Noah, he's here. Where am I?

"Yes Noah, I'm fine. Where am I?" I ask as I see blue skies above me.

"We're here Ana, at the dock. You had another panic attack."

Shit!

I realize I'm laying on my back and I bring my hands to my face and say, "No, no, no! All that work for nothing! I was doing so good Noah! I mean...you saw me right? It wasn't a dream...was it? I was really swimming wasn't I?"

"You really were swimming Ana, it wasn't a dream. Let's go to my place and get you showered, we can go out for a bite to eat and then we can talk. What do you say?"

"Yeah, sure. As long as we can go out tonight with the team, I'm good with that." I say trying to hide how despondent I am. The good thing is that Christian won't be there and by then, Noah and I will have talked this entire thing out and we will be fine.

*****Later That Night at Karaoke*****

I'm sitting at the table with Noah and a few friends from the team. I'm going over the conversation that Noah and I had earlier today. Noah said that his plane was experiencing severe turbulence and that they were in their 'ready positions' for a crash landing. Fortunately they made it through the storm. So much has happened to the both of us. We were only apart for one week but it seems like a life time.

Before karaoke starts Coach Bowness addresses the team. "Ok everyone, I've gone over the schedule and the line-ups for our next race are posted on the wall for all of you to see. I've made some changes over the past week, trying to find the strengths within each rower and utilizing them in the best way possible. I don't want to hear anyone complaining about the new line up!"

Code word for, 'The top seat that you thought was yours may not be and the bottom rower may be moved up a notch or two.' Coach always keeps us on our toes, telling us not to get too comfortable. She is constantly making changes to our line ups.

For once, I find that I'm scared. I hope that Noah's in the same boat with me.

"Ana," Noah says, "I'm talking to you. Did you hear me?"

His hand is out and he's standing up. I look at his beautiful face and he's smiling at me, just like he smiled earlier when we made love as soon as we went back to his place. I was somewhere else when he was touching me, kissing me, holding me...just like I'm somewhere else right now. Losing myself in random thoughts...

"I'm sorry Noah, what did you say?"

"I said, 'Let's go see the line-ups so we can see what time we are our race will be held.' Hello, are you with me?"

"Uh yeah. Sure." I say as I stand and take his hand.

I feel it again, his eyes, they're on me. I look around and there he is.

It's Christian, looking sad and forlorn.

Shit!

He's trying not to be seen and he's doing a pretty good job of it, but I felt him, I can feel the pull, I always feel when he's near.

"This is bull shit! How can they do this?" Shouts Noah as he calls me out of my thoughts once again.

"What's wrong Noah?"

"I lost my stroke seat! This is not fair!"

"Noah, easy. This is only one race. We're going to have lots of races for you to prove yourself. I don't understand why you are so upset?"

"Really Ana?! You don't?! Well look at this!"

I look at the line ups and I see that I am coxing a boat with Christian as my stroke!

Fuck!

"You know what makes this worse Ana, I'm on four seat and I'm not even on the same boat with you!"

"Shhh...Calm down Noah, you don't want to act like this in front of the others. You were stroke for a while as a freshman! Think about that."

Noah takes a breath and calms slightly.

"Enough Noah, stop it right now. Let's go join the others and see what sort of silly songs that they will sing and dance to. The last karoke was quite entertaining. You missed a great show."

Noah and I sit through the performances and I just tune everything out. Not really paying attention to the songs or the performances.

I'm called from my thoughts when I feel Noah leave me and head towards the stage. Will he sing to me once more? I do loved that he sang to me on my birthday. He looked so silly and even though he sang off-key, it was the best song ever.

Noah doesn't say anything, he only nods to Mallory who is in charge of the music.

The song begins to play and I know it at once.

Oh Shit!

_You never close your eyes anymore when I kiss your lips._  
_And there's no tenderness like before in your fingertips._  
_You're trying hard not to show it, (baby)._  
_But baby, baby I know it..._

_You've lost that lovin' feeling,_  
_Whoa, that lovin' feeling,_  
_You've lost that lovin' feeling,_  
_Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh._

_Now there's no welcome look in your eyes_  
_when I reach for you._  
_And now you're starting to critisize little things I do._  
_It makes me just feel like crying, (baby)._  
_'Cause baby, **something beautiful's dying**._

I can see the emotion that Noah is pouring out in this song. Noah has a beautiful voice and his singing is perfect! I feel the tears streaming down my face.

Shit!

Everyone is going to know what's going on between Noah and I.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

When he finishes his performance Captain Tik grabs the mic and says, "Uh...Ok everyone. That's it for tonight! Have a good evening and row hard!"

Everyone leaves but I remain seated waiting for Noah to approach me.

"Noah, that was beautifully sung. You have an amazing voice. I've never heard you sing with such..."

"Emotion?" Noah says completing my thoughts.

"Well, I was going to say 'passion' but yes, emotion works just as well." I say quietly.

"It's easy to do if you really feel what you're singing, if the lyrics mean anything to you, you can reach anyone...especially the ones that you love."

Bam!

He's calling me out.

What do I say to that?

Shit!

Noah takes a deep breath and I know this is it.

Fight or flight, it's going down right now!

I don't know what to say, I remain silent.

Am I supposed to speak first? The tension is so thick!

"Ana?" Noah takes another deep breath.

Finally! He speaks!

I better steel myself for what's to come, I look around the room to make sure it's empty and that we have our privacy.

"Yes Noah, what is it?"

"Why is it that you can swim with him Ana? Why him? Why not me?"

I know it's Christian that he's referring to as 'him,' we both know it.

"I...I don't know." I say as I lie to the face of my first love.

I'm a horrible person! I hate this!

"Do you have any idea how that makes me feel Ana?" Noah cries out in pain.

I feel the bile rise in my throat, feeling sick to my stomach.

"Noah, please. I'm sorry." I whisper quietly.

I love him so much but I can see in his eyes the pain I'm causing him.

"I'm sorry?" He snarls at me. "You say that every night in your nightmares. What does that mean Ana? Why won't you talk to me?"

"I'm...I'm sorry Noah."

"Stop saying that dammit! Ana, I'm dying inside. Can't you see how much I love you? You're my everything and yet, you won't open up to me. Please baby, if our love means anything to you...You shutting down on me, it's already causing our love to crack. The foundation of our love is strong Ana but you have to be honest with me, please."

This is it, after keeping this secret from him for such a long time, I'm finally going to tell him. I'm finally going to relieve myself from this burden. I will tell him this and then I will lose him. He will hate me forever and I will lose him!

"Noah, please don't hate me. Please."

"Ana, I could never hate you. I love you baby, always."

"You may not feel that way after what I have to say to you."

"Ana, just say it. It'll be alright. Whatever it is, we will get through it together. Just like we always have, ever since the night that..."

Noah stops and I can see the pained look on his face. The pain in his beautiful sea green eyes.

It's now or never Steel, fight or flight!

"Noah, your parents...my parents, they are dead because of me." I say as I begin to sob.

"What?! Ana, that's ridiculous. Is that why you have nightmares? Is that why you keep screaming 'I'm sorry' because you feel responsible for their deaths?"

"You don't know the entire story Noah, let me finish."

"The night that our parents had gone out, I had gotten in an argument with my mom and my dad. Words were exchanged in the heat of the moment. It was awful! I knew I was being unreasonable but I didn't care. Remember Noah, we were studying when I got a phone call from my mom. She said she didn't like the way things ended with us and she didn't want me to use your parent's car service to go home. She didn't want me to go to sleep angry or upset. She said that she and my dad weren't having a very good time because we argued. We had never argued before. They wanted to come home early and talk things out."

I take a deep breath and begins to sob again.

"I could hear my mom telling my God parents that they were going home so your parents decided to go home with them. They all went together! All four of them!"

I continue to sob and then I say, "Noah, they're dead! Dead because of me, because we fought, because we didn't settle our fight before they left. Because they wanted to come and talk things over! I did this! I did this to them!"

**NPOV**

"Oh God Ana, oh dear God!" I say as I attempt to console Ana.

Of course it's not her fault but at the same time I know that something has changed between us. I can feel it. The song I sang was appropriate. She doesn't love me anymore, well, she loves me but she's not 'in love with me.' I can tell and it's fucking killing me, I can feel my heart shattering into a million tiny pieces.

I have to tell her, she needs to know that this is not her fault, but she also needs to know that we need to end this. One issue has nothing to do with the other.

"I'm sorry Noah, I'm so, so sorry!" She cries out to me, holding me close and squeezing me tight.

"Listen to me Ana, I need for you to listen."

She continues to sob.

I stand up and hold her and I say, "It's not your fault Ana, you need to know this. I'm don't blame you, your parents wouldn't blame you, my parents wouldn't blame you. You need to understand this ok? You really need to let this go now."

I hold her and then it hits me. I have an epiphany!

"Ana, that's why you couldn't swim with me! You were feeling guilty!"

I don't know why but for whatever reason, that makes me feel better. Perhaps she could have swam with anyone so long as it wasn't me.

It still hurts that it was Grey that made her feel safe. I'm still in love with Ana, she is my first love but I know it's not there anymore. The mutual feelings that we once shared. As much as this is killing me, I have to end it once and for all.

She's holding on to the '_**idea**_ of our love' which is not the same as a being in love. God damn this hurts. It hurts as much as the night we lost our parents but I have to be strong, she has to know that this is for the best.

She deserves to be loved, which of course I do, I love her with all my heart and soul but the painful part of this is that Ana doesn't love me, not anymore, not the way that I still love her.

Shit, I hope this doesn't mess her up more. Do I tell her now?

Shit!

I have to make her see, although I'm sure she's felt it with...Grey. She doesn't think I know or that I can feel what's between them but I can and I hate!

I fucking hate it!

I love Ana so much and the fucker Grey... I hate him! If he wasn't around she would probably still be in love with me. I can't go down that road, I need closure.

"Ana, I love you so much. You're my everything baby. I eventually want us to marry and have kids of our own. What about you? Do you feel the same way?"

Ana remains silent.

Not knowing what to say and I have my answer.

Oh Ana...you were supposed to be mine forever, but I cannot do this. I refuse to make you stay with me out of some misguided loyalty. You will only regret it in the future. I love you with everything I've got to give and I know you did to at one time, but you don't anymore and that hurts, it hurts so damn bad!

**APOV**

Shit! How do I tell him that I do love him but that I find myself attracted to Christian. How do you say that to your first love?

"Ana, I'm waiting. There is no right or wrong answer, there's only the truth and how you feel. Please, you owe this to me Ana. Please, you need to be honest."

"Noah, I don't think...that is, I'm not sure...My feelings have changed and I'm so confused!"

"It's Grey isn't it? You have feelings for him, don't you?"

I look at Noah and those beautiful sea green eyes and I can't help but think of those grey eyes...

"Noah, I'm so sorry. I...I do have feelings for him. It's like he just..."

"Stop Ana, I can't hear this. I'm trying to be the bigger man here but please don't make me have to listen to you talk about your feelings for him. My heart is already broken Ana. Don't crush it anymore by stepping on it too. Please!"

"I'm sorry Noah, I...I don't know what else to say."

"I saw you last night Ana. I saw you and Christian at the dock. I couldn't wait to see you and when I went to your room Holly said you were at the dock so of course I raced over there. I couldn't move, I was paralyzed. Fuck, I was probably in shock! I saw the way he held you, the way you held him. It was...It fucking killed me Ana. What's worse is, I didn't see any sexual meaning in that hug, it was a friendly hug, just as your kisses to one another were like healing kisses. Yes, I saw that as well. Why couldn't I do that for you Ana? Why?" Noah pleads as the tears well up in his eyes.

"Oh God Noah, I'm so sorry." I don't know what else to say.

I've broken him, my first love! I'm a horrible person!

"Will you please fucking stop apologizing to me God dammit! Just stop! I don't want it to end this way! I don't want our last memory to be of me yelling at you so fucking stop saying, 'I'm sorry!' are we clear?" He pleads sofly as he holds my hand.

His words, so hard and painful to hear. I would prefer that he yell at me, it's better than hearing the pain in his voice, how are we going to fix this? I don't want to lose him.

"Uh Noah, where do we go from here? I mean, how can we get over this to get our relationship back on track?" I ask desperate for an answer.

"Geez Ana, have you heard a word I said? We aren't getting back together, there is no more us! Don't you see that?! Can't you see that?!"

"Noah, please don't do this to me, to us. Please!" Before I know what's happening I fall to my knees and beg.

"Oh God Ana! No baby, please don't beg baby please. You're better than this Ana!" Noah says as he picks me up off of the floor.

"I'm not better than this Noah! You make me a better person. Please, please don't leave me. I'm lost without you Noah!?

"Ana, it's over baby. Please don't beg. I can be very selfish and accept your plea Ana but I'm trying to be fair. You deserve love and so do I. You don't love me like you used to baby. I know and I can feel it, it's already done. Surely you know that."

"But...but I do love you Noah, I do! Please believe me."

"I know you do Ana and please understand, I hope this makes sense to you, if not now then sometime in the future. I need someone who is going to love me as much as I love them in return and I don't think I have that with you Ana."

He hits the nail right on the head and I know for a fact that what he is saying is true. I do not love Noah in the way that he loves me, I used to but...

"Am I correct Ana?"

Of course he's correct but I can't say I'm sorry or else Noah will flip out on me so I speak calmly and just say what he already knows is true.

"Yes Noah, you are correct. What I would give if it wasn't true but yes...Noah, I never meant to hurt you. Really, you must know that." I say as I begin to sob.

I can feel it, our relationship is over but I still don't know where we go from here, I'm so confused, scared and angry at myself for letting this happen!

"Ana, I'm always going to love you. You're my first love."

"You're my first love too Noah, that's never going to change."

"Ana, I...I have to go." He whispers quietly.

"What do you mean 'you have to go?' Go where?"

"I can't stay here Ana. I'm going to Yale. I do have a little pride left you know."

"I don't understand, you can't leave Noah!" I shout.

"I can't stay Ana. Please if you love me, you will let me do this. This is best for both of us. You love me because we share a bond, because we took care of one another during our parent's deaths but that isn't enough to sustain our love and I need to leave. You need to be strong on your own Ana and trust me when I say that you can be strong, you are strong! Stronger then you'll ever know!"

"I'm strong for you Noah! That's why I'm strong, please don't leave me Noah! Please!" I'm so desperate that I fall to my knees begging him again. I have no shame, I'm desperate!

Noah gets down on his knees and lifts me up.

"Ana," Oh God, now he's crying. "Please Ana, don't this, please. If you don't want to hurt me anymore then please, I need to go and I need your blessing. Please baby, please."

I don't want to let him go, I know I'm being selfish but who will take care of me now? I want to feel safe.

"Listen Ana, Yale isn't that far. It's only a two-hour drive, I'll visit on week-ends once I'm settled in and we will still go back home for the holidays."

"You mean, I can still live with you in Seattle once school is over?" I ask in complete surprise.

"Of course Ana, I love you and we will always have that special bond between us. I'll say it again, you are my first love and my very best friend Ana. I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart." Noah says with absolute conviction.

I start at him in shock. I don't know what to say or do?

"Ana, please tell me that I have your blessing, please."

"You can have my blessing on one condition." I say as I manage a meek smile.

"What is it Ana? Anything. Just tell me!"

"I need a hug really, really bad and the hug that I need is from my first love."

Noah manages a smile. He slowly encases me in his arms and we hug. It feels so good, so right, so natural. Our embrace takes on a life of its own, it's as though our bodies know that this will be it for us, there will be no more physical intimacy, well, not sexually anyway. Any time I see Noah I will expect and demand my hugs.

I can tell that Noah wants to end our contact and I know I'm being selfish but I don't want to let go. I want to stay like this forever, safe in Noah's arms.

"Please Ana, my heart is barely beating and I can't take this anymore. I need to go now. Please let me go."

"No! I can't! I know I said you have my blessing but I can't Noah! I can't! Please don't leave me! Please! I'm sorry, what can I do to make you change your mind? I'll do anything, anything Noah! Please! Please! Please!"

"Oh Ana, you can't change what's in your heart baby. Come on, I'm taking you home now."

"I'm sorry Noah, I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt you."

"I know Ana, I know."

And with those words, we break free from our embrace and I am left feeling bereft, empty and alone...

END OF BOOK I

**A/N**

**This is the end of BOOK I. **

**No worries though, BOOK II will continue right here with the same story.**

******ONE MORE THING, SORRY! THE POWER IS OFF IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD (I HAD TO GET READY FOR WORK IN THE DARK! GAH!) SO I'M POSTING THIS AT WORK! SHHHHH! PLEASE DON'T TELL! SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE ME DOING THIS 'WHILE I'M ON THE CLOCK' AND PLEASE REVIEW.**

******HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY AND HAPPY EASTER!**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie **


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N**

**Hi everyone and thank you for patience. I hate when I get an idea for a story in the middle of the night while I'm trying to sleep. This particular story has been with me for over a week and it refuses to go away, that is what caused the delay of my starting on BOOK II of "Hanging at The Catch." **

**My new story is called "Yes Your Honor." Please check it out when you have a moment, there is ****NO CHEATING AND NOBODY DIES and you know that all my stories will ALWAYS have an HEA! :D**

**I've also been doing some reading and I have a couple of recommendations for you.**

**Please check out FIFTY SHADES EVOLVING FRIENDSHIP vs LOVE » by Rose Grey. This is a complicated and challenging story that Rose has taken on and I commend her for rising to the challenge. Do check it out when you have a moment. Rose's take on Christian and Ana is wonderful and heart warming and it's intermixed with humour as well.**

**This next story is called "The Management of Christian Grey" » by Missreadingfool. This is a wonderful story that I'm sure you will enjoy, especially if you like a strong Ana. She's raised by Ray Steele-a retired Marine (Oorah!) so you can be sure that Miss Steele won't take crap from anyone, not even a certain grey eyed CEO. Angie-AKA Missreadingfool has spoiled us with multiple updates. This story aims to please!**

**I am happy to call Rose and Angie my friends as well as wonderful writers. Give these marvelous stories a go if you have not done so already. **

**Ok, on with my story!**

**BOOK II**

**CPOV**

_"Ana, please baby. Oh God you feel so damn good Firecracker." I moan as my Firecracker straddles me._

_"Do you like that Christian? Yes, I like that too...very much." _

_"I've waited so long for this baby..."_

_"Me too Christian, me too...oh you feel so good..."_

_"What's going on here? Ana, get off of him, you belong to me!" Noah shouts._

_"Noah, I'm sorry. You're right, I do belong with you...I...I'm so sorry Christian, I have to go..." Ana says as she jumps off of me._

_I sit up quickly, "No Ana, you're mine now! Please don't leave me!"_

I'm jolted from my dream that transcended into a nightmare...Ana left me for Noah.

Get a grip Grey, they broke-up, you saw them, you heard them.

Fuck!

The dream was so fucking real. I could actually feel Ana on top of me...that's when I realize that I was jacking off in my sleep.

Shit! I'm pathetic!

_Yeah but you still keep your hand on your dick don't you?_

Why not? I haven't had any action, the only action my dick has seen is from my fucking hand.

Shit!

I'm going to have to start taking my hand out on dates now. My fucking hand is going to think I'm taking advantage of it! Oh Christ, I know I've gone crazy now! I'm talking to myself and thinking about taking my hand on a date!

Fuck this! I need to get to practice!

**APOV**

_"Christian, may I have a glass of milk please?"_

_"Of course Firecracker, coming right up." Christian says as he heads towards the fridge._

_How the hell did I ever get so lucky? I really don't understand. _

_All I know is I had the worst break-up ever with my boyfriend Noah, who also happened to be my best friend and now I have a new boyfriend who is not only sexy as hell, he's warm, gentle, caring, kind, funny and did I mention sexy?_

_"Here's your milk Ana." Christian says as he finishes serving me breakfast in bed. _

_He walks back into the bedroom and he's buck naked! He then proceeds to slowly pour the milk down his sexy as fuck body! What the fucking hell?_

I'm jolted awake buy the sexiest wet dream! I suppose milk really does a body good, or in Christian's case it does a body sexy!

Shit! I wish I wasn't jotled awake...what a wonderful dream. I jump out of bed craving a cold glass of milk.

I feel as though I'm living my life in a daze. Breathing in, breathing out, wake up, eat, class, practice, eat, sleep and wake up again.

That's how it's been these past two weeks, I've been so depressed but I try to push forward and move on. I see Christian at practice and he hardly says a word to me. Not only have I lost Noah but I also feel as though I've lost Christian as well. It's not as if we had a real relationship or anything, though he did make it perfectly clear that he wanted '**something**' with me.

I don't know what to do. I mean if you think about it, I'm not in any shape to start-up a new relationship. It's much too soon for me. Having said that, I don't think there's anything wrong with Christian and I being friends. I would definitely have to take things very slow though I don't know if Christian understands the word 'slow.' He seems to go from zero to one thousand in a split second!

Maybe I'll talk to him today after practice and see what he thinks.

**CPOV**

I'm sick of rowing practice! I'm glad it's over for today! I don't need to practice anyway! I'm the fucking best and everyone knows it! The only good thing about coming to practice is seeing my beautiful Firecracker.

That's all gone to shit now!

It's been two fucking weeks since Ana and Noah have broken up and I'm going ape shit crazy! Is there any type of fucking rule book to dating that states when you are allowed to move on after a break up and start a new relationship?

When am I allowed to fucking broach the subject of dating?

_You?! Dating?! Give me a break Grey! You don't date you asshole! You fuck! Hard! That's all you do!_

Maybe I should look this shit up on-line. There might be some sort of guideline for the 'do's' and 'don'ts' of break-ups.

What the fucking hell has happened to me? Since when do I care about 'guidelines' or 'do's' and 'don'ts'!

_Ana has happened to you, you dumb shit! Ever since she came into your life your world has turned upside down! _

I've been watching her from afar every damn day, she looks so sad, so lost, so confused and so damn hurt.

I fucking hate that she's feeling so hurt over the break-up with Shepherd. That means that she really cared for that fucker.

Will she ever care for me like that?

_Not if she figures out that you have a monster inside of you. You let that beast go when you're with her and you will lose her forever you fucked up piece of shit!_

I shake those thoughts from my mind.

I can't take it anymore, I have to speak to her, guidelines of dating be dammed! Shit! I better hurry up and put these oars away before she leaves!

I turn quickly and BAM!

I ran smack into Ana and knock her on her cute little ass.

**APOV**

"Hey!" I shout as I land on my butt.

"Shit! I'm sorry Firecracker. I didn't hear you behind me." He says as he lowers himself and extends his hand. Christian pulls me up with such strong force that I'm practically thrown against his taut muscular torso.

Mmmmmmmm, his body is nice and warm and how I would love to nuzzle his chest.

"Ana, I'm talking to you. Hello?"

Shit! Get a grip Steele! Christian is talking to you!

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. What did you say?"

"I asked if you're ok Ana? You feel pretty hard."

"Yes, I'm fine." I say as I try to shake off thoughts of Christian's happy trail that still linger in my mind. I back away from him and proceed to walk towards my room as I say, "Thanks."

"Ana wait a minute." Christian says as he stops me from walking he grasps my arm and makes me turn to face him. My God he is so beautiful. I've never seen anyone that can look beautiful and gorgeous and hot and strong and sexy all rolled up into one.

I don't know how to explain Christian's looks. He's beautiful in the male sense of the word but he's very much a strong man as well. He's sort of metro-sexual without going through the grooming process.

His copper-colored locks shine brightly in the sun, his eye brows are shaped to perfection with a natural shaped arch, he has the long lashes and those eyes...oh help me Lord, his eyes are...well, I cannot put into words the grey color of his eyes, they tend to shade light and dark depending on what he's wearing. I look as his lips and I recall how soft they felt against mine. His lips are soft and full. I wonder what it would feel like to nibble on his lips.

Geez Steele! You and Noah have only been apart for two weeks and your already day dreaming about another man's lips!

I try to focus but I cannot, I go back to his beautiful eyes and his eyebrows. Perhaps he does get his eyebrows threaded. They are much too perfect to be shaped that way naturally.

"Ana, please answer me. That wasn't easy for me to say you know and it doesn't help that you're just standing here staring at me with a blank look on your face. I can't tell what you're thinking and it's driving me nuts."

Oh shit! How long have I been 'checked out?' What the heck did the Adonis say to me and how can I answer without him knowing that I've been lost in his beauty.

I've got it! I'll just ask him a question and see if I can find out what he said to me. What should I ask him?

"Answer me Ana, please."

Think of something Steele, anything for Pete's sake!

"Christian?" I say tentatively...

I hear Christian let out a deep breath, "Yes Ana?"

Geez, I'm torturing him with my cluelessness and he has no idea!

"Are you eyebrows naturally shaped that way or do you get them threaded?" I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth but that was the first thing that I could think of, if you can call it 'thinking!'

Christian looks at me and I can see many emotions running through him. He raises his perfectly arched nicely shaped eyebrows at me and I see that he's shocked, angry and then amused.

He takes a deep breath to speak. Let's see if I can read him as well as I think!

"Excuse me?"

Well, that remark can be considered 'shocked.'

"What the fuck!?"

Oh yeah, that's 'angry!'

"Oh Ana, you're nothing if not amusing Firecracker!" Christian says as he chuckles.

Ding! Ding! I should win the lotto for that one! I guessed right on the button as he even used the word 'amused!' Score one for Ana!

"And how do I amuse you Christian? Do tell." Please help me out, please help me out.

"How do you amuse me? Are fucking kidding me Ana?! I just told you that I've been doing my best by trying to stay away from you because of your break up with Noah and I tell you that I can no longer stay away because I'm drawn to you!"

Geez Louise, he's panting! He said all that and I missed it? Shit! What else did he say? What else did I miss?

He reads my silent thoughts and continues his rant. Focus Steele focus!

"It's like you're a fucking magnet and I am steel dammit! Yes I know that's fucking corny but it's all I got and I want to get to know you better and I would like to start by taking you out to dinner tonight on our first official date God Dammit!"

He stands there staring and panting as he takes another breath. Holy shit, there's more he wants to say? Brace yourself Steele!

"Then you come off somewhere out of fucking left field and you want to know about my damn eyebrows?! Really Ana?! Really! I know I call you 'Firecracker' but you are the **_only_** one that can light up my fuse woman! You have no fucking idea!"

Whoa! Well that was a shit load of information that Christian has thrown at me. What do I say? What do I do?

_Say you'll go out with him and then jump his bones! That's what you want! That's what we both want! Do it dummy!_

"Christian," I begin slowly. "I would like very much for you to take me out to dinner only I have one teeny tiny request."

"Anything Ana, anything!" Christian says as he flashes me his signature smile.

"Well, actually it's two requests."

Christian nods.

"Can we go back to that burger place and will you pick me up on your motorcycle?" I look up at him and smile.

"I think that can be arranged Firecracker." He says with a sly grin. Mr. Gorgeous has regained his composure.

"Cool!" I exclaim. "What time should I expect you?" I ask as I try to contain my excitement.

"Is seven o'clock ok with you? I have a late class tonight." Christian says.

"Yup, that works for me." I say as I stand on my tip toes and kiss his cheek.

I hear Christian's slight gasp as I back away and head back to Grey Hall looking forward to what the future holds for me.

**CPOV**

I did it! I fucking did it! I asked my Firecracker out on a date. How the hell did I get here? Shit!

That Firecracker has me wrapped around her finger and I find that I enjoy the feeling. I think I'm whipped for this girl! I think I'm happy! Who would've thought? Me, Christian Trevelyan Grey, son of a crack whore is happy!

My Firecracker gives me the sweetest kiss on the cheek and I fucking explode inside. Firecracker is right! Shit! I hope she didn't hear my breath hitch when she kissed me!

This is a foreign feeling. I like it and I like what she does to me. I feel young, I feel my age, a young carefree nineteen year old.

I think of Ana. My beautiful Firecracker, she's such a free spirit, she has her entire future ahead of her. I know she'll be successful in whatever field she chooses. She has that desire inside of her, a need to be the very best! I can see it in her as well as I see it in myself, though we both maybe aiming high for different reasons.

She's doing it for her parents, I know that. I'm doing it because I'm trying to escape the ugliness of my past. There is no way in hell that I will ever go back there!

Can we succeed together? Will we be together? Do we have a future together?

Why am I even thinking about all this shit? We haven't even had our first official date and I'm turning into Mia again!

Fuck me!

I need to get it together. Next thing you know I'll be picking out a fucking China pattern and ordering a subscription to "Modern Brides!"

I need to row again, just me and my fucked up thoughts. I need to release some of the pent-up sexual frustration that has been building up inside of me since I met Anastasia.

**APOV**

I'm having dinner with Christian! I'm filled with nervous excitement! A part of me really wants to get to know him and see if we are compatible, the other part of me feels guilty for even thinking about compatibility after my recent break up with Noah.

Then it hits me again...Noah, my beautiful Noah. I really did love him, I still do love him, just not in the way that I feel like when I'm with Christian.

Whoa! What am I thinking? Comparing my feeling from Noah with how I feel about Christian? That isn't right at all!

I suppose that's one of the differences between Noah and Christian.

Noah makes me feel safe and loved. I'm at peace, I'm relaxed, I'm in a zen-like state with Noah and I like that feeling.

Noah also happens to be very good-looking, he has movie star quality looks and I've seen the way the girl look at him. He has a beautiful body and oh those sea green eyes.

I miss him already but not in the way that I miss a boyfriend, I miss his company, I miss his smile, I miss his sense of humor, I miss his friendship. Noah made it very clear that we will always be friends and for that I am extremely grateful.

If Noah had cut me off completely I would be shattered. He's the only real family that I have and I can't lose him. A part of me feels very selfish because I know how much our break-up hurt me, I cannot begin to imagine how much it hurt Noah, especially because he made it clear that he's still in love with me.

My thoughts then go to Christian. I remember the first time I saw him. The 'Walking Tree' the 'prick' that was smoking, the one guy that saw me fumbling with my oars and didn't bother to offer a helping hand.

It wasn't that long ago but if you would have told me that The Walking Tree would have 'feelings' for me I never would have believed it. I still have trouble believing it now even though he's told me often enough.

Christian Grey, he's so unlike Noah who makes me safe, peaceful and calm. Christian is a complete contradiction.

Christian has an edge to him, he's reckless, agitated...it's as though there's something building up inside of him...it's waiting, waiting, waiting to escape and break free. It scares the hell out of me and I ashamed to say that it also turns me on.

Christian is beautiful. He has a presence about him. A strong quiet confidence, he commands and demands your attention without realizing it. There's just something about him, he walks into a room and everything and everyone stops to admire the pretty.

His face, his eyes, his lips, his body...oh dear God that happy trail. I'm getting moist just thinking about him.

Yes, Christian is very different from Noah.

I lose all my senses when I'm around Christian and I feel so out of control! I love the feeling of not knowing what's going to happen. I like seeing Christian that way as well. I get the feeling that he doesn't like it though. He seems more like he wants control, he needs control, he craves control and somewhere deep down inside of me...I fear what will come from that type of need.

I shake those thoughts from my mind, I'm thinking very deep at the moment and we've not had our first official date! Geez! Look at the time! I've got to get ready! Shoot!

**A/N**

**Thanks to those of you who have mentioned checking out my FB page and friend requesting me. I have some really good visuals that go with my stories. There's a particularly "HOT" photo of Christian pouring milk all over himself in Ana's wet dream! Sluuuurrrrp! :P**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N**

**Hello and thank you to my guest reviewers Greygray and Stalker for catching my error. Yes, Christian is nineteen, not twenty as I erroneously stated. I have since corrected that error in my previous chapter. Thanks so much for pointing that out, I greatly appreciate it. :D**

**Thank you to my guest reviewers, anabella, Darlee, HelloStranger, Joy, kid and Mimi! You guys rock and I appreciate the kind words of support, it really means so a lot to me. **

**Thank you to my guest reviewer Jade. Sweetie, you are much too kind and I thank you from the bottom to the top of my heart for your review. It is greatly appreciated and I do hope that you continue to enjoy this story and the journey that I have planned out for Christian and Ana. There will be drama but ultimately and as always in my stories, an HEA.**

**A special thanks to BriLee7796, Junewapper and my guest reviewer who I think was the lovely Miss Ellie, for getting me off of the scary number earlier today! This update is dedicated to you!**

**CPOV**

I can't believe how fucking nervous I am! I've been waiting for this moment since the first time I laid eyes on my Firecracker and now, it's finally going to happen. We are going on our first official date.

I swallow my pride, keep the phone away from my ears and make the call.

"Christian! I can't believe you're calling me! How are you sweetie?!" I hear her squeal as I keep the phone far enough to not shatter my ear drum but close enough to hear the shrill of her voice.

"I'm fine Mia. I have a question. Well, actually I need your help." I say quietly.

Silence on the other end of line...

There's no reply, perhaps I have the phone a little too far from my ear. I bring it a bit closer and still nothing. Every time I call and 'speak' to Mia she never stops yapping and now...nothing.

Perhaps I lost the call.

I bring the phone to my ear and say, "Uh...Mia? Hello? Are you still there?"

"Oh my God! It's finally happened! It's a girl isn't it? My big brother has a girlfriend!"

"Fuck!" I shout as I hear the squeal and shrill of my little sister's voice and it shocks me so that I drop my damn phone and sure enough without a missing a beat, I can hear Mia continuing a conversation with herself.

"...let go Elliot, he called me! So, like I was saying Christian, you must bring her to visit or maybe I'll come visit you! I have to meet her."

"Mia!" I hear Elliot say in the background, "Lemme talk to my little bro! Christian, remember my saying bro, 'no glove, no love!' We don't want another 'Christian' running around, you're more than enough, the world can't handle another Christian dude!"

Oh Christ! Mia just can't keep her squeals down. Now mom and dad will certainly find out.

Shit!

"Ell, give Mia the phone dammit! I need to speak to her!"

"No you don't dude, I'm the expert. Just take the little dish out for a bite to eat, make sure it isn't too spicy, stay away from onions and garlic and shit like that and don't forget to...dammit Mia! Ow! No need to punch me sis!"

"Sorry Christian, I handled Elliot. Now what's up? Do you need dating advice big brother? This is sooooo cute, my big brother coming to me for help!"

I swear if Mia wasn't my little sister I wouldn't put up with her but God help me, I love her. She helped me to come out of my shelter of darkness.

"Ok Mia, quit gloating and help me. It's our first date. What do I do? A movie? A play? What? What? What?"

"Wow Christian, I'm glad you called. No movie, no play, just take her somewhere pretty. Take her somewhere that you have a nice view." Mia says in her no-nonsense way.

"Ok, then what?"

"Then what? Then you talk! You get to know each other silly! Girls love talking about themselves don't you know that?"

"Mia, **_you_** like talking about yourself. Anastasia is...different." I chuckle thinking about the very many 'Mia' stories I've heard over my many years in the Grey household.

"Christian, how much time have you got? I have so many things to talk to you about. Are you going to make it to my high school graduation? I refuse to walk the line if you're not there ya know?"

That's Mia, always 'guilting' me into getting her way.

"I'll be there Mia and I don't have time to chat but thanks for the advice. Laters!" I say quickly and end the call before she continues to ramble on.

She get's one more piece of advice in as I hear her shout, "Christian, take her flowers!"

Flowers? What the fuck do I know about flowers? I decide to go on-line and research this shit!

Christ!

Who would have thought that a first date could be so fucking difficult! Aside from the obvious fucked up life I've led, it's no wonder that I've not dated! This shit is more trouble than it's worth!

I picture my beautiful Firecracker in my mind and I feel warm all over. My face starts to feel slightly painful. Ah yes, I'm smiling now. These facial muscles are really starting to get a major work-out.

Smiling...what an interesting concept, all new to me courtesy of the Firecracker. The things she does to me.

Oh yes Firecracker, you are most definitely worth any and all trouble. Oh the things I could do to you...

**APOV**

I'm ready for my date with Christian, I'm just about to text him when I hear someone knocking at my door. Could it be him? He usually texts to let me know he's here.

My heart begins to race as I approach the door and holy freaking jingle bells. My date stands before me looking like he just stepped off the modeling runway! I'm dizzy just looking at him and I'm thankful that the door is helping to keep me from swooning.

I hope I'm not drooling and I quickly pick my jaw up off the floor. Christian's hair is perfect, he doesn't have to do a thing to it. I so want to run my fingers through it once more.

He's casually dressed in a grey v-neck sweater and a pair of faded jeans that fit him perfectly. It's like he just grabbed the first thing he could reach for in his closet without putting any thought and yet for him, at all comes together so well.

Life just isn't fair.

**CPOV**

Wow! Anastasia looks beautiful! My eyes roam her body and I take her all in. She's wearing low-rise jeans that hug her hips, a form-fitting pink kitten t-shirt that shows just enough skin to tease me and a pair of matching pink chucks.

Christ!

"The Big Guy" just reared his head as if to say,_ "Hello! Do you need me? I'm here and ready to go. Whoa! Check her out! Let's get pull those pants down and get in between her legs dude!"_

I swear that fucker has a mind of its own! It's bad enough I hear my fucked up voice in my head but to hear 'The Big Guy' as well, that just pushes me over the edge!

_Hey stupid! Quit eye-fucking her and snap out of it!_

I snap back and I can't help but smirk as I see Anastasia doing the very same thing to me.

Fortunately I snapped out of it before she did!

Let's have some fun Grey.

"Anastasia, what a lovely smile you have. Do you see anything you like my little Firecracker?"

I ask as I lean against the door railing. She still doesn't answer.

Wow! This is good! I like this.

"I'm sorry what was that?" She asks as the blush covers her pretty face.

"Aren't you going to ask me in Firecracker?" I purr.

"Oh yu, yes, of course. Ddduh, do come in." She stutters.

Fuck she's damn adorable. God I want her so bad!

I'm impressed with her room, it's rather large with a kitchenette. I watch her nervously roam around unaware of what to do. Her back is towards me and she's wiggling that delectable bottom of hers. How I would love to cup her ass! She turns quickly and I get a better look at her pink t-shirt. It hugs her body so well and her breasts are so firm and perky. How I would love to tease and taste her pink nipples.

Christ! Why did she have to wear pink?! I think back to her in her bikini and those pink triangles.

Dammit, The Big Guy is waking up again._ "Did someone mention pink triangles? I'm ready for action!"_

Shit!

Focus on her shirt Grey! You need a distraction quick! What does her shirt say?

"Ana, that's a lovely color on you. May I read what your shirt says?" I ask as I try to calm The Big Guy down.

"Oh, of course Christian." She stops and stands in front of me, shoulders squared back, chest slightly out, shit! Maybe this wasn't the right distraction.

I read her shirt, "Keep calm and hello kitty? I don't get it." I say slightly confused.

" 'Keep calm' is a popular phrase Christian." She says matter-of-factly.

I stare at her shirt and watch her breasts rise and fall as I feel her breathing increase, we are so close to one another and we both feel that pulling sensation. I swear if I don't leave this room I'll fucking take her right here on the damn floor!

Pink shirt, pink triangles, hello kitty, fuck! What I could do to her 'little kitty!' I'd have her purring with such pleasure she wouldn't know what to do!

**APOV**

Is Christian ok? He keeps staring at my shirt. Does he feel what I feel. That sexual energy between us?

I'm so embarrassed that he caught me eye-fucking him but now it appears he's doing it to me. He won't take his eyes off of my shirt. What's up with this guy. Well, I guess it's time to use his line right back on him.

"Christian, do you see anything you like baby?"

**CPOV**

Oh no, my Firecracker did not just use my own line on me?

Dammit, she's driving me nuts!

Oh fuck this shit!

"Yes Firecracker," I groan as I pull her up against me. "As a matter of fact I do."

Her eyes alight with mischievous wonder and her soft full lips curve into the cutest smile that I have ever seen.

I can feel Anastasia's sweet warm breath and I know she wants me just as much as I want her.

"Anastasia, I have to tell you something." I say as I lower myself to her and lean our foreheads together, my arms wrapped around her with my hands cupping her soft ass.

"Whuh...what is it Christian?" She pants as she wraps her arms around me pushing me against her and I rub against her making her feel The Big Guy.

"If I kiss you, right here...right now..." I'm panting like a fucking dog who has chased a tennis ball all fucking day, shit!

"Yyuh, yes..." Ana moans.

"We. Won't. Leave. This. Room."

Come on baby please, please, just perk up those soft kissable lips and do it already! Put it me out of my fucking misery. For God's sake take pity on this poor fucked up idiot who has been jacking off since the moment I saw those pink triangles fall and expose your exquisite beauty.

**APOV**

Oh my sweet baby Jesus in the heavens above! I can feel Christian's throbbing member rubbing up against me and I'm dying to feel some friction between my legs. I can feel myself getting moist down there.

My God, what he does to me. What am I to do?

I can't help but look up at him and smile.

"Anastasia, I have to tell you something." Christian says as he places his forehead against mine and he's squeezing my butt! Oh Lordy!

"Whuh...what is it Christian?" I ask hoping that he kisses me.

"If I kiss you, right here...right now..." He purrs.

"Yyuh, yes..."

"We. Won't. Leave. This. Room."

Hell, I didn't wanna leave this room as soon as I opened the door and saw him standing there looking so hot!

Holly's staying with friends this week-end so we would have the place to ourselves...no, it's too soon. You just broke up with Noah! What will everyone think?

_Who cares what anyone thinks! Look at him! He wants you! He's gorgeous! He's practically begging for it dummy! Just kiss him already and put me out my misery! I swear if you don't I will purposely forget all the studying you did for your literature class bitch!_

No! I studied for an entire day!

I get on my tippy toes and grab Christian's hair. I hear him take in a sharp breath and I slowly bring his lips right in front of mine. Christian smiles and I smile back. I close my eyes and our lips connect.

I feel it at once, that jolt running through my body. It's as though I'm being sexually electrocuted! Oh fucking my!

His tongue gently pushes against my lips as he asks for entry, my lips part slightly and I allow his tongue to explore my mouth. I tentatively push my tongue against his and I hear him moan.

He pushes me up against the wall and he moans, "Firecracker, oh baby you are so good..."

I feel Christian's hands roaming all over my body, he's squeezing my butt and I slightly lean forward, his hands go under my t-shirt and up my back.

He's pressing his body harder against mine and I feel his hard on once more...Oh God I want him. I want him inside of me...

I keep my hands in his soft wavy hair, it feels so damn good.

We're both moaning and Christian pulls away from me, "Anastasia, I want you. I want you so bad Firecracker, do you want me? Is this what you want?"

"Yes Christian, please..."

"Are we alone?" He asks.

"Yes, Holly's out for the week-end."

"Which one is your bedroom?" He asks as he lifts me up in his arms.

"First door on the right." I manage to pant.

As soon as we enter my room we are quick to rid ourselves of our clothes. It happens in lightening speed!

I pull off his sweater and black t-shirt and he quickly removes my shirt and bra. He reaches for the zipper on my pants and quickly I remove them. I'm left wearing only my panties and Christian is wearing his jeans.

We're still standing and I'm in a hurry to rid him of his pants. I undo the zipper and I attempt to pull them down when Christian scares the crap out of me by yelling, "Wait!"

I freeze.

"What's wrong Christian? Have you changed your mind?" I ask sadly.

"Oh no Firecracker, not at all...We're moving too fast. I want to savor this moment." He says as he squeezes my butt and I then place my hand down his pants and reach for his throbbing member.

I stroke him and he moans, "Oh God baby, your hand feels so good around my cock. I can't wait to be inside of you...I've wanted you for so long."

"Oh God Christian, I want you too...so much." I say softly.

Christian lifts me in his arms and places me gently on my bed. I can feel my heart beat and I swear that I can see the vibration of my heart against my chest!

Christian slowly tugs on my panties and drags them down slowly over my thighs and legs while his fingers stroke my skin on the way down. I can feel the jolts of electricity on my legs. Once he's removed my panties, I feel him back away from me.

What's he doing?

I sit up on my elbows and holy hell, Christian's body is a sight to behold and he's not even naked...yet! He's standing and leaning against the doorway and he's looking away from me.

Why?

I'm can see his profile which also enables me to see that his pants are not quite down but I can most definitely see the curve of his fine-looking ass!

Oh man I want to squeeze and cup his ass so bad but he's lost in his thoughts...

"Christian, are you ok?"

"I'm fine Ana, it's just that..."

"What Christian? What is it? I want this, do you want me to beg?"

"Oh no Ana, it's not that, it's just I've...I've never..."

"Oh God, please don't say you're a virgin Christian because I would find that impossible to believe." I can see that he's frustrated and now I'm feeling a bit embarrassed as I'm lying naked on my bed.

I quickly climb under the blanket.

"Please don't cover yourself Ana, I like looking at you...your so beautiful and I want you desperately."

"Well it sure doesn't feel like it Christian, maybe this was a bad idea, maybe we're going too fast?" I say as I try to recover a bit of my dignity.

"Ana, I'm not exactly a virgin but I...I don't want to hurt you...I've never...I've never made love to anyone before...never and I'm afraid that I might hurt you."

"You're not exactly a virgin? You've never made love to anyone? Oh Christian, I'm so confused. Please help me to understand...please."

"The thing is...well, I sort of have issues with touch and I really don't want to get into this right now because I really want to get into you baby but...I like to fuck...hard."

Holy hell...that has to be the hottest and sexiest thing I have ever heard in my life! Ok fine, so I'm not a worldly type person and I'm still young but shit, hearing those words coming out of his sexy mouth made me squirmy and I think there's a patch of wetness on my bed...

"Anastasia? Firecracker? Did you hear me? Are...are you ok?"

Crap, Christian is talking to me and I got lost in his words. I don't think Noah and I have ever fucked hard...I mean we went 'fast' but I wouldn't call it 'hard'...what have I gotten myself into?

"I'm fine Christian...I'm not a virgin ya know, I do have 'some' experience."

"Oh God Ana, don't remind me. I just want to be sure that I...I don't hurt you." He says as he sighs.

"Christian," I say as I find myself getting emboldened by his words. "You won't hurt me."

I crawl to the edge of the bed where he's standing with has pants slightly hanging on his hips and I yank them down.

"Shit Firecracker!"

And there he stands, Christian Grey in all his glory and the view from where I sit is fucking fabulous. His throbbing member is HUGE and it is beautiful, absolutely beautiful. It's pretty and pink...my favorite color.

I'm overcome with feelings of eroticism and before I have a moment to process my naughty thought, I do it!

I take him in my mouth. Something Noah tried to get me to do but the thought repulsed me at the time. I mean, you pee from that thing for goodness' sakes, why would I want that in my mouth?

Yet here I am, slurping, sucking and licking Christian like he's the best flavored lollipop that I have ever had!

**"**Oh...Oh fuck Ana! Shit!"

I think I hear Christian giving me words of praise for my sucking skills...I'm not sure as I'm lost in this feeling of euphoria, this is so damn good. I never in my life would have thought that I would enjoy doing this!

"Shit!"

**Thud!**

Suddenly I feel Christian pull out of my mouth and I'm confused, why does he want me to stop?

I look up at Christian with sad eyes and then I realize we are facing each other, we're eye to eye.

"Christ Ana, you fucking knocked me off of my feet! You made my fucking knees buckle! Holy shit, you're amazing."

I can't help but smile.

"You...you really think so?"

"Fuck yeah! Let me lie down on the bed so you can continue your...well, you continue where you left off because you just took me all in and you didn't fucking gag! The Big Guy is quite impressed and so am I!"

"The Big Guy? You actually named it?" I giggle.

I see something I never thought I would see...Christian Grey blushing!

"Alright, alright, enjoy your giggle. Yes he is known as 'The Big Guy' ok?"

"Well, at least you've named him correctly." I say as I squeeze 'The Big Guy.'

I take him in my mouth once again, I feel Christian tense up and then he relaxes as I suck him off.

"Anastasia, oh God Firecracker...that feels so fucking good. It's been too long, I've waited for you for so long...Oh, oh, oh fuck Ana! Yes!"

I'm driven by Christian's words, he's on a sexual high that only feeds my hunger for 'The Big Guy'...he tastes so good and I can also feel myself getting wetter down there.

"Firecracker, the things you're doing to me...oh shit baby...damn...I'm...I'm going to cum Ana, stop if you don't want to..."

I stop for a moment and look up at him and I see a quick flash of disappointment...He wants me to swallow!

"Christian I...I've never done this before..."

"You've never swallowed?"

"No, well I mean yes, I've never swallowed but I've also never done **_this_** before either."

His eyes widen in shock and then I see a moment of glee.

"So,...I'm your first Ana?"

"Yes Christian, you are."

"I fucking love that!"

I smile and go back to licking and sucking and now I do want to swallow, I want to please him and make him happy.

"Firecracker, I'm going to cum...I'm...I'm warning you in case...Oh shit!"

I feel the warm shoot down my throat, it's a bit salty and funky tasting. My head shoots up and I say, "Ok, that was kind of funky."

I run to the bathroom to brush my teeth.

I can hear Christian say, "Ana, are you alright? What are you doing?"

"I'm brushing my teeth, I want to kiss you but not with that stuff and that taste in my mouth."

When I return Christian is laying on the bed with a satisfied smile on his face.

"What's so funny?" I ask.

"You! You are so damn cute. You went to brush your teeth! I love it! You're so sweet Firecracker and your so..."

I feel silly all of sudden, like an inexperienced child.

I pout and cross my arms as I sit up in the bed, "Well I'm happy that you find me amusing Christian." I snap.

Christian sits up and says, "Hey, I didn't say that to be mean. I meant that you're...you're just so adorable...the women I've been with are...well, never mind that. I want you Ana, I want to make love to you. Will show me how Firecracker?"

He's so earnest and I can tell by looking into his eyes that he means every word.

"I want you too Christian. Yes, I will show you how to make love." I say as I kiss him.

"Mmmm, minty fresh Firecracker."

"Why thank you, I aim to please Sir."

"And please me you do baby." He purrs and I swear if I get any wetter I'm going to slide off this bed.

I slowly straddle Christian and I see a look of sheer terror wash over him, his body tenses up and I don't know what to do so I freeze.

He quickly grab my hands, wraps them around my back and says, "Ana, please, please don't touch me..."

I look at his chest and I see them again...the scars...I feel sad and angry at the same time. Who could do something as horrible as this? It's unthinkable!

"Christian, I have to touch you...I'll be gentle, I promise." I whisper as I lean forward and kiss his nose.

Christian takes a deep breath and says, "This is a big step for me Anastasia, just promise you won't touch my chest or back."

"Ok, Christian. We can do this. Why don't I lie down and you go on top..will that make you feel better?"

"No!" He shouts and I'm taken aback.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to shout, stay on top. I want you to show me how to make love..."

And with his words I carefully lean forward and run my fingers in his hair and kiss his soft lips.

"Christian, I love kissing you..." I say as I kiss him all over. I kiss his cheeks, his nose, I kiss his each of his eye lids and I nibble on his ear."

"Oh God Ana...fuck Firecracker, what are you doing to me?"

"I'm loving you Christian, I'm loving you." I say as I continue to kiss him.

My kisses change from soft and loving to needy and hungry.

I need to feel him, I want him inside of me.

"Oh God Firecracker, I want you, I need you...please baby."

"Yes Christian, yes." I say as I position The Big Guy at the tip of my entrance.

"Anastasia, oh God I can feel how wet you are baby, I can smell your scent...you're ready for this aren't you? You're ready for me..."

"Yes..." I say and I slowly lower myself onto him and allow myself a moment to get accustomed to this feeling of fullness.

He's big...very big...I can tell he's bigger than Noah, I can feel him stretching me in places that I've not been stretched before.

I move slowly up and down and fuck does it feel good!

"Oh God Christian, you feel so good." I say as I move up and down, our hands intertwined together.

"Firecracker, oh baby."

"Move Christian, move against me, please..." I plead needing and wanting to feel the friction between my kitty kat and The Big Guy.

Christian moves slowly as we find our rhythm, we thrust against one another...Oh it feels heavenly sexy good.

"Yes Christian, oh yes...like that..." I purr as I feel our slickery juices combined while the scent of our sex fills the room.

"Can you smell our scent Christian? That's you and me, mixed together in our sex, oh you feel so good Christian..."

I look at Christian, his eyes are closed. It's as though he's trying to focus, I don't understand, he should be relaxed, we're making love.

"Christian, look at me."

His beautiful grey eyes open and he smiles at me, I smile back but something in him changes.

He lets go of my hands. He grabs my hips and squeezes them hard, his hands dig deep into my skin.

"Go Firecracker, take me, harder!" He demands.

I lean forward and brace myself by grabbing his shoulders, I move up and down, harder and faster. I'm so turned on, his grip gets tighter and it only fuels my hunger, this is fucking, this is what he does, this is what he likes and I like it too!

"Go Ana, fuck me! Yes, harder, faster, fuck me!"

"Christian, oh God!"

"Do it Firecracker! Come now! Come loud! Come hard! Oh fuck yeah!"

"Yes!" I shout as I feel myself explode. I feel it, I _**am**_ a Firecracker in every sense of the word.

I see fireworks as I fall forward on Christian's chest and I float away, before I pass out I could swear that I heard Christian say, "**_Ana, oh baby...that was fuck-mazing_**!"

**Credit to Author Alsper for the word "fuck-mazing." And special thanks to my girl Kelley for giving me the heads up. THANKS KELLEY! **

**Thank you for reading and please review! :D**


	21. Chapter 21

**CPOV**

"Where the fuck am I? What the fuck just happened?"

Oh yes, Ana and I...we just made love and fucked like crazy and I have to say that is was, for lack of a better word, fuck-mazing. Yes, making love and fucking Ana really was fuck-mazing!

I look around, take in my surroundings and I freeze. I'm terrified as I realize that my Firecracker is laying on my chest.

Her soft, sexy as fuck breasts are caressing my 'no-go' zone and I do not feel pain. Perhaps it's because I've tensed up since coming to, from our amazing love and fuck fest.

My God what the Firecracker does to me. Firecracker is right! I fucking exploded in her mouth and inside of her beautiful flower. I smile and slowly relax.

I take a deep breath and I feel my Firecracker stir.

"Mmmmm...Christian, save me." She whispers as she slowly falls back to sleep.

Well, how about that? The Firecracker talks in her sleep. This may prove to be a very informative evening!

I slowly move my arms and wrap them around my Firecracker. This feels so good. I've never held anyone before, our bodies are so warm and we fit perfectly. She's the missing piece to my puzzle and we snap together perfectly.

Shit! What the hell has happened to me?

I've turned into a love-sick puppy and I'm surprisingly happy about it. I want to wake my Firecracker and take her once more but she's sleeping so soundly and I do enjoy having her on my chest.

This must be that feeling. The feeling of intimacy that you cannot get from fucking...it's what I've needed all this time, only the thought of doing something like this made the pain in my chest burn more than ever. Just the _**idea** _of someone getting near me in that way made me put up my defense mechanism, I'm always ready to attack.

Not anymore, well, not with Anastasia. She's knocked down that wall and I cannot wait to see what the future has in store for us...

**APOV**

I'm slowly waking up from a very intense dream. I'm drowning, I'm going under, I can't breathe, I feel my lungs constricting. I'm about lose consciousness when I feel strong arms wrap around me.

"I've got you Anastasia, you're safe baby." Christian whispers in my dream and surprisingly, I find him whispering those same words as I come to.

"Mmm...what happened?" I ask in a groggy state.

"I think you were having a nightmare Firecracker." Christian says as he kisses the top of my head and that's when I realize that I'm laying on his chest.

"Shit!" I shout as I lift myself off of him. "I'm so sorry Christian, I didn't mean to.."

"Hey," He whispers as he puts his index finger to my mouth. He pulls me back down and I lay gingerly on his strong sculpted chest. "It's ok. I was scared too, when I woke up and found you like this, I was terrified actually."

"Oh? Why didn't you wake me?" I ask.

"Because I found that I enjoyed the feeling, this feeling of intimacy is not a feeling that I'm familiar with since I don't allow people to touch me."

He speaks as his hands run gently up and down my back, turning me on with every loving touch and caress.

We're quiet for a moment and the most embarrassing thing happens...my stomach growls.

Christian lifts up slightly and I look up at him as I feel myself blush, "You're hungry Firecracker."

I nod.

"Well, let's get dressed and get you fed."

"No!" I say quickly, "I'd rather stay here. Is pizza ok with you?" I ask.

Christian smiles and says, "Pizza is perfect."

*****45 Minutes Laters Baby*****

I'm wearing an over sized t-shirt and some sweats and fortunately for Christian I have many over sized shirts and I had a pair of Noah's sweats here.

Christian didn't say anything but I know, we both know...

Christian and I are sitting on the carpet as we eat pizza and drink soda, I put my plate on the coffee table and say, "Well, I'm stuffed."

Christian has a silly grin on his face.

"What?" I ask.

"You."

"Me? Me what?" I ask again.

"It's nice to see you eat, you have a pretty big appetite."

"Is that a bad thing? If so, sorry but I can't change it. If I'm hungry, I'll eat. I already told you that I'm not a salad and water kind of girl."

Christian laughs out loud.

"Uh, I'm glad you find me amusing Christian."

"It's not that, it's just that my little sister Mia tries to watch what she eats, not that she needs to but she will have salad and say that she's trying to watch her weight. Then I'll come downstairs for a glass of water or a snack and there she is...eating a sub or having ice-cream or cookies and milk."

"My kind of girl." I say as I giggle.

Christian giggles as well. I've not heard him laugh, really laugh until today. It's nice. Since he's so relaxed perhaps I can get him to open up...

"Christian?...Why can't I touch you?"

The room becomes tense, it's in the air and Christian stiffens up immediately.

Bad move Steele.

"It has to do with my childhood...I've told you about the crack whore and the pimp but not everything..."

"Will you tell me now? I'm just trying to understand you." I say softly.

"Well, I'm sure you've seen them." He says quietly.

"The scars? Yes I have...I've been wondering..."

"Cigarette burns."

Oh God, Christian was burned with cigarettes! I'm feeling nauseous and before I know it, I run to the bathroom and hurl.

Shit!

"Ana? Firecracker?" Christian shouts as he enters the bathroom.

I'm still hurling and he holds my hair out of my face.

"Oh Anastasia, I'm so sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you and now I've gone and made you sick."

I spit out the last bit of vomit and say, "Christian, don't apologize. It's not your fault. I just...I didn't know it would affect me this way. I care about you and the thought that someone, more like some animal did this to you is disgusting!"

Tears are burning my eyes and I'm full of rage. Poor Christian. I feel...I feel awful, sad, angry and so many other things that I cannot explain. This is just horrible!

Christian offers me his hand and he pulls me up.

"Just let me brush my teeth Christian, I want you to tell me what happened."

Christian takes a deep breath and says, "Ok, if you really want to know."

"I do Christian, I want to know all about you."

Christian tells me as much as he can remember about the his birth mother and her pimp, then he goes on to tell me how Grace took care of him in the emergency room and the rest is history.

He was adopted by the Greys along with his older brother Eliott and younger sister Mia. They were raised in a strict but loving home and that's all that Christian will tell me.

I feel it's enough for now but I really want to know more.

Christian asks about my upbringing and I tell him about my life, I was a happy normal kid with two wonderful parents until that fateful night.

I tell about him how Noah and I came to be and I see the sadness in his eyes, "I feel awful for you and Noah."

I feel as though he wants to say more but he holds back.

"What is it Christian?"

"How do you know I wanted to say something else?" He asks with surprise.

"I...I don't know. I just feel it I guess."

"Firecracker, sometimes I think you know me better than I know myself."

"Does that bother you?" I ask.

He sits for a moment and thinks about it...really thinks about it.

"It might have bothered me before, now it doesn't bother me at all." He says with a smile.

"Christian, I really didn't expect for this to happen...well, I mean, not so soon anyway." I say as I blush and smile.

"Neither did I Firecracker but I must say, I have been thinking and hoping that this would happen for quite some time." Christian says with a devilish smile.

He's thinking about something, why the mischievous look?

"What? What is it Christian?" I giggle as I ask him, demanding to be let in on his little secret.

"Well, I said that I've been thinking about this, about us being together for a while and for the life of me, I can't understand why the fuck I'm smiling about because at the time...it broke my heart Ana. I never thought that you would be mine."

His? I'm his now? Hmmmm...I think I like that. I think I like that a lot!

**CPOV**

Fuck Grey! There you go again! Saying more than you should. You said the Firecracker is yours.

Shit!

How does she feel about this. Focus, read her facial expressions, you're good at that!

Well, she looks shocked for a moment. Then she lets those words play in her mind. Yes Firecracker, you are mine. Face it baby! I'm never going to let you go...ever!

Holy shit! I think she likes the idea of being mine. Fuck, she might even love it! This is the best date I've ever had!

_Hey dummy, it's the only date you've ever had. Would you please grow your dick and balls back and lose the vagina Christina! She still doesn't know about the monster that rages inside you. You know, the one that rattles your cage._

"Shut up dammit!" I shout as Ana leans back in shock.

"Christian, are you ok?"

"Shit, I'm fine Ana, I'm fine."

"Why did you say 'shut up?' I don't understand. Have you got Tourette's Syndrome or something?"

She has such a serious look on her face and I break out in laughter. Tourette's Syndrome? Is she serious?

"Oh Ana! You are too much!" I say as I grab her and take her in my arms. She's lying on my lap looking up at me while I look down at her pretty face.

"Tell me Firecracker, what do you think about being mine? Hmmm?" I ask as I lean down and kiss her cute button nose.

"Wait just a minute Christian, you were going to share something with me and I want to know what it was." I demand.

"And I'll still share it with you Firecracker but first, I need to know...are you? Mine that is?"

Listen to me, I'm pathetic! I've never wanted anyone, never needed anyone and yet, here I am, a love-sick puppy, waiting for Ana to pet me so I can wag my fucking tail!

"I don't know Christian? Are you asking me to be...yours?" She smiles at me and blushes.

"Yes Ana, I am. I want you to be mine and I will be yours and yours alone. What do you say?"

"Christian, I do want to be yours. I think a part of me has always been yours since we met only I didn't know, I didn't recognize it at the time."

"Ana! I feel the same way! Right from the first time I say you." I say in amazement.

My Firecracker tenses up.

Shit!

"What is it Ana, you don't want this? You don't want us?" I feel like I've been punched in the gut.

"No Christian, it's not that. It's not that at all. It's just...I don't know, don't you think it's too soon? Noah and I only broke up two weeks ago and now here I am with you."

"Life is too short Ana, you of all people should know that."

Ana flinches at my words.

Shit!

Her parents! Nice move idiot!

"I'm sorry Ana, I didn't mean for it to sound..."

"Don't apologize Christian, I understand what you mean, but what will the others think? The team? How will they feel about..."

"Fuck them! Who cares what they think! What matters is what you want, what I want, what we want!"

My Firecracker looks puzzled, she's trying to wrap her mind around us being a couple.

"Don't over think it baby. You're mine and that's all there is to it."

"Don't I have a say in this Christian?"

"A small one but I get to overrule you if you say you're not mine." I lean down and kiss her again. I try to pick my head up but Ana grabs my hair and yanks me down hard.

"Ana...Oh baby yes." I say as I position myself on top of her.

God she's a great kisser. Her mouth is so fucking sweet, I want her again, now!

"Firecracker, stop. Let's go back to your bedroom baby."

Ana looks at me with those crystal blue eyes and she nods as we stand up.

"Hey, wait a minute. What where you thinking earlier? I want to know." Ana says as she sits herself down on the sofa.

She tugs on my hand and I am forced to sit down. Well, she needs full disclosure. If I'm going to be in a 'relationship' it has to be based on honesty and I really want this to work.

I'm not going to stall, I'm just going to say it.

"Ana?"

"Yes Christian, what is it?"

"I...uh...saw you and Noah...together." My stomach is in knots, let's hope this goes over well.

"What do you mean you saw us together? Together how?"

"I saw you and Noah making love to each other, you had on your pink triangles and you looked fucking amazing."

My Firecracker looks like she has checked out. Shit! This isn't good, this isn't good at all!

"You saw us making love?! You mean at the boat house? Pink triangles? What pink triangles? What are you talking about Christian?"

"I couldn't get you out of my mind Firecracker! You were driving me crazy! I wanted you so bad and that night, I followed you and watched you and Noah from afar."

"Oh my God."

"I'm sorry Ana, I'm so sorry and as much as it broke my heart to see you with someone else, it was hot. Well, you were hot. I was so fucking turned on that I jacked off while watching you."

My Firecracker's jaw is on the floor. Is she in shock, did I say too much? Well, I might as well tell her everything now. No need to put her in shock more than once. Get it all out!

"I was so angry Ana, angry at you. Angry at Noah, doing what he did with you, what you where doing with him, knowing that you belonged to me! I wanted to tear him apart!"

She has a blank stare, perhaps she did check out. I might as well keep going.

"I know it sounds crazy baby, but I knew you were mine and to see you with him...I was angry and hot and bothered just watching you! I needed you to be mine, I had to claim you as my own Ana! Is that crazy? I don't know, but I do know how I feel. Say something Anastasia, please."

**APOV**

"You watched us?"

"I did Ana, I have to be honest with you just like you have to be honest with me if we want this to work."

How am I supposed to feel about this? I don't know? I guess I should be freaked out and I suppose I am but...then he says he has to be honest, he wants this to work.

He is serious about us being in a real relationship and that makes my heart fill with joy.

"Christian," I begin. "I'll admit, I'm a little freaked out that you watched Noah and I and that you, you know, did what you did but then you say you want to be honest and you come clean with me. It shows me that you really do want this to work and that thought alone makes me happy Christian. It really does."

"I do want this to work Ana, you have no idea how much. I've never felt this way before."

His words fill me with so much emotion. I'm falling for Christian. I'm falling hard. I only hope that he feels the same way. He hasn't said those magic words and neither have I.

I did tell him "I'm loving you," however that was only in reference to me loving his body and making love to him but I know in my heart and in my soul what is true.

The truth is that I have fallen in love with Christian Grey.

**A/N**

**And there it is...Ana has fallen in love with Christian Grey! How will this 'little' epiphany affect their relationship? So much I want to say but I can't without giving away some things that will be occurring in the future. What I can say again is that Elena does not exist in the story, therefore Christian has not been exposed to the BDSM lifestyle. That's all I will say for now, in the meantime...**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling. :D**

**Rosie**


	22. Chapter 22

**I was debating whether or not to post this chapter in light of the recent events in Boston. Then I thought that perhaps the people here on the FF website can offer a momentary escape from reality if you will. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone effected by these events. I have followers and reviewers who have been affected by this and I can only hope that they and their loved ones are safe and sound. God Bless.**

*****Two Months Later*****

**APOV**

Christian squeezes my hand and says, "Relax baby. It's going to be fine."

The butterflies in stomach have morphed into bats and that uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach is no longer uneasy, it's an ocean of storms and it's definitely stirring up things inside of me. I hope and pray that I don't get sick all over myself or God forbid any of the Greys.

"Easy for you to say. I'm the one that's going to be under the microscope, not you." I whisper quietly as we wait for the driver to load our luggage.

I don't know what I was thinking. Why did I agree to celebrating Thanksgiving dinner with Grey family? I must have been out of my mind!

I suppose a lot of it had to do with Noah. He really wanted to see me and catch up but he also stated that he had made plans for Thanksgiving and that we could celebrate together on Wednesday, the day before the actual holiday.

I think Noah also wanted to make peace with the fact that Christian and I are together and perhaps smooth things over since their falling out at the Harvard-Yale Regatta. We just lost our race against Yale and Christian thought it would be a good idea to congratulate Noah and his team on their victory. It was an ugly sight, seeing the two most important people in my life shouting at each other and coming to blows.

I close my eyes and flashback to that moment...

"Save it Grey! I don't want your congratulations or your fucking pity." Noah snarls.

"It's not pity and I am being sincere when I offer you my congratulations. It's not something I'm accustomed to...losing and then to have congratulate the winner? Not my style, I don't like to lose Shepherd."

"Yes, I know that Grey!" Noah shouts as he glares at me, knowing full well that he's making that cutting remark in reference to 'winning' me.

My heart is breaking for Noah but at the same time I do love Christian. Why does life have to be so complicated?

"Noah, I'm sorry please don't make this any worse." I plead.

"Me?! Make it worse? Are you fucking kidding me Ana?" Noah shouts. "Look, I backed away and tried to be the better man, but then he comes and rubs in my face. That's fucking bullshit!"

"Please don't swear at Ana." Christian says as he tries to keep his voice level but he is most definitely gritting his teeth.

"Oh yes, you're the only one that can swear at her right? Do you swear when you two are getting hot and bothered? Do you swear when she..."

Next thing you know I see Noah on the ground but not for long because he gets back up and punches Christian. They both have fat lips and next thing know the Harvard and Yale team come to their respective team mates side.

"Enough!" I shout and for whatever reason, everyone stops.

"Christian, Noah, please! Please don't do this!" I plead and I'm surprised and proud that I haven't been reduced to tears.

"Ana, I'm sorry." Noah says quietly.

"I'm sorry too Ana."

I look to both teams and say, "They're fine, will you please excuse us. We have some things to work out."

Most of Yale's team knows the story about this uncomfortable situation and why they were lucky enough to get Noah and thankfully both teams leave us alone to get some much-needed privacy.

"Now, where were we?" I ask.

"I was saying that I'm sorry Ana." Noah says again.

"Me too baby...Ana, I'm sorry too." Christian says quietly.

"You know what? Screw both of you and your dumb apologies! I don't want them! You should be apologizing to each other! Not to me dammit!" I shout.

They stare at each other for a moment and I wait.

"I'm sorry Noah. I should not have punched you. It was wrong and I hope you can forgive me. The last thing I wanted to do was cause a scene and upset Ana. Are we cool?" Christian asks as he extends his hand.

My jaw is on the floor. Number one, I'm surprised Christian apologized and number 2, his apology is sincere! Please accept Noah, please, please, please.

I think Noah is also in shock. He stares for a moment and looks at Christian's hand, contemplating his next move. Take it Noah! Please! I hate this, I love both of you and I cannot live like this, torn between my past and my future!

Noah takes his hand and says, "I wouldn't say that we're cool Grey, but I will say that I do accept your apology. Are you good with that?"

Christian says, "That's all I want man, I just don't want to see Ana upset."

They release their grip and I hug Noah.

"Thanks Noah, thanks so much!" I say with relief.

"We're still on for Thanksgiving right Stay?" Noah says as he glares at Christian.

Noah called me Stay, I've not heard that in a while.

"Yes Noah, we're still on." I say as Christian and I prepare to leave.

Christian holds my hand as we walk away and Noah says, "Grey, I need to know something."

I tense up, oh shit. Please, keep calm, let them both keep calm.

"What is it Shepherd?"

"Did you leave everything out on the water? Did you really give it your all?" He asks quietly.

I so know how Noah feels. He needs to know that this victory was his and his alone. He wants to be sure Christian gave it his all, that way he could revel in his victory.

"Noah, there's something you should know about me. I don't do things half way, it's all or nothing with me."

Christian looks around to make sure no one else is within hearing distance, he frowns and says, "I will only say this once Shepherd. You kicked my ass but there will be other races so you can be sure that losing this race will only motivate me to kick your ass."

I look to Noah and he has a huge shit-eating grin on his face.

And with those words, we went our separate ways. I felt as though I jumped over a giant hurdle, that everything that preceded that moment would be a cake walk.

Yeah right!

The car stops and brings me back to the here and now. This is the moment of truth I think to myself as we slowly approach Christian's home. This is where he grew up and in a few moments I will be meeting his entire family. Oh dear God please help get through this.

"Ana, you've been quiet the entire time and I've allowed you to get lost in your thoughts but please baby, relax. They are going to love you."

I would feel much better if Christian said, "They're going to love you as much as I do."

So far he's been silent regarding the "L" word but, he is taking me to meet his family so I know he cares for me deeply.

I'm starting to hate those words, "I care for you deeply." Just say you love me dammit! I'm such a hypocrite. I know I love Christian and I haven't said it either!

Gah! Now's not the time to think about these sorts of things. Focus Steele, we're here! Oh shit!

Christian opens the door for me and we head up towards the walkway. I see a very beautiful woman who I assume is Dr Grey and standing next to her must be her husband. They make a stunning couple. I can't help but think about my parents and God parents. I would be with them during the Thanksgiving Holiday celebrating with them and with Noah.

I'm lost in my thoughts and before you know it, I'm standing right in front of them. Please God, help me.

"Mother, father." Christian says as he kisses his mother's cheek and shakes his father's hand. Geez, he's so formal. I would like for you to meet my girlfriend Anastasia Steele. Anastasia, these are my parents, Dr. Grey and Carrick Grey."

I extend my hand and say, "Dr. Grey, Mr. Grey. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Mr. Grey smiles at me while Dr. Grey is beaming.

"Oh it's so nice you meet you Anastasia." Dr Grey says as she smiles at Christian.

"Yes Anastasia, it really is." Mr. Grey chimes in.

"Please call me Ana." I say as I smile and they lead me in. I notice Dr. Grey smiling at me as she sees that Christian is holding my hand, he gives me a reassuring squeeze as we enter the family room.

The house is very warm and you can smell the turkey cooking. I'm very hungry and I cannot wait to dig in. I hope I don't spill or make a fool of myself.

"Ana, please call me Grace and this is Carrick. No formalities dear."

I look to Christian, he smiles and whispers in my ear, "I told you they would love you."

I see two people who I assume are Elliot and Mia. Mia jumps up and barrels towards us, full throttle.

"Oh dear God, I better brace myself. Here comes Hurricane Mia." Christian mutters under his breath.

"Christian! Oh my God, Christian! You're here and you've really brought a girl with you! Oh my God!"

Poor Christian, I can see him tensing up as she prepares to attack him with hugs and then...

**BAM!**

I feel Mia's arms around me, she's squeezing me so hard.

"Mia, take it easy. She just walked in the door for fuck's sake! You're going to scare her off dammit!"

"Christian! Language!" Dr. Grey exclaims.

"Oh chill out big brother. If you haven't scared her off, there's no chance that I will Mr. Grumpy!"

Oh, she may come on strong but I like her already.

"Mia, you can let her go now." Christian grumbles.

"Ok, fine. Hi, I'm Mia and I suppose you are Anastasia right? We've heard very little about you. Getting information from Christian is nearly impossible so please be patient with me. I want to know everything about you. How you met, what your first date was like? You know, all the details that my brother refuses to share."

I turn a bright shade of red. I cannot share any details of our first date. We made love and fucked on our first date! Oh dear Lord, this is going to be an interesting Thanksgiving.

I see a good-looking blonde guy and I can only guess that this is Elliot.

"Hi Anastasia, I'm Elliot. Christian's older and much better looking big brother." He says with a bright beautiful smile, his eyes are alight with humor. I like Elliot.

"It's very nice to meet both of you but please call me Ana." I say just above a whisper.

Good God Steele, speak up!

"Cool!" Elliot says and takes my hand. "Come sit next to me Ana and tell me, do you have any friends that look as hot as you?"

"Elliot, take your paws off of my girlfriend and calm down." Christian growls.

"Easy bro, I'm just trying to be friendly." He says as he laughs and raises his hands in defeat.

"Whatever." Christian says as he takes my hand and has me sit next to him on the long "L" shaped sofa.

Christian wraps his arms around my waist and I feel all their eyes upon us. I feel so uncomfortable and I try to think of something to say but nothing comes out.

"Ya know Ana, some people thought Christian was gay." Mia says as she giggles.

"Mia!" Grace shouts.

"Oh dear God." Christian mumbles.

"Dude! I always knew you had it in you. You just needed the right person to get you worked up!"

"Elliot!" Carrick exclaims in frustration.

I turn red again, Christian lowers his head and smiles at me. He whispers in my ear, "Yup, this is my family."

A few hours later we are sitting in the family room stuff to the gills from the wonderful turkey dinner that Grace and Mia prepared. They have hired help but Grace enjoys cooking when she has the time and Mia enjoys whipping up and making creative desserts.

I find that I am very relaxed with Christian's family and I really enjoy their company. As the it gets later into the evening, everyone prepares to retire.

Christian and I had discussed the fact that I did not think it was appropriate for us to share a room. They have plenty of guest bed rooms but Mia insisted that I sleep in her room.

Christian walks me upstairs and guides me inside his room. It's very simple, blue walls, a huge bed, lots of posters, a desk with a lap top and something else...a very huge closet. I try to take a peek but he stops me. Nothing in there but clothes and a mess.

He takes my hand and shows me where I will be sleeping. Mia's bedroom is more like a mini-palace! It's huge with an extra bed, she has a vanity table and mirror, a huge walk in closet with more clothes and shoes that I have ever seen in a life time.

"Mia is into fashion." Christian mumbles.

"So I see." I say overwhelmed at the glitz.

"Christian!" Mia sashays in her bedroom. "Go on now, Ana belongs to me now. We're going to bond so hit the road big brother."

"Fine!" Christian groans. He approaches me, cups my chin and gives me a chaste kiss on my nose. "Sleep well baby. I'll see you in the morning."

"Thanks Christian, I will. You sleep well too."

Christian walks out but before he closes the door he says, "Hey Mia, don't talk her ear off and Ana, don't believe anything she tells you."

"Hit the road Christian!" Mia shouts as she throws a "Hello Kitty" pillow at him.

Mia is my age so we bonded immediately. She fills me in on her life and her many adventures, she's looking forward to graduating from high school, she has no idea what she wants to do but she thinks she might want to dabble in making pastries. She sort of all over the place but I can tell that she is sincere and she has a big heart. She's very loyal and I can tell that she is very protective of her family.

"Ana, please forgive me for my boldness but I have to ask you something." She says as she plops herself on my bed.

Oh shit. Here we go.

"Sure, what is it?"

"Has Christian said it yet? You know? That he loves you?"

Shit!

"I'm sorry to pry it's just...look, I know I'm the little sister but I really don't want to see Christian hurt. He's never brought a girl home before and he's never dated. He's done...other things."

"Other things?" I say curiously.

"He's had some challenges in his life, surely you know that." Mia whispers.

"Yes, he's told me about his...birthmother and I've seen the scars."

"Ok, well. I'm glad he's being open with you. I just don't want him hurt Ana." She says as tears well up in her eyes.

"Mia, I'm not going to hurt him, I love him." I say quietly as I grasp her hand.

Mia sits up and hugs me hard!

"I knew it! I knew you that you loved him from the moment I saw you with him! I'm so happy!"

I manage a small smile.

"Ana? What's wrong? Don't tell me he hasn't told you yet? He has hasn't he?"

Now it's my turn to try to hold in the tears.

"Ana, listen to me." Mia says as she squeezes my hand. "My brother loves you. It's written all over his face, he loves you so much."

"Do you really think so?" I ask hoping that she is right. I need for him to love me because I do love him so.

"Ana, I have never seen my brother like this before...ever! He loves you Ana! He's just..." Mia stops short with a pained look on her face.

"Just what Mia? Please tell me."

"Well, you know. He's been hurt and if he opens himself up to you and you hurt him..."

"Oh Mia, I love him so much, I see the pain in his eyes. The pain is so deep, I can see it's buried in his soul. I want to help Mia, I really do." I say meaning every single word.

"I know you do Ana, I can see it in your eyes and I can see the way you look at him and when you are together, I can see that you're both in love. Let's get some sleep, you have an early day tomorrow and I don't want to keep you up."

Mia turns off her lamp and much to my surprise, she stays in my bed and we fall asleep together.

"No, no, please...stop shouting."

"Ana, wake up. It's ok, it's Christian. He's having one his..."

"Nightmares?" I ask.

"More like night terrors." Mia says quietly. "It's ok, it will pass."

I'm in shock, his screams are horrifying and Mia just sits here on the bed with me.

"Mia, aren't you going to do anything?" I ask as I grab my robe.

"No and neither are you Ana, you need to listen to me." She says as she grabs my wrist.

"I can't hear this Mia, it's awful. We need to help..."

I hear crashing sounds and then it's over.

"There, see. It's over now. Let's go back to sleep." She says as she lies down.

I lay down in the dark thinking about those horrible screams and crashing noises. Oh dear God, what have I gotten myself into?

**A/N**

**So there it is, Noah and Christian have made their peace, more or less. Ana has met The Grey Family and now Ana hears Christian's night terrors and they have freaked her out big time.**

**Do me a solid and please review.**

**Rosie**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N**

**I made a comment in the previous chapter's A/N about my thoughts and prayers being with Boston. I then received a review from one of my loyal guest reviewers who goes by the name of Tik. I was so touched by Tik's words that I felt compelled to share. **

**The following comment was written by Tik, "My prayers goes out to Boston , Iraq , Syria, Palestine and any other country face with despair. Every human life is precious no matter which country they are from."**

**So very true Tik, so very true...Thank you very much.**

**APOV**

I wake up to the sound of music, a piano. I see Mia is sleeping soundly and I decide to get up and see who it is. I'm hoping it's Christian. I need to make sure he's ok.

I follow the sounds of the melody. It's a dark and haunting piece. I quietly approach the room and see Christian playing, he's deep in thought, his eyes are closed but I can still see the pained look on his face.

He looks so beautiful. He's bare-chested, the moonlight hits him perfectly and illuminates the room which gives it a haunting glow.

"Hey Anastasia." I hear a soft voice say to me.

I gasp, scared out of my mind when I feel hands cover my mouth.

I see that it's Elliot. He puts a finger to his mouth as a sign for me to keep my voice down. I nod and he removes his hand.

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't want you to disturb my little brother. This is what he does after...a rough night." He says with a whisper of sadness.

I realize that Elliot doesn't have a shirt on, he's wearing some PJ bottoms with happy faces on them and I can't help but smile, even during this very sad moment.

"Elliot, please call me Ana and why don't you want to disturb him?" I ask as I try to understand more of who Christian is a person.

"He needs to this, to play his music. This is his therapy if you will."

"Did you hear him Elliot? He was screaming earlier, it was horrible. I wanted to help him, you know, wake him up but Mia stopped me."

"She had to stop you Ana, it was for your own safety."

"My own safety? What's going on here? I'm really trying to hard to understand but Christian has not told me about this."

So much for honesty.

"He hurt Mia."

My heart stops.

"He hurt Mia? How?"

"Listen Ana, it was a long time ago and he feels awful about what he did to her. For our own safety we leave him be and the nightmare..."

"You mean night terror? That's what Mia called it."

"Yes, the night terror eventually subsides and he comes to on his own. Shit! He stopped playing, let's get out of..."

"Elliot freeze!" Christian shouts.

"Oh shit, don't move Ana. We're busted. Just be cool and stay behind me ok?"

"Why Elliot?"

"Just do it! Shhh, he's coming."

"What the fuck are you doing Elliot? The door was shut, you know I don't like to be disturbed."

"Sorry little brother, I was thirsty and I came to get a drink of water and..."

"What the fuck? Ana, is that you?" Christian growls.

What's wrong with him, why is he being so mean?

I step out from behind Elliot, "Yes, it's me. Christian, are you alright? I heard screams and loud crashing noises and..."

Elliot nudges me and I think he wants me to stop talking but it's too late. I've waved the red cape at the bull, his nostrils are flaring as he charges full force.

Oh. My. God.

**CPOV**

Look at them, the both of them. Elliot without his shirt on and my girl is indecent. She's wearing a tank top and some very revealing shorts! What the fuck! Are they carrying on behind my back?

"I'm fine Ana! Will you please excuse us. I would like to speak to Elliot alone please."

"Christian, I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

"Leave Ana, now!" I shout as I see red.

I look at Ana, she turns and leaves. I wait for the door to shut and I return my attention to Elliot.

"What the fuck where you up to big brother?"

"Nothing bro, I told you. I was getting a glass of water and..."

"That's not what I mean and you fucking know it! What the fuck where you doing with my girl?"

Elliot's eyes widen in surprise and shock.

"Dude, you need to chill. We weren't doing anything!" He shouts at me.

I push him against the wall without warning and push my arm under his chin.

"Christian! What the fuck do you..." Elliot shouts but I don't let him finish.

I lean forward and whisper in a very menacing and dark voice, "You want her don't you? She's mine Elliot, you can't have her. No one can take her away from me, not even you with your sunshine and rainbows. She's mine! Got it!"

Elliot pushes me off of him and gets in a fighting stance, ready to mano a mano.

His eyes go dark and he speaks to me in an equally menacing tone, "Look dude, you wanna go there? Bring it! I'm not all sunshine and rainbows and I'd be more than happy to show you, but you're my brother and despite the fact that you're fifty shades of fucked up, I love you. Now I suggest you find that girl of yours and apologize for your behavior."

The red that I saw a moment ago dissipates and I come back to my senses. Holy fuck! What have I done?

"Elliot, shit man...I'm so sorry. I don't know why..."

"Save it shit head and go find your girl."

I sprint to the door fearing that Ana has seen me at my worst and will want to run, before I leave I turn to my big brother and say, "Thanks Elliot."

Elliot nods and says, "Christian, you won't lose Ana to me or to anyone. That girl loves you, my fear is that you will lose her by your actions little brother. You better get your shit straightened out bro before it's too late."

Elliot's words ring true. I feel like shit. How could I have spoken to her like that? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I fly up the stairs and I try to catch my Firecracker before she approaches the door. She's walking with her shoulders slumped and her head down.

Fuck!

I may have broken her spirit! I am such an ass.

_You're worse than an ass Grey! Look at her! You're shit, you're worse than shit. Leave her be! She deserves better than you!_

"Firecracker, wait! Please!" I shout as I approach her.

She turns I can see that she trying to fight the tears that are welling up in her eyes. She's here, alone. No family on Thanksgiving and I have reduced her to tears!

Shit.

"Oh, you're talking to me now?" She sniffles.

I grab my Firecracker and take her in my arms, I hug and squeeze her tight. Her arms are limp as they remain by her side.

"Baby, please hold me. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry. Please don't leave me Ana, please forgive me."

Ana tries to break away from me but I refuse and only tighten my grip. Oh God, she wants to leave me. Elliot's right, I'm going to lose her and it's my own fucking fault!

I feel her arms raise and for a moment I feel relief as I think she's going to hug me in return. I then get a feeling in the pit of stomach as I realize that she's trying to break free from my embrace.

"Christian, let me go!" Ana shouts.

Oh God, this is it! I just got her and now I'm losing her.

"No Ana, I won't! I'll never let you go! Never!"

"Christian, please. I need to see you." She pleads.

She wants to see me? Why?

"You want to see me? So then you're not...you're not leaving me?"

"Of course not you idiot! Now let me go!"

I release her and she's huffing and puffing. Oh shit, she's mad, mad at me. I don't like this, I don't like this at all.

"What the fuck is the matter with you Christian? Why did you behave that way with Elliot?"

"Ana I'm sorry!" I shout.

"Ssssshhhh, keep it down. You wanna wake up your parents and Mia? It's bad enough you got in a fight with Elliot and I don't want to discuss it right now. It's not the proper time or place. We'll talk when we get back to school."

"So then, you're really not running?" I ask again, I need to be sure.

She takes a deep breath and rolls her eyes at me as if to say, 'Oh brother!'

"No, I already said I'm not leaving you." She approaches and hugs me hard while she nuzzles my chest.

Oh God, I tense up and then relax. I like this, I like her nuzzling me. It feels good, safe, reassuring, loving.

Ana looks up at me, gets on her tip toes and kisses my cheek.

"I'm going to bed Christian, I think you should too, but first you should apologize to your brother."

And with those words she enters Mia's bedroom but before she closes the door she comes back out, hugs me once more and says, "I'm not going anywhere Christian Grey."

I breathe a momentary sigh of relief, look to the heavens above and say, "Thank you."

She is still mine and for now...for this moment, I take solace in that thought.

**A/N**

**Please let me know your thoughts on this chapter.**

**Thank you,**

**Rosie **


	24. Chapter 24

**APOV**

I wake up well rested but very confused about last night's events. Mia is still sleeping soundly but if I don't ask her now, I'm not sure if we will have another opportunity to speak in private. I nudge Mia slightly and she says, "No, I'm not ready for my photo shoot Nigel. Give me another hour or so. Super-models need their rest."

I can't help but giggle. Oh Mia, she's definitely someone I would like in my social circle, if I ever had a social circle that is.

"Mia, wake up. It's Ana."

"No, I need my rest."

"Mia, they need you on the runway now!"

Mia bolts up, "Am I late?"

I giggle and say no, "I was just teasing you, I guess you were dreaming about being a super-model or something."

"Well, that was a pretty sneaky way of waking me up." She says with her arms crossed.

Oh shoot, I hope I didn't make her too angry with me.

A sly smile spreads across her face and she says, "That was a good one. I like it!"

Ok, I guess we're good.

"Listen Mia, we don't have much time but I need to ask you something."

"Sure Ana, shoot." Mia says as she sits up in bed.

"What happened with you and Christian?"

Mia's eyes widen. "What do you mean what happened? When?"

"You know. When Christian...hurt you."

Mia tenses up and says quickly, "Ana, that was a long time ago and it was an accident. How do you know about that? Did Christian tell you?"

"No, Elliot told me last night before I went to check on Christian. He was having a nightmare."

"Crap! Did you see him? Are you ok?" She lifts my arms and checks my body, for what I wonder?

"I'm fine Mia, Elliot stopped me."

"Oh thank God!" Mia breathes a huge sigh of relief.

What the hell is happening? I don't get it?!

"Thank God for what? What's going on? What happened Mia? Tell me now, I need to know."

"Ana, I'll say it again. It was a long time ago and nothing has happened to me since then. Are we clear? You need to understand what I'm saying before I go on."

**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**

"Ana, are you up? It's time to get go." Christian chimes in from outside the door.

"Give us a minute big brother, we're still trying to wake up." Mia shouts back.

"Fine! I'll be downstairs, don't keep me waiting Ana. You need to eat a good breakfast."

"Geez, what is it with him and food?" I ask.

"I'll fill you in on that as well. Come on." She takes my hand and leads me to her private bathroom.

Twenty minutes later I'm sitting on her bed in complete shock.

"Ana, are you ok Ana? Look, I know that was a lot to unload on you but I wouldn't have told you if I didn't think that you loved him, which I know you do."

Silence...

"Ana, say something please. You're scaring me. I hope I didn't tell you anything that would change your mind about Christian."

I'm stunned silent. Mia just told me about that night. She was thirteen years old, Christian was fifteen years old.

Mia heard Christian screaming, she ran to his room and attempted to wake him up. Her parents had told her repeatedly to leave Christian alone. They were seeking help for him and no one should attempt to wake him up during his night terrors.

Mia couldn't take it anymore, she loved her brother so much and she was sure she could help him. Mia was the only one allowed to touch him, so obviously she was the key to making him all better.

She opened his door and saw him thrashing in bed, he screaming, "No, please. Please don't hurt me. I'll be a good boy."

Mia started to cry, he didn't sound like himself. He didn't sound like a fifteen year old teenager. He sounded like a little 4-year-old boy, so much sadness, so much pain.

Mia sat on his bed and said, "Christian, please wake up. It's ok, it's just a nightmare."

He kept thrashing and Mia touched his shoulder, he bolted upright and pushed her as hard as he could, "No! Don't touch me! Stay the fuck away me! Why do you let him do this? I hate you! I fucking hate you!"

Mia was pushed so hard, that she fell back off of his bed and bumped her head hard the on the floor. She screamed and Christian's parents came bolting in.

Christian woke up and was horrified to see Mia being tended to by Grace, while Carrick was keeping a watchful eye on Christian.

Christian was devastated, he couldn't believe that he hurt Mia. He wanted to be sent away so that he wouldn't hurt anyone else but the Greys refused. They found him another therapist and went to many sleep clinics but no one has been able to help him.

Christian was placed on anti-depressants, he hated them but they did seem to help. He was weaned off of them after one year, but he still hasn't found any solace or escape from the nightmares.

What's worse is what he didn't tell me about his childhood **_before_** the Greys adopted him. He was left alone with his birth mother for four days, trying to scrounge up food. That's why he always smiles when he sees me eating. It must make him happy to know that I have a good appetite and I'm not afraid to stuff my face.

"Ana! It's time!" Christian shouts.

"Ana, are you ok?" Mia asks.

"Uh...As well as can be expected I suppose. Come on, let's get ready before Christian gets suspicious."

I take a quick shower and while I'm rinsing off Mia shouts out, "Ana, I went shopping earlier this week and I bought you an outfit. I leave it on the bed. I hope you like it!"

"You didn't have to do that Mia, but thanks! I can't wait to see it!" I shout back to her.

After I dry of I grab my bra and panties, I put them on quickly and see the clothes laid out on the bed.

Wow! She bough me an entire outfit!

It's perfect and it's exactly what I would wear.

Mia bought me a rose blush lace cami with rolled up skinny jeans, a grey cardigan, ballerina rose blush flats with glitter bows . Chunky bracelets and matching earrings as accessories and a checkered grey and cream designer type of bag.

"I hope you like it Ana."

"Oh my gosh Mia! I love it! Thank you so much!" I say as I give her a hug.

"Do you like the Louis Vuitton bag?" She asks with concern. "I hope I didn't overwhelm you with all this swag."

So I was right. A designer bag! I've never had one before. I can get used to this fashion type thing.

"Mia, I am overwhelmed but I do love it! Thanks again."

Mia and I make our way downstairs and for whatever reason, we begin to giggle. Perhaps because we bonded. Heck, I don't know.

As we make our way to the dining area I see Mr. and Mrs. Grey...er, I mean Carrick and Grace, Elliot and Christian.

Shit!

I hope they haven't been waiting on us!

"Right on time girls." Grace says as we take our seats.

I take my seat next to Christian, Mia sits on the other side of me, Elliot sits across from us along with Carrick and Grace.

We enjoy a nice breakfast together while Mia and Grace discuss the black Friday after Thanksgiving sales.

I'm surprised that Grace and Mia would brave the crowds for a discount. It's not like they aren't very well to do.

Mom and I would hit the sales after Thanksgiving and it was so much fun. We would get up at four in the morning braving the cold and the crowds just to get that one sale item. Sometimes we come away with a win, other times we left empty-handed. It wasn't so much about getting the sale, it was more about spending time together with my mom.

God I miss my parents so much...

**CPOV**

"Christian, I do wish you didn't have to leave so soon darling. We're going to miss you." Grace says as she looks at me with a smile on her face, then she looks to Ana.

She's debating, having an internal battle with herself. What is she going to say. I better brace myself.

"Christian, I think it would be lovely if you invite Ana over to spend the Christmas holiday with us. Wouldn't that be wonderful son."

I want to jump out of my chair and yell, 'Hell yeah it would be agreat idea!' but I don't want to overwhelm Ana more than I already have. Of course me being a selfish asshole, I do want what I want, so I decide to put Ana on the spot.

"What do you think Ana? Would you like to spend Christmas with me and my family?" I look at my beautiful Firecracker, she's lost in thought. She looks sad.

Fuck!

I've lost her! She's going to say, 'Hell no! You're fucked up!'

Hold it together Grey. You can do this.

I squeeze her knee and try to bring her back, "Ana? Firecracker, are you ok?"

She shakes her head and tries to discretely wipe a tear from her eye.

"I'm sorry. Yes, I'm fine. I was thinking about my mom. We used to go shopping on black Friday...and well...you know..."

My mother quickly chimes in, "It's alright dear. No need to explain. The holidays can be especially difficult which is why I think it would be good for you to spend Christmas with us. What do you say Ana?"

I am so grateful to Grace, she made this so much harder for Ana to decline this invitation as it came from my mother. When I'm rich I'm going to buy Grace the best piece of jewelry she's ever had!

Ana's eye widen, she's apparently surprised at the invitation. She has no clue how she's won my family over. I look to my dad as if in a silent plea, he smiles and knows what I want.

"Please Ana, we would be honored to have you join us." Carrick says with a smile.

I'm about to go in for the kill when Mia shrills, "Oh my God Ana! Yes! Please say you'll come! It will be a blast with you here! Please! Please! Please! We can go shopping together for more outfits! Oh please say you will come! Please!"

This is one of the few times that I am so fucking grateful for Mia's buoyant and very pushy ways.

"Well Firecracker, what you do say?" I ask as I squeeze her hand.

She takes a deep breath and all I can think about is last night. My fucking night terrors. I know she heard them. Then there's the shitty way I spoke to her, the way I attacked my brother, all my fuckedupness was on full display.

This is it. I'm going to lose her. My happiness with Ana lies in the balance. She controls everything. With her words she can destroy me or make the happiest most luckiest fucker around.

She looks to me, then to my parents, she looks at Mia, then to Elliot and then back to me again.

Then there's that silence once more. I know it doesn't take long for her reply but it fucking feels like a lifetime and I'm aging right before her eyes. She's fucking killing me!

"Jesus Ana will you say something before my little brother passes out!" Elliot blurts out as Mia starts to laugh.

Oh sure, I love how they revel in my slow torture at the hands of my Firecracker.

"I'm so touched. Thank you so much for inviting me." Ana says as she squeezes my hand.

I slowly let out the breath that I was holding. Thank fuck for that.

"I would love to spend the holidays with all of you. Thank you, you have no idea..."

Then out of nowhere, Ana breaks down and starts to sob...hard.

What the fuck? What's going on? I really must have fucked up bad. She's leaving me. She only said those things to be nice. She doesn't want me. I'm fucked, I'm so fucking fucked!

**APOV**

I can't believe I'm going to spend the holidays with my boyfriend and his wonderful family. I'm so happy and so sad at the same time. Grace is right, it's tough when you lose family, but it's multiplied ten times over during the holidays and the milestones that I will reach knowing my loved ones aren't here to celebrate with me.

It hits me hard and fast and I cannot control it. I'm going to cry and I cannot stop it, I want to fight it but it's just too strong and powerful...

"Oh mommy, daddy..." I sob and quickly cover my face with my hands.

"Ana, baby. Please don't cry. It's ok, I've got you." I hear Christian say as he attempts to comfort me.

For the first time that I'm with him, I cannot find solace in his arms. I feel the rustle of people leaving the room.

There's a touch on my shoulder, a comforting touch. I place my hand on the hand that is comforting me. I look up and I see Grace.

She looks like an angel, an angel of comfort, sent from heaven to console me.

Before I know what I'm doing and before I can stop myself, I quickly stand and I throw myself at her and hug her hard.

My crying becomes harder and I say, "Grace, I miss them so much..."

I see Christian for a moment, he looks lost, confused and for a moment, I think he looks relieved.

"Mother, what can I do?" Christian asks.

"Christian, just leave us be for a bit. I'm going to take her to the great room where we can sit for a bit before you head back to school." Grace says as she continues to hold me. She feels so good, so comforting.

"Mother, I have to do something, I can't just do nothing."

My poor Christian is lost, I need to help him.

"Christian?" I say quietly.

He nearly jumps out of his skin.

"Yes Firecracker, what is it? What can I do to help you?"

"I would like some tea if it isn't too much trouble?" I say in between my sniffles.

"Tea? Good! Right! I'm on it!" Christian says as he runs to the kitchen.

Grace leads me to the great room and we sit next to each other while she holds my hand. I suddenly feel embarrassed about my outburst of tears and I try to lighten the mood.

"Christian making me tea should keep him busy for a bit, I would think."

Grace smiles and says, "Yes, I'm sure he doesn't know his way around the kitchen but I'm sure Mia will help him out."

"Grace, I'm so sorry...sorry for breaking down like that, I had no..."

"Ana, please. There's no need to apologize dear. It's perfectly natural to feel the way you are feeling."

"I'm sure it is but I'm so embarrassed." I say as she hands me tissue.

"Oh sweetheart, there's no need to feel embarrassed. If anything I am happy that you broke down here, with us rather than somewhere else, alone."

"Thank you Grace, I feel better already." I say as my breathing returns to normal.

"Ana?" Christian says as he slowly opens the door and pokes his head in. He looks unsure of himself.

"Hi Christian, I'm fine. Come." I say quietly.

**CPOV**

Grace stands and says, "I'll leave you two alone. Christian, after Ana finishes her tea, you should take her out to get some fresh air. You don't have to leave for a couple of hours."

Christian hands me my tea and says, "Thanks mom. I'll do that."

Grace closes the door and gives us some much-needed privacy. I feel bad that my Firecracker broke down in tears but I am relieved that the tears weren't tears she was shedding because she was leaving me. I'm a selfish fucked up bastard I know, but I can't help feeling grateful that I'm not the cause of her pain and thus, she will not be the cause of my pain.

Ana sips her tea quietly and I sit next to her, I squeeze her knee and she looks to me and smiles.

"This is really good tea Christian. Thank you."

"You're welcome Firecracker. I made it with my own two hands." I say as I stroke her soft hair, I lean in and inhale her scent. She always smells so good. I want to fuck her right here in this room, I want to make her scream.

"You're tea making skills are quite impressive." She says as she finishes her tea.

"I have other skills that are much more impressive if only you'll let me show you." I say as I cup her pussy. God I wish she would let me taste her. She's so freaked out about me going down there. I still cannot believe that Noah couldn't convince her that it was ok.

Part of me is grateful, I will be the first and only one to taste her and I'm going to do it now dammit!

"Christian, please. We can't do anything here and you said you would give me time to think about that..."

I don't answer her. I take her empty cup, place it on the end table and say, "Come, let's get some fresh air."

She takes my hand, I pull her up against me and I kiss her hard. I force my tongue against her lips, she parts her mouth willingly and begins to moan.

"Christian, oh God...please."

I pull away from her and drag her outside.

"Christian, slow down." She says as she slightly runs to keep up with me.

Before she knows what's happening, I grab her and place her on my back.

"Christian, what are you doing? You're so crazy!" She giggles.

"You're too slow and I want to show you the view." I say as I give my girlfriend a piggy back ride.

I love being with my Firecracker, I feel young, I don't have a care in the world and for a little while I can pretend that I'm not fucked up.

I put my Firecracker down and show her the view.

"Well, what do you think?" I ask as I stand behind her and whisper in her ear. "Do you like it?"

"Christian, it's absolutely breathtaking!" She says with wonder.

"When I'm rich, I'm going to build a house and I will have a view that is ten times better than this." I say to Ana as I kiss her neck.

"Oh? Why will your view be ten times better Christian." She asks as I feel her breathing become labored. Oh yeah, she wants me as much as I want her.

"Because my view will include you Ana, that's why." I say as I turn her around to face me.

"Christian, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me...thank you."

"Really?" I'm shocked. "I'm only saying what I feel Ana, what I know is true."

"Well, you should say what you feel more often." She says as she hugs me hard.

I pull back, cup her chin and make her look at me. I get lost in those baby blues, they get me every fucking time!

Anastasia is my everything, I need her, I can't be without her, I breathe her, I sleep her, I love her!

Holy fucking shit! I love her!

"Christian, what's wrong? Are you ok?" Ana asks.

She must have seen the 'Holy shit' look on my face. I better make this right and fast!

"I'm fine, everything is just fine."

"Are you sure, you looked upset for a moment." She says as she furrows her brow.

"Everything is perfect, absolutely perfect because...I love you Anastasia Steele."

**Thanks for reading and please review.**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie**

**Do not read if you don't want to know what's going to happen next!**

**YOU!**

**HAVE! **

**BEEN!**

**WARNED!**

**Christian and Ana get their groove on in the boathouse. My next update will also include another visual snippet (on my Face Book page) and let's just say that photo is going to be very, very HOT! :P**


	25. Chapter 25

**APOV**

"Everything is perfect, absolutely perfect because...I love you Anastasia Steele."

Did I hear him correctly? Did Christian just say those magic words to me?

"Uhm...what?" I ask, I need to be sure.

"You heard me." Christian says as he smiles at me. "I said 'I love you Anastasia Steele.' I'll say it over and over and over again. I love you Anastasia Steele, you're my Firecracker and I love you more than words can say."

"Oh Christian, I love you too! I have for quite a while, only I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid that I would scare you off, that maybe this was all happening too fast for us. I mean, we're still kids ya know?"

"Ana, we may be young, but all I know is that I love you and I want to be with you all the time. When we go back to school, I want you to move in with me."

Whoa! Now it's me that needs to take a step back. Now I am the one that thinks we are moving too fast. How do I tell him this without freaking him out, without hurting his feelings?

"Christian, I would like nothing more than to move in with you but..."

"But what Ana? I thought you loved me? I want you Ana, I need you so much."

"Christian, I feel the same way. Really I do. It's just that this relationship is still so new to us and I want to nurture it. You mean everything to me, don't you see that? I don't want to ruin us by moving too fast. Can you just give me a little time please?"

Christian looks away from me, he's lost in his thoughts. A slow smile spreads across his face and he says, "Ok, if time is what you want, you shall have it. I'm just happy that your mine and that you love me too. Come, I want to show you something."

He grabs my hand and practically drags me with him. "Christian, slow down. You take much longer strides than I do."

"Oh good God woman." Christian says as he flings me over his shoulder.

"Christian!" I shout as I giggle. "What are you doing? Put me down you caveman!"

"Well, if I'm a caveman, you are my cave woman and isn't better that I carry you over my shoulders instead of dragging you by your beautiful mane? There now, were here." Christian says as he puts me back down.

"Here? Here where?" I ask I look around and then I see it, right in front of us.

"My boat house, well, my parent's boat house really. Come, let me show you around."

"Christian, this is amazing!" I say as he leads by the hand, he doesn't waste anytime leading me straight to what I presume is a bedroom.

We stop outside the door and he says, "We don't have to go inside if you don't want to."

Ok, now I know it's a bedroom.

I look up to him and smile, "Open the damn door Christian."

He kisses my nose, smiles and opens the door.

It's a beautiful room with a four-poster bed, the walls are painted in a soothing blue color. I walk in and sit on the bed. Christian follows behind and sits next to me.

I want to ask him about his nightmares but I don't want to pry. He should willingly tell me about them. It's like the elephant in the room and we're both ignoring it.

"This is my bedroom." Christian says quietly.

"Your bedroom? I don't understand." Then I think to myself, he must sleep here because of the nightmares.

"Well, I figure you heard me screaming last night. I sometimes sleep here in order to avoid disturbing my family. After my night terrors are over, I usually play the piano. It's very soothing. I figure Elliot or Mia probably told you about my nightmares, didn't they?"

I take Christian's hand in order to reassure him that I'm ok knowing all these things. I take a deep breath and go for it. "Yes, they both did. I heard you screaming, matter of fact I was going to enter your bedroom to try to help you."

Christian jumps off of the bed. "You what?!"

"Don't yell at me Christian. I only wanted to help."

"Anastasia, I could have hurt you! What were you thinking?! Oh fuck! Well, it doesn't matter. The door to my bedroom was locked anyway so you couldn't have gotten inside."

"You shouldn't lock your door Christian, that's dangerous."

"No! It's dangerous for me to **_not_** lock the door!"

"Don't yell at me. This is your fault anyway! If you had been honest with me about these nightmares that you have, we wouldn't be arguing right now!"

"Ana, please don't be mad at me. I don't think I could take it." He says as he kneels in front of me while I sit on the edge of the bed.

"I have to lock the door. I did something awful...it was a long time ago but..."

"Is this about what happened with Mia?" I ask.

"You know about that?" He asks as his eyes widen in shock.

"Elliot touched on the subject, but he wouldn't go into detail so I asked Mia. She told me what happened. Christian, it was an accident."

"Ana, I'm a monster. Don't you see? There's something sick inside of me and...I feel awful, I feel like shit for even wanting you in my life but I can't help it. I'm drawn to you Ana, I need you more than I need the fucking air that I breathe."

"Christian, don't say that! You are not a monster. You've had a difficult childhood, that's all! Don't give up on yourself! I am never giving up on you. I love you Christian Grey!"

Christian stands, lifts me in his arms and says, "Oh Ana, my Firecracker. God I love you. I fucking love you so much baby."

He lays me gently on the bed and I say, "I love you too Christian, always."

Christian lays down next to me and we start to kiss each other gently and lovingly. It feels so good. I grab Christian's hair and kiss him hard. I want him, I need him, I feel myself getting wet for him.

"I want you Ana, please baby." He moans as he pushes his hard on against me.

He rolls over and gets on top of me, kissing me with a renewed hunger, "Oh Ana, God you fucking turn me on baby."

He starts to grind up against me and I push my hips up against him.

"Oh Christian, I want you...please." I moan and beg. I cant' take this anymore.

Christian quickly rolls off of me, he strips down to his boxers while I strip down to my bra and panties, we jump back in bed together, me on top of him.

I'm feeling playful so I straddle myself over his thigh and pull down on the front of his boxers and say, "Hello down there, ready to have some fun?"

Christian laughs and says, "You're not finished."

"What do you mean?" I ask while I bat my lashes.

"You know what I mean, I want you naked now." I demands.

"Well, I want you naked now too!" I can demand just as much as he can.

He removes his boxers while I unhook and remove my bra, "Let me help you with those." He says as he caresses my breasts.

"Oh how I've missed them." He moans while I pull down my panties.

Oh I've missed his warm naked body. It's only been a little over twenty-four hours since we've been together like this, but it seems like a life time ago.

We don't do a thing except hold one another. I think he's enjoying our physical touch as much as I am. I bury my face in his strong sculpted chest and inhale.

"Oh God Christian, you smell so good."

"Oh baby, you feel so good." He says as he holds me tight. He starts to squeeze me harder. I'm finding it difficult to breathe and I try to pull away in order to loosen his grip. No such luck.

Finally I say, "Christian, let me go."

"Never baby, sorry. You're stuck with me...forever." He says as he loosens his grip. He pulls me away from his chest and kisses me. "I love you so much Ana. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone. Thank you Firecracker."

"For what Christian?"

"For happening to me baby." He says as he kisses me once more.

"Ana, your lips. Your soft pink swollen lips. I want them. I want to taste them. I want to nibble on them. I want to own them." He moans and kisses me over and over.

"My lips are yours Christian, you have them. They belong to you. I belong to you." I moan as I feel myself building up, wanting more, needing more. I want him inside of me.

"No Ana, not these lips." Christian says as his hands work their way down to my kitty.

Oh shit! That's it! He wants to go down there!

"I want these lips and I will not be denied baby!" Christian says as he works his way down my body. Kissing me every step of the way.

This is it, I'm finally going to let him go down there. I'm not sure how I feel about this. There's a part of me that really wants to let him do it but...I pee down there! I can't get over that. I'm glad I showered this morning. At least I know that I'm fresh and clean down there.

I'm nervous as I feel Christian kissing my stomach. "You are so sweet baby, I love the feel and taste of your skin."

My body is in flames, I can't stop moving, his words and his touch fill me with desire. I need him in so many ways. I too, cannot get my fill of Christian. I feel at times that his need for me is a little too possessive but when he gets me going like this, I feel that very same need. I want him to touch me everywhere. I want him to consume me, body and soul the way I want to consume him. The feelings that I get when I'm with Christian are extreme and at times I wonder if this is more than love. I feel like it's an unhealthy obsession that we have with one another.

Oh my God. I feel his tongue and lips on my kitty. Holy shit! It feels soft and wet and warm and...

**_Oh! Oh! Oh my holy fucking hell I fucking love this!_**

"Well, I'm glad you are enjoying it baby. You taste sooooo fucking good."

"Oh my God? Did I say that out loud?! How embarrassing...Oh! Oh God Christian, yes! What the hell are you doing down there?"

"I'm loving you baby, I'm just loving you." Christian says in between his slurps.

"Fuck! Don't stop, ever!"

**CPOV**

All I want to do is dive in to the wonders of Ana's 'Little Kitty,' as she so calls it but I must go slow. I want my Firecracker to enjoy this feeling. I don't want her embarrassed by it. I want her to feel the wonders that I am able to provide her, starting slowly with a flick of my tongue, I work my way down, loving every inch of her hot body as I go.

My Firecracker can't stop moving, she is so receptive to my touch and she tastes so fucking good!

I have to let her know, I have to put her mind at ease. "You are so sweet baby, I love the feel and taste of your skin."

I kiss her soft sexy thigh as I wrap my arm around it placing my hand flat against her stomach, I can feel the wetness of her arousal on my forearm. I'm almost home!

She's so turned on, I can feel it, she wants more. Does she want me and need me as much as I need her. It's like I'm fucking addicted to my Firecracker, I can never get enough of her. I'm raging on a borderline obsession. I always want to be inside of her, buried in her, body and soul.

I can tell at this very moment, she wants me inside of her, she needs me inside of her. I'm amazed that I can read her body so well. Can she read me too? It's a crazy feeling, I love it but at the same time, it fucking scares the shit out of me.

As much as my Firecracker is enjoying this experience, I can feel that something is off, her body tenses up. She's thinking about something else. She's frightened. Does she know what I'm feeling? Can she fucking read my mind? Does she know that I'm fucking addicted to her? Does she know that there is no drug as powerful as the pull and the feelings that I have for her?

I can't let her dwell on these dark obsessive thoughts, I need for her to focus on the pleasure...

I arrive to my magical and beautiful destination and oh my fuck! I've not been this close to her beautiful Kitty. She was always careful to keep me away for fear that I would dive in.

Fucking right I would!

She's so fucking beautiful! I can see the sheen of her arousal. Her clit is swollen with desire, begging for my attention. I want to bury my face in her kitty but I need to make sure she enjoys every slow torturous moment.

I make my move, licking only the sides of her beautiful pink folds. My Firecracker's hips move from pure reflex.

"Oh! Oh! Oh my holy fucking hell I fucking love this!" Ana shouts out loud.

I knew she would fucking love this! I just knew she would!

"Well, I'm glad you are enjoying it baby. You taste sooooo fucking good." I say appreciatively.

"Oh my God? Did I say that out loud?! How embarrassing!"

She tastes of heaven, there is no sweeter nectar that exists on this Earth or anywhere for that matter. I want to lick her dry! I keep licking the edges of her folds, slowing making my way to her entrance...

"Oh! Oh God Christian, yes! What the hell are you doing down there?"

"I'm loving you baby, I'm just loving you." I say as I continue to slurp up her juicy arousal.

I make my way towards her clit and push my tongue against it, I then start to softly nibble on her clit when my Firecracker shouts, "Fuck! Don't stop, ever!"

She's almost there, I'm going to make her explode. I feel her body tense up as I push my tongue deep inside her soft and sweet tasting kitty, holy shit! Her kitty tightens and squeezes my tongue and with one hard flick her juices flow and...

"Yes! Oh my Gaaaaawwwd!"

"And...**BOOM**! Goes my Firecracker!" I shout victoriously!

**A/N**

**A really big SUPER HUGE THANKS to my lovely reviewer AnonymousGirlOne for suggesting that I write some lemons in the boat house. It's always been a special place for Christian and Ana in the original books and had it not been for her suggestion, this chapter would not have been written, so thanks again love! I really do appreciate it!**

**If you are on Face Book do check out my page. There are some really hot pictures that correspond with this chapter!**

**As always, reviews are greatly appreciated.**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	26. Chapter 26

**APOV**

I slowly regain my senses as I attempt to return to planet Earth. My soul escaped my body as I literally watched myself from above. The power of the orgasm that Christian gave me was too much for my soul to endure. What a sinfully sexy as hell feeling came over me as I exploded. God it was...it was beyond words is what is was!

What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I wait so long to let Christian do this? Oh my God. I felt so naughty letting him go down there and yet it felt so right! He must do that again!

I slowly open my eyes and I see Christian laying on my breasts with a huge Cheshire cat grin spreading across his beautiful face.

"Well," I say as I try to form a complete sentence. "You look like the cat that ate the canary."

"Do I now? I feel more like the boyfriend who licked the kitten in all the right places making her purr in delight."

I giggle and say, "I do like the way you make me purr Christian."

"Oh Firecracker, there's so much more that I have in store for you."

"Oh God, Firecracker is right. You made me explode Christian, that was fuck-mazing!" I say still in awe of how he made me feel.

"Yes, I noticed baby. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." Christian purrs.

"Do it again Christian! Please!" I shamelessly beg him as I nibble on his soft and plump bottom lip.

"Well, well, well. What happened to my shy girl? She appears to have been replaced." He chuckles.

"You have only yourself to blame for creating the sex craved monster that I've become." I say as I slowly stretch lifting my arm behind me as I reach for out Christian in hopes of getting him ready for action.

I roll on to my side while Christian spoons me. This is what I love doing after we've fooled around, it also helps when I rub my backside against him so we can have some more fun.

"Ana, what are you doing baby? Could you be ready for more?" Christian asks as I smile.

"I'm always ready when it comes to you Christian, you know that."

"Yes, I do know that my beautiful Firecracker." Christian says as he wraps himself around me like a vine. One of his hands stroking the top of my head, while his other arm covers one breast and gently squeezes my other breast.

He whispers in my ear, "You're mine Anastasia Rose Steele, don't you ever forget it."

"You're mine as well Christian Trevelyan Grey."

"How did you know about Trevelyan?"

"Mia." I say with a giggle.

"It figures." Christian says as he rolls me over to face him.

He looks so serious. "I meant what said Anastasia. You. Are. Mine."

I look deep in his eyes and I see something, it scares me but the fear that I have is not as strong as the pain that I would feel if he wasn't mine.

"I mean it too Christian. You. Are. Mine."

The mood is quickly lightened by Christian laughing and squeezing me tight. "I'm glad to hear that Firecracker." Christian says as he makes his way down my kitty.

"Oh Ana, I do love how your beautiful rose blossoms just for me." Christian says as he probes a finger inside of me. I buck forward instinctively.

"My rose huh? I've always referred to it as my kitty."

Christian chuckles and says, "Yes, I know, but I really like 'Rose.' It's your middle name and it's one of my favorite parts of your body."

"Is that so? What is your favorite part of my body?" I ask.

"This." He says as he places his hand on my chest and I assume he means my heart.

"Your heart is my favorite part of your body because...because you love me. I still have a hard time believing it's true Ana. I mean how can someone like you love me? How the hell can anyone love me?"

"Christian! Stop that! I won't have my boyfriend talking crazy talk! Are we clear? You deserve love! You deserve to be loved and I'm going to show you how much I love you!" I shout as I get ready to straddle my man.

"Go Firecracker!" Christian says to me as he laughs.

*****One Hour Laters Baby*****

**CPOV**

"Ana? Baby, wake up. We have to get ready to go or else we'll miss our flight."

Ana and I took a quick cat nap. She looks so cute wearing only her panties laying across me with her beautiful hair sprawled out.

I smile as I stroke her face. "Wake up Sleeping Beauty."

"No...let's take a later flight. I want to sleep."

"No can do, I'm tired of sharing you with my family. I want you all to myself now get up." I demand.

"Fine, I'm up anyway..."

Ana and I quickly dress and make our way back to the house. We try to sneak in which is impossible when you have a nosy little sister.

"There you are! I've been looking for you two. Where have you been?" Mia asks.

I look to Ana and smile, she begins to blush, Mia finally gets the picture.

"Uh...yeah. Never mind, I don't want to know."

"Oh God Christian, this is so embarrassing." Ana whispers quietly.

"Mom, dad, I found them. They were out on the dock."

"What were they doing out there for so long?" My mother innocently asks, having no clue of the amazing fuckfest that we just had.

"They were just uh...admiring the view." Mia says as Ana quietly mouths the word 'Thank you' to Mia.

"I got your back Ana. You're family now." Mia giggles. "Just remember to have my back if I should need you."

I don't like the sound of that and I quickly say, "I don't think so baby sister."

We say our good-byes to my parents as Mia and Elliot will accompany us to Sea-Tac.

I hate the airport. It's such a pain in the ass. When I'm rich I'm going to have my own private jet and I'm going to take flying lessons as well. I'll have much better means of transportation. I will learn to fly a jet and a helicopter. Hell, I'll even learn to fly a commercial airplane, a Boeing 757. Fuck yeah!

"Ana, it was so nice meeting you darling and we look forward to you spending Christmas with us. Take care of my baby boy." Grace says as she takes Ana in for a hug.

"Yes Ana, it was a lovely meeting you." My father says to Ana. He hugs her as well and then he shakes my hand.

"You take care of her Christian, she's a jewel."

I'm taken aback by my father's words. He really does like my Firecracker.

"I will dad. Thanks."

Once we get to the airport I quickly say my good-byes to Ell and Mia. Mia squeals as she gives Ana a hug, "I can't wait for Christmas Ana! We're going to have so much fun."

"Me too Mia, I can't wait." My Firecracker says with zeal.

"Ok bro, don't study too hard and take care of Ana. Is it ok with you if I give her a hug or are we going to have problems." He asks as he playfully punches my arm.

"You can hug my Firecracker, just not for too long." I say with all seriousness.

Ana and Elliot hug one another and I see Elliot whisper something in Ana's ear. Ana smiles and whispers something back.

I don't fucking like it, I don't like it at all!

"Ok, ok, that's enough." I bark.

"Bye you two!" Mia squeals once again. She hugs me hard and says, "Christian, I love you and I'm thrilled to finally see you happy big brother!"

Again I'm taken aback. So many changes all due to my Firecracker. God I love her. I'm going to make sure we see more of each other when we return to Harvard.

I smile as I am returning to school with renewed purpose but most importantly, I'm returning to school with the girl that I love. Watch out world! Christian Grey is here and I'm going to take Harvard and the business world by storm!

**A/N**

**Sorry, I know it's a short update but next one will be a bit longer.**

**I stated on my Face Book page that I desperately needed some down time in order to update my stories. Well, I found some down time but I wasn't sure whether to update HATC or Yes Your Honor. Miss Brianna, kindly requested a HATC update so this is for you love.**

**Thanks to my AWESOME FaceBook friends; Amy AKA-princessrolon, Ellie, Donna (Lovedisney), Katie, Liz, Angela, Tifany, Nickole and My Divine Bronze Goddess for offering me some of their down time. Had it not been for them, I don't think I would have gotten my butt in gear to write this update.**

**Special thanks again to my girl Amy AKA-princessrolon for posting so many wonderful pictures on FB. Thanks to Amy, I will have quite a few visual snippets in my upcoming chapters! I also need to show some love to my girl Wendy AKA ****1fitgily. We've been having some fun times on FB!**

**Look me up and join in on the fun!**

**Stay tuned for lemons and big surprises in my next update! I cannot wait to write what's yet to come! :P**

**Please find some down time and leave me a review.**

**Thank you,**

**Rosie :D**


	27. Chapter 27

*****December*****

**CPOV**

"Christian, are you listening? The Professor is talking to you," Ana whispers quietly.

I can't stop staring at my Firecracker, she's so beautiful. She's wearing those dark rimmed glasses with her hair up in a bun and it makes my imagination run wild. I picture Anastasia as the hot and sexy as hell librarian I'd fuck until she splits in two. I would fuck her hard, so hard that I'd make her scream my name out so loud that the entire campus could hear her.

"You really have to look at both sides of the transaction, the buyer and the seller. And yes, sometimes in order for the transaction to be a complete success you do have to compromise," Professor Richard Hare says as he looks in our direction.

I feel Ana kick me under the table and I'm brought back from the sex fantasy that I plan on fulfilling later this evening with my Firecracker.

"What's your thought on that, Mr. Grey?"

Fucking Hare! I can't stand this arrogant bastard. I know he calls me Mr. Grey just to piss me off. Little does that fucker know, that's how everyone will address me when I become rich and powerful. Him addressing me by my surname only fuels my fire and will to succeed.

I'll be rich and he'll still be a professor teaching a business class at Harvard. Students will come and go and he'll always be a miserable little shit!

I didn't want to take Hare**'**s business class. I would have much preferred to take Professor Emerson's class, but for whatever reason Emerson's classes are always filled.

Apparently the girls go crazy for him. I just want to learn from the best but at the same time a part of me was relieved that Ana couldn't get into Emerson's class. I actually did get in, but I didn't want to leave Ana alone to deal with Hare.

There is something off about this fucker. I don't need him lusting over my girl and trying to get into her panties. Her panties belong to me. She belongs to me! I've made that more than perfectly clear with everyone that gets within two feet of her! Ana has been more than patient with me but sometimes I feel like I am beginning to smother her. I just can't lose her. I'd go mad without her.

"I'm waiting, Christian," Hare says as he rolls forward and back on his feet. The bastard doesn't think I've been paying attention.

Everyone thinks I'm whipped over my Firecracker. That may be the case but I'm still aware of my surroundings. I know and sense everything that's happening around me. I'm like fucking Spiderman and I have Spidey senses. Let me show you how it is, you fucktard!

"Christian, eh? I prefer you addressing me by surname as you always have," I say as I cock my head.

"Very well. What say you, Mr. Grey?"

"I say, fuck compromise."

You can hear an audible gasp from the class but I don't give a shit. Fuck this asshole! He thinks I don't notice him leering over my girl's shoulder, slightly inhaling her scent, and eye-fucking her every chance he gets?!

We'd be better off in Emerson's class, he doesn't lay on the charm...that fucker has a natural ability to charm the panties off women without even trying!

Christ! I'm fucked both ways! I know my baby has no interest in this fucktard but I'm not so sure she'd be able to resist the charm of Emerson!

How am I to keep all these fuckers away from my girl?!

"Fuck compromise, you say? Well, it's not that easy. Care to elaborate, Mr. Grey?"

"Fuck yeah! I'd be happy to!" I say spewing venom back at him. I get in my "I'm a CEO" mode and let him have it with both barrels.

"Well, you have this precious commodity and you know that everyone wants to get their filthy hands all over it. You have to do everything within your power to keep this commodity precious and safe in your hands...or rather my hands because I can assure you, no one is touching what's mine. No fucking one!"

"And how would you ensure that no one would take this precious commodity of yours? I'm dying to know your secret, Mr. Grey."

"Well, Professor **_Dick Hare,_** if I told you that**,** then I'd be giving away my trade secret. One of many that I will have in the future."

"Well, Mr. Grey, if you are to be as successful as you claim, you will have many people working below you. How are you to ensure their trust?" He says this in such a fucking condescending manner. I feel my hands balling up into fists.

The anger is boiling inside of me and the monster that I somehow have managed to contain recently wants nothing more than to be unleashed and to rip that fucker Hare apart.

I suddenly feel the calming touch of my Firecracker; she places her hand on my back and rubs soothing circles around me.

God, she's good, always knowing what I need. I look to Ana and give her a small smile, a smile reserved only for my Firecracker.

I regain my control and say, "I don't need to ensure their trust."

"Oh? That doesn't sound like a very well thought out plan...Christian."

Fucker!

"I said I prefer Mr. Grey!" I shout.

**APOV**

Oh, God, Christian, what are you thinking? Please calm down baby. I quickly grab his hand and gently squeeze it. Come back to me, Christian, please. I hope he can feel me speaking to him via my touch.

I've noticed at times that Christian occasionally "checks out" and I see anger and rage in his eyes. It's scared me on more than one occasion but I also know that my touch can bring him back to me, away from the darkness that envelops him.

I was nervous about us moving in together because of his night terrors but oddly enough, he doesn't have night terrors or panic attacks when I'm with him. He calls me his dream girl because when I'm with him the nightmares no longer penetrate his subconscious mind.

I feel the tension leave his body as he takes a deep cleansing breath.

"Forgive me, **_Mr. Grey._** That doesn't sound like a very well thought out plan," Professor Hare says once more.

I don't like Professor Hare, he gives me the creeps. I would rather have taken Professor Emerson's class. The man has a brilliant mind but apparently the girls on campus are more interested in Professor Emerson's looks which is why I was unable to get into his class.

A part of me thinks that Christian was relieved that I wasn't able to get into his class. Knowing Christian as well as I do, he probably thinks I want to get into Professor Emerson's pants...he's become so paranoid about losing me lately.

It may have something to do with his birth mother. I think he has abandonment issues, but any time I try to discuss it with him, he either shuts down or sexes me up. It's usually the latter and I don't mind at all, the sex is always mind-blowing but I do want to get to the heart of the matter so he can move on from what is ailing him.

I love Christian so much, he really has no idea. I fear that I, too, am so deeply in love with him that I think I'd die if I were to lose him. It's more than being physically close; our souls have connected on such a level that it tends to frighten me. So consumed are we with each other that there are times when I don't know where I end and he begins. We are that close.

"Well I assure you, Professor, I _have_ thought things through. I tend to think ten steps ahead of the average person, so while they're still at point A, I've already made my plans and moved towards point L."

"I see, and what does point L have to do with ensuring your employees' trust?" Professor Hare asks once more.

"It doesn't," my hot boyfriend says with cool confidence, drenching my panties with every word, along with those of the entire female and some of the male class.

Yup, they want my man but it ain't gonna happen.

I can see Professor Hare's patience is wearing thin but Christian doesn't care, he remains cool, calm, and very much in control while Hare is sweating; you can see he's hanging by a thread, ready to combust in flaming anger.

"Again, Mr. Grey, trust and your employees."

"I won't need it."

"And why is that, Mr. Grey?"

"Because I will have all my employees sign an NDA," Christian says in his "I'm large and in charge" CEO voice.

God, I'm so ready for him to take me now! Right on this damn desk! He's going to be the hottest CEO ever! I can already see our future together with him taking me on his office desk. Geez, I'm such a horn dog when it comes to Christian!

Professor Hare smirks and doesn't attempt to stifle his laugh. Arrogant bastard!

"An NDA?" Hare says with condescending air.

"Oh, please allow me to explain." Christian says coolly while the class laughs at Hare's remark.

"An NDA is a non-disclosure..."

"I know what an NDA is, you arrogant Ivy League spoiled prick!"

Holy moly! What the hell was that all about?!

The silence is deadly and I can feel the entire class on the edge of their seats...except, of course, my Christian.

He merely smiles, crosses his leg over his knee, and says, "Well then, since you do know what an NDA is, there's no reason to explain now, is there?"

And with his final words our class is dismissed and I silently think, in a Christian Grey kind of way... 'Thank fuck!'

Christian grabs my hand and practically drags me out of the classroom. He pulls me off to a secluded corner and kisses me hard. His lips push against mine as he thrusts his tongue, forcing me to part my mouth.

He's kissing me violently and for a moment, I find that I'm scared. I want to push him off and for whatever reason, perhaps he feels my trepidation, he pulls away.

He walks back and forth, pacing like a caged animal. I don't know what to do so I stand there, trying to recover my equilibrium.

He continues to pace back and forth and finally he speaks, "Can you believe that fucker? He has the nerve to call me an arrogant Ivy league spoiled prick?! That fucker has no idea who I am or what sort of hell that I've lived through. He's so fucking lucky that he's protected by this establishment or else God help me, I would have ripped that fucker to shreds in front of the entire fucking class!"

"Christian, what was that all about? I don't understand?" I ask as I try to help my boyfriend deal with his demons.

"You were there Ana! You saw it right before your eyes, didn't you?!" Christian shouts at me.

**CPOV**

Ana's eyes widen as she tries to indiscriminately back away.

Shit! I've scared her! I can't have her leave me because of my fuckedupness, I cannot lose her. She is my light in the ugly world of darkness that's surrounded me for far too long. Anastasia is my everything, she is my world, and I want to be her world.

"Oh no you don't, I don't ever want you to back away from me baby. I would die if you left me," I say as I grab her by the waist and pepper her beautiful face with kisses.

Ana sighs and kisses me back, "Oh Christian..."

"You know that, don't you baby?" I ask, begging for her to understand the depths of my love and need for her.

It's more like your fucking obsession with her dummy! You need help, this shit isn't healthy!

"Christian, don't say things like that," Ana whispers quietly as she nuzzles my chest.

"Like what? That I would die without you? That I would not exist if you left me? I only say it because it's true, my Firecracker."

"Christian, you would not die if you didn't have me, do you understand? You can't say things like that. You can't mean things like that. It's...it's not healthy, it's not...normal," she says with exasperation and I cannot help but laugh.

"What's so funny Christian? I'm being serious and you're laughing at me."

"Well, you said my feelings for you are not normal," I laugh again.

"And why is that funny?" she asks once more.

"I'm not normal Ana. I guess it's just the irony of your statement is all."

"Look Christian, I'm not saying that our relationship is wrong..."

"Well I should hope not, baby," I say as I wrap her tighter around me.

"But..."

Oh shit! There's that "but" and that can only mean bad things.

"But, I feel as though we just went into this relationship too fast and too hard."

"Oh Firecracker, you do know that's how I like it, baby," I say as I rub my excited cock against her and hear an audible gasp.

"Christian, let's get out of here. Let's go back to your place and...you know."

"Ana, it's our place now. Please stop referring to it as my place. It's our place, yours and mine, get it?"

"Not yet, but I would certainly like to...get it."

"Oh yes, my Rose," I say as I cup her little Rosebud, "Let's get out of here and get it."

**APOV**

We arrive at our place. **_Our place._** It still takes time for me to come to the realization that Christian and I are living together. Things have happened so fast for us but the transition of moving in together was slim to none. I've even managed to make the place feel warm and welcoming.

"Ana, I left something in my bike. Go on up and I'll meet you there."

"Ok baby," I say, "I'll be sure to change into something with easy...access."

Christian smiles and says, "I'll be sure to hurry back."

I watch Christian head towards his motorcycle; I really love that bike, the vibrations of it make me that much more horny and it makes me want Christian more than ever if that's at all possible.

I get to our place, open the door, and I see it...a full moon on display, a firm and well-toned ass up in the air.

"God, Elliot, please! Don't stop, don't stop!"

It takes me a moment to focus on what's happening right before my eyes. I'm frozen. It's Elliot! He's tasting someone's world and she's loving every slurp.

"Oh God, Andie, you taste so fucking good, baby!" Elliot moans as he thrusts harder and harder inside of this Andie person's world.

"Elliot, baby! Yes, yes! Oh now, Elliot, please!" she shouts. "I need you inside of me!"

"Are you ready, baby? Are you ready for The Elliot's Throbbing Python of Love?!"

"Yes, dammit, take me now!"

And with those words, Elliot gets up from Andie's world, gets on his knees, and slams into Andie fast and hard and they continue to fuck like maniacs and I still stand there...watching the show.

It's kinda hot and I know I should say something but I can't...I'm mesmerized and a part of me can't help but wonder if this is what Christian and I look like when we go at it like fast and hard.

"Oh Andie, yes baby! Yes!"

"Elliot, please, harder baby, faster! Oh yeah, fuck me hard! Oh! Oh!"

"That's it Andie, oh yeah! Come on baby! Give it to me baby! Let me have it! Oh! Oh!"

"Elliot! Oh! Oh! Yes!"

They both shout as they come loud and hard...

"What the fuck is going on here?!" I turn to see Christian.

Holy shit! How long has he been standing there? Did he see me enjoying the show? Fuck me! I'm so busted!

"Hey, little brother, what's up?" Elliot says as he jumps off of Andie and quickly grabs some boxers.

Andie grabs a blanket and quickly attempts to cover up as well. I try not to stare but I'm drawn to the visual, it's hot.

"Um...Hi Christian, hello Anastasia."

I look to this Andie person and it hits me. Holy fuck!

"Andrea? Andrea from Mr. Bartley's?" I say in complete surprise.

"Uh yeah...it's me," she murmurs as she blushes many shades of red.

Hmph. At least I'm not the only one.

I look to Elliot and I cannot help but laugh! He's wearing the funniest boxers that I've ever seen! They're blue with the word, "Big" and a picture of a rooster, meaning Big Cock.

"For God's sake Ell, can you cover up!" Christian yells.

"Oh come on bro, relax. Don't you like my boxers?" Elliot chuckles.

I cannot help but laugh out loud and before I know what's happening, I open my big mouth and say, "I think your boxers are funny, Elliot! Very entertaining to say the least."

Christian shoots me a death glare but fortunately Andrea takes over and says, "Oh Ana, the treasure hiding inside these boxers is much more entertaining." She then gets up, wraps the blanket around her and says, "If you'll excuse me, I'll go get...decent."

Elliot spanks her bottom and says, "Not too decent, Andie, we're not done yet!"

"Oh for God's sake, Ell! Really?! I don't need to hear this shit!"

"Relax bro, I come bearing good news."

"What's the good news? That you're crashing here?"

"No bro, the entire family is on their way..."

"What? Here?! Oh God, no!"

"Easy bro, not here exactly...but we're here for the Water Fire show in Providence. Dad and Mom got us all special seating and they thought it would be a good opportunity to bring attention to their Coping Together charity."

I look to Christian and I swear he cringes; about what, I wonder?

Christian's phone vibrates and as he reads whatever message he received, it brings a smile to his face. Thank goodness for that!

"Ana, let's get out of here. We have some business to address. Elliot, if you plan on staying here, we need to discuss the dress code."

"Hey, no problem, bro, I hadn't planned on this happening but since I hooked up with Andie, I think it would be better if I got a nice hotel room where we can finish what we started. Dude! Andie has the best..."

"I get it, Ell, and I don't need to hear it. Give Andrea my best and you better be gone when we return."

"Sure thing, bro, and Ana?"

"Yes, Elliot?"

"Congrats on moving in together. My baby brother is much nicer since he met you."

I can't help but blush. "Thanks, Elliot, I hope to see you again soon."

"You can count on it! Laters baby!"

Christian extends his hand and says, "Ana, come."

I put my hand in his and he practically drags me out of the apartment. He's angry...I think.

"Christian?"

He doesn't answer me, he keeps walking.

"Christian, please slow down. It's hard for me to keep up with your strides."

Still no answer, he's behaving so childishly. He's so frustrating when he shuts down and refuses to speak. I've had enough of this!

"Christian, let me go!" I shout.

He immediately stops. Looks at me with sadness and I can see his pain again...the pain that runs so deep...I've not seen that look in his eyes since we've been together and it makes me sad to see it now.

"Please don't say that, Firecracker. Please don't demand that I let you go..."

"Christian, what's wrong with you? You're so upset. I'm only trying to find out what's wrong, how can I help you?"

"You can help me by promising to never leave me, Ana. I need you...please, baby."

"I'm not going anywhere, please talk to me."

"First things first. I got a message that there's an opening for Professor Emerson's class. I want to speak to him about our upcoming assignments. I want him to know that we plan on taking his class very seriously and I also would like to know his thoughts on some ideas that I have running around in my head."

"Wait a sec! You mean you changed my schedule without checking with me!? Christian, you can't do that. You can't control me like this. It's not right, you're turning into a borderline..." Shit! I almost said "stalker!"

"Stalker?" Christian says as he reads my mind.

"Well, yes."

"I have to do this, Ana, I have to know that you're safe."

"Christian, you're scaring me. I can take care of myself, you know. I'm not helpless."

"You don't understand Ana, I need to do this. I have to."

I take a deep breath and sigh. This isn't the time or place to have this discussion.

"I don't understand why, Christian, and for now, I'll let it go. Let's just do what you want to do and go back home."

Christian smiles and says, "I have a better idea but let's see Emerson first; his office hours are over but I'm sure he can squeeze us in for a bit."

**APOV**

I'm so angry at Christian for changing my class schedule without asking me for permission. I know this stems from his abandonment issues but it still isn't right. He's in need of some therapy but since we've been together he's said that I am the only therapy he needs. Although his words are heartwarming, I know they cannot cure what is hurting him and he needs to face these demons head on.

I've told Christian over and over again that I would gladly support him. I've also mentioned joint therapy sessions. He's turned me down cold saying that he doesn't want me to know how ugly he is inside. His words hurt and cut me to my core; how can he hate himself like that?

A selfish part of me hurts because I wonder how can he truly love me if he doesn't love himself? He needs to get well for himself, for me, and for our love. I want his love, I want it all without him having to worry about this so called "monster" that he has inside of him.

As we approach Professor Emerson's office I hear a woman in distress. She's shouting and it sounds like she being attacked.

"_Oh my God! No please! Don't! Stop! Please_!"

"_You will listen to me and do as I say! Are we clear_?!"

"Christian, we have to help! Someone's being hurt!" I shout as I run towards the cries for help.

"Ana wait!"

I bust open the door and it's like I'm having a flashback to half an hour ago.

It's quite a sight to behold.

I see two people lost in their passionate lovemaking...or are they fucking? Who the hell knows, the only thing I can think is, "Holy hell, that looks hot!"

She has one leg above his shoulder and her other leg is wrapped around him pushing his ass against her, forcing him to fuck her harder. I wonder if I'm that flexible? This is something Christian and I must try!

Then it hits me, holy crap! It's Professor Emerson!

"Gabriel, please, I'm ready."

"Angie, my love, patience. We've only been at it for two hours, my love..."

Holy fuck! TWO HOURS! Who the hell is this man?!

"Don't tease me, Gabe, I'm yours, all yours, and I need to come...please."

"Angie, because you have been such a good girl, I will make you come...are you ready, my love?" The Professor asks as he repositions the woman's legs, allowing me a better look at her face...

Oh my hell! Angie? It's Coach Angie Bowness! What the fuck! Thank God her eyes are closed or else we would be looking straight at each other.

Holy hell, the man can fuck and what an amazing ass he has! I feel myself getting wet just watching. I'm a perv! What's wrong with me?!

Next thing I know I feel someone cover my eyes and mouth. I know it's Christian and although he saved me from what could have been one of my most embarrassing moments ever, I find myself slightly irritated at him for pulling me away from the show.

"Oh my gosh, Christian," I whisper as we back away and quietly close the door. "Did you see that? Professor Emerson and Coach Angie. Wow!"

Christian looks at me with a smirk and says, "Never mind that baby. What the hell was going on with you? Looks to me like you were enjoying the show."

I feel myself getting warm and I know I'm blushing. This is so embarrassing. How do I tell my extremely jealous boyfriend that I was aroused watching the Professor and Coach Angie going at it?

"I'm sorry Christian, it just caught me off guard. I mean twice in one night...what are the odds?"

"A million to one," Christian says as he takes my hand and we make a quiet escape but not before we hear them both yell as they explode together.

"Yes! Yes! Oh! Fuck yeah!"

Christian and I look to each other and smile. This has been in interesting evening and it's far from over!

**A/N**

**Hi everyone, I want to let you all know that I now have a BETA. I would like to give HUGE props to my girl Ordlas. I knew my writing needed some tweaks here and there but damn! It really needed LOTS of tweaks and I thank you for not attacking my writing skills or lack thereof. **

**I'm going to be very busy this month and next month. My boy's birthdays are in May and June, they both make their Confirmation (It's a Catholic thing) on Saturday, my nephew is graduating from college and I'm STILL in denial that my first-born son will graduate from high school in June. **

**In case you don't hear from me or if I don't post, you now know the reason. Hopefully things will slow down in July. I am currently working on one more chapter that will have some lemony goodness and it will include rain thanks my girl Amy, AKA-princessrolon!**

**Ok, enough of that. Please review and remember to check out my FB page for the visuals. Elliot's cock is really funny!**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	28. Chapter 28

**My thoughts and prayers go out to all who are affected by the tornado in Oklahoma...**

**APOV**

"Well, what now, baby?" Christian asks as we find ourselves homeless due to Elliot's fuckfest with the lovely Andrea.

"I don't know, what do we do?" I ask.

"I can always get us a hotel room if you like?"

"No, I don't want you to do that. It's too much trouble."

"Ana, it's no trouble at all. You better get used to me spoiling you, Ana, because when I'm rich, I'm going to shower you with all the gifts you so richly deserve."

"I don't want gifts, Christian, I just want you," I say as I kiss my boyfriend. Then an idea hits me.

"Hey! We can go back to my place," I say with a smile.

Christian frowns and says, "What place? Your place is with me, Ana."

"Sorry, I meant my old place. Holly won't mind. She's always busy running here, there, and everywhere. I know she won't be home."

"Sounds good, baby, but what if she has 'company' too?"

"Holly? Oh no, she says she doesn't have time for that. She's too focused on her rowing career to let anything, much less a man, get in her way. Let's go!" I shout as I grab him by the hand.

I feel a bit of sadness as we arrive at my old dorm room; this is where I became strong. Noah and I broke up and I worked my way through it, keeping myself together. Or did I? Was I really strong or did I lean on Christian? Gah! I don't want think about this at the moment. I just want to relax after a very long and exhausting day.

**CPOV**

It's been a long ass day and I must say that I'm looking forward to relaxing and getting lost in my Firecracker.

I've had it with Professor Dick Hare egging me on, daring me to lose my temper. He still can't handle the fact that my father and family are part of what "ruined" him. The man is delusional! The Hare family lost quite a bit of money thanks to my father's skills as a lawyer. I don't want to think about that...I want to bury myself in my baby, I want to make her come loud and hard. I want her to make me come loud and hard. I've been so stressed lately; I know the monster is fucking restless, just waiting to be unleashed. The thought sends a cold chill down my spine.

Ana opens the door to her former room. Well fuck me sideways! Another fuckfest that doesn't include myself and my girl! Why is everyone else fucking?! Shit man!

"Oh God, Derek, yes!" Holly shouts as this Derek person thrusts in and out of her world.

"Oh, Holly, you're so wet for me baby. You feel so damn good."  
"Derek, please! Yes! Yes!"

And before we witness their intimate moment we quietly back away and shut the door. So caught up in their fuckfest, they hadn't a clue that we watched part of the show.

We smile as we lean against the wall and slowly slide down to the floor.

"Christ, is it a fucking full moon or something?"

"A full moon brings out the werewolves, Christian, not the fuckwolves."

"I really don't care what kind of wolves it brings out, I want to be alone with you," I say as I kiss her cute button nose.

"I think they've uh...finished in there. Let's have some fun and tease Holly."

Christ, the last thing I want to do is see them in their post coital bliss but Ana has such a **mischievous** look on her face, I can never say no to her.

"Ok, fine. Let's 'have some fun' as you say."

I stand and offer my hand to Ana; she throws herself at me and kisses me hard.  
"Thanks, Christian."

I smile but I'm confused. "For what?" I ask, "What did I do?"

"For indulging me," she says as she hugs me hard. "You're the best boyfriend ever!"

"Am I now? Am I better than..."

Ana doesn't allow me to complete my sentence. She silences me with her kiss. I love her soft kisses, she does well to help **me** overcome my issues with Noah**_._** I still get very jealous of **_him_**. I know my thoughts are irrational but I can't help it. I feel like she's going to come to her senses and leave me.

That. Can't. Happen. I won't let it happen. I have to take care of Ana, I have to protect her from everything. The world is an ugly place and I know that better than anyone. I have to make sure that nobody (besides me) gets in her panties!

When I'm rich I'm going to have the best security money can buy, no one and nothing will come between us...no one!

Ana pulls away and says, "Listen, the noises have stopped. Knock on the door. I'm dying to see who Holly finally succumbed to and I want to meet the person that made her scream and come so loudly that it rattled the wall!"

"Ana, you've become quite the voyeur. I'm impressed, baby."

Ana blushes and knocks on the door. I hear some rustling noises and I hear Holly call out.

"I'll be right there...just uh...give me a second."

**APOV**

I cannot believe that Holly finally gave in to temptation. She wasn't a virgin or anything but she always said that she didn't have time for distractions. Holly is extremely driven; she'll be graduating from Harvard at the end of this year. She'll have completed all of her studies in two years and she still managed to squeeze in rowing. She's a star when it comes to the scull and she's at her best in a single. No one in the US has a better record than Holly; she's so ready to take on the European women and she doesn't break a sweat when she thinks about it. She's a cool customer but for now I want to meet the person that's warmed her up!

The door opens; Holly's hair is screaming just fucked and her face is flushed.

"Uh, high guys. What's up?" Holly asks nervously but doesn't move aside or invite us in. I have to see who serviced my ex roommate!

"Aren't you going to ask us in Holly?" I ask with a smile on my face.

"Ok, fine, I guess it's written all over my face isn't it?" Holly says as she smirks at us and extends her arm. I walk in and holy gaucamole!

"Stay? It's you! It's really you!"

"Oh my God! Derek!" I shout as I run into his arms.

"Stay, oh my God. How are you? You look great!" Derek exclaims as he spins me around.

"I'm good, Derek, how are things with you?" I ask as he finally puts me down.

"Great Ana, I just finished medical and I'm starting my internship at Seattle Grace next in a few weeks and I wanted to stop by and visit, I didn't know you moved out."

I feel myself blushing; surely Noah informed him of our break-up, but then again, I didn't inform Noah that I moved in with my new boyfriend.

Christian clears his throat as he stands right next to me, placing his arm around me. He's such a caveman!

"Oh, excuse me. I got caught up in the moment. Christian, this is Derek Shepherd. He's Noah's cousin. Derek, this is my boyfriend, Christian Grey."

Derek extends his hand and says, "Hey, it's nice to meet you, bro."

"Noah's cousin, eh?" Christian says looking him up and down trying to figure him out.

"Yup, that's me. I'm the only family that he'll claim...the rest of the family, well...it's complicated. I heard that you and Noah broke up."

Now it's Derek that's trying to size Christian up.

Oh good God, men!

"We did but we've sort of worked things out. I mean he's the only real family that I have," I say quietly in the hopes that Christian maintains his cool.

"I'm glad to hear that, Stay. You'll always be family to us," Derek says with a beautiful smile.

"Christian, Ana?" Holly says, reminding me that this mini-reunion interrupted their fuckfest, "Would you like to join us for dinner?"

I look to Christian who shrugs letting me know it's my call; I like when he does that. "Thanks, Holly, but we have plans and apparently you do too. Don't let me keep you."

"Ok, if you're sure."

"We're sure, thanks again. Derek, I hope to see you around?"

"Of course, Stay," Derek says as he hugs me once more, not letting Christian's glare have any effect on him, "We're family. You plan on coming back to Seattle right?"

"I do," I say as he releases me.

"Cool, we'll be in touch. It was nice meeting you, Christian," Derek says as he extends his hand.

Christian takes it and says, "Yes, pleasure meeting you as well."

"Bye Holly, we'll talk soon?" I say as we leave.

"Sure," Holly says as she blushes. "Soon."

We leave my old place and it's begun to rain. I've always loved the rain, ever since I was a little girl. Mom and dad would make hot chocolate and top it off with whipped cream. It was the best feeling, I was safe and warm and sipping hot chocolate without a care in the world...

"Ana? Sweetheart, what is it?"

"Christian, let's go!" I shout as I take his hand.

"Where?" He asks as we approach his motorcycle, we grab our helmets as I hop on the back of his bike.

"Anywhere, just go!" I feel the need to break free and escape. I don't want to be sad as I think about my parents, I want to be happy for the time that they were here. They wouldn't want to see me in pain. I want to outrun these emotions of sadness, I want to ride on the back of Christian's bike while holding him tight. I want to be free!

I get the feeling that Christian must sense this sadness and my wish for flight because he fires up his bike and we take off in a blaze of glory. We're riding fast, not giving a shit about anything and ignoring the speed limit; fortunately, the road is deserted. We make our escape as if the devil himself is giving chase and it makes me wonder if Christian is also attempting to escape his demons.

We finally come to a stop and before I know what's happening, Christian lifts me off of his bike and rips my pink helmet off of my head. He grabs me and kisses me hard; it takes a moment for me to realize that the rain is continuing to fall.

Our clothes are wet. I've never kissed in the rain; it's so sexy and hot. Christian is kissing me hard, with so much want and need. I love when he kisses me like this but whenever he does, a part of me feels like he's kissing me good-bye.

He breaks free from our embrace and says, "Don't leave me Ana...Please." His deep grey eyes are probing mine, searching for something, some sort of promise in my eyes, a vow to stay with him always.

My worries about him leaving me melt away at once.

"Never, Christian, I promise. I'll always love you."

Christian's eyes light up and sparkle like a child's, then they quickly become hooded with desire.

I know what that look means and I'm not sure I want to stop him. I look around and I see that we're alone. Well, I suppose that makes sense since it's pouring rain.

Christian says, "Wait here," while he takes a look around. He extends his hand and says, "Ana, come."

I smile and think to myself, "Yes, I hope so" with a devilish grin on my face.

"Ana, what are you thinking baby?"

"Probably what you think I'm thinking."

He grabs me once again and kisses me with that force, with that need, it's a pleading kiss engulfed in desire.

"Where are we?" I ask between kisses.

Christian moans, "Pleasure Bay, baby."

"Interesting name," I say as I grab his soaked hair.

"Ana, I want you, here, now, in the rain."

Christian turns me around, my back to his front. He cups my chin as he turns my head slightly towards him. I instinctively open my mouth feeling and tasting the droplets of rain as they gently fall in while Christian kisses me, his tongue gently probing, teasing me, exciting me, filling me with need. He has an amazing way of making me feel so sexy and that feeling is multiplied ten times over as we continue to kiss in the rain.

I feel his arousal rubbing against my back and I cannot wait any more. My white dress shirt is stuck to me as I am soaking wet from the rain. I'm also wet with desire, needing to feel Christian inside of me.

He must sense my urgency as he quickly looks around and starts to strip off his clothes.

"Christian! What are you doing?" I shout.

"Just making myself more comfortable baby," he says as he pulls off his shirt and takes off his pants.

Thank goodness he's wearing a black tank and some swim trunks underneath. He takes my hand and leads me to a makeshift cabana. I quickly strip off my jeans and slowly lay Christian down as I straddle him. The sound of the rain surrounding us only adds to the sexual element, making us hunger for one another's touch.

I take charge and kiss my man slowly, gently probing my tongue against his lips, willing him to submit to me. He parts his mouth and meets my tongue; I grasp it and suck lightly.

Christian pulls his tongue away and says, "If you're looking for something to suck I have it right here, baby."

I can't help but laugh as I recall Elliot's words regarding his throbbing python of love.

"Something amusing you, Firecracker?"

I quickly get my game face on; no sense in telling Christian that his brother was on my mind. He'd lose it and not allow me to explain my thoughts. It's better to keep this to myself. I want to fuck!

"Nothing amusing, Christian, I want to taste you," I say as I work my way down and pull down his swim trunks. His cock springs free and oh my! It's so pretty! I never get tired of looking at it. It's so big and beautiful and it's the perfect shade of pink accessorized with the occasional line of blue veins throbbing up and down his massive shaft. It's sexy and it's mine! I grab it and wrap my fingers around it, squeezing hard as I take him in my mouth.

"Oh sweet Jesus, Ana...Oh baby, you are so fucking good."

I bob my head up and down taking him all in, wrapping my tongue around his delicious tasting length. He pushes my head down and forms the rhythm while he simultaneously bucks his pelvis up against my mouth, hitting the back of my throat.

"Holy fuck Ana! Shit!" Christian shouts as he bucks up harder and faster not able to control himself; I find that I, too, am even more aroused.

Knowing that I can give Christian the pleasure that he gives me when he kisses me down there makes me feel so good. I love that I can do that for him.

I suck harder and faster, squeezing his dick with my tongue; I want it all. I feel him shudder and I know it's coming.

"Oh! Oh! Fuck yeah!" Christian shouts as I continue to milk his cock, taking in every last slurp and I cannot resist saying it.

"Boom! Goes my Christian!" I shout then I rub the tip of his cock around my mouth as I stick out my tongue, licking and tasting and loving...

**A/N**

**So I'm suffering from ADD once more as I am currently working on a one-shot called, "Open Wide, Anastasia." I'm very excited as I've not done a one-shot as of yet. Keep an eye out for it! **

**In the meantime, Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling!**

**Rosie :D**


	29. Chapter 29

**A/N**

**I'm going to try to work on Yes Your Honor this week-end. The Surprise Engagement is with my BEAUTIFUL BETA and speaking of BETA, I would like to give a very HUGE THANK YOU to Miss Ordlas for making my story look pretty. Thanks Miss O! Love ya!**

**Many of you have been with me since my first FF story MAG and you know that I love sharing and making recommendations of stories that I have read or am currently reading/following. You've heard me ramble on and on about Darkness and White by Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps. If you're not reading it, you're missing out. I've also gone on and on about my happy place, Late Night Thoughts-20 Years Later by my beautiful Netzel and countless others.**

**Well, I'm here to tell you about two my latest faves.**

**The first is called "A Day In The Life of Ana Grey." It's very different and if you're an animal lover, well, this story is for you! Give it go and note the name of one cat. :) Please review and let Miss Carrie know how much you are enjoying it. **

**The second is an original Fan Fiction story called Binding Ties by BriLee7796. Also very different in its own right. Give this story a go and let Miss Brianna know what you think.**

**Ok, on with my story!**

**CPOV**

I awake slowly, listening to the soft droplets of rain continuing to fall. I look to my girl, my Ana, my Firecracker, my love...fuck! I fucking love her. It still sends shock waves through my body and I can feel my heart wanting to burst with joy. I've never known a feeling like this before...ever. I've never been so happy and carefree.

The fucked up thing about feeling so good is that I cannot help but feel impending doom. A person like me doesn't deserve happiness. A person like me, with a monster buried within the confines of this shell of mine, does not deserve anything good; yet, here she is, my beautiful girl, sleeping soundly after I fucked her, over and over and over again.

She looks like an angel, sleeping so peacefully; a small smile appears on her face. She mumbles something that I cannot quite make out. I wonder if she dreams of me?

"Mmmmm..." Ana starts to stir. "Christian...love you Christian..." she whispers as her deep breathing and heavy sleep pattern return.

She does dream about me, she does love me. I feel the smile curve on my face. Smiling - something I've done on a regular basis since Ana entered into my life. She's told me over and over again how much she loves me and I'm actually starting to believe her. It makes me feel beyond ecstatic that someone as good and as kind as my Ana can love someone like me. I want her, I need to feel her once more.

I really should let her sleep, I did wear her out...

She rolls to the side facing me, the blanket falls, exposing her beautiful pink nipple.

Fuck it!

"Ana... wake up baby."

"Mmm...what is it, Christian?" she asks as she wraps the blanket around her.

I am damn lucky that The Grey Name is so well known. It was for that very reason that I was able to arrange for this cabana to become a makeshift privacy room of sorts. All it takes is one phone call for me to get a personal delivery of fresh blankets, a security team to ensure that we aren't disturbed, some fresh clothes, and a casual meal consisting of Mr. Bartley's, thanks to Andrea.

This is what my life will be like, only I will make it on my own. Yes, I have the Grey name but I will make something of myself where I, too, can say who I am and people will jump by a phone call alone. I will be the master of my universe!

"It's morning, baby."

Ana startles me by sitting up quickly. "What?! Did we stay here all night? How did we manage that and where did all this stuff come from?" Ana asks as she looks around.

"I have my ways, baby. Come," I say as I take her hand.

"Erm...I need to brush my teeth," she says as she speaks quietly, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Here you go," I say as I hand her a toothbrush and tube of toothpaste.

She smiles and says, "Thank you Christian, you thought of everything."

"I aim to please, baby."

After we enjoy a light breakfast, again courtesy of The Grey name, I decide to take Ana out on the water. It's an unusually warm morning, the sun is rising, and it's a beautiful shade of pink. Pink...pink like Ana's pink bikini and those tiny pink triangles that were strategically placed over her beautiful pink pussy and her beautiful pink nipples.

It seems like a million years ago that I was desperate to make her mine and then again it seems like it was only yesterday.

"What is it, Christian?" Ana asks as she brings me back to this moment.

"Just thinking about the color pink and how it reminds me of you...in so many wonderful ways," I say as I lift her in my arms and take her out to the water.

"Christian, what are you doing? What are you up to?"

"I want you, Ana, in the water," I say as my voice begins to crack, overwhelmed once more for the love that I have for my girl.

"You want to fuck me in the water?" she asks in surprise.

"No, baby, I want to love you. I want to make love to you in the water."

**APOV**

God, did he really just say that? Christian can make me come with his words alone, he's so kind and sweet and loving, yet there are times when I do sense a little more 'urgency' when we fuck. It's like he's trying to control his need for me, which I find odd since I completely let go when I'm with him. Sometimes when we're apart, my mind wanders and I feel as though we're a bit young for such strong emotions but when we're together, my worries disappear.

We belong together, of that I'm sure.

I feel the water touch my feet and legs as Christian slowly puts me down; the water is clear and warm. I'm standing before him and we're lost in the looks of desire that envelop us. I want him too, as much if not more, than he wants me.

"Do you see that boat out there, baby?" Christian asks as he breaks our staring spell.

I look to my left and see a sail boat off in the distance, "I do."

"I'm going to have a yacht that's ten times bigger than that toy."

"Are you now?" I say as I giggle.

He looks me straight in the eye and says, "Do you doubt my words, Ana?"

I stop giggling at once, realizing that he's very serious. This is one of the many things on his "when I become rich list" that he will do once he becomes a huge success in whatever he chooses to do in life.

"You really know what you want in life, don't you, Christian?"

"I do, baby, and right now I want you, here, in the water."

His beautiful grey eyes pierce my mine and I am lost in them, looking into the depths of his soul...so broken, so shattered, so vulnerable, and so in love...with me.

I don't know how or when it happened but I'm standing before him without a stitch of clothing. It's only then that I realize that Christian too, is without his swim trunks, bared to me in more ways than one as I look into his eyes once more, into the depths of his soul.

"I love you, Anastasia Steele, like I've never loved anyone before. You are the light in my life and I want you here with me...always. I know I'm young, Ana, but I've always felt like I was living as though I was waiting to die, not having any reason for being. You, my beautiful Firecracker, are my reason."

I'm stunned into complete silence, not knowing what to say. Christian has bared his soul to me once more and just when I think he can't make me love him more than I already do, he takes my love for him up to another level that I did not know existed.

I don't know how long I stand there, with my mouth wide open, letting his words reverberate in my mind, over and over again.

"Ana? Baby? Are you ok?"

I feel the tears well up in my eyes and say, "Oh Christian, I love you, I love you so much."

I put my arms around his neck and get on my tip toes to kiss him; he pulls me in and places his big strong hands on my lower back and kisses me with unbridled passion, we let our bodies do all the talking. All of our proclamations of our feelings for one another are on full display in the love that we make in the ocean and the open sky.

It's the perfect start to a perfect day.

Christian, me, and our love.

*****The Week Before Christmas***WaterFire Event Providence RI*****

**APOV**

I'm so excited! This Waterfire event is like nothing I've ever seen before. We've been here all afternoon and we'll soon be enjoying the show once the sun goes down. It's like a carnival of sorts. There are booths where you can play games, you can attempt to knock down milk bottles for a prize; there are food booths, craft booths, and so many other types of booths. It's wonderful.

We walk together hand in hand when we come across a booth with someone doing body art of some sort. I'm fascinated by it.

"You want a closer look?" Christian asks.

"Uhm...if you don't mind," I say.

We take a few more steps and I see the artist - a woman drawing on another woman's lower back. It's the moon and sun, it's beautiful.

The woman looks to us and says, "Are you interested?"

I really am but I'm not sure how Christian feels about it. I look to Christian and he smiles and shrugs.

"I am. What is this exactly?" I ask, growing more curious as to what I would want done and where.

"It's called 'mehndi' or henna tattoos."

"Are they uh...painful?"

"No, they aren't, because they aren't permanent," she says as she points her chin to a large picture album. "Have a look at my work, I'm almost done here."

I look through the many photos and I can see this woman really is an artist.

"Um, Christian? I want to get something done."

His head snaps to me, "You do?"

"Yes, I mean it's not permanent and I really want to do it."

"What is it you want to do?"

"Well, I'd rather it be a surprise, if you don't mind?"

Christian smirks and says, "If that's what you want, ok. I'll take a look around and be back in a bit."

I launch myself at my man and say, "Thanks!"

*****Later That Evening*****

**CPOV**

"You have to show me, Ana. I want to see it."

"Ok, fine, but as soon as I'm done showing you, I want to head towards the grand stand and get a good seat."

"Just show me, baby," I say as I feel myself getting irritated.

Ana looks around and proceeds to lift her shirt.

"Whoa, baby, what are you doing?" I ask as I pull her shirt back down.

"You said you wanted to see what she did, didn't you?" Now it's Ana that's sounding irritated.

"Well yes, but...not if you're going to be indecent with all these people around."

"Oh, Christian, it's just skin. Look," she says as she lifts the side of her shirt.

She has the word "Forever" written on the side of her ribcage just below her breast. Thank fuck it was a woman who did this to my Firecracker. Who am I kidding? If it was a man there would be no way in hell that I would have let her do this!

"Well?" Ana whispers quietly, gauging my reaction.

"It's nice, I guess."

"It's how I feel about you, Christian, about our love, it's...forever."

I get that warm all over feeling and I think I'm going to melt with her words alone.

"Oh, baby, if we weren't here in front of all these people I'd make you scream _forever_."

Ana gasps and blushes at my words; she regains her composure and says, "Not now, baby, later."

"Count on it," I say.

"Let's go, Christian! I'm so excited! I've never seen anything like this before. I want to get a good seat," she says as she grabs my hand and drags me to the seating area.

I haven't told her that my parents have made special seating arrangements for us, us meaning The Grey family, which my Ana is now officially a part of since she's my girl and has met my family.

My parents and siblings are so happy that I've met someone and they've made it perfectly clear how fond they are of her. I think they love her, too. How could they not?

She's beautiful, sweet, kind, funny, and perfect. She's everything I want and need, I only hope that I'm enough for her. I hope she doesn't meet someone else and realize that I'm fifty shades of fucked up and that she deserves better than me. The thought sends a cold chill down my spine because I know it's true. I have the beast inside of me and it needs to be fed.

I feel Ana tugging harder on my hand, bringing me back from my thoughts.

"Slow down, Ana, we have plenty of time baby," I say as she continues to walk ahead of me like an excited child.

"You don't understand, Christian, I want to get a good seat and I don't want to miss a thing!" she says as she continues her quick pace.

God, I love my Ana! She's so happy and carefree and just so...innocent. She keeps me young. I know that's a silly thing to think since I'm only nineteen but there are times when I feel so old...I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Ana keeps me feeling like the young person that I am, like I, too, don't have a care in the world. I don't feel like I need to always be in control. That's the way I feel when she's not with me, mindful of the monster that demands attention, so I fight for control of my mind and thoughts but when I'm with Ana, the monster is tame.

There are times when I would like to introduce the monster to Anastasia but I fear that if I do, I might lose her and I cannot let that happen. Anastasia is mine!_ Forever_!

"Christian? Are you listening to me?" Ana calls out to me.

"Yeah, baby, but really, there's no need to rush. My parents have reserved seating for all of us," I say as I smile at my girl.

**APOV**

Did I hear my boyfriend correctly? They have reserved seating? This is outrageous! Outrageous in a most wonderful way! Is it wrong that I'm enjoying the perks of being the girlfriend of Christian Grey and being connected to the Grey name? That isn't why I love Christian, not in any way, shape, or form, but I do love the perks of being with The Greys.

"Really, Christian?" I stop and turn and launch myself at my boyfriend, not caring at all that I'm making out with him for all to see.

"Baby, if you keep this up, I'll take you here and now," he whispers in my ear.

We continue to walk to our private seating area and I realize we're seated in cabanas, similar to the one that we made love in and fucked under in the rain at Pleasure Bay. I can feel the grin on my face as I think back to that evening, it was magical.

"You like, baby?" Christian purrs.

"Oh yes," I say as we walk together, his arm around my waist as I slowly reach down and squeeze his cute tight little ass.

As we near the cabana I can hear them, or rather, I hear Mia and I quickly brace myself for our reunion.

"Ana!" Mia squeals as she stands and darts towards me. "I'm so glad you here!" she shouts as she continues to hug me...hard.

Mia backs away and looks to Christian. "Hi, big brother," she says rather quietly.

"Wow, is that all I get, Mia?"

"You're lucky that I'm even speaking to you after what you've done, Christian!" Mia snaps.

I wonder what's going on between Christian and Mia?

"What do you mean?" Christian asks.

"You know exactly what I mean! Scaring off any boy that comes near me! I'm not a child ya know!"

"You're my little sister and I will not have anyone trying to attack you!"

"Attack? It's called dating, Christian! You better stop trying to 'protect' me! I can take care of myself."

"Really? Is that why you were trying to sneak out of the house while dad and mom were sleeping?!"

I look to Mia; the blood drains from her face.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Christian says quietly.

"Christian! Ana! You're here," Grace says as she arrives with Carrick at her side.

"Christian," Mia whispers. "Please don't tell mom and dad about what I tried to do. Please?"

"We'll talk later, Mia, this isn't over," he whispers as they briefly embrace.

"Hello, Mrs. Grey, Mr. Grey," I say as I feel myself blush. Why am I blushing?

"Ana, please. We've told you before, it's Grace and Carrick, dear. Please."

"Yes, Ana, mom and dad have said that time and time again," Christian says to me and greets his parents.

"Mom, dad. It's great to see you," Christian says as he hugs them.

I hear an audible gasp from Grace as well as from Carrick. I think this is the first time he's hugged them.

"Hey everyone! Let's get this party..." Elliot shouts as he walks up hand in hand with Andrea but stops dead in his tracks as he, too, is taking in a very gentle and loving moment when he sees Christian hugging his parents.

He walks gingerly over to me and says, "Fuck Ana, what have you done to him?"

I blush, thinking of the many things I've done to him and him to me.

"Christ, Ana, I'm not talking about that!"

I smile as I see Andrea, she smiles and blushes back at me as I'm sure she recalls how we'd last seen one another.

"Ana, you remember Andrea? Andie, I'm sure you remember Ana."

"How could I forget?" Andrea and I both say in unison and giggle.

Christian's moment with his parents is over. Grace and Carrick greet Elliot and Andrea and we all settle in for the display that is The WaterFire Show...

*****Christmas Eve*****

**CPOV**

My first Christmas with my girlfriend, I'm excited and nervous as hell. I feel so happy and relaxed with my Firecracker but tonight for the first time in a very long time, I find that I'm scared, very scared. I bought Ana a Christmas present that really means a lot to me. I've never spent time picking out a gift for anyone other than Grace or Mia, but this is different. Ana is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I cannot believe that I feel that way but I do. I mean, fuck man, I'm only nineteen years old and Ana is only seventeen. Is it crazy that I have my life planned out for myself as well as Ana? I love her so fucking much and I want her in my life forever. I want Ana as my wife.

**A/N**

**I'm almost done with BOOK II and I'll be doing a time jump for BOOK III. To the reviewer who asked about Noah, I've not forgotten about him. He'll be making an appearance very soon.**

**Keep Reading, Keep Reviewing and Keep Smiling! **

**Rosie :D**


	30. Chapter 30

**APOV**

I'm spending my first Christmas with my wonderful boyfriend, Christian Grey, and the entire Grey Family. I'm not sure why, but I'm nervous. I know I shouldn't be; the Greys have always made me feel welcome and like a member of their family.

What could it be that has me so...on edge? Could it be the conversation I had with Noah earlier today? I told Christian that I needed to see Noah, that I wanted to spend some time with him, alone. It didn't go over very well but he finally relented. Only on the condition that he would drop me off and pick me up.

When we got there, they greeted one another briefly.

_"Stroke," Noah said, offering his hand._

_"Shepherd," Christian replied, shaking his hand._

_"Come in, you two," Noah says as he leads the way._

_It's odd in that I grew up here and now I feel like a visitor in my own home; it hurts feeling like I don't belong here anymore._

_"Ana! Darling Ana, it's so lovely to see you!" Laurel cries out._

_"Laurel! Oh Laurel!" I shout as I run into her arms. I feel better now, more at home. I don't feel comfortable around Noah with Christian around; I feel as though I need to guard my feelings for Noah even though the feelings I now have for him are more family-like than anything else._

_Laurel and I break from our embrace and I quickly ask, "Where's Uncle Mason?"_

_"He's out and about, running some last-minute errands," Laurel answers as she looks and smiles at Christian._

_"Laurel," I say as I take her hand and lead her to my man. "I'd like you to meet Christian, my boyfriend."_

_Christian smiles and takes her hand. "It's lovely to meet you, Laurel," Christian says as he gives Laurel that knockout smile of his._

_I cannot believe that Laurel is actually blushing! Oh good God, this man and his smile! It's a lethal weapon._

_"You too, Christian. That is uh...it's nice to meet you as well."_

_"Well, I must get going," Christian says reluctantly._

_Noah practically knocks me over with his words as he says, "Won't you stay for lunch, Christian? It would be great to catch up on things."_

_Christian's eyes widen in shock. "I uh...thank you but no. It's not that I don't appreciate the invite but I uh...have some last-minute shopping to do," he says as he beams at me._

_I wonder what he's up to?_

_Christian takes his leave and kisses me possessively, letting Noah know in no uncertain terms, that I am his. He's so silly._

_"I'll pick you up later, baby," he whispers in my ear._

_"I'll be waiting," I say, and with those words he's gone._

_Once I hear the door shut I run into Noah's arms. "Noah! Oh Noah! I've missed you!" I exclaim. "How the heck are you and how's Yale treating you?"_

_Noah hugs me back. "Oh Ana, I've missed you too. I'm doing good...really good actually," he says with a gleam in his eye. That can only mean one thing. He's got a girl!_

_"Tell me her name, Noah! I want to know!" I demand as we head towards the family room and plop ourselves on the sofa._

_"Ice-cream?" he asks._

_"Yes, please," I say and it seems like old times, eating ice cream and watching mindless tv while we have a nice long chat, though he still won't confirm or deny having a girl in his life._

_"Look, Ana, I'm glad you're here. Really glad, I've been wanting to talk to you for a while," Noah says as he takes my hand in his._

_"What is it, Noah? Are you ok? Oh God, you're not sick are you?" I feel knots in my stomach. I cannot lose Noah. I've lost enough people in my life._

_"No, Ana, it's nothing like that. It's you," he says as he squeezes my hand._

_"Me? What about me? I'm not sick. I'm fine. Noah, what gives?"_

_"Ana...Stay...I'm worried about you."_

_"Worried? Why?" I'm completely shocked. What have I done or said that's caused Noah to worry about me? My grades have slipped a little, but that's only because I've been basking in the sunshine of Christian's love...it's fried my brain._

_"Ana, this thing you have with Christian..."_

_"What **thing**? What do you mean?" I ask, sounding and feeling very upset. "It's not a **thing**, he's my boyfriend!"_

_"I know he's your boyfriend Ana but..."_

_"But what?! What is it?!"_

_"Ana, you're so young. We're still kids, you're only seventeen years old for goodness sakes!"_

_"I know how old I am, Noah, and for the record, you didn't say anything about our ages when you and I were fucking and we were younger!" I regret the words as soon as I say them._

_I expect Noah to flinch but he squares his shoulders, stands up, and fires back, "Look Ana, you're right about that, but let's not forget who came on to whom! I'm the one that tried to push you away. I tried to listen to the voice of reason in my head!"_

_"Well, apparently your little head won that battle, didn't it?!"_

_"Fuck, Ana! I really didn't want this happen. Can we stop for a moment? I don't want us to speak to each other like this," he says as he sits back down._

_"I'm sorry, Noah, I don't know why I'm being so mean. Actually, I do. Why are you saying this? I love Christian and he loves me."_

_"I know that you love him Ana and I know that he loves you too. I see it. Please believe me when I say that I know you two love each other, it's so fucking intense. Anyone within a mile radius can feel what you two have. The chemistry between you two, the electricity, it's un-fucking-believable...I never stood a chance with Stroke," he says rather dejectedly._

_Oh God, I hope he's not still in love with me._

_"Noah..." I say as I touch his shoulder._

_"Don't, Ana...just don't, I'm trying to think straight here and your touch doesn't help things. I don't want you to think that I'm trying to break you up because of the feelings I have...I mean **had** for you."_

_Shit. He is still in love with me...at least I think he is. Oh Noah, my sweet loving Noah._

_"Go on."_

_"Ana, I...just don't want to see you get hurt, that's all. You have your entire life ahead of you. Are you sure he's what you want? How can you be sure when you haven't dated other people?"_

_I try to remain calm, no need to get worked up once again, "I just know, Noah. I can feel it. He's it for me. He's my..." Shit, I almost said, 'He's my true love' to Noah. I don't want to go on as I see a pained look on his face._

_"Just trust me, Noah, I'm fine."_

_He smiles a sad smile, "Ok Ana, I'll trust you. Just promise me..."_

_"What, Noah, promise you what?"_

_"Don't get hurt, Ok? I couldn't stand to see you hurt. My heart couldn't take it."_

_"I won't get hurt, Noah, I promise."_

_"Make him promise, too, Ana, make him promise not to hurt you!" Noah demands._

"Hello? Ana, where are you baby? Come back to me,." Christian says as he kisses the back of my neck.

Shit! How long have I been away and lost in my thoughts? I take in the scene before me. I'm sitting on Christian's lap, Mia is ready to open gifts, and I see Elliot making googly eyes with Andrea.

Apparently Andrea's family is in Seattle and she's staying with them over the holidays. How nice for Elliot.

"Sorry, Christian, I was just thinking about today."

"What about today? How did things go with Noah? You've been quiet ever since I picked you up."

"Things are good, Noah's good. There's not much else to say."

How do I tell him that I want him to promise not to hurt me? That Noah insisted on it. Gah! This is so frustrating. I know he won't hurt me, he loves me!

"Fine, I'll let it be...for now," he replies in a curt manner.

Geez, can he read my mind or something?

"Christian, will you excuse me a moment?" I say as I stand.

"What's up, baby?"

"Hey little brother, give Ana some breathing room," Elliot jokes.

"Shut up, Elliot, and mind your own business," Christian shoots back in a playful manner.

"I'm just going to powder my nose, Christian, be right back," I say as I make my leave.

I hear Elliot whispering something to Andrea, something about going to the boathouse. I try to stifle my giggle because I definitely know what they're going to be doing in a bit. Perhaps I can sneak away and check out the show. They're so hot together!

"_It's not right, Gracie. What kind of message are we sending to our children by allowing such behavior?"_

I hear Carrick in his office and apparently he's speaking to Grace. I know I shouldn't listen but...

_"I know, Cary, I know but...have you seen Christian? I mean really seen the way he's been behaving recently? He hugs me, Cary. My baby boy **hugs** me! He's never done that and I know it has everything to do with Ana and I will not have you ruin this moment!"_

_"It's wrong, Gracie. It's disrespectful, they can do what they want elsewhere, but in this house, there are certain rules that should be followed. The girl is seventeen for fuck sakes!"_

_"Cary, please don't do this. I just got my baby boy back and I won't allow you to take him away. If their sleeping in the same room bothers you so much, well then...let me speak to Christian. You need to calm down."_

_"That's the thing, Grace, they're not being blatant about it, Ana has her own room and Christian has his room but there was one night this week when I saw Christian sneaking out of Ana's room. He was surprised to see me but he didn't even have the decency to look ashamed. It's as though he thinks I should be 'ok' with it. I'm not, Gracie, it's wrong and we shouldn't allow this to go on in our home."_

_"Cary, I know this is a rather unorthodox approach to things and believe me, if this were Mia, I wouldn't be ok with it but Christian is...different."_

I can't listen anymore, I'm too ashamed. I walk back quickly and notice that Mia is gone. Christian is waiting for me; he looks deep in thought but once I enter, he quickly smiles and stands to hug me.

"Hey, my Firecracker."

"Hey yourself," I say as I kiss him.

"I love you, baby, so much," Christian says as he holds me tight. Very tight.

"I love you, too, Christian, but you're hurting me."

"Sorry, I just love you so much and don't want to let you go. Ever."

"Christian, you were lost in your thoughts a moment ago. What were you thinking?"

Christian smiles at me, a huge 'I'm a kid on Christmas and I've been very good' type of smile.

"I was remembering how and when we first met. You were such a firecracker, so full of...pop."

"And you were a pompous ass."

"I still am," he says matter-of-factly.

"Are not."

"Am too."

"Are not."

"Oh yes he is!" Mia says as she glares at him.

"Mia, don't start."

"Why not? You're being such a hypocrite Christian!"

"What?! What are you talking about Mia? What has you so upset?"

"You! Do you think we don't know what's going on between you two, in this house?!" Mia quickly covers her mouth. Immediately regretting her words, but there's no taking back what she said.

"Ana. Oh God, Ana, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this conversation to involve you."

"That's enough from both of you!" Carrick says as I see Grace standing by his side. Judging by the looks on their faces, they must have heard every word.

I want the ground to swallow me up now. I don't know what to say so I do what I do best, run.

"Erm, will you excuse me please?" Not waiting for an answer I leave quickly and head out towards the patio. How humiliating!

I take in the view and wrap my arms around myself. Is this how I'll spend Christmas Eve?

"Mom. Dad? Can you hear me? I sure miss you guys. I wish you were here, I wish I could go home. I think I've done a bad thing. Who am I kidding? I know I've done a bad thing. I've disrespected the Grey home. It was wrong, I know it was, and I feel awful and very ashamed. If I could take it back, I would. I don't know what to do. Maybe this is a sign, maybe Noah was right. Maybe we are too young. Should I end it with Christian?"

I'm talking crazy and I know it. I could never break up with Christian, I love him more than I ever thought possible.

I hear a gasp, I quickly turn to see Grace. She looks sad, terrified actually. Oh no, what have I done?

"Grace. Mrs. Grey, I am so sorry for what I have done. I hope you can forgive me."

"Ana, enough. Nothing has changed, I'm still Grace and please don't apologize."

"But Grace, what I did, Christian and I, it was wrong," I say as I feel the tears falling down my face.

Grace takes a deep breath and she appears to be contemplating something. She takes a deep breath and I hear her whisper to herself, I think, _'Ok, here goes_.'

"Ana, please tell me you're not serious about what you just said. Please."

"I don't understand. What are you talking about?" I ask.

"You know, about my son. About...leaving him." Now it's Grace who has tears falling down her face.

"Did you hear me? Did you hear what I said?" I ask in shock.

"I'm sorry, Ana, I didn't mean to eavesdrop...I just...I need to know. Are you going to break up with my son?"

Is this why she looks so sad; is this why she looked terrified a moment ago?

"No. I'm not breaking up with Christian. I love him."

"Oh, thank God!" Grace shouts as I feel her arms wrapped around me, squeezing me hard. So this is where Christian gets his vise grip hug from - it's his mom! How did she reach me so fast? I guess I should feel relieved that she's hugging me and not lecturing me on how I was disrespectful to her and Carrick.

"Grace?" She's still hugging me.

"Yes. dear?"

"Are you ok? I mean, why are you so relieved? I don't understand."

Grace takes another deep breath.

"Ana, Christian has had a difficult start in life. I'm sure he's told you."

"He has," I say.

"Well, under normal circumstances, yes, I would take issue with the fact that you two are...together, in my home, but...since you've come into Christian's life, he's different. Happy. I've never known that side of him. He hugs me, Ana! Do you have any idea how much that means to me?!"

She starts to cry and I feel odd, I don't know what to say, so I just continue to hug her. I'm at a complete loss for words...

"Oh dear. Ana, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put this burden on you."

"It's ok, Grace, please don't apologize and I uh...I'll make sure that I respect your home."

"Nonsense, dear, don't worry about that. I'm just happy that you've made my son so happy."

She continues to hold me tight and then finally breaks our embrace.

"Come, Ana, let's go back inside."

I hesitate - there was so much tension because of Christian's and my behavior in their home. I'm not sure I want to go back inside and face everyone.

Grace must know how I'm feeling because she says, "Don't worry, dear. We've sorted everything out. It's Christmas Eve and we must forget about this little hiccup and celebrate. I will not have you worrying about it. Are we clear?"

What can I do but say, "Yes, we're clear."

"Good, let's go inside and have some fun."

I don't know what happened between the time I left and the time I returned but all seems well and I no longer feel any tension in the room. What could have happened in that short amount of time?

Mia is smiling and Elliot is joking with Carrick. Christian extends his hand, I quickly to go him and whisper in his ear, "What happened?"

"I spoke to my dad and I apologized to Mia; we've worked things out."

I furrow my brow and look at him with doubt.

"It's true, really. Besides, it's Christmas Eve, we shouldn't be having arguments this evening. This is a time for family and presents and being thankful for all that we have right?"

"Um...sure it is. May I ask one thing?"

"Of course, baby."

"Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend Christian?"

Christian belly laughs and his entire family stares at him. What is it?

"Yes," Christian says as he addresses his family, "Aside from smiling, Ana can make me laugh too."

"Well, that's nice to know, big brother, but can we open one gift now? Please?" Mia begs as she jumps up and down.

"Yes, Mia, of course," Carrick says as he walks over to the huge Christmas tree that is elegantly decorated. He takes a gift from under the tree and hands it to Mia. Mia in turn squeals with delight.

Grace, Carrick, and Elliot each open one gift. I'm not sure how comfortable I am giving Christian his gift in the presence of his family so I sit quietly next to him and wait.

Grace looks to us and smiles; that's when Christian stands and grabs a small box from under the Christmas tree. He walks back towards me and gets on his knees...OH! SHIT!

I hear everyone, myself included, gasp. Christian laughs and says, "Relax, everyone, it's not what you think."

I hear Elliot say, "Well thank fuck for that!"

Andrea playfully elbows Elliot on his side.

"Ana, I'm doing this, giving you this gift because I want my family to know how much you mean to me."

Mia and Andrea both squeal, "Oh my gosh! Oh Christian!"

He turns and gives them a pointed look, "May I finish?"

"Sorry, big brother, go ahead," Mia says as she motions for Christian to go on.

"As I was saying, Ana, you mean everything to me and you make me happy. I never in my life thought that I could be happy, then you came into my life and you showed me that all things are possible. I love you, Ana. I hope you like it."

I stare at Christian, he did it again. He made me love him that much more. He constantly takes me to another level of love.

"Ana, here baby. Open it," he says as he hands me the little velvet box. I look around and see everyone smiling at me. I can feel myself blushing. I hate all this attention; what if I don't react the right way? What if I panic? What if...

"Come on, Ana! Open it!" Mia squeals.

Well shit! Here goes nothing!

I flip open the box and I see it. It's beautiful! I take it gingerly in my hands. It's a tiny crystal rosebud. It's gorgeous. I look to Christian, smile, and say, "Christian, it's beautiful! Thank you!" I throw my arms around him.

He pulls back and says, "Open it."

"Open it?" I ask.

"Yeah, open it."

Then I realize that it's a locket. I carefully open the rosebud and see a small picture of Christian and me. He took a picture of us with his cell phone. I'm looking at the camera, smiling, and he's looking at me with love in his eyes, smiling. There's a tiny inscription with a heart; it says, "Always, C"

I don't know why it happens now but again, I think of my mom and dad and start to cry. Really cry, covering my face and sobbing cry.

"Ana, what's wrong. Don't you like it?"

Oh, Christian, my poor Christian. I feel awful because I can't stop the tears but I want him to know that he's not the reason for my sorrow. I try to catch my breath; I want to apologize to everyone.

"Christian, I'm sorry. It's not you," I say as I look around. I feel Grace's hands on my shoulders, she leans into me and whispers in my ear, "Would you like some privacy with Christian, dear?"

"No, please. I need to say something and I'd very much like for you to hear what I have to say and I'd like for you all to see the gift that I got for Christian as well."

"If that's what you want, we'll stay, darling," Grace says.

"I do and I just want to say how happy you all make me. Since I lost my parents I really don't have a solid family foundation with the exception of Noah and trying to navigate my familial relationship with Noah while attempting to maintain my boyfriend relationship with Christian can be a...challenge."

"I bet!" says Mia.

Everyone laughs.

"Having said that, you all have been like family to me and I know that my parents can be at peace knowing that I have you all as my surrogate family. I really do love you all and I want to thank you for opening your hearts and your home to me."

"Ana," Carrick says, "We thank you for coming into our lives and more so for making my son so happy. Merry Christmas."

Whoa, I was not expecting that. Carrick is wonderful and he's been nothing but kind to me but it's usually Grace that speaks for them.

"Erm, thank you, Carrick, and thank you, everyone."

I go to the tree and find my tiny box. I hand it to Christian; he's all smiles, practically bouncing on the sofa. "Christian, this is for you. Merry Christmas."

I feel warm and I swear I can hear my heartbeat. He opens the box and smiles.

"Ana, it's beautiful! Thank you!" Christian says as he kisses me...rather passionately. I break away, embarrassed that we lost ourselves in our kiss. He does that to me, every time.

"What is it little brother? Don't leave us hanging," Elliot exclaims.

Andrea elbows him once again, "Quiet Ell, maybe he doesn't want to share. Not everyone is an exhibitionist like you."

"Yeah, you like me like that, don'tcha baby?" Ell says as he kisses her cheek.

Andrea blushes. I'm so glad I don't corner the market on blushing.

"It's a crystal key," Christian says as he caresses the key.

"A crystal key? I don't get it? What's it for? What does it open?"

"Oh! Is it outside?" Mia squeals as she stands to go outside.

I'm about to speak when Christian puts his index finger to my mouth, instinctively I pucker and I kiss it. Christian smiles and says, "Let me, Ana."

"It's not like that Mia, what Ana has given me is the key...the key to her beautiful and delicate heart." Christian says as his voice cracks and I see it, the love in his eyes mixed with the tears that he's trying his best to control.

"Oh!" Mia squeals, "How cute is that?! You two are so sweet!"

I hear a few drowned out voices but I can only see eyes, the eyes of the man I love. He can speak to me with his eyes. I can only hope that he can read what my eyes are saying to him. I hope he knows how much I love him, how I much I need him, how much I want to be with him...forever.

"What was that you said, baby?" Christian asks as he breaks me from my thoughts.

"Huh? What?" I ask. I realize only then, that I must have said that last word aloud.

"I uh...said...'forever' Christian."

I hear a collective gasp and again Mia breaks the tension. "Oh you two...there's so much sweetness in the room, I'm getting a severe case of tooth decay."

Everyone laughs once more and we enjoy the rest of the evening sipping hot cocoa and apple cider. I guess they Greys aren't fans of egg nog which is fine with me.

I wake up in the middle of the night needing a drink of water. I quietly pad my way downstairs to the kitchen in order to quench my thirst. I hear someone rustling about in the kitchen and then I hear his voice; it's Elliot. He's singing something about a super freak, as he dances around the kitchen.

"Elliot?" I call out as I try to refrain from giggling. He's dancing and gyrating his hips and then I lose it as I see that he's wearing only boxers. Elliot has out done himself once more!

I laugh out loud and I realize that he has ear buds and he can't hear my laughter.

_She's a very kinky girl_

_The kind you don't take home to mother_  
_She will never let your spirits down_  
___Once you get her off the street, ow girl_

_She likes the boys in the band_

_She says that I'm her all-time favorite_  
_When I make my move to her room it's the right time_  
_She's never hard to please_

He continues to sing and dance while I take in his performance. He spins around and that's when he sees me and takes out his earbuds.

"Hey, Ana, what'd you think? Have I got that 'star quality' that the judges are looking for?" he asks as he gyrates his hips once more, having no shame being seen in his tighty white boxers embellished with "Hello Kitty" on them.

I have no words so I continue to laugh.

"Wow, that bad, huh, Ana? I thought I had a pretty decent voice."

Him faking sorrow only makes me laugh harder as I point to his boxers and I'm doubled over in laughter.

"What?" Elliot asks as he looks down to his boxers. "Don't you like them? Andie gave them to me. She knows I'm a man whore and she thought I'd like to have another kitty, so she bought me these for me. Pretty cool don'tcha think?"

"Uh...yeah Elliot. They're erm...adorable," I say as I catch my breath.

"What the fuck is going on in here!?" Christian shouts as he enters the kitchen.

Shit, last time Elliot and I were together things went from bad to worse in less than a second. Elliot and I both freeze and hope for the best.

Christian looks to me and then to Elliot, he looks at his state of dress or undress, rather, and then it happens...

Christian is laughing, howling to be exact. Thank goodness for that.

"What?!" Elliot asks once more.

"Elliot, what the fuck are you wearing?" he says in between his laughter.

"They're called boxers for fucks sakes. What's the big deal?"

"What's up with the cat wearing the red bow?" Christian asks.

"Andrea said that this is the only other pussy that's allowed near my junk, I think it was a lovely gesture," Elliot says and this time we all break out in laughter.

*****One Week Later*****

**CPOV**

My life couldn't be any better than it is at this moment. I'm ringing in the new year with my girl and I am fucking happy. We are in love and everything that I want and need is here.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!" my family shouts as we all ring in the new year together. I'm oblivious to all that surround us, it's just me and my Firecracker.

Ana and I kiss one another as we celebrate a new year with new beginnings for us.

"Happy New Year, Christian," Ana says as we embrace one another and take in the fireworks display from my parents' patio deck.

"Happy New Year, Ana, I love you...always," I say as we kiss once more, renewing our love.

A new year gives you a chance to start over, to make things right, to wipe the slate clean. That's what I intend to do with my Firecracker. I want to start a new life with her, to make her mine in every way. We're young, we still have so much ahead of us, and I know for a fact that she will always be in my heart and in my soul.

**A/N**

**I had intended for this to be the final chapter of BOOK II but this is NOT where I wanted my story to end soooooooo...I have one more chapter left before BOOK II is complete. Thanks for reading and reviewing!**

**Rosie :D**


	31. Chapter 31

**CPOV**

A little over one year ago, Ana was celebrating her seventeenth birthday with Shepherd while I was alone, watching from afar. Who knew so much could change in one year?

Here I am, walking arm in arm with my girlfriend down a main drag in Cambridge, taking in the sights, sounds, and nightlife.

Ana is mine, we've fallen in love, she's met my family and they all love her, the beast that is inside me has been tempered...I only hope that it remains dormant. I still have a fear that it will unleash itself and cause Ana pain. I do my best to let go and try to relax when Ana and I fuck or make love but there's always a small part of me that stands watch. I am never allowed to completely relax. That's how fucked up I am. I hate that Ana has seen what the beast is capable of; even if she wasn't hurt, I know that my outburst scared the hell out of her. Fucking Shepherd and his fucked up promise!

"Christian? Where are you? Where did you go?" Ana asks as we walk along the street hand in hand.

"I was just thinking about us and about how far we've come," I say as I kiss her temple.

"We have come far, haven't we, Christian? I remember when you called me Firecracker for the first time and said that I was full of pop. Little did I know that you would eventually make me 'pop' with desire," Ana purrs as she squeezes my butt.

"Yes, and little did I know that I would have created such a sex monster," I say as I laugh and squeeze her ass in return.

"We were amazing this weekend, Christian. Our 8-boat came in first place, again! We're unstoppable! This is going to be the best rowing season ever and it's going to be the best school year ever as well!" Ana exclaims as we continue our walk down the street.

Ana likes to take walks after we enjoy our evening meal; she likes getting to know different parts of the city, becoming better acquainted with her surroundings.

"What makes you say that this year will be the best in both rowing and school?"

"Oh Christian, do you really need to ask?"

I look at her and nod.

"It's because of you, silly! You make everything better."

I breathe a huge sigh of relief, it's exactly what I wanted to hear, it's what I needed to hear. Ana completes me, she makes me whole and I get so mad at myself when I think about that night...that night I asked about Noah. I could have lost her to the fucked up beast inside of me.

"Ana, I love you so much baby. Promise you won't ever leave me, I'd be lost without you."

**APOV**

Promise, he says; that word has been nothing but trouble for us.

It's times like these, times when I hear the desperation in his voice and the pain that I know he feels, that take me back to that night, right after the Christmas holiday...

_"So tell me, what did you and Noah talk about? You never got around to sharing what you discussed that night."_

_"It was nothing really, we were just...catching up on things. School, rowing, you know...that kind of stuff."_

_"No, I don't know. That's why I'm asking. Tell me, Ana, you're holding back on me. What is it?"_

_"Noah's...concerned, that's all."_

_"Concerned? Concerned about what?"_

_"About me. You too, actually."_

_"He doesn't have to concern himself with me. What's his problem?"_

_"He doesn't have a problem, he just wants to make sure that we don't...you know, get hurt."_

_"Well what the fuck does that mean?!" Christian shouted as he jumped off the sofa, and started pacing the floor._

_"He made me promise that I wouldn't let you...hurt me," I whispered. "Christian, please sit down, talk to me. Why are you so upset?"_

_"I'm upset because that fucker thinks I'm going to hurt you. Have I ever hurt you, Ana? Have I ever laid a hand on you or hurt you in any way?!"_

_I sat on the sofa stunned, not knowing what to say. Noah never meant that Christian would physically hurt me. It made me wonder what was going on his mind._

_"That's not what he meant, Christian, not all. Please sit down, talk to me."_

_"I don't fucking want to talk, dammit!"_

_And with those words, Christian left our apartment. He came back later, his clothes drenched in sweat. He'd been for his usual run, the run that he usually takes in the middle of the night; he needed blow off some steam. We made up that night and never spoke of it again._

That was the first and only time that Christian's frightened me. He'd shocked me once before by his outburst with Professor Hare but this was different...this anger was out of control.

"Answer me, Ana, do you promise? Promise not to leave me."

"Yes, Christian. You have my word."

I hate using the word promise. It has such an ugly connotation since that night.

"Your _word_? This isn't a business deal, Ana. I want you to promise. Promise me, please."

"How about if I give you my solemn vow. Will that work?"

"Fine," Christian says as he pouts.

"You're even more adorable when you pout, ya know," I say, trying to lighten the mood.

"Really?" Christian asks as he gives me his best duck face.

I cannot help but laugh at his silliness.

"Christian, I do love you so," I say as I stop him from walking and give him a soft kiss on his cheek. He turns his head slightly and points to his other cheek. I kiss it, then he points to his nose. I kiss it, then to his lips and I kiss them.

We once again find ourselves lost in our kiss when someone yells out, "Hey, get a room!"

Christian and I back up and begin to laugh. I look around and suddenly realize I have no clue where we are; we just kept walking. It looks like we're in a dicey part of town. It has a sort of "red light district" feel to it; the people walking the streets are no longer your "average" looking people.

These people look very different.

"Uh...Christian, where are we?"

"No clue, I lost track four blocks back. These streets are starting to look a little shady."

"Christian, we need to get out of here," I say as we hear music playing loudly from the many night clubs that surround us.

People are dressed, if you want to call it dressed, in scantily clad pieces of material, covering only the parts of the body that if exposed, might cause one to be arrested.

"Ana, let's have a look," Christian says as he grabs my hand and drags me into one of the clubs.

A man wearing some sort of leather underwear says, "Come on in, kids, the show's just started."

I feel knots in my stomach; we're entering into the rabbit's hole and I fear what I might see.

The music gets louder and we see a crowd of people trying to work their way closer to a stage up ahead. That's when I see her and then I see him.

The man is wearing a black mask, no shirt and black leather pants. The woman is in skimpy lingerie and she's wearing heavy make-up. She's shackled to a bed while the masked man whips her. It looks horrifying, he's torturing her and yet, I can't tear my eyes away.

He hits her a few more times and she appears to be moaning; it's difficult to tell with the music blaring. I look to Christian and he seems to be transfixed by the scene.

The man removes her shackles and leads her to a huge cross; he cuffs her arms and legs to the cross and gets another whipping implement. I cannot look any more, I want to get out of here.

"Christian," I say as I tug on his hand. He doesn't move.

"Christian." Still nothing.

I look at the scene in front of me - the man rips off her panties. I can't stay here any longer. I tear my hand away from Christian and run!

"Ana! Ana!" I hear him call me from off in the distance. He's too late, he should have acknowledged me when I called him.

I feel the cool air hit me as I try to catch my breath. I will not cry, I will not cry. Why do I even feel like crying? This doesn't make any sense, I think to myself as I walk quickly up the street, not having a clue as to where I'm headed. I caress the beautiful rose shaped locket that Christian gave me for Christmas. I always grasp it when I find myself feeling sad or lonely; it's my connection to Christian, reminding me how much I am loved. This beautiful locket makes me feel safe, cherished, and it gives me strength. It's my talisman against the evil in the world.

"Ana, wait!" Christian shouts as he finally catches up to me. "What's wrong, Ana?"

I stop walking and before I can stop myself, I unleash on him.

"What's wrong!? What the hell do you think is wrong?! Did you see what was happening in there? That woman was being beaten!"

"It didn't look to me like she was complaining, Ana."

"Really? How can you say that Christian?! I...I don't understand."

"Ana, it looked to me like two consenting adults enjoying a little kink."

"Kink?! Is **_that_** what you think that was?! Kink?!" What's wrong with him? What's he thinking?!

I feel so confused and for the second time, I find myself afraid of Christian. Does he like this? Does this interest him?

"Ana, I don't want to argue with you. I'm sorry baby. I just thought that it looked...interesting," he says quietly, looking deep into my eyes as he tries to read my thoughts. I do my best to remain impassive. I need to know what _he's_ thinking.

"Interesting? Interesting how? Are you so interested that you'd like to do that me? Is that what you mean by interested?"

Now it's Christian's turn to become impassive. The mask is on. I don't know what he's thinking. He's become better at hiding his thoughts. It's frustrating when I don't know what's going on in that head of his, I only know that he still has difficulty believing that I love him, believing that he's worthy of love.

"Ana, I'm sorry. Let's drop it and get out of here. I don't want to fight, baby. I love you," he whispers as he draws me near. He puts his arm around my waist and we hug one another tight. I do love him, so very much.

"I don't want to fight either, Christian. Let's go home," I say as we leave this odd place.

* * *

"Feeling better, Ana?" Christian asks as I take next him on the sofa. Now that we're back at our place, I've calmed down a bit.

"Much better thank you, it's always nice to come home, undress, and relax," I say as I caress his soft copper-colored locks.

Christian smiles and says, "You're not undressed baby."

"I mean, out of street clothes. It's nice to be in comfy shorts and a tank-top. Nothing binding, I can breathe."

"Binding, huh? You wouldn't like me to bind you?" Christian asks as he slowly pushes down on the sofa showering me with soft kisses along my neck.

"Mmmhmmm...Christian, that feels so good," I moan as I feel myself getting moist, ready for him to take me. Then I remember what I'm wearing and I say, "No, stop. Take me to our bedroom."

"Well, well, well, Firecracker. It's nice to hear you saying what you want," Christian says as he lifts me off the sofa, carrying me to our bedroom.

"You've taught me well, Christian," I tell him with a big grin.

"I believe I have, baby. What shall I do next?" he asks as I pull off my tank top, leaving me in my lacy red bra.

"I want you to pull down my shorts and then follow my instructions," I say as I smile, knowing full well what I have in store for myself. As much as I love him going...down there, I still feel funny about telling him to kiss me there. I thought this would make it easier for me.

Christian pulls my shorts down and smiles as he sees my red panties that have the words 'kiss me' embellished in sequins.

"Follow your instructions, huh?"

"Yes, please," I say as I begin to squirm, knowing what he can do to me with his magic lips and tongue.

*****A couple months later*****

I wake up to flip my pillow over to the cool side and I notice that Christian isn't in bed. He's gone out for a run in the middle of the night again. He's been doing this every night when he's had trouble sleeping. His nightmares that once haunted him are gone but he still suffers from insomnia. I sometimes wake up to get a glass of water and he'll arrive, drenched in sweat. He's still running, running from the past, running from the pain, rather than facing his demons head on. It's something that's been bothering me since we've been together but there's no talking to him. He feels this is his issue and he can deal with it on his own. I sigh and decide to get up and get a glass of water.

It's light outside as I see the sun rising. My mind is having trouble trying catch up with what my heart already knows. My soul is shattering, I can't breathe, I feel numb and my brain cannot put it together. I start to cry as I feel the room is empty, it's a large empty room void of feelings. I look around, feeling dizzy, trying to find it. It has to be somewhere! I need something! An explanation for why my life has just been turned upside down! I run towards to the kitchen in a blurred haze, trying to wipe my tears. I check the counter, nothing! The table, nothing! The bathroom, nothing! I run towards our bedroom and there it is...on my nightstand.

I open the envelope as the tears continue to fall...

**NPOV**

Someone is pounding on my door. The pounding becomes harder, more desperate. Who the hell can it be? "I'm coming! Keep your shirt on dammit!" I shout as I open the door.

What I see before me shocks me to my core; it's Ana. She looks like a frightened little waif; she's trembling, her eyes are red, and it takes me a moment to get over the shock of seeing her. My mind cannot accept the fact that she's here, standing before me. So tiny, so scared, so broken. She doesn't speak, she only stands there, not looking at me; she's checked out.

"Ana? Oh, Stay!" I say as I pull her into my arms.

Her cries cut me, they cut into my soul; her pain, her tears are like razors slicing into my heart.

She has something in her hand; I take it from her knowing full well the reason why she stands before me. It was Stroke. He did this to her! I read the crumpled paper.

_I'm sorry Ana, I never meant to hurt you. Love another, I am a monster._

That mother fucker! I'm going to fucking kill him! He's going to pay for what he's done to Stay!

"Ana, please say something," I say as I carry her inside my apartment. I sit her on my sofa while she clutches her chest.

**APOV**

How did I end up here, at Noah's place? I'm so confused. The last thing I remember was reading Christian's letter. I must have driven for the past two hours on autopilot.

"Ana, answer me! What the fuck did he do to you? Did he hit you? Oh God, Ana, please don't tell me...he didn't rape you did he?"

Noah's words shock me back to the present.

"No! Christian didn't hit me, he didn't rape me! What's wrong with you Noah? How can you say that?!" I shout, angry at myself for defending the man who has shattered my soul and ripped out my heart.

"Well, what did he do? I can't help you if I don't know what he's done!" Noah shouts back.

"He...he broke his promise Noah."

"What promise?" Noah asks.

"He promised not to hurt me. Remember? You made me make him promise not to hurt me! He kept telling me, begging me not to leave him, he said he couldn't bear to live without me," I say as I rock back and forth feeling myself checking out once more, not wanting to face my pain.

"I've been such a fool. I thought he loved me and...he's the one that left **_me_**!" I say as I grab my rose shaped locket.

"That motherfucker! I'm going to kill him!" I hear Noah shout as I fade away, grasping my locket as if it's a lifeline to my strength and sanity. Christian may have broken up with me but he's left me with something that I will cherish until the day I die.

END OF BOOK II

**A/N**

**Thank you to my Beautiful Beta Miss Ordlas for making my story pretty. **

**I'm going to take a little break now but I will be back before you know it. Since this is the end of BOOK II, I will have time to respond to every review from this chapter so please, if you have any questions, ask away!**

**Thanks so much for your support and please review.**

**Oh, one more thing, I may respond to reviews via an update. It depends, I just thought I'd let you know in advance in case you see an update for this story within a week or two.**

**Rosie :D**


	32. Chapter 32

_**'The secret to success is training your mind to use pain and pleasure instead of letting pain and pleasure use you. If you can accomplish that, than you control life. If not, then life controls you.'**_

**Thank you Gail!**

**APOV**

_"Ana, let's go! Come on. You've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself. That jerk is gone and you've moped around long enough."_

_"Holly, please, I'm not up to it."_

_"You have to go with me, please. I can't go to this book signing alone. I have to meet this woman. Her book is amazing. You're going to buy a copy as well, it's certainly fitting for what you're going through at the moment."_

_"Who is this person anyway?"_

_"Ana? Have you been hiding under a rock or something?! It's the author of the book, 'Fifty Ways To Mend A Broken Heart' by CC Susie. Her book is a best seller."_

_"Fifty ways to mend a broken heart, huh? Maybe this is a sign. Ok, I'll go. Give me fifteen minutes to get dressed."_

_"Yes!"_

_"Oh my gosh, we're almost there. I hope I don't make a fool of myself."_

_"Relax, Holly, you'll be fine."_

_"Hello, to whom do I make the book out?"_

_..._

_"Holly, answer her," I said as I nudged Holly's side._

_"Oh yes, Holly please."_

_"There you go, Holly, enjoy."_

_"I already have. Your book is wonderful, Miss Susie. I was wondering if you had any advice for my friend here."_

_"Oh gosh, Holly, really? This is so embarrassing. Please ignore my friend. We don't want to take any more of your time, Miss Susie."_

_"Not at all, how may I help?"_

_"Tell her, Ana."_

_"It's nothing really."_

_"Nothing always ends up to be something, sweetie, go on. I'm curious now, I'd like to help. After all, that's why I wrote my book, Fifty Ways To Mend A Broken Heart. Try me."_

_"Well, my heart has been broken and I don't know what to do."_

_"I see. You look much too young to have had your heart broken, dear."_

_"More like shattered into a million pieces."_

_"Oh goodness, I'm so sorry. I'll give you a quick fix as the line is getting longer and my fans are getting restless. Focus on your goals, focus on your future, not on love but on what you want to do with your life. Make a mark in whatever you want to do, business, art, music, whatever it is, just go for it! Don't stop, don't give up, and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it because you can. Focus the pain you feel from your broken heart and channel that painful energy into something positive."_

What CC Susie said that fateful day struck a chord in me. I took her words to heart and channeled my energy into one of my dreams. Using my inheritance money, I acquired a small publishing outfit in Seattle. The basics were there at a good price and they just needed someone with enough drive to make it grow, so I left Harvard.

* * *

"Miss Steele, did you hear me?"

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"The reports are in and I can already tell you, they have improved significantly since you decided to make some changes in personnel."

"Excellent! Thanks, Ros. You know I couldn't have done this without you."

"You're welcome, Miss Steele. Is there anything else I can do for you?" Ros asks as she stands to make her leave.

"I'm fine, Ros. Why don't you and the rest of the staff call it a day?" I say as I breathe a sigh of relief, knowing my company is safe.

"Are you sure, Miss Steele? The day isn't half over and if you don't mind my saying, you seemed a bit preoccupied this week."

Damn! Have I been that obvious? It's been two years to the day that Christian's left me and I haven't looked back since meeting with Miss CC Susie. Meeting her and reading her book saved me. Of course, Noah saved me, too. I smile as I think of how he took care of me and loved me and not once did he ever say, "I told you so." I'm grateful for that.

"I've just got a lot on my mind but you know that, Ros. Now please, go and tell the staff to enjoy their weekend. I'll see you Monday."

Ros smiles and I know that she's thrilled to get an early start on her weekend. We've been working non-stop to save my company. She deserves the time off.

"Matter of fact, Ros, take next week off as well."

"Miss Steele, I couldn't," she says, trying to contain her glee.

"You can and you will. Now go on, get out of here," I say as I stand to give her a hug.

She freezes for a moment and then hugs me back.

"Thanks, Miss Steele."

"Ros, it's Ana. No more Miss Steele baloney. Now go."

"Thanks, Ana!" Ros says as she practically skips out the door. Who knew Ros could be so giddy?

I turn my chair and look out the window and again get lost in my thoughts, thoughts of him.

_"We won, Christian!" I shouted as I jumped on the bed next to him._

_"That we did, Firecracker," he said as he wrapped his arms around me._

_"We're unstoppable! Our 8-boat is the best!"_

_"That's only because I have the best coxswain ever!" Christian said as he kissed me._

_"I have the best person as my stroke who also happens to be the best boyfriend ever!" I exclaimed as I kissed him playfully._

_Christian grabbed me suddenly, bent his knees, and placed me on his feet as he lifted me off of the bed. He was laughing as he said, "Say it, Ana, say it."_

_"Oh brother, not again," I said as I placed my hands on his shoulders._

_"Fine," Christian said as he stretched his arms out. "I'll say it. I'm king of the world!" And with those words we quickly stripped down and made love all afternoon long._

_I woke up to Christian stroking my back._

_"Ana, what do you want to do?"_

_"I don't know, maybe get something to eat. I'm getting hungry."_

_"No, I mean in the future. Careerwise, what do you want to do?"_

_"I don't know, I haven't given it much thought. I mean, isn't that what college is for? To figure out what you want to do? I'm only eighteen years old. I'm not sure that I could do anything, I mean, I don't know. The world is such a big place and I'm not sure that I can make my mark. I have an idea of what I want to do but I'm not sure I can."_

_Christian held me tight but pulled away to look at my face, "Ana, you can do anything that you set your mind to. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, do you hear me? Now tell me, what's your idea?"_

_"Well, you know I like books, maybe publishing? I don't know."_

_"You do know, Ana, and you can do it. I'll help you. I'm going to be successful and with you at my side, I can do anything and so can you."_

**CPOV**

_"I love you Christian, you know that don't you?"_

_"Ana, I love you so much."_

_"You didn't answer my question, Christian. You know that I love you, don't you?"_

_"I hear your words, Ana, and I know that you love me. Sometimes I wish it was enough."_

_"Enough? What do you mean?"_

_"It's nothing baby, don't mind me. I'm just lost in you at the moment."_

_"I'm lost in you, too."_

_"This is my favorite part of the day."_

_"What? Us? Here in bed snuggling together naked after making love?"_

_"Well, yes but my favorite part of the day is anytime that you and I are together. I feel whole, I feel complete when I'm with you."_

* * *

"Sir, did you hear me?"

My hands are covering my face; I remove them and return to the present time. Has it been two years since I left my Ana, my Firecracker?

So much has happened since that horrible night. I don't want to think about that shit. I've changed and I've worked non-stop to become one of the youngest, most successful, and wealthiest businessmen in the country. Not that this shit means anything to me, not without my Ana.

I look at Fred and ask him to repeat what he previously said.

"Sir, the businesses that are primed for takeover and ready for your final approval are compiled on this spreadsheet."

I open it quickly, scanning for one business name in particular. I don't see it; it's no longer on the spreadsheet.

"There's one missing, Fred."

"Yes, Sir, apparently POP or rather, Power One Publishing, was able to recoup its losses. There was a huge shakeup with the staff and this business is no longer interested in merging with any company."

POP. I love that my Ana named her company Power One Publishing. Could she have given it the name of POP because of me? I did christen her with the name of Firecracker and I always did say that she was full of 'pop.' Maybe there's hope for us after all? POP may not be merging with GEH anytime soon; however that merger means nothing to me at the moment.

"Sir, did you hear me? Power One Publishing is no longer interested in a merger."

"Is that right?" I ask as I feign indifference while looking over the spreadsheets.

"Yes, Sir, and that comes straight from the CEO herself, a Miss Ana Steele. She's a very charismatic person, charming, friendly, sharp as a whip and er...she's quite the looker as well."

That fucker! Who told him to look!

My head snaps up in rage and if looks could kill, my right hand man would be dead where he stands.

"Er, sorry, Mr. Grey. I was out of line."

"Fucking right you were out of line, don't cross it again."

I would prefer to merge with the CEO of Power One Publishing. I wonder how she'll feel once we see each other again?

_How the hell do you think she'll feel you moron?! You left her high and dry!_

I dismiss Fred and remain standing over my desk staring at the spreadsheet. How the hell did Ana turn her business around so quickly? I'm happy that things worked out for her, but it would have been the perfect opportunity for us to reunite via a business merger.

I have no excuse to see her now. What's my next move? Everything I do, I do with certainty. My moves are always thought out and calculated but when it comes to Ana, I'm lost. As always, she holds my heart in her hands.

I've removed my tie and unbuttoned my shirt, feeling as if my clothes are binding me. I fucked up. How the hell am I going to win her back? I sit back in my chair and put my hands over my face again, thinking about happier times with Ana.

_"You were wonderful today, Christian," Ana said as we walked hand in hand towards the boat house._

_"We were wonderful today, Ana. It was because of you that I'm a better rower, you know that don't you? You make me a better rower. You make me a better person," I said, knowing full well that it was true. I may have had some ugliness inside of me, but only Ana could keep the beast at bay._

_"Christian, stop that. I've told you over and over again. You are a good person," she said as she stopped and stepped in front of me._

_Before I knew what happened she launched herself and jumped on me. She grabbed my neck and wrapped her legs around me and said, "Say it, Christian." She kissed me. "Say you're a good person, because it's true."_

_"Fine, I'm a good person. Happy now?" I asked as I continued to hold and kiss her once more._

_"I'm always happy, so long as we're together."_

I must have Ana; I need her back in my life.

"Taylor!" I shout as he runs into the room and snaps to attention.

"Sir?"

"Tell Fred I'm leaving for the day."

"Yes Sir, where to?"

"Power One Publishing."

* * *

My heart races as I enter the building. It's eerily quiet. Where the hell is everyone? I turn to Taylor and say, "This must be Miss Steele's office, wait out here."

Taylor nods, I take a deep breath and slowly open the door.

God help me.

**A/N**

**I thought I should warn you, the next few updates (the way I have them outlined) are set up to end with mini-cliff hangers. I appreciate your patience as I attempt to get my writing mojo back.**

**Thanks to my girl, the lovely Gail Sombati for finding a wonderful and fitting quote (in a LIFETIME Movie) and for sharing the quote on FB. Thanks again Gail! You're the best! I really do appreciate you and all my friends on FB!**

**Speaking of FB, do check out my latest visual snippets!**

**Please review and feel free to ask questions, I'll be happy to answer them..._if_ I can. I don't want to give away anything that is too important to reveal within the storyline.**

**SusieCC, I do hope you enjoyed your cameo in my story, portraying you as an EL James type of character.**

**As always, a HUGE thanks to my beautiful BETA! This chapter was a bitch to write! Had it not been for Ordlas, I'm not sure I could have seen this through! You are the best! Thank you J!**

**Hugs and Slap Kisses,**

**Rosie :D**


	33. Chapter 33

**A/N**

**Forgive this public response to a review but I am unable to reply via a PM.**

**Guest 7/9/13 . chapter 32 **

**_I love this story but please move a bit quicker and reunite them as they are just so good together_ **  
**and what has happened to Noah?**

**Dear Guest,**

**Thank you for your review. I appreciate the fact that you want to hurry this story along. Believe it or not, I actually do too, only it wouldn't be fair to the other followers of my story if I were to right this in haste. I wrote this story with love and I can't rush through it for the sake of having C & A reunite. Now, if it's ten chapters later and they have yet to reunite, that's when you can tell me to please speed things up. I am not one for dragging things out but there has to be some conflict before there is a resolution, AKA the HEA. As for what happened to Noah, that question will be answered soon, I promise. :D Thanks again for your interest in my story.**

**CPOV**

The mind is such a powerful thing - the memories come crashing down on me as I slowly prepare to open the door to face Ana. She's going to have so many questions. Why did you leave me? Where did you go? What did you do?

I cringe when I think about what I've done and where I've been these past two years. My mind is racing once again, fighting good memories with bad ones...

_"I did not give you permission to speak, Christian. Keep quiet unless you safe word. Are we clear? You may answer me," she said as I was bent over the whipping bench._

_"Yes, Mistress, we are clear." My Mistress then proceeded to cane me. It was something I wanted, something I needed in order to tame the beast inside of me...or so I thought._

_"Christian, we can't," Ana said as she giggled and looked around the isolated beach._

_"Yes we can," I said as I grabbed the string of her bikini top and slowly laid her down in the sand._

_"Oh Christian, yes," Ana moaned as I kissed her neck, working my way down to her beautiful exposed breasts."_

_"What do you mean 'power one' stroke rate? There's no such thing," I shouted to the spitfire._

_"There is when I cox! Power one! Now!" the little cox shouted back at me._

Focus, Grey! Open the damn door!

I walk in and see what looks to be an empty office. I'm about to turn and leave when I feel it. That pull, that tugging sensation, that feeling that lets me know that she's near. I notice her chair is turned, it's facing the view outside the window and then I realize she _is_ here, in that chair.

I look around. I'm so proud of Ana, she did what she set out to do. She wanted to get into publishing and she did it. I told her she could do anything once she set her mind on something. It's time to speak, Grey, it's now or never. I take a deep breath and go for it.

"I see you took it."

**APOV**

Oh. My. God. His voice still does things to me. I don't have to turn around to know that it's him.

"I took nothing from you," I say as I turn my chair from the view outside my window and face him, the man I haven't seen in two years. He stands before me looking even more beautiful than I remember.

"You're the one that took from me," I exclaim as I try to control my breathing.

_You took my heart and soul!_

"Easy, Firecracker, I was merely stating..."

"Do **_not_** call me that! I am Miss Steele to you and nothing more!"

"Forgive me, Miss Steele. I'm merely stating that you took my advice, you know...to go into publishing."

"Is that why you're here?! To state that I took your advice to go into publishing?! Well, you've done that and I thank you for your career guidance. Now if you'll please excuse me, I have a business to run," I say as I get lost in his grey eyes, just like I always do.

Shit!

What's wrong with me? He left me and yet he still does things to me.

Christian walks towards me and sits on the edge of my desk, facing me; I back away just a bit. I can smell his scent; it hasn't changed. I must be strong; I'm not a little girl anymore.

_Please! You're only two years older and there's only one thing that's changed and that news will rock his world! You still love him! Deal with it and move on!_

"Doesn't look like much of a business. Your building is empty. There's not much of a staff here," he says as he smiles his signature smile.

I melt inside, fighting every instinct I have, wanting him to take me, on my desk no less! What the hell is wrong with me? How can he still do this to me? Why can't I think with my head and not with my heart?! This man is not good for me! He left me!

"I let my staff go for the day. I wanted them to get an early start on their weekend. It's sort of a celebration. Not that it's any of your business."

"Well, since you have no staff, there's not much to do. Why not let me take you to lunch?"

"Lunch?! You leave me in the middle of the night and show up two years to the day that you left me and you want to take me to lunch? Are you mad?!" I ask as I stand to walk away.

Christian grabs my arm and tugs me towards him.

"Yes, I am mad. Mad about you, always have been, always will be. Kiss me, baby."

"Holy cow, you **_are_** mad! Get your hands off of me!" I say as I try to break free from his grip.

"I love you Ana, I've never stopped. Please. Kiss me," Christian says as he draws his face near mine. Are you freakin' kidding me? He wants me to kiss him? Just like that? I feel that heat, that same damn heat, and pull. Oh God! Help me.

No, I cannot do this. I have to remember the pain and anguish that he put me through. There will be no kissing!

My leg goes up and I knee him in the balls.

"Fucking hell! What the fuck! Are you crazy, Firecracker?!" Christian asks as he bends over in pain, cupping his balls.

"No, you're the crazy one thinking I'd go out to lunch with you! I said do not call me Firecracker!" I yell as I grab my bag. "You can see yourself out, I'm leaving," I say as I pass him. He's still hunched over breathing heavily, cupping his balls. Serves the sexy bastard right for what he did to me!

"Oh no you don't, woman. I came here to get what's mine and I'm going to get it!" he shouts as he grabs me once more.

"Let me go, you nut case!" I shout.

"Never, Ana, you're mine. Always!" he says as he kisses me.

"No, I'm not, I'm not yours," I say as I try once more to pull away.

"You **_are_** mine and I love you Ana," he says as he tries to kiss me once again.

"I don't believe you," I say as I turn my head.

He grabs my face, I look into his eyes and I'm lost.

"Believe it," he says and he kisses me again.

This time, I don't fight to pull away, the memories of our love come rushing back. The tears begin to flow.

I do love him and I know he loves me, but why did he leave me? For the moment, I can't think about that. The sad part is, once he knows the truth about me, he will not only stop loving me, he will hate me. I will enjoy this kiss and burn it in my memory, forever.

**A/N**

**Yeah, yeah, I know Ana gave in much too soon but it's not going to be all peaches and cream. Sorry for the short update, please review and I'll try to get the next chapter going as soon as possible. Thanks again for your support.**

**Rosie**


	34. Chapter 34

**APOV**

I'm in heaven, feeling his soft kissable lips on mine. I've missed them and I've missed Christian's touch. I never let myself admit it. I didn't want my weakness for him to blind me. I was on a mission for myself and for my loved ones. I needed to succeed in the business world. I was desperate to prove myself and to be an example of strength for my...

"Ana, oh baby," Christian moans.

His voice brings me back and I react at once. What the hell am I thinking? I can't do this! He left me! He left...

"No! No!" I shout as I pull away from the man who nearly destroyed me. "Stay away. You can't hurt me anymore. I won't let you," I say as I back away.

**CPOV**

I grab Ana's arm, desperate for her to hear me out, "Ana, wait. We need to..."

"Get your hands off of her!" I hear someone shout as he knocks me to the floor.

"What the fuck?! Get off of me dammit!" I shout as I try to fight him off. He has me on my back, my arms in a vise grip that does not allow me to move.

"No can do, asshole. I'll need to get security to escort you out, idiot."

"Do you know who I am?!" I shout, annoyed at the words that I've just used.

"Yes, you're the idiot who tried to assault my boss. Now relax and do what I...what the fuck?!"

Next thing you know I feel his weight being lifted from my body and I hear a scuffle.

"No, please stop! Both of you!" I hear Ana shout as I quickly get to my feet and see Taylor going mano a mano with the fucker who had me on the floor.

Taylor is just about to give him the death-blow when he freezes.

Taylor and the fucker that bum-rushed me are staring at one another in shock.

"Sawyer? Luke Sawyer?" Taylor says.

"Taylor?" the fucker says. "Holy shit! It **_is_** you! What the hell is going on, man?!"

Taylor extends his hand and says, "Not much, just working personal security. Looks like you're doing the same."

"I am," the fucker says as he smiles at my woman.

"Excuse me, gentlemen," I say, trying to contain my anger. "I don't mean to break up this reunion but you **_are_** both on the clock."

"Luke?" Ana says as we all turn to her. "Will you please take me home? I think I've had about enough for today."

"Of course, Ana," Luke says as he takes her by the arm, touching the small of her back. That fucker!

They walk past us. Ana doesn't look at me but the Sawyer bastard looks to Taylor and says, "Let's catch up soon, Taylor."

Taylor nods and manages a small smile as they leave her office, Taylor and I follow, a few steps behind them.

What the hell do I do now?

"Sir? What's your next move?" Taylor asks hoping that the show isn't over. He's enjoying this. The bastard!

"Watch," I say as I go after my girl, chasing them out to the parking lot.

"Ana! Wait!" I shout as Sawyer turns quickly, ready for any type of move that I might make.

I put my hands up, "Take it easy Sawyer, I merely wish to speak to Ana."

"That's Miss Steele to you," Ana snaps at me.

She looks to her bodyguard and gives him a small nod.

Sawyer looks surprised. That's right fucker! Beat it! She wants to talk to me, you bastard!

"Are you sure, Ana? I can stay here in case he tries anything funny."

"It's ok, Luke, I'm sure I'll be fine. Go catch up with your friend over there," Ana says as she points with her chin.

"Very well, I'll be right here, Ana."

"I know, Luke, thank you," she says as she smiles warmly at him.

That fucker!

Sawyer walks away and I immediately insert my foot in my mouth. "Do you think it's wise to be so...friendly with your...bodyguard?"

"Cut the crap, Grey, and get to the point. What do you want?" she asks as she crosses her arms. Chest heaving, looking sexy as hell. It's only now that I take in her outfit.

She's wearing a fitted short-sleeved black button-down blouse with tapered sleeves, a pencil skirt, and a black crystal twist bracelet but what really rocks my boat are the sky-high peep toe black patent leather Jimmy Choos.

Wow! She looks so damn hot! I instantly imagine those Jimmy Choos wrapped around my neck!

"Hello?! Grey, I'm talking to you," Ana says with her hands on her hips...oh those amazing hips. How I've missed them! Dammit, I need to focus.

"Grey! Answer me!"

Fuck, she's calling me Grey.

"Sorry, Ana, what was that?"

"What do you want?" she asks again.

"You," I say matter-of-factly.

"Not gonna happen. If that's all you want then I'll be leaving now," she says as she turns to walk away from me.

"Lunch!" I shout.

She stops to look at me. She can never resist a good meal.

"Lunch?" she asks.

I'm feeling hopeful.

"Yes, how about a good ole burger and fries?"

A smile spreads across her face.

"A Mr. Bartley's burger would hit the spot right about now," she says as she gets that look in her eyes. She is hungry, pity it's for food.

"I've got just the place, Ana, it's no Mr. Bartley's but I'm sure you'll love it," I say as I stand there, wagging my tail like the love-sick puppy dog that I am. Come on, baby, please, say yes.

Ana furrows her brow and says, "Do they have good shakes?"

"The best, come," I say as I take her by the hand and feel it. Yup, it's still there, not that I ever expected that jolt to leave. What Ana and I have is special and I plan on doing everything in my power to convince her to take me back.

We continue to walk towards my car when Ana stops. I look to her and my heart sinks. She's confused. Is she going to change her mind? Will she come to her senses and say just forget about us? I can't take all these thoughts running through my mind. Say something!

"What is it, Ana?" I finally ask.

"We have to take separate cars," she says quietly.

I really want us to ride together.

Pick your battles, Grey, you're lucky she consented to sharing a meal with you after you left her, you idiot!

"That's fine, Ana. Where's your car?" I ask.

"It's over there," she says gesturing in the opposite direction. "I'll have Luke follow you."

"Sounds good," I say as I get to my car. I see Taylor waiting.

"Where to, Sir?"

"Dick's Drive-in."

* * *

"So what did you do?" Ana asks as I tell her about catching two employees getting friendly in one of the office's meeting rooms.

"I told them that normally I would fire them; however, these subordinates were two of my sharpest employees. I told them to control their urges by blowing off some steam at the on-site gym and if it should happen again, they would both be terminated."

"That's it? That's all that you said? All they got was a slap on the wrist?" Ana asks as she pops a final french fry in her mouth.

"Ana, they're consenting adults. Hell yes, I was angry at them for wasting company time but I think I handled it pretty well."

Ana giggles and smiles and I feel happy, something I've not felt since I left her.

"Tell me about the exploding copy machine," she demands.

"Oh, now that was a doozy. You have to remember my business was just getting off the ground so the machines we had at our disposal were a bit out of date; they still did the job, they just needed some tweaking here and there," I say as Ana leans forward, ready to listen to me share.

I'm not really interested in talking about how I built my business, I'd rather hear about her and how she started her business and more importantly, why the name?

Power One Publishing, also known as 'POP'.

I know the name has to do with rowing but a part of me likes to think that 'POP' reminds her of me and how I refer to her as my Firecracker, so full of pop. Does she still love me? I need to know, I want her back, has she seen anyone else? The thought of another man touching her makes me sick to my stomach. It's taking all my self-control to not drag her to the nearest courthouse and make her marry my ass right now!

"Ana, I don't want to talk about my business. I'd much rather hear about you and how you got started."

Ana's eyes widen, she grabs her phone and says, "Oh goodness, look at the time. I'm sorry, Christian. I really have to go." She stands quickly, motioning for Luke who's immediately by her side.

"Ana, ready to go?" Luke asks as he takes her arm, a little too possessively for me.

"Yes, Luke, thank you."

"Ana, we can't leave things like this. You know that don't you?" I ask, hoping that she'll see there's still so much more for us to say. The more we speak, the more I hope she'll realize that we are meant to be together.

"Christian, there is more to say, only I can't say it now. I have a life that I've led without you and that life doesn't come to a stop just because you decide to show up once more," she snaps. I flinch at her words which are all too true.

"I understand, Ana, but please, just let me know when, when can I see you again?"

"You'll have to give me some time, Christian. I don't know when I can see you again. I have some things that I need to do and when I get everything sorted out, I'll be in touch."

"Promise me Ana, please," I say as I take her phone from her hand. "I'm programming my private cell phone number, along with my land line at my place, my private office number, and Taylor's number. Please, Ana, call me. I'll be waiting."

She's about to walk away when I grab her arm once again. I'm ready to move in case she plans on kicking me in my balls again, though I do deserve it and so much more.

Ana looks at me, seeing through all the bullshit, knowing exactly what goes through my mind. The doubt, the fear of the unknown, will she really call me? Or is she saying that so she can break free from my clutches?

"I said I'll call you Christian, please let go."

_Never, never again Ana._

I silently think to myself.

I release her arm and I watch as she walks away from me. She has me, she has my heart, and though I know I do not deserve a second chance at happiness, I hope against all hope that she gives me the chance to make things right.

**APOV**

It happened. I still cannot believe it happened. I've often wondered what I would do should Christian decide to come back into my life. I've always imagined myself in several scenarios. I would curse him and call him a coward, demanding that he leave, promising never to darken my doorstep again.

In another scenario, I fall into his arms and tell him that I've never stopped loving him, I tell him that my heart is not mine to give to anyone else because he still has it. He tells me that he's never stopped loving me.

Neither scenario occurred, though the feelings of both scenarios are true to what I'm feeling. I don't know how and when I'm going to deal with all of this, but at the moment, I don't want to think about it. I want to get home, home to my happy place.

Speaking of which, I realize I'm home. I live in a lovely quiet neighborhood, very family-friendly, kids playing outside, people watering their lawns, they all take pride in their homes. It's a very close-knit neighborhood but for as close-knit as it is, I do my best to keep everyone at arm's length, not wanting to get too close.

People talk and that is the last thing I need, especially considering my unusual living circumstances. The good thing about my home is that I have a fenced area which allows for complete privacy, there is no view to my front yard. I have a long winding driveway and it keeps everyone, especially the paparazzi, away.

The business media are always wanting to know how I became so successful, especially at such a young age.

"Ana, you're home," Luke says as he opens my car door.

I smile knowing I'm seconds away from true happiness.

"Thanks, Luke," I say as I run towards my home, my sanctuary, my peace, my love.

The front door opens and I see Noah holding my baby girl. She looks at me with a smile that makes my heart soar to heights I never thought possible. Being a mom changed me, it made me stronger, it made me realize that I could love someone on an entirely different level.

"Hi, Ana, good day?" Noah asks as he kisses me on the cheek.

"Unexpected, to put it mildly but I don't care to discuss it, not now anyway," I say as I reach for my daughter.

"How's my baby girl doing today? Did you miss your mommy?" I ask as she smiles and extends her chubby arms towards me.

"Mah...mah meee." I look to Noah and he smiles.

"That's right, baby, that's your mommy," Noah says as we all walk in together. I want to put this day behind me and look forward to spending some quality time this evening with my loved ones.

**A/N**

**Thanks to my girls Nani, Rose, SusieCC and Gwen for describing Ana's outfit. I'm crap at that sort of thing.**

**Thanks again to my beautiful BETA Ordlas for making my story pretty. Check out her new story Portal. It's got a sort of poltergeist like feel to it. It's really good and very different from all the other stories out that are out there.**

**Ok, what are you thinking? Please review. **

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	35. Chapter 35

**A/N**

**Hi everyone, I'm trying something a little new. You were warned (back in chapter 32) that these next few chapters would be mini-cliffhangers. Having said/written that, I want you to know that this chapter and probably the next two (maybe three) chapters that follow will all occur in the same day. We are starting in the evening and we will flashback throughout the day with the upcoming chapters. I apologize in advance if you feel as though I'm holding your hand, this explanation is more for me in that I want to be sure that you are understanding the timeline since this is my first attempt at trying this sort of thing.**

**APOV**

It's been two months since I told Christian that I would call him. The glass of wine that I had before I showered and dressed did nothing to calm my nerves. My mind is stronger than the wine that is seeping through my system. It was a rather large glass I drank, which is not my usual style before dinner. Fortunately or unfortunately, my mind knows what I have planned and it will not allow my body or brain to relax.

I suppose this is a good thing because I want to be aware of every single word that I use and every single gesture that I make. I do not want to misspeak or mislead anyone tonight. I have two very important meetings that will affect me for the rest of my life.

God help me.

I make my way downstairs and I see Luke waiting for me, "Ana, you look stunning."

The last thing I want to do for either meeting is wear anything provocative, so I deliberately picked something understated, opting for a simple little black dress and black heels. I've tied my hair back in a low ponytail and kept jewelry to a minimum, just small pearl earrings and my watch.

I smile and say, "Thanks, Luke."

"Shall we go, my lady?" Luke asks as he bows and extends his arm.

I can't help but giggle. Luke knows me so well and he's trying to help me relax. "Yes, Luke, just give me a moment to speak with the nanny," I say as I make my way towards the family room.

Kate's there, holding my baby girl and reading her a teether book.

"Kate, I'm going to be out late tonight so please put the baby to bed at her usual time. I know I sometimes ask you to keep her up so I can tuck her in, but not tonight."

"Of course, Miss Steele," Kate says as she smiles at me.

I give her a pointed look, and she immediately corrects herself. "Erm, I'm sorry. Of course, Ana and might I say, you look beautiful."

I smile at her and say, "Thanks, Kate."

I get down on my knees and say, "You be a good girl for Kate, little one. Mommy will be home late tonight. We'll play all day tomorrow, just you and me."

I give my little girl a kiss and make my leave. I smile because I know she's in good hands. Kate is a wonderful nanny and she's been a godsend. I don't use her very much on the weekends and evenings because I want to be there for my baby as much as I can. It's difficult balancing family and work but having a good nanny puts my mind at ease.

I have plans for dinner this evening so I make my way to the car and Luke opens the door for me. . My day of revelations continues...

* * *

"Ana, we're here," Luke says as he opens my car door.

This is it. I can't put this off any longer, it's not fair to leave him twisting in the wind. This is dinner, nothing more. I have to make a clean a break, I can do this. I can't prolong this...whatever this is or whatever this could have been, it's not meant to be. I'm an adult and I'll face him and handle this like an adult. Unlike some people who can't handle the pressure of ending things, I will show the true content of my character by "manning up" and facing him, by telling him that we cannot be together. We never had a chance and it's not fair to lead him on or to let him believe otherwise.

I walk into the restaurant and I see him sitting at the bar. He's looking at his watch; he's nervous , I can tell. I'm ten minutes early and I have him anxious. I take a deep breath and walk towards him with determination. I can do this, I repeat silently in my head, over and over again. I can do this.

He looks up and smiles at me. "Ana, you look lovely. Thanks for meeting me," he says as he leads the way to our dinner table.

"Thank you and you're welcome," I say, smiling at him.

"Shall we order some drinks before we order our meal?" he asks as he pulls out my chair, always the gentleman.

"I'm not really in a drinking mood, water is fine and besides we really need to talk and if I don't get this out now, I'm not sure that I'll be able to say it later."

"You're scaring me, Ana. You're making this sound like it's over before we've even had a chance to get started, I mean really started," he states as he takes my hand in his.

I sigh as I feel no comfort in his touch; how can that be? Our relationship didn't really have a chance.

"Ana, do I have reason for concern?" he asks as he strokes my hand.

"I'm sorry. Please forgive me...I...I can't do this. I need to end it. It's not fair to you or to me or to...anyone really."

"What do you mean, Ana? You know how I feel about you. I've made my feelings known and I want us to be together. You know I love you, Ana. Please, don't do this. You need to give me a chance, more time. We can make this work."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, I feel it. I gasp as my body reacts to his presence - the familiar tug, that pulling sensation, the heat that radiates throughout my entire body. I need to get out of here and fast. This was a huge mistake and things are going to get much more complicated if I don't make a hasty retreat.

So many things can run through your mind in a millisecond and my thoughts always go to the most extreme and worst outcomes. I'm usually spot on with what will transpire. I did not plan for this to happen. I'm shattered as I fear my actions will make for a most ugly and unprepared-for public scene.

"I'm so sorry, I can't do this. I can't. I...I don't love you and I can't be with someone I don't love. I know what love is and I don't have that with you. Please forgive me. I...I need to go," I say as I stand to make my leave.

"Ana, wait!" he says as he stands and grabs my arm.

"Please let me go, you don't want to do this. Not here, not now. We're not meant to be, I'm not in love with you. Please," I plead knowing full well what's going to happen.

"Ana, what can I do to make you change your mind?" he asks.

"Nothing, you can't do anything. He's here and I need to leave. Please, let me go," I say once again as I feel his grip tightening around my arm.

"You heard the lady. Let. Her. Go." I turn and see Christian. He's livid, his hands making fists, he's got a vein popping out of his neck that looks like it's about to burst.

"Excuse me? This is a private conversation," he says as he slowly releases me.

"Not anymore," Christian says as he stands next to me, putting a possessive arm on my shoulder.

"Who the fuck are you?" he asks.

"Grey, Christian Grey. Who the fuck are you?"

"Hyde, Jack Hyde. I'm Ana's boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?!" Christian exclaims.

Oh no, this needs to stop. Things are going to escalate. I need to shut this down fast. So much for my plans tonight.

"Christian, what are you doing here? I told you we'd meet later tonight," I say as I try to talk him down.

"I know, Ana, but I called Grace and I know that you went to speak to her and I..."

Oh no, he spoke to Grace.

"You spoke to Grace? What did she say?" I demand.

"Nothing really. She doesn't even know that I know you visited her. What's going on, Ana?"

Now I'm really confused.

"I don't understand. If she didn't tell you, how did you know I was there?" I ask.

"I...I had you followed," he says matter-of-factly.

"Followed?" I exclaim. "Christian, what's wrong with you?!"

"I'm sorry, Ana, I got tired of waiting for you to call me. It's been two months, for Christ's sake! I wanted to know what was going on." He looks towards Jack and scowls at him while he says, "Obviously a hell of a lot more than I thought."

"Excuse me for interrupting this reunion, Grey, but Ana is on a date with me," Jack says as he takes my hand and tugs me gently towards him.

"No, she's not Hyde. She was leaving you when you manhandled her; correct me if I'm wrong," Christian says as he now looks towards me, "Ana, didn't you tell Hyde to let you go?"

I look at Christian and manage a small nod, "Please, both of you. Let's not do this here."

"Fine, Ana, where do you want to do this? I deserve an explanation," Jack says. I look to Jack then to Christian, they both have the same stance, like they're preparing to square off for a boxing match.

"Can we please go outside? We're making a scene. Everyone is watching us," I say as I grab my bag and quickly leave the restaurant.

I have to make this short and to the point. I look to Christian and whisper, "Please, give us a moment."

"No! Ana I..."

I quickly stop him. "Please, Christian, I'm going to end it with him. Give the man some dignity," I plead.

Christian arches his brow and cocks his head. He's over thinking things, hanging at the catch. Some things never change...

"Christian, please," I plead with him once more, "Look around you! I'm ending it with him in the middle of a parking lot for goodness sakes!"

"Fine, Ana, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here," he says as he watches me walk towards Jack.

**CPOV**

I can hear Ana's words to Jack as they slowly walk further away from me,_ "This is not how I wanted to end things with you,"_ she says as she looks at that fucker Hyde.

A part of me is beyond ecstatic that she's ending things with that fucker but another part of me, the selfish fucked up part, is angry. I'm angry at the fact that she moved on. Of course I know that would be the obvious thing to do, I mean I am the fucked up bastard that left her. She had and still has every right to move on without me. I was a fool to think in the back of my mind that she would wait for me. For fuck's sakes I broke up with her via a fucking piece of paper; I'm the one that told her to move on!

_I'm sorry Ana, I never meant to hurt you. Love another, I am a monster._

Those words on that piece of paper were the hardest lines that I've ever had to write.

_I'm sorry Ana, I never meant to hurt you. Love another, I am a monster._

Those words play over and over again in my mind.

I know it's what I needed, or so I thought at the time. That's why I went back to that club, only I couldn't go back until after I ended things with Ana. It wouldn't be fair to her. I couldn't lie to her which is exactly why I ended it. All those nights I went out for a run, I was so tempted to go back to that club but I quelled the beast within me and my curiosity until I could contain it no more. I wrote those lines on that piece of paper so Ana would never return.

I went back to that club and explained what I wanted, what I needed. The owner in charge of the club was an educated woman who would not let me sub in her club. She looked at me, saw through me and saw my pain. She suggested that I see a good therapist to work out my demons and deal with whatever guilt was haunting me. If after therapy, I was still interested in BDSM, she said she would gladly and slowly introduce me to the scene. Looking back, I wish I had taken her advice.

Not being accustomed to hearing the word 'no' from anyone other than my parents, I did some research and found another BDSM place that would take anyone for the right price. That was my biggest mistake. No, actually my biggest mistake was leaving Ana and not being honest with her in the first place. I didn't think she would understand my need to do this, to be punished, to deal with the beast that dwelled inside of me, slowly making appearances on the surface, fearing that the beast would appear while I was with Ana, which would be worse. Just imagining if the beast appeared while Ana and I were being intimate is a thought that sickens me. I couldn't ever hurt Ana and if the beast did, I would never be able to forgive or live with myself.

I'm called back to present when I hear Ana's heels clicking as she walking towards me. She looks upset. Fuck! She's crying.

"Ana, are you alright?" I ask as she runs into my arms.

"Please, Christian, let's go. I can't do this."

What the fuck did he do? Did that fucker hurt her?

"Ana, wait. What happened? Did that fucker hit you?" I ask as I feel my temper going thermonuclear. I'll rip him apart with my bare hands. I could sure use that beast right about now.

"No, he didn't hit me. He's just angry because I ended it with him. Please, let's go," she says as she walks towards her car. That fucker Sawyer is waiting there for her.

"Ana, are you sure, baby?" I ask feeling as though she's holding out on me. There's something else going on, what is she hiding?

"Christian, I'm going home. Please, just please come meet me at my place. I can't stay here anymore and I have so much more that I have to say to you. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I had a plan and it's all gone to..." She looks at me with those beautiful eyes, they're so sad and I hate myself knowing that I've been the cause of her pain.

"Of course, Ana, I'll be right behind you. Go on," I say as I shut her door.

As I make my way to my car, I see Taylor and tell him, "We're going to Ana's place."

"Oh you are, are you?" I turn and see Jack; the fucker has tears in his eyes.

He's really upset about Ana leaving him. I almost feel sorry for the bastard, almost...but I know that her ending things with him means that I have a better chance of making things right with her.

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am," I say as I try to remain diplomatic.

I hope he didn't fuck her. I wipe that thought from my mind and as I'm about step into my car, Hyde shouts out, "Yeah, well, good luck with that. I never wanted to raise that brat of hers anyway!"

His words freeze me in my tracks.

I look at him and he smiles when he comes to the realization that this is news to me. I need to work on my poker face.

"Oh? Well, well, well...apparently this is news to you, eh Grey? Didn't know she had a little brat, did you? It's not news to me! I guess you're not that important to her if she wasn't willing to let you in on that part of her life. I almost feel sorry for you...almost. Good luck with her and that little brat of hers and good riddance!"

I checked out, not hearing his parting shot. All I can think is...holy fuck! Ana has a baby!

**What are thinking? Please review and let me know.**

**Rosie :D**


	36. Chapter 36

**CPOV**

My company is still in its infancy stages as I've only been in full operational mode a little over one year and I've just now opened an advanced security team/division for GEH. All future and current employees must sign a waiver giving my company the authorization to do extensive background checks and they've also signed NDAs.

I've attempted to use my business resources to gather information on my Firecracker. I know where she lives and as much as I've tried to get additional information on Ana, I've hit many a brick wall. She's done well to keep her private life private, but I shall put an end to this mystery once and for all. I refuse to be kept out of the loop. I need some answers and I need them now.

I can still hear Hyde's voice in my head...

_"Yeah, well, good luck with that. I never wanted to raise that brat of hers anyway!"_

Ana has a baby? No, this can't be. That fucker Hyde is angry that Ana dumped him. He's trying to mind fuck me. Hyde? Why in the hell do I know that name? Hmmm...

We arrive at Ana's house and we approach a very large security gate. Taylor is about to ring for us to enter but I stop him.

"Taylor, can you open the gate without setting any type of alarm off?"

"Sir?"

"You heard me, can you do it?"

Taylor eyes the gate and smirks, "This is nothing, Sir, give me two minutes and we're in."

True to his word, Taylor gets the gate to open and we slowly make our way up the curving driveway. I tell Taylor to wait at the car as I walk towards my destination. It's a lovely home with a large privacy wall. I walk with determination, not allowing the scattering of toys on the front lawn to register in my brain.

I ring the doorbell and the door opens; Ana's standing there with a look of fear in her eyes. Why? What have I done now? I mean, aside from the obvious.

"Christian? I...I didn't expect you so soon. I realized I left in such a hurry that I hadn't given you my address. I was just going to call you and ask if we could meet tomorrow."

Is that why she's upset? Because I came to her place? I don't get it. A moment ago, she wanted to me to meet her here and now. Christ, what the hell is going on?

I'm about to speak when I hear a shrill cry; what the fuck is that noise? It doesn't register, my mind won't allow it, but I don't have a choice now, ignoring this creature won't make it go away.

I look on Ana's arm and I see it, or rather, I see her. A baby, Ana's baby? She's a beautiful child, she has the biggest eyes, a color of green, sea green. She's wearing a brown t-shirt with matching pink and brown little pants and a flowery pink headband of some sort.

Fuck!

"Ana, what the hell is going on?" I look behind Ana and I see him put a possessive hand on Ana's shoulder.

Noah fucking Shepherd!

"Stroke," he says in a cool and very controlled manner.

"Christian, I'm sorry. As I said before, I...I wasn't expecting you," Ana states as she looks to Noah.

"Obviously!" I snarl.

Next thing you know that baby she's holding starts crying.

"Shhh...it's ok, Noelle. You're ok," Ana coos, trying to calm the baby.

Noel? She named her kid Noel. Why? Because it sounds like Noah?!

This is bad. Very fucking bad, and what's worse, the kid won't stop crying.

"Here Ana, let me have her," Noah says as he cradles the baby in his arms; she stops crying as soon as she's with him.

Fuck!

Well, that's definitely something I can't do. Shit!

"It's ok, Noelle, I've got you," Noah says as he looks to Ana. "She needs to go to bed, are you ok with Stroke?"

Ana looks to me and then to Noah. "I'll be fine. Go on little one, go to bed," Ana says as she kisses the baby.

Noah leaves and Ana extends her arm, "Do come in."

"I'm not sure I want to," I think to myself, or so I thought.

"Not ready to face the reality of this situation?" Ana asks.

"Oh shit, did I say that out loud?"

"You did," she says quietly. "It's up to you, Christian. I'm done keeping secrets, you decide if you're ready to face the truth."

I physically take a small step forward but emotionally I've taken a million steps back. I've lost Ana, I've lost her to Shepherd. I practically gift wrapped her to that fucker! I don't know what the fuck I was thinking! Now what?!

Wait, what about that Hyde fucker? What the hell is going on here?

"Follow me, we'll have some privacy in the study," Ana says as she walks ahead of me.

"Is everything ok, Ana?" Sawyer says coming from who the fuck knows where.

"I'm fine, Luke, Noah's upstairs putting the baby down. Please let him know that Christian and I are in the study."

"Will do, Ana," Luke says as he glares at me before he leaves the room.

My mind is racing, my heart is shattered. I have no one to blame but myself yet I have a burning rage that's directed towards Ana.

"Have a seat," Ana says as she gestures towards a leather couch.

We both sit down, not speaking for the longest time. The silence is killing me; I'm the first one to break.

"She's lovely, Ana," I say quietly. Kill me now.

"Thank you. I love her very much, she's my precious baby girl."

"So, she **_is _**your daughter?"

Ana nods in the affirmative. Holy. Fuck.

I have to ask, I must know, "How old is she?"

Ana stiffens up. I can read her body so well; some things never change. She's afraid to answer me.

"Ana, tell me. How old is she?"

Reluctantly Ana says, "She's about fifteen months old."

My mind quickly does the math, my mouth is agape and before I can stop myself, I jump off from the couch and shout, "What the hell, Ana? Shit man! What the fuck?! Did you go straight to Noah and fuck him as soon as I left?! Or was it the Hyde fucker? What the fuck is going on here Ana?!" I begin to pace the room.

Ana stands and says, "What I did or did not do after you left me is none of your concern. You left! Remember?! I suggest you keep your temper in check and remember that! You. Left. Me."

"Fuck Ana, I'm sorry. You're right. I have no right to be angry but it fucking hurts to see Noah and your daughter..."

"She has a name, Christian, her name is Noelle," Ana says as the tears fall from her face.

"I'm sorry, Ana. What I'm trying to say is, it hurts to see you with Noah and your daughter, Noelle. That picture was supposed to include me, not Noah, and because I chose to deal with my issues alone, without you, I lost you. Fuck! I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing here. I shouldn't have walked in the door. Once I saw what I saw, I knew I lost you. I guess...I guess I just needed to be sure."

"Christian, please, I'm glad you chose to walk in and face everything, finally. That says something about you, perhaps you won't run away because there's still so much to say," Ana pleads as she walks towards me. She caresses my cheek and I instinctively lean in to her touch. How I've missed her soft hands and now, I've lost them forever. She will never be mine. I back away from her and pace the floor.

"No, Ana, I'm sorry. It was wrong for me to come here. I have no right to crash into your life and expect you to come back to me. I may be the son of a crack whore but I know that I cannot and will not destroy your family. This is my penance, it's what I must live with for not being worthy of your love and throwing it away after you gave your love to me."

Ana stands there, frozen. I step closer to her and kiss her gently on the cheek.

"I'm sorry Ana, I won't bother you again," I say and walk towards to door feeling the pain in my heart with every step I take. I'm a dead man with nothing to live for.

Before I have a chance to open the door, Noah bursts in. He's holding Noelle in his arms. "I'm sorry, Ana, I couldn't get her to sleep and I have to make my flight in thirty minutes."

Ana walks towards Noah and she takes Noelle from his arms. "Go on, you're going to be late," Ana says as she walks back towards me.

"I can cancel, Ana, it's not that important," Noah says as he glares at me.

"No, go. It's very important and I will not have you miss this opportunity."

"Ok." He smiles and gives quick kisses to Noelle and Ana on the cheek.

He nods at me and says, "Stroke, I'd like to say it was a pleasure but...fuck you."

"Noah! I told you, no swearing in front of the baby."

"Sorry, Ana, I'll be home as soon as I can," Noah says as he leaves.

I'm about to leave because there's no reason for me to stay. I'm numb.

"Christian, please stay. There's still so much more you need to know."

I look to Ana, holding her daughter. She's such a beautiful baby.

I'm about to speak when I hear a voice booming in, "Ana? I'm home. I just saw Noah run out, he said you were in the study with Christian but I'm sure I misunderstood and...Holy mother fuck!"

"Carolyn!" Ana exclaims, "No swearing."

"Hello, Carolyn, it's lovely to see you again," I say as I stand and shake her hand.

"Hi," Carolyn says with her mouth agape.

I see that she too has a baby, a little younger than Ana's baby but with the same sea green eyes.

Holy fuck! What the hell, what the fuck has Ana gotten herself into? Please tell me that this is all in my mind. This is too fucking much for me to process.

"Carolyn, will you excuse us please? Christian and I are um...in the middle of something."

She doesn't move, still gaping, the baby in her arms is smiling.

"Carolyn, please."

"Please what?" she finally speaks.

"Please excuse us, we're in the middle of something."

Carolyn smiles and says, "I bet you are. Christian, it's great to see you again."

"Carolyn, it's a pleasure seeing you."

Carolyn leaves and again, I lose it. "Ana, what the fuck is going on here. I don't get it. I'm a very open-minded person but this? Will you please tell me what's going on here? Are you with Noah or Jack or what? Is there some sort of swapping thing going on here? This is fucking insane!"

"Christian, please do not swear in front of my daughter," Ana says as she sits down, cradling Noelle on her lap. "Please be calm and sit," she orders.

I take a deep breath and sit, "Ana, I'm not sure I want to have this conversation in the presence of your daughter."

"Why not, so long as you promise not to swear and you keep your voice down, she'll be fine."

"Ana, please. This lifestyle, the way you're living, it's not right."

"My lifestyle?" Ana says, confused.

"Yes, this thing you have with Noah and Carolyn. What is it? Is he the father to both babies? Is this some sort of fucked up commune that you're building here?"

"I said, no swearing Christian," Ana says as she coos to her baby.

"You haven't answered my question, Ana," I say, impatiently waiting for a reply.

"What was the question? You're swearing distracts me," Ana shoots back.

"I want to know if Shepherd is the father to both babies, yours and Carolyn's. They both have Noah's eyes."

Ana stills, her jaw drops.

"Oh God, Christian, is that what you think?"

"Well, it's obvious isn't it?" I say losing my patience.

"Not to me," she says.

I stand up and pace the floor once again, "Ana, I'm trying to remain calm for the sake of your daughter but I'm tired of this emotional game of tag. You need to be straight with me, what's going on?"

Ana is about to speak when her daughter starts to cry. "Oh goodness, she's wet," Ana says as she takes off the baby's brown sweater.

"I need to get her out of these clothes." Ana makes a face as she sniffs and says, "Oh boy, she's exploded! Will you help me, please?"

"Help you? With her?" I ask in utter shock. What the fuck am I going to do?

"Yes, please. Follow me," Ana states as she leads me down a hallway.

We enter what I assume is the baby's room.

Ana lays her baby on some sort of stand where she can change her diaper. She undresses her and removes the stink bomb.

"Holy shit! That stinks!"

And with those words, the baby starts to cry once more.

"Christian!"

"Shit! Sorry. I'm sorry, little baby. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings," I say as the baby stops crying while Ana cleans up her...mess.

"Christian, please toss this for me," Ana says as she hands me the stink bomb.

"You want me to touch that thing? Isn't that where all the mess is?"

"Christian, it's **_just_** baby poop."

"Just? Just?! That shit smells worse than a...well, I don't know what but that's disgusting!"

"Just take it and toss it please, there's a diaper dispenser to your left," she says.

I walk over to the tall silver contraption and it sucks the filthy mess right out of my hands.

"Wow! Great machine!" I exclaim like a fucking four-year old. What the fuck is wrong with me? Excited over a diaper contraption. Perhaps the fumes from the baby poop have seeped into my brain. Oh great, I'm saying 'poop' now.

"Isn't it?" Ana smiles as she dresses her baby.

"Where's your bathroom? I'd like to wash my hands."

"Down the hall, first door on your right," Ana says. "Meet me back in the study."

I wash my hands while I picture Ana with her baby. She's a mother with a baby girl. She's a beautiful baby girl and Ana deserves to be happy. I've had enough of this and I need some answers. I walk to the study and I hear Ana talking to her baby. I approach and see them; Ana is sitting on the sofa holding her baby.

"It's going to take some time little one, but he'll come around I know he will," Ana says as she kisses the baby's cheek.

"Who'll come around?" I ask wondering what the hell she's talking about, while I remain standing.

"The baby's father," Ana says stoically.

"Noah?" I ask, not understanding what's happening.

"Noah's not the father, Christian," Ana says as she kisses Noelle and turns her around on her lap to face me.

"He's not the father? Well, who in the hell is, Ana? Jesus Christ! Please don't tell me it's that Hyde fucker. He's no good, Ana."

Noelle is now wearing a white t-shirt with pink flowers and some multi striped colored socks that are missing the part that cover her feet. Strange fashion sense for a baby, I think to myself.

As I look at Noelle something happens, her change in clothes makes her look...different. What is it? What's changed? I stare at her intently and she smiles at me. Cute little thing that she is. Such big deep grey eyes...

I feel my knees give out from under me; thankfully I land on the sofa. I end up sitting right next to Ana; I slowly twist my body to face her and her baby.

No! This! Can't! Be!

"Ana?" I say, trying to force myself to speak. "The father. Who is...the father?"

Ana takes a deep breath, looks straight into my eyes.

"You are, Christian. You are the father. This is your daughter, Noelle. Kristen Noelle to be exact." Ana says as she places the baby on my lap. The baby looks at me and smiles as she grabs my lip with her chubby little fingers. I look into her eyes and it's like I'm looking at my reflection, her grey eyes...they're...they're mine!

Oh! My! Fuck! I guess it can be.

**A/N**

**Did that line by Ana sound sort of Maury Povich-ish? _"You are the father."_ Lol!**

**Thanks again to my beautiful BETA, not only for editing my story but for filling in the missing pieces when my mind goes blank. You rock Ordlas!**

**Thanks to ALL my reviewers who not only review but also ask questions that keep me in line with the story. Most notably greytosteele,"Did Noah finish school?" My Divine Bronze Goddess, "What happened to Noah's mansion? " These are questions I wouldn't even think about answering if not for you.**

**A special thanks to BriLee7796, momalu and guest reviewer 'Boo' who asked, "Wasn't Jack Hyde fired as the racist/sexist coach?" I completely forgot that I wrote in Jack as the Harvard rowing coach that was fired, (It's the price I pay for thinking I could write multiple stories concurrently and deal with my ADD!) so thanks again, your questions will be answered soon.**

**If you have a moment, a review would make my day.**

**Thanks,**

**Rosie :D**


	37. Chapter 37

**CPOV**

"Ana, what are you saying to me? This...this can't be."

"Oh? It can be and it is and yes, she is your daughter, Christian."

"How? When? I...I don't understand?!"

"The how and the when are very easy to explain, though I'm sure you don't need a diagram to figure out how it happened, do you?"

"But I thought, I mean, you were on the pill and..."

"The pill isn't foolproof, Christian, as you can very well see," Ana says as the baby continues to coo and pull on my lips.

"Kristen needs to go to sleep." Ana takes the baby from me and I, for whatever reason, immediately feel bereft. Holy shit! That little baby is already under my skin.

I am in complete shock as Ana's words are still resonating in my mind. I'm thankful that I have a moment to grasp the enormity of the situation. When Ana returns, the first thing I ask is, "Does my mother know? Is that why you were there today?"

Ana looks at me and slowly nods...

*****Earlier That Morning*****

**APOV**

"Ana, are you sure you want to do this? You've been through so much already," Noah says as we sit together enjoying our breakfast.

"Yes, I'm sure, Noah. I can't keep this a secret much longer and I owe it to Grace, she needs to know the truth. Only thing is, I feel guilty about telling her before I tell Christian," I say as I feed my baby girl some soft scrambled eggs as she plays with and feeds herself cheerios.

"Why should you feel guilty? **_You_** didn't leave. **_He_** did. You don't owe him a damn thing, Ana!"

"Noah, stop swearing in front the baby. I will not have her hearing this type of foul language."

Noah makes a face and speaks baby talk, "I'm sowwy baby, I no mean to talk dat way in fwont of my baby girl, no, no, no. Mommy gonna spank me if I talk naughty in fwont of youuuuu."

"Oh Noah, please stop talking like that, you know it drives me nuts," I say in a huff.

"Ok, fine. Listen, I've got a tee-time in about forty-five minutes. Are you going to be ok?" he asks as he stands.

"I'll be fine, Noah, go on. Enjoy your golf game," I reply.

He kisses my forehead and kisses my girl, giving her raspberries on her cheek that make her laugh and then he's off.

I take my baby girl to her bedroom and get her ready for the day that lies ahead of us. Give me strength, I think silently to myself.

"Hey little one, are you ready to go out and have some fun?" I ask her as I slip on her brown sweater. Brown, the only color that I allow her to wear when we go out. The color serves a purpose because her eyes change color depending on the color clothes she wears. Her brown sweater makes her eyes look green; if she wears any other color her eyes look exactly like her father's.

**GPOV**

I don't know what to make of these couple of months. Christian told his father and me that he made the decision to pursue Ana. I had and still have a bevy of mixed emotions.

A part of me is happy that he wants Ana back in his life though a part of me fears that if she does take him back that he'll break her heart once more and in turn destroy himself. Christian has been open and honest with us since he left her and made us promise not to continue a relationship with her. He said it would only make it more difficult for him, as he severed all ties with her.

I was angry with Christian for making us keep that promise until he spoke openly and frankly about the demons that he was fighting. It was a dark and ugly place that he'd attempted to escape, only he kept going back for more, he said he felt as though the monster inside of him needed to be silenced once for all and the only way he could do that was through punishment. A punishment that he never felt he got as a child. I'm not sure how he can say that seeing as he was abused for most of his young life.

Of course as far as his father and I were concerned, he'd been punished enough just by being raised by an addict mother and an abusive pimp. We wanted to win him over and show him love. He never understood how or why we loved him and to some degree, he still doesn't believe he's deserving of love.

That all changed when Ana came into his life and as quickly as she came into all of our lives and made Christian happy, she disappeared just as quickly and so did Christian's belief of being deserving of anyone's love.

Mia and Elliot were both very angry at Christian for breaking Ana's heart and for ruining his chance at happiness. Carrick and I tried to remain supportive of our son as we knew there were extenuating circumstances. It wasn't easy but we all eventually let Ana go. Ana's name was not mentioned at our family gatherings but she was there, her obvious presence was still in the room, her smile, her sunshine, her love. We all missed her.

Christian had a small trust fund from a distant relative who had long since passed away, a last connection to his former life. Once he ended things with Ana, he decided to use some of the money to travel and explore. He was away from us for a year before he decided to come home; we would get an occasional postcard or phone call. Christian was traveling through Europe, another attempt at trying to heal what was ailing him.

When he did return home he was a shell of the person he was when he was with Ana. Christian was thin; his eyes were dark with almost with no life in them. I stood there at the front door in shock. He fell into my arms and said, "Mom, I'm fucked up. I can't run anymore. I'm so sorry, I can't do this. Help me."

Carrick and I wasted no time getting our son the help he needed. We made an appointment with Doctor John Flynn. He was referred to me by one of my colleagues and it was the best decision we've made. Since seeing John, Christian has put his life back on track. He used the remainder of his trust fund to start his company and we watched with pride as our son built his company from the ground up.

We couldn't be happier for our son. Actually, we could be a bit happier if he found someone to love. Since Ana, he's not dated. Well, not that we know of, he keeps his personal life very private which is why it was a complete surprise that he let Cary and me know of his intentions regarding Ana. I knew that Ana lived in Seattle, she's doing quite well for herself, though she too, leads a very private life. They are oddly similar in that way.

I'm brought back from my thoughts as I hear the doorbell ring. I walk towards the door and there she is, right in front of me, looking as beautiful as the day we first met. Ana!

Something is different about her; she's holding a little someone in her arms. A little girl, she can't be more than two years old and she's absolutely beautiful. Her eyes are the first thing I notice. They are a beautiful shade of green, unlike any green that I've seen before.

"Grace? Are you ok?" Ana asks.

"Oh goodness, Ana, I'm sorry dear. Do come in. I...I wasn't expecting you."

"I know and I apologize for this unexpected visit. I needed to speak to you and I needed to be sure that you were alone," Ana says as she walks in, looking around.

"We're alone, Ana, no worries. Mia's out-of-town and Carrick is at a golf tournament."

"I'm sorry to visit you like this, especially after all this time," she says nervously.

"It's fine, Ana. Do come in and have a seat," I say as I lead Ana to the family room and we take a seat.

"May I get you something to drink dear? Coffee, tea, water?"

"Thank you Grace, we're fine. We just finished our meal before we arrived."

Well, there's no getting around this beautiful little baby so I decide to ask the obvious. God help me.

"Who do we have here?" I ask, hoping against hope that it's not the answer that I fear most. Please let it be her niece, a cousin, or even a friend's daughter she's babysitting. Please don't let it be Ana's daughter, a daughter with green eyes, like Noah, her first boyfriend.

"This is my daughter," Ana says as she removes her little brown sweater, careful not to remove her flowered pink headband. My heart breaks for my baby boy, does Christian know? How will he handle this? Is she married? Focus, Grace, focus. Her daughter is wearing a lovely pink and white striped shirt and she is the cutest little thing that I've ever seen.

"Would you like to hold her?" Ana asks as she pulls down her t-shirt that exposed an adorable chubby belly.

"I would love to, Ana," I say as she places her daughter on my lap, facing me. I look at her again, time slows down, the color of her eyes have transformed from a sea green to a deep grey.

"Grace, I'd like you to meet my daughter Noelle, your...granddaughter."

**APOV**

"My...granddaughter?" Grace asks in shock. "Oh my God, Christian!" Grace says as she holds my baby girl. "Oh Noelle, I'm so happy to meet you, my beautiful granddaughter," Grace exclaims as the tears fall down her face; she peppers Noelle's face with little kisses. Noelle looks at her grandmother with her big gray eyes; she smiles and puts her chubby hands on Grace's face.

I start to cry as I see Grace bonding with my baby.

"Oh Noelle, you are so beautiful. You have eyes just like your daddy! Yes, you do, Miss Noelle."

"Kristen Noelle actually, but we call her Noelle," I say as I grab some tissues from my bag. I hand one to Grace and I keep one for myself as we wipe the tears from our eyes.

"Ana, dear Ana. You named her Kristen. I'm so sorry you had to do this on your own," Grace says as she takes my hand while still holding her granddaughter.

"You're sorry? I thought you'd be angry with me for not telling you that you have a granddaughter."

"Oh Ana, darling. Of course I'm upset but I can't blame you for your actions. Christian said he left you and...oh dear God, please don't tell me he left you because you were pregnant?!"

"No, Grace, he didn't know. He left before I knew I was pregnant and because of that, I decided not to tell him. I didn't want him to come back just because I was pregnant. I'm sorry, Grace, I'm so sorry. I hope you can forgive me."

"Ana, oh dear sweet Ana. You're still so very young and the fact that you came here to do right by our family speaks volumes. I'm...I'm a grandma!"

"I'm relieved that you feel this way, Grace. I had the biggest fear of not knowing what or how you would react to this news."

"I'm over the moon, Ana! Only, I'm guessing Christian still doesn't know?" Grace asks and the room becomes silent, with the exception of little Kristen blowing raspberries.

"No, he doesn't. I'm not sure why but I felt the need to tell you before I spoke to Christian or anyone else about my little revelation."

Grace looks to Kristen and says, "And what a lovely little revelation you are, little one. I cannot wait for Aunty Mia to meet you, she and I are going to have so much fun spoiling you." Grace quickly looks up. "That is, if it's ok with your mommy? Ana, you are telling me this because you do want us all to be a part of Kristen's life, correct? I mean, you're not leaving us, are you?"

"Of course not, Grace, that's another reason why I needed to see you. I had a visit from Christian two months ago; he came to my office. He's determined to win me back. I'm not sure what I'm going to do but I know we have many things to discuss and our discussion is now going to include our child. He's been waiting for me to call him so I plan on doing that today. I need to face the music but then again, so does he. I trust you can keep this to yourself? At least until tomorrow?"

"Of course, Ana, I won't say a word. Perhaps we can have a family dinner tomorrow and make the big announcement?" Grace says as she makes funny faces to Kristen.

"I'm not sure how things will go today but yes, dinner tomorrow would be lovely." I look at the time - I have more to do before this day is over.

"Grace, I really should be going. I have a busy day and I need to mentally prepare for meeting Christian today," I say as I stand to leave.

Grace takes a deep breath; she stands and asks, "Do you need a babysitter? I'm available."

I giggle and say, "I'm fine for today but I'll definitely take a rain check." I extend my arms to take Kristen but Grace says, "No, let me hold her. I'll walk you to your car."

I smile and nod. Grace walks us to my car and I get Kristen strapped in her car seat.

As Grace walks away I hear her cell phone ring...

**CPOV**

I recall the conversation that I had with my mom earlier today after Ana finally called me.

"Mom?"

"Christian dear. How are you?"

"Mom, are you alright? You sound...different."

"I'm fine, dear. What can I do for you, darling?"

"Mom, Ana called me. She'd like to meet with me tonight. I'm hoping this is good news. I was wondering, you know, if things go well between Ana and me, maybe we can have a family dinner tomorrow?

"Mom, are you there? Hello?"

"Yes, dear, I'm here."

"Well, what do you think?"

"I think it's a lovely idea, Christian."

"Ok, I'll call you later tonight and let you know how things went. Wish me luck, mom."

"Good luck, son, oh and Christian," Grace says with a note of hesitation. "Keep an open mind, dear."

"I will, mom, thanks." Hmmm, I wonder what she meant by that?

That's why Grace told me to keep an open mind. She knew about the baby!

"Christian, are you going to say anything?"

Ana's voice brings me back to the here and now.

The reality of what's taken place has just hit me.

Me? A father?! This can't be! It's not fair to the baby...to little Kristen, I can't do this to her! She deserves a perfect father, she doesn't deserve to be stuck with the likes of me.

Ana starts to yell at me and I don't understand why until I realize that I've started to walk out on her...again! I'm halfway out the front door! How the hell did that happen?!

Fuck!

Ana is following behind me and she doesn't hold anything back! "Yes. That's right Christian, leave! That's your usual modus operandi, isn't it?!"

I'm so angry at myself! How did I manage to fuck up once again?! I'm also angry at Ana! She's had my daughter all this time and didn't say a word to me!

I quickly turn and march back to face her.

"What did you just say to me?" I snarl.

"You heard me! Go, leave. It's what you do!" Ana shouts.

The anger is boiling over, I can feel it. There is no beast, only my anger. I can do this, I can stay in control. I close my eyes and attempt to count to ten but my words are out before I can stop them.

"Yeah, just like having a baby without telling the father is what _you_ do!"

Slap!

**A/N**

**Hello,**

**Thanks for all the reviews, faves and follows. Please review and please feel free to ask questions. I hope I answered all of your questions from the previous chapter. If not, please let me know. I think I got to everyone but you know how that goes.**

**I'm going on holiday (I love saying/writing that, rather than saying I'm going on 'vacation.' I feel so British! We're camping at the beach) and I wanted to get this chapter out to you before we hit the sand. Once vacation is over my kids go back to school and they will also start playing football and basketball. Needless to say, things are going to be hectic until we can get back into our school/sports routine, in the meantime, I would really appreciate your patience. I've given my beautiful BETA (Thanks Ordlas! You ROCK!) a couple of chapters to review and I will post when I can. **

**I didn't want you all to wonder if I've given up on my stories. Nope, that's not going to happen, what does happen, is this thing called life and I refuse to stop living it. :D (Just showing my support to a fellow author. It's all good Lulu!)**

**I'm sorry I've left you with this cliff hanger. If you want to know what will happen next, please continue to read.**

**THIS IS A SPOILER ALERT!**

**DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!**

**THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING!**

**Don't let the slap scare you, Christian and Ana will have a long talk and they will discuss what's happened to them in the two years that they were apart. Don't lose faith. You know I'm all about the HEA. **

**Hugs and Hearts,**

**Rosie :D**


	38. Chapter 38

**APOV**

"Christian, are you going to say anything?"

Christian slowly stands up; his moves are robotic. He's checked out; it looks like he's sleep walking. I realize as he walks slowly towards the front door what his intentions are and I feel the anger rising inside of me. He's leaving me again, only this time with no words. He doesn't even have the decency to look me in the eye.

Yes, this is what he does. He can't handle the news of him being a father, so he takes the easy way out. He leaves. How easy for him. I couldn't leave, I couldn't escape my body that had our baby growing inside of me and the alternative for me personally was not an option. I think about the time that I was alone, when I needed him, and I can't hold my tongue.

I walk behind him and shout, "Yes. That's right Christian, leave! That's your modus operandi isn't it?!"

My words stop Christian in his tracks. He turns around and has a look of confusion as he looks around while he takes in his surroundings.

Why?

He marches back towards me and I take two steps back.

Christian growls, "What did you just say to me?"

"You heard me! Go, leave. It's what you do!"

Christian closes his eyes and when they open they are full of rage as he shouts, "Yeah, just like having a baby without telling the father is what you do!"

Slap!

My hand is stinging as I realize that I just slapped Christian.

Oh. My. God.

**CPOV**

The stars I see are not the fireworks from Ana's kiss, rather they are from Ana's hard hand across my face. She slapped me. She fucking slapped me. I turn away, I walk out the door and slam it shut. I pace outside for what seems like a lifetime. I don't know what to do. What I do know is that I lost Ana because I walked out on her and here I am, history repeating itself, or so it seems. I will not make that same mistake again.

I need to put myself in Ana's shoes. I cannot begin to imagine how she felt, being left alone and carrying her baby, my baby, our baby. Hell, I would have slapped me too, among other things. I rush the door and see Ana standing there, still in shock, surprised but grateful that she hasn't shed a tear.

I approach her slowly and say, "Ana, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just so confused."

"You're confused? **_You're_** confused? How do you think **_I _**felt when I found out that I was going to have your baby? I was alone, I was scared and...and you left me Christian! You left me!"

"But why...I mean, you could have told me. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't I tell you? Why didn't I tell you?! Of all the unmitigated gall!"

"Yes, Ana, why?"

"Oh, I don't believe you, Christian. You stand here before me and you have the nerve to ask me that?"

**APOV**

He stands there wide-eyed and simply nods.

Help me, I don't want to regret my words. I close my eyes and count to ten backwards...ten, nine, eight, seven, six,...

"Ana? Say something. Please."

I explode and let him have it, both barrels, guns blazing. "Why the hell did you leave **_me _**Christian?! I loved you, more than anything or anyone, I loved you and gave you my heart and you left me. I left Noah for you because I fell in love with you, I fell hard! I want to know why Christian! Tell me why!"

"Ana, I'm sorry. I needed to sort out some things in my life and I wasn't sure that I could do it with you around me. I...I needed help Ana and I think I'm better now, that's why I'm here."

"So what? Does this mean I'm supposed to drop everything and just let you back in my life?" I exclaim.

"Well, you could have told me that I'm a father, that I have a daughter."

"Why the hell would I bother to tell you that you have a daughter?"

"I could have helped you, Ana."

"Do you think I wanted you to stay with me out of some moral obligation? I wanted you to stay with me because you loved me, not because I was having your baby, but you didn't even give me a chance to tell you because...you left me. Why, Christian? Why? I loved you, I needed you. I was a just a kid and I was pregnant with your baby!"

Christian is at a loss for words, in complete shock. Obviously this news is too much for him to process. I have no pity whatsoever for him.

"Well? Say something!" I demand.

He remains silent but I know he's thinking, he's over thinking things. He has that same look on his face, the one that he has just as we're about to change our power stroke, while we're racing.

"You're hanging at the catch again. Christian! Quit over thinking things and just say it!"

"Jesus, Ana, what do you want me to say?"

"Just say what's on your mind, dammit! Quit hanging and spit it out already!"

"Ana, I love you and I want you back. Please, baby, I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong to leave you."

"Well, it's a little late for sorry, Christian. I've been to hell and back and by the grace of God, I've survived and I'm stronger for it. I'm not that same little girl that you claimed to have fallen in love with. I've changed Christian, in so many ways."

"I've changed too, Ana. Can't you see that? That's why I came back. I want you, Ana. I want us to be together."

"Seriously? You can't just walk in here and expect me to allow you back into my life so we can pick up where we left off."

Christian cocks his head sideways as if he can't understand what I'm saying.

"What do you expect? Do think I'm going to fall at your feet? I have a life, a happy life, and I built it without you."

"Ana, I'm an ass. I know that, I don't expect you to just accept me back into your life but...we have a child, a daughter. Do you expect me to just walk out and never return? I want to be a part of her life, I want to be a part of your life. I want us to be together, as a family."

He slowly steps closer to me and caresses my cheek. I instinctively lean into his touch. Oh how I've missed it.

_Wake up, Steele, the man left you!_

"Christian, please. I...I can't do this. My heart can't take it. I swear if it wasn't for little Kristen I don't know how I would have survived. Being pregnant with my daughter..."

"Our daughter," Christian quickly chimes in.

"Our daughter," I say as I correct myself, "It saved me. It forced me to step up because I had someone depending on me. I can't go through that kind of heartbreak again, Christian. I couldn't take it and it wouldn't be fair to me or to my baby."

"Our baby," Christian corrects me again.

"Please, Ana, I need you. I need Kristen, too. I need you both in my life."

"No, Christian, I've heard this all before and you broke me. My heart was broken and my soul was shattered. You'll end up leaving me, I know you will."

"Ana, please. I give you my word, my solemn vow. I'm not going anywhere."

"Really? And why the hell should I believe you now?" I ask as I break away from his embrace.

"I want you to marry me, Ana! That's why!"

**A/N**

**Sorry in advance for the long A/N but I gotta do what I gotta do! **

**This update is dedicated to Heather SB, (yes, I feel very privileged!) Brianna M, Christina F, Julie R, to all my face book friends who make me laugh so hard I want to pee my pants and to all my Beautiful Bomer Babes; Sherry, Susana, Toni, Monica M, Nuw Riter, Jo T, Nani, Ordlas, Kayla, Liz S, Christie B, Rachel L, Carrie, Clare, Amy, Klcm, Sue, Gwen, Holly, Clare, Henrika and yes, you too Vip! PLEASE forgive me if I forgot anyone.**

**Wattle, the speed in which you research and post photos that are relevant to the topic of the moment amazes me and I'm grateful for your friendship. You always make me smile. Thanks babe!**

**To my Secret Scribbler, the lovely Maria, thank you for your wonderful story. I love your sense of humor and you inspire me more than you can ever know.**

**Gracias Susana for being my comadre, I still remember asking you if I could use your FF name 'MzSuzieQ' in my "Meet At Graduation" story and look where we are now? It's crazy isn't it?! :D**

**Shannon S, I thank you again for sharing your talent with me. Don't give up on your dreams!**

**To SusieCC who is 'Constantly Coming', I'm so glad that you are home and enjoying motherhood. Little CJ is a lucky little boy to have such a lovely, silly, funny, passionate and loving mommy. He is in the BEST hands ever!**

**To my readers and reviewers; I love you all. I'm humbled guys, really I am. The fact that you enjoy my little stories...well, geez...it just blows my mind.**

**A special shout out to my girl ShadyGreySteele, she made my day yesterday and I have to say, she had me fan girling! If you are not familiar with her stories, you are missing out. Give them a go, you won't be disappointed!**

**Geez, I sound like I'm giving some sort of acceptance speech or something. It's a good thing I don't do this on a regular basis...least I hope I don't!**

**Sorry fo****r the short update. The next one will be a bit longer.**

**Hugs,**

**Rosie :D**


	39. Chapter 39

**CPOV**

"Christian, I can't marry you. I don't even know you and I can guarantee that you do not know me."

Her rejection to my proposal, however surprising my proposal may be, hurts me. I know the pain that I'm feeling is well deserved but that doesn't mean that we can't date.

Yes, that's it! We'll work out some sort of negotiation. I've dealt with some ruthless business people while running my company but something tells me those sharks are a walk in the park compared to my beautiful Firecracker. I have to really think about how I'm going to broach this dating proposal.

"You're right, Ana, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You weren't thinking, Christian, that's the problem. You try to solve things immediately without thinking about the long-term effects your decision will have on others."

"Fair point well made, Ana. Do you think we can continue to speak?"

Ana takes a deep breath and says, "Of course, there's still so much for us to discuss. Let's go back to the family room."

I follow behind Ana and I cannot help but take in her beautiful body. She said that she's changed but her body remains the same delectable body that it was when I left her. God how I would love to have those long legs wrapped around me.

"Have a seat," Ana says as we both sit down.

I need to go in for the kill. I'm not going to waste any time.

"Ana, why did you tell my mother about Kristen?"

"Well, I felt she had a right to know. Especially because I intend to have your family be a part of Kristen's life. I know what I did was wrong and I shouldn't have kept her away from your family."

"What about me Ana? Don't I have a right to be a part of her life too?"

"Yes, you do, Christian."

"Would you have ever told me about her, Ana? I mean, what if I hadn't come to see you in your office? Would I never have known about my baby girl?"

Ana takes a deep breath and says, "I've been meaning to seek out your parents and tell them that they have a granddaughter. The irony is, I was going to approach them that weekend. It was two years to the..."

"To the day that I made the biggest mistake of my life. Ana, I don't know how, but I'm going to make this up to you and if you won't marry me, will you at least consider the idea of you and me getting to know each other once more?"

Ana sighs heavily and now the tears start to fall.

"Ana, please don't cry. I can't take it. I know I fucked up but I will do everything in my power to make it all up to you. Please. You have to give me a chance."

"Christian, what did you do?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what did you do? Why did you leave me?"

And there it is, a simple question with a very complicated and very fucked up answer.

"Are you sure you want to do this tonight, Ana? I've got some heavy shit to share with you and I'm not sure it's going to go over so well."

"Christian, I've been waiting for over two years. I can't wait anymore; I need to know what happened. Please."

"Where do I start? What do you want to know?"

"Start from the beginning. Did you go back to that club while we were still together?"

"No, Ana! Of course not."

"When did you go back there?"

"What makes you think I went back there?"

Ana furrows her brow, "Give me a little credit, Christian. I saw how you reacted when we were there. That place...it fascinated you. You were mesmerized."

"Ana, I need for you to really understand that I did not go back to that place until after we broke up."

"Christian, I need for you to understand that we did not break up. You. Left. Me."

"You're right Ana, I'm sorry. I did go back to that club but only to watch and observe."

"So, you didn't take part in the uh...activities?"

"Not right away and not there. I decided to travel. I went to Europe and searched out these types of clubs that specialized in what I was interested in doing."

"You didn't continue your education elsewhere? You left the country? Your family?"

"Ana, you have to understand. I was so confused about what I saw but I was drawn to it. For whatever reason I needed to take part in the uh...activities, as you call them."

"Oh my God!" Ana says as she covers her face with her hands. "What did you do with these people? Were they women and men?"

"Just women and I did lots of things with them."

"Well, what did you do with these...women. I have a right to know. Tell me Christian, what did you do?"

I take a deep breath and I do it. The words are spilling out of me, they come out so fast. I'm hoping that the speed of my words will not allow some of the horrible things that I share, sink into her mind. It was a very dark time for me and I don't want to subject her to my own personal hell.

I tell her about my going back to the club after I left her and about the owner and how she wouldn't allow me to take part in any activities because she knew, she sensed something was wrong with me.

It was almost as though she felt my pain and my sorrow and she knew this wasn't the way to fix it. She said her place was for people who enjoy the lifestyle. It wasn't meant for people who were damaged or broken, looking for some sort of pain/punishment, which is exactly what I needed. She said there was nothing wrong with the high of enjoying pain. It was a wonderful thing to share with consenting adults but again, she knew that I was broken and she sent me away, telling me to seek professional help. She said she would gladly introduce me to the lifestyle once I dealt with my demons but she pleaded with me to seek help first. I should have listened to her but me being me, I decided to travel to Europe.

There were many clubs that didn't have rules or regulations in certain areas and I got exactly what I thought I needed at the time. I was caned, whipped, beaten with a belt, and suspended until I thought I would pass out. I loved and hated every moment. I did this for over a year. I became well known at one club and I had a regular...client.

Then one morning I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror. I really looked at myself, inside and out, and I knew that I'd hit rock bottom. My face was swollen; I had a busted lip and two black eyes. I'd gotten into a pretty bad fight the night before where I took on three men. I was holding my own until the fourth one showed up. One of the men threatened my life, warning me never to return. Apparently his girlfriend was my regular client and she fell in love with me. I had no clue that she had developed feelings for me. Everything we did was cold and sterile. We didn't have to deal with feelings, well, not emotional feelings anyway. We were all about pain, giving and taking pain, pushing our limits to the extreme.

It all came crashing down on me as I literally crumbled to the floor.

"What happened after that?" Ana asks.

I nearly forgot Ana was sitting next to me, I got so lost in reliving that dark time in my life. I take a deep breath and continue.

"I decided to come back home. I wanted to see Carrick and Grace. I needed to get away from this hellhole that I created for myself."

"Oh, Christian..." Ana says as she gently touches my thigh.

"Don't, Ana. I don't want your pity. I deserved it. I deserved that ass kicking and so much more after the way I treated you."

"It's not pity, Christian, it's empathy and yes, I dare say you did deserve that beating after what you put me through."

"What happened, Ana? Please tell me how you managed."

"I will, Christian, but I need to hear what happened to you that second year. The year you returned to the States."

I breathe a deep sigh of relief as I managed to get over telling Ana the darkest parts of my life. I tell her about how I showed up at my parent's home. I truly don't remember how I found my way back there. I felt as though I was in a fog.

I do recall how I frightened Grace. She gasped when she saw me and all I could manage to do was fall into her arms. Grace took charge and saved me once again.

She contacted a colleague of hers who suggested that I see a Doctor John Flynn. Grace did her research; he came highly recommended. I began home therapy at once.

"Home therapy?"

"Yes, home therapy sessions. Doctor Flynn knew that I wanted to start my counseling sessions as soon as possible and I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own two feet."

"Stand on your own two feet? I don't understand."

"I guess I was in such a confused state that I forgot to eat."

"Christian! What were you thinking? Oh my God!"

"I _wasn't_ thinking, Ana. I was in bad shape."

"Please continue."

"Well, as I stated, I went to therapy willingly because I knew that I needed to get my life sorted out. I told Doctor Flynn everything; I don't hold anything back. I tell him about my self-loathing and my ever present guilt, of my birth mother's death during my childhood and my pleasure in having women inflicting pain on me."

"Christian, I'm so confused."

"Don't you see, Ana? The only reason that I wanted to get better was because I wanted to get you back into my life."

"Christian, oh Christian," Ana says as she caresses my cheek.

"Tell me about your business."

"There's not much to say, I had some money from a distant relative who'd passed away and I used the remaining funds to start my business. Everything businesswise just came naturally to me. So I went to therapy while I slowly built my business into the empire that it is today. That's it, end of story."

We sit there for longest time. I'm guessing Ana is attempting to wrap her sweet innocent mind around my disgusting baggage. I hated sharing that part of my life with her but it had to be done. I need to be honest with Ana if I want this to work.

The tension is so thick and before I know it I take Ana's hand in mine. She gasps and I know it's because she feels it. That current that's still there every time we touch. Now is the time; I must speak before I lose my nerve. "Ana, I'll never live long enough to make up for the pain that I've caused you. I only hope that in time, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me."

"Christian, I don't know what to say. I've imagined this moment. I've played it over and over in my mind, only the end result was you groveling on bended knee, begging me to forgive you."

"Well, you got that part right. I'm afraid to ask what happens next."

Ana doesn't answer; she stays quiet for the longest time.

"Ana? Please say something. What happens next?"

"Well, in my mind I see you on your knees."

"Like this?" I ask as I kneel in front of her.

"Yes."

"Then what?"

"Well, you slowly stand and take me in your arms."

"Like this?" I ask as I stand while pull her up, wrapping my arms around her.

"Yes."

"What happens next?"

"You kiss me."

"Like this?"

I gently caress her face, it's so soft, her breath hitches as I cup her chin. I bend my knees and kiss her. Her lips are divine, so soft and plump. I tentatively brush my tongue against her lips, softly pushing, hoping she'll open up for me. I hear her whimper as she grabs my hair. She pulls me down and I feel her stand on her tip toes to reach me. She slowly opens her mouth and I claim her. It's like fucking fireworks all over again. My mind races as I think back to what seems like a million years ago. Ana and I at Harvard. We were kids, we were in love and here we are again. Two years later, two years older. I feel as though I've aged tremendously yet I'm only twenty two and Ana is still a baby herself at twenty years old. A baby with a baby who had my baby, our baby.

**A/N**

**Surprise! I'm feeling giddy and seriously fan-girling (Gah!) so I thought I'd give you an update! Thanks SGS! :D**

**Yay! No cliff-hanger! **

**This is for my girl Katriina, I don't want you feeling annoyed so I hope this update helps.**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


	40. Chapter 40

**CPOV**

Ana breaks away from our kiss and my embrace. She walks away from me and I am left feeling bereft. I feel terrible because I can only imagine the pain that I put Ana through when I left her. I can't take the silence. I need to close the distance between us and approach her once more. "I love you, Anastasia Steele. I will always love you and I love our daughter, too. Please, baby, can't we start over? I'll do anything, Ana. We can start slow, your rules your terms. Just say the word and I'm yours, baby."

"Christian, please. I can't do this."

"Why not, Ana? You want me, I know you do. I can feel it. I know your body so well, baby," I say as I step forward and caress her cheek.

"Too much time has passed, Christian. You need to know what's happened to me since you left," Ana says as she walks away from me once more, leaving me staring at her back, not knowing what is running through her mind. I hate this.

Ana finally turns around to face me.

"Christian, come here," she says as she leads me back to the sofa; we sit down again.

She takes a deep breath and sighs, "If, after I say my part, you're still willing to try to work things out, then and only then will I consider your proposal."

"To marry me? You'll consider marrying me?!"

"No, Christian, your other proposal. Getting to know each other once more."

"I see."

"Ok, I'm going to take a deep breath and spill. Would you like a drink before I begin?"

"No, thanks."

"Ok. Where shall I begin?"

"Start from the beginning, Ana, I need to know everything."

She tells me everything that happened from the morning that I left her. I feel sick, sick to my stomach as she recounts the torment she went through as a result of my cowardly actions.

She went to Noah for comfort and being the standup fucker that he is, he immediately took her in. Ana was confused and didn't know what to do. She was shocked but happy to find out that Noah had moved on and found love with Carolyn. That made me breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that they hadn't rekindled their old feelings for one another. I'm a selfish fucker, I know, but the thought of her with Noah, or any man for that matter...No, don't go there, focus on Ana, focus on what she's saying.

Noah spoke to Carolyn who was more than understanding about the entire situation. His plan was to take Ana back home. She couldn't focus on school. Too many memories of me clouded her brain and she needed to start fresh. He planned on continuing his education at WSU and he wanted Ana to do the same. The only problem was, he didn't want to leave Carolyn and Carolyn didn't want to be apart from Noah. So the three of them rented a home near WSU where they all focused on their studies.

Ana was a ghost of a person, just going through the motions in class and it wasn't until about three months after I left her that she realized she was pregnant.

Her periods were so irregular that it never occurred to her that she might be having a baby; she thought she was coming down with the flu. Noah was concerned so he took it upon himself to make Ana an appointment with Doctor Stevens. He's been their doctor since they were kids. He told her she was pregnant.

She didn't react; she was stone cold out of it. Noah was there, waiting for her to break down but she didn't. She said that she recalled feeling the same way when her parents died and Noah was there for her again, waiting for the impending breakdown and rush of emotions, only it didn't happen. She said that she was in a zombie-like state for about two weeks, then something inside her brain snapped and brought her out of her calm but eerily quiet state of mind. She decided that she wasn't going to feel sorry for herself. She was going to focus on her studies and take the accelerated program at WSU so she could graduate early and that's exactly what she did.

She took Lamaze classes with Noah and Carolyn as her coaches, only to have that be a complete waste of time as Ana had to have an emergency c-section. Little Kristen was breech; the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck, making it difficult for her to breathe. Thankfully, she was fine. Ana said everything happened so fast, there wasn't much time to react or be frightened.

I'm a complete piece of shit. How the hell could I let Ana go through that alone? I never thought I would be grateful for Noah being a part of Ana's life, but at this moment, I most definitely am. I will be eternally indebted to him for stepping up and being the man that I should have been.

I'm not worthy of her love, not after I abandoned her. How she can still manage to look me in the eye without spitting on my face is beyond me.

I feel her hand on my knee and I'm brought back; I feel my body trembling with fear and anger. I'm trembling with fear for my Ana who should have had me right by her side, and anger at myself for being such a coward. So much for dealing with my self-loathing issues.

"It's ok, Christian, I'm fine. Kristen's fine, we got through it, with the help of Noah and Carolyn." Those words make me flinch. She got through it with the help of Noah and Carolyn. Fuck!

"It should have been me, Ana. I can't undo what's been done, baby, but I can try to be the man that I should have been. You make me want to be a better man. You make me a better man just by being with you."

"Oh Christian." Ana sniffles as the tears well up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry. Do go on, I need for you to continue."

She proceeds to tell me that Carolyn got pregnant as soon as they moved to Seattle. This came as a complete surprise to both of them since she was told that she wouldn't be able to have children due to some sort of medical condition. That was why Carolyn refused Noah's marriage proposal when they were attending school back East. She couldn't give him a child, something they both desperately desired. Noah, being the great fucking guy that he is, said that they could adopt as many babies as they wanted. He even joked about picking out the best looking kid, saying it would be more fun than shopping for a designer bag. He's so annoyingly perfect!

Once Noah graduated he immediately married Carolyn. The baby was the icing on the cake which explains why Carolyn was holding the baby girl with the sea-green eyes. Little Sienna is their daughter. Carolyn still managed to go to school part-time and continued with her rowing career until the end of her first trimester, with the approval of her doctor, of course. She's currently in medical school and is specializing in sports medicine. Noah is an engineer and with the funds provided from his inheritance, started and owns his own company. Ana graduated with a degree in literature and currently owns Power One Publishing. That was the only bit of information I had on Ana. It's been impossible to gather any type of intel (as Taylor calls it) on her. It's almost as if there is a cloak or shield protecting her from any outside forces.

"Oh God, I'm such an ass," I blurt out before I can stop myself.

"Why is that?"

"Because I thought you had something kinky going on between the three of you. I thought that you and Carolyn..." I stop myself.

No need to poison Ana's mind with my fucked up thoughts about thinking that she and Carolyn were "sharing" Noah. God, even though I'm in therapy, I'm still a sick fuck!

Ana looks scared for a brief moment, guilty even. Why is that? I need to know what is really going on between the three of them. It does appear that they live together.

"Ana, do you all...love, erm that is, do you all live here? Together?"

Ana shifts uncomfortably and says, "No, not exactly. I was going through a...rough patch in my life and they were concerned about me, and truth be told, so was I. I needed them. I get...lonely some times. We have dinner together. We try to get together at least twice a month, if our schedules allow."

"So, 'not exactly'...what does that mean? Sounds and looks like they do live here. What gives, Ana?"

"Well, I'm not exactly sure how or who mentioned it while we were having dinner one night, but it was mutually decided that they would move in with me for a while. They've been here about four months and they're actually moving out next week."

"Does Noah still have his home, the mansion as you called it?"

"Yes. Noah and his beautiful family live there. I visit when I can; we take turns hosting dinner at my place or theirs."

"So this is your home? You bought it?"

Ana sits up straight and smiles. "It is," she says with pride. She's come a long way from the little girl that I first met carrying oars that were ten times too big for her cute little body. I smile for a moment then frown at the reason why she was forced to grow up so quickly.

"Christian, are you ok?"

"No, Ana, I'm not."

"What's wrong?"

"Jesus, Ana, where do I begin? I left you. I left you pregnant and alone."

"I'm ok, Christian. I'm actually doing quite well now. I was concerned about myself for a while but having Noah, Carolyn, and Sienna here made it much easier for me. I have a wonderful nanny in Kate. I have Luke who looks out for me..."

"Sawyer! That fucker wants you, Ana!"

"Don't start, Christian! Luke takes care of me and if you still plan on trying to work something out between us, you will let this matter go. Are we clear?"

I've never seen Ana like this. She's quite sexy when she takes control. Control, something I've not had for quite some time but am slowly managing to regain once more.

"Crystal," I reply as I take her hand in mine. "Does that mean that we're good to go?"

"Good to go?" she asks.

"Yes, will you agree to get to know me again? Can we...you know, date? Perhaps go out to dinner some time? Maybe I can take you sailing? How about flying?! I recently acquired my pilot's license. I want to take you for a ride in the sky."

"Oh Christian, I want to...I really do, it's just...Whoa, wait a second. Your pilot's license?"

"Yes, Ana. How I'd love to take you for a ride! You'd love it! I know you would."

Ana puts her head down and starts to cry. I hate to see her like this. Hell, I've put her through enough pain to last a lifetime.

"Ana? What is it? Oh baby, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I left you and I'm so sorry that I missed out on the birth of our little Kristen. I should have been there for you."

Ana continues to cry and I gently pull her onto my lap. She wraps her arms around my neck and buries her head in my chest. God, I've missed her touch. I missed everything about her.

"Baby, please stop crying. Come on now. You're my strong Firecracker."

"I'm not that strong, Christian, I'm not...I'm not who you think I am. I'm not the little girl anymore."

"I know that, Ana, and I can't wait to get to know you all over again. Please, baby, you have to let me make this up to you. I love you. You have to believe that. What do you say, baby?"

Ana lifts her head up and I look into those beautiful baby blues of hers. The sadness in her eyes pierces my soul. She has that look in her eyes, that look that I saw in myself. That look that told me she's suffered a great deal of pain.

"Tell me, Ana. Nothing you say is going to change how I feel about you."

"Yes, it will, Christian. You could never love me or the person that I've become."

"Ana, please. Tell me, for God's sake, just say it so I can put your mind at ease. I don't want you to suffer anymore."

Ana takes a deep breath; she's about to speak when we hear a baby cry. Ana jumps out of my lap and says, "It's Kristen, follow me."

She grabs the mini speaker from the end table; I hadn't it noticed until now. I follow her upstairs and before Ana opens the door, she puts her index finger over her lip. "Keep quiet, she just needs a little comforting, I don't want her to wake."

I merely nod.

I follow behind her and I watch as Ana comforts Kristen. She gently rubs her little belly while she quietly coos, "It's ok little one, mommy is here. Go on now. Back to dreamland."

And with those words, Kristen stops fussing and goes back into a deep sleep. We quietly leave the nursery. I gently shut the door. She's about to walk away and I instinctively grab her by the wrist.

I whisper, "Enough Ana. No more. Talk to me. Now."

Ana drops her shoulders and bows her head in defeat. What is going on with her? Christ! I can't take this anymore. She senses my agitated state and quickly takes me by the hand and leads me to another floor. We took an elevator with a keypad lock system. What the hell has she got locked up in here?

We approach a door which she also unlocks via a key pad. She punches in the numbers and I hear the sound of a beep, granting us access to the room.

She slowly opens the door and gestures for me to enter before her. The familiar scent attacks my senses. I walk into the room and take in the sight before me. My eyes take a moment to adjust to the lighting or lack thereof. The low lighting illuminates the room in a soft warm glow. I hear a gentle humming sound and see a giant four poster bed. It's beautiful. Once I understand where I am and what exactly I'm looking at, I see them. The whips, the canes, the floggers, the whipping bench and holy fuck! She has a Saint Andrew's Cross!

The memories of being beaten senseless come rushing to my mind. I feel sick. I can't speak. I turn quickly to see Ana facing me. She looks like that little girl I fell in love with not long ago, but Ana is right. I don't know her, not anymore. She has changed. The meaning of her words now makes complete sense.

_"Christian, I can't marry you. I don't even know you and I can guarantee that you do not know me."_

_"Too much time has passed, Christian. You need to know what's happened to me since you left."_

I'm such an idiot! Here I was, thinking that I was poisoning her sweet and innocent mind with my fucked up thoughts of her getting mixed up in some sort of threesome with Noah and Carolyn, yet I find myself standing in her fucking playroom.

The words are out before I can stop them, "Ana, are you sub?"

Ana shakes her head. No, it can't be.

"Are you a...a..." I can't say it.

Ana speaks and says, "A Dominatrix, Christian, also known as a Domme."

My jaw is on the floor. This can't be true!

**A/N**

**Christian and Ana have now been cast for the FSOG Movie! I'm warming up to them, matter of fact, my FB cover photo is of one Charlie Hunnam, lying face down on the beach, showing his adorable and cute little bum! ****Now, we wait for the movie!**

**Thanks to my Beautiful BETA Ordlas for cleaning up my mess, you're the best!**

**Cheers,**

**Rosie :D**


End file.
